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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re behaviour at Funerals

166 replies

Cutecat78 · 28/07/2016 19:37

Went to funeral today - someone in their late 40s.

Firstly I think we seriously need to build some bigger Crems, the last few I have been to has had a tiny room for the service and congregation pouring out the doors and people standing in the aisles.

There were a lot of younger people there who were dressed as if about to go clubbing (dress code was black) like play suits and thigh high boots, loads of cleavage, see through dresses etc. I am not a prude by ANY means but I dunno it just seemed a bit disrespectful. There was also someone with a baby that while good cried through a song that was played and through some of the eulogy - if it had been me I would have gone outside to calm her down.

They at the bun fight we drive into the car park to some of the younger guests performing "doughnuts" in the gravel car park.

I dunno am I just being an old bastard who should lighten up a bit or what? Just made me feel a bit Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 28/07/2016 20:20

Birds interested to know more about this.... Grin

OP posts:
emilybrontescorset · 28/07/2016 20:21

Yanbu op.

hotdiggedy · 28/07/2016 20:22

I'm interested to know more about doughnuts and how someone can be Scottish from an Irish catholic family :)

BillSykesDog · 28/07/2016 20:22

One side of my Dad's family is 'common' for want of a better word. Very nice people but they do things in their own way. When we go to their funerals they are different. I don't see why they shouldn't be. They are a reflection of the deceased and their family and friends and how they lived their lives. To turn one's nose up is also by extension snobbery about the deceased and their lifestyle/who they mixed with and therefore very bad form and inappropriate.

If they were doing it at Mary Whitehouse or the Duchess of Rutland's funeral you might have a point. But I doubt they'd be invited.

BillSykesDog · 28/07/2016 20:23

how someone can be Scottish from an Irish catholic family

I believe it is quite common. See: Celtic FC.

NervousRider · 28/07/2016 20:23

Doughnutting ..i googled and it described a sexual act. Was that it?Shock

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 28/07/2016 20:25

I guess it really depends on the age and personality of the deceased. My very dear friend died at 27; while no one wore sky-high heels or mini-dresses, people did wear what they thought 'S' would have approved of - one pal was always very much into pink, and wore a pink dress as this is how 'S' saw her. Another girl was upset because someone thought her big sunglasses and fascinator were OTT - but my friend was a huge 'Footballers' Wives' fan and would have completely appreciated both accessories! Not sure about bringing baby, though - unless they had no other child-care options, it seems a bit inappropriate.

hotdiggedy · 28/07/2016 20:25

Celtic as in the football club?

DrWhy · 28/07/2016 20:26

Two of my cousins early 20s children came to my dads funeral in bum length skin tight dresses. Dad would not have approved and mum was seriously unimpressed. If they don't own something more appropriate maybe they could borrow something?

hotdiggedy · 28/07/2016 20:27

Yes, I was also about to ask what the person who's funeral it was would have thought? Maybe they were also into doughnutting and short skirts?

ChicRock · 28/07/2016 20:28

Donuts img is doing handbrake turns/spinning your car until the tyres smoke isn't it?

Anyway, yep, sounds not good. Probably the type of funeral where people 'check in' to the crem on Facebook.

ayeokthen · 28/07/2016 20:28

If your family is from Ireland and Catholic but you were born and raised in Scotland you can be Scottish from an Irish Catholic family. I'm Scottish, but have roots in Spain too.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 28/07/2016 20:30

Oh god to do people "check in?!" Shock

There was no one taking selfies.

I dunno what she would have thought but I expressly asked what the dress code was and was told by her sister to please wear black which made me think the family were expecting a little more decorum.

OP posts:
soundsystem · 28/07/2016 20:30

Last funeral I was at there were a lot of the younger guests dressed like this - friends of the deceased's children who are early 20s. It probably raised a few eyebrows with the older generation but it meant a lot to the girls to have all their friends there and the deceased wouldn't have minded a bit.

It also meant that when the post-purvey drinking was still going at 1am they were dressed for it, I suppose!

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 28/07/2016 20:34

I am not bothered about people wearing black at my funeral but I will make a mental note to request "classy".

OP posts:
ouchieouchie · 28/07/2016 20:35

My friend came to my baby's funeral, wearing a skirt so short it could have passed for a belt.

It did provide some laughs later though, greatly needed considering the event.

I imagine that she probably didn't have anything else she felt 'smart' enough to wear; I was touched that she came though.

Nowhere near as bad as my sister, who wore jeans to my wedding! The photos still make me cross!

Me624 · 28/07/2016 20:42

Not sure about bringing baby, though - unless they had no other child-care options, it seems a bit inappropriate.

I hope people don't think this as I am taking my five month old to a funeral on Monday. It's a dear family friend so all my family who are the only ones I would leave him with are also going to be there. I'm planning to sit and the back and take him out if he makes any noise, but I didn't think people would mind.

On the crematorium issue there are different sized rooms available but I have to say I don't think it's a bad thing if the room is full. The last funeral I went to at one where there was no separate service, there were people standing squeezed up at the back but I think it brought the family comfort to know how many people wanted to say goodbye.

hotdiggedy · 28/07/2016 20:44

So what about if you're Irish and not catholic?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 28/07/2016 20:45

I agree - but having been to a funeral like today's I travelled 5 hours to Wales a few yrs ago for a childhood friends funeral and I had to stand outside the building and heard and saw nothing which was disappointing to say the least.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 28/07/2016 20:45

I do do other things than go to funerals btw.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 28/07/2016 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHatOfDoom · 28/07/2016 20:51

The person who behaved worst at the last funeral I went to was the vicar.

limitedperiodonly · 28/07/2016 20:52

Sounds interesting but at least a lot of people were there.

To me there is nothing worse than a lonely funeral. My mother had one despite having the number of friends that would require outdoor screens and crowd control.

Blame my sister who insisted on being 'private'. There were 12 of us and three of them sneaked in. I will hate her until the day I go to my own lonely grave.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 28/07/2016 20:52

You have to tell us what he did.....

OP posts:
KennyTwat · 28/07/2016 20:53

competitive grieving Mrs DeVere, I had a chuckle at this. Years ago when DH's Grandad died, the whole family (4 children, 9 grandchildren) decided among themselves that those who spent the most on flowers, or who had the biggest floral display obviously loved him most. I gave a single flower (couldnt stand the man).

I just think that it matters nothing what you wear, its whether you go thats important. All this snobbery is a nonsense.

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