AIBU re behaviour at Funerals

[Cutecat78]

Went to funeral today - someone in their late 40s.

Firstly I think we seriously need to build some bigger Crems, the last few I have been to has had a tiny room for the service and congregation pouring out the doors and people standing in the aisles.

There were a lot of younger people there who were dressed as if about to go clubbing (dress code was black) like play suits and thigh high boots, loads of cleavage, see through dresses etc. I am not a prude by ANY means but I dunno it just seemed a bit disrespectful. There was also someone with a baby that while good cried through a song that was played and through some of the eulogy - if it had been me I would have gone outside to calm her down.

They at the bun fight we drive into the car park to some of the younger guests performing "doughnuts" in the gravel car park.

I dunno am I just being an old bastard who should lighten up a bit or what? Just made me feel a bit

In the past I've attended a lot of funerals as part of my job and the one that really stuck in my mind was a gypsy one, as it was so well done. Everybody appropriately dressed and behaving respectfully. Nobody carrying around a water bottle and swigging from it during the service, as though they were babies that couldn't be separated from their plastic teat for an hour.

Not everyone can afford to go to Reiss and buy themselves a naice dress, so the one from Forever 21 that they wear clubbing has to do.

I would hate think my family and friends felt they had to put on an act and be something they're not in order to show 'respect' for me in death.

Having said that, if they weren't really close friends and had just schlepped along because they wanted a bit of grief porn to gush about on Facebook, then YANBU.

Primark sell knee length dresses....

Not everyone can afford to go to Reiss and buy themselves a naice dress, so the one from Forever 21 that they wear clubbing has to do

I don't buy into that. You can beg, borrow or steal clothes for a job interview or work, so you should do the same for a funeral. Clubbing gear is not appropriate.

Laughing.
At the 40+ professionals who "looked like they hadn't been fed or watered in a while".
Sounds a right Laff.
Went to my mil last week. She was lovely. Since spoken to my mum. No black she says, she wants a celebration of her life.

Is now the time to tell you I was going to wear my black patent boots with my black conservative dress? But my husband asked me not to. And my dress sense is normally very Mrs boring.

I don't think a little respect is snobbery.

I think a little respect might extend to not declaring the friends of the deceased chavvy or smirking at their wedding to feel superior amongst a crowd of internet strangers.

I am a bit of a one for dress codes and formality. Not because of any belief in traditional values, but because I think those rules help to keep events, occasions and circumstances manageable and stop them bleeding into other parts of life.

I have a funeral dress that I only wear for funerals and nothing else. It's like a uniform, and it helps because it stops the memory of those funerals bleeding into other parts of my life. Were I to wear the dress at another time, I'd probably look in the mirror and remember the last time I wore it.

I think as you get older or if you've suffered quite a lot of tragedy, you start to need these odd little parameters to keep yourself level.

Good post Werkz.

I can't get past 'streetwalker' and 'chavvy' either.

These are people you're related to, even if by marriage?

Surely the main thing is that people actually turned up. If they've made the effort to be there that's what counts.

And as for 'should have taken out a crying baby'. Really? Because the deceased wouldn't have been able to hear the singing?

I got my current job when approached at a post funeral drinks and buffet so I'm not complaining :)

I think its good manners to take baby out of the room if it can't be settled to the detriment of people hearing a service, funeral or wedding etc

There were a lot of younger people there who were dressed as if about to go clubbing (dress code was black) like play suits and thigh high boots, loads of cleavage, see through dresses etc. I am not a prude by ANY means but I dunno it just seemed a bit disrespectful

To who? The dead person doesn't care, they are dead. I'd rather people came, in whatever they want. Paying your respects is in the being there, in comforting the relatives, in showing you cared. Not in the length of your skirt or whether people can see half your breasts.

I think you're horrible to refer to these women as "street walkers".

Most people wear smart clothes to funerals.

For these youngsters, those are their best clothes. They were dressed up. I don't think it's disrespectful to wear jeans to a funeral, but they've done the opposite of that anyway - dressed up nicely for it. Just not your idea of nice.

Sweet walker is a horrible thing to say.

I'm with you on the doughnuts though, unless the deceased was known to be a fan.

And as for 'should have taken out a crying baby'. Really? Because the deceased wouldn't have been able to hear the singing?

Don't be ridiculous. People are there to pay their respects and to listen to the service and the very carefully chosen words of the eulogy, not a crying baby. A funeral is not something they can do another day when the baby's not crying, but a baby can be taken outside. It's respecting the feelings of the bereaved.

The crems should offer different sizes of room. We attended a funeral of a man recently where there were seats for 60 and over 300 people attended. So approx 240 had to wait outside in February unable to see or hear a thing. It seemed disrespectful to leave of go and sit in cars so everyone huddled and looked utterly miserable and freezing.

Wearing appropriate clothing is basic.

I took a 3 month old baby and a 2 yr old to my beloved Grandmothers funeral and my ExH took them outside when they got rowdy.

They were playing a piece of music and asked everyone to close their eyes and reflect and the baby was crying (sat next to me!).

My dad used to take me to the theatre wearing a DJ and wore bow ties to parents eve

How embarrassing for you OP. I'm beginning to realise why you might have deep issues surrounding appropriate dress codes at moments of acute stress. Have you sought help rather than raging impotently at others via the medium of an anonymous internet forum?

^Have you sought help rather than raging impotently at others via the medium of an anonymous internet forum?

Well shit. That's the end of Mumsnet.

Not at all Swiss. The OP was deeply affected by the behaviour of her fellow guests. Sometimes even the experts on AIBU have to recognise the limits of their wisdom and advise the OP to seek help elsewhere.

I think this is one of those times.

swisswank

I was thinking the same myself

Don't be ridiculous. People are there to pay their respects and to listen to the service and the very carefully chosen words of the eulogy, not a crying baby. A funeral is not something they can do another day when the baby's not crying, but a baby can be taken outside. It's respecting the feelings of the bereaved

And what if the baby belongs to the bereaved, and they don't want to miss the funeral to take them outside?

Where have I said I was "deeply affected"?!

It is merely an observation.

You don't have to say that you were deeply affected for some of the more intuitive of us to realise that you are, whether you realise it or not.

The biggest clue is the number of times you've posted about this funeral. Who was she to you, again? I did ask, but I might have missed it.

I like AIBU but don't always think it is the best arena for sensitive subjects. Perhaps you should ask for it to be moved to Bereavement where people give a more measured response about grief and mourning.

The biggest clue is the number of times you've posted about this funeral

On this one thread - a thread about the funeral