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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - dh siding with ds leaving me upset

282 replies

FindingNemoAgain · 26/07/2016 21:07

Ds (12) made an electronic toy at a club. His had wires sticking out whereas I noticed one of his friends looked neater. I commented on it and said it could do with wires being inside (from a purely aesthetic point (I did also say it looked very cool). He then got home and tried to push the wires in which apparently he now says made it have an intermittent fault with it. It is of course all my fault and I MADE him do it. At dinner he was upset constantly repeating it was me who told him to do it. I was trying to say I didn't make him do anything. DH comes home and hears out conversation and instantly gets on ds side saying to me I was stupid to ask him to do it because it broke a connection... I am still trying to explain I didn't tell him anything, I only mentioned that the other boy's toy looked neater. DH then says I was being critical of ds toy. This is all happening at dinner in front of ds and our other child. Aibu to feel betrayed and upset about DH siding with ds? Even when he saw I was getting quite upset he carried on and it almost felt he was happy I was being blamed for it...

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/07/2016 11:46

I think he would have learnt a more effective lesson if you had allowed him to suggest improvements himself. If you had said, "you clearly have done a lot of work on it, it must of been fun. What do you like best about it? Is there anything you'd do differently next time?" That opens up the option for him to evaluate his own work. You can then praise him for suggesting improvements.

minifingerz · 27/07/2016 11:47

"Either way I've found most British parents want happy children, ones that don't shoot up schools, commit suicide, end up in therapy etc"

Many Chinese parents in the UK would read this thread and laugh like drains. There's a reason why Chinese children are at the top of the achievement tables in the UK and go on to take up hugely disproportionate numbers of places on Engineering, maths and science courses, and that's because they are often pushed hard in school and not heaped with praise every time they complete even the most basic piece of work.

Mental health problems in children are on the rise in the UK across sectors of society. We put bugger all pressure on our dd at school and she still became ill with anxiety. Sadly she also ended up leaving with just 2 GCSE's so when she's hopefully matured out of her adolescent problems, she'll have a host of other worries to deal with trying to compensate for terrible academic results and find a career where she has job security and can keep a roof over her head.

I suspect that many of the posters here who are insisting that children shouldn't be pressured have children who are doing well at school, and who can't imagine their kids ending up in a lifetime of minimum wage, zero hours jobs.

Libitina · 27/07/2016 11:51

My parents and MIL were like this, always had to point out a fault rather than just say something nice.

My DH does this to our DS (now 23). Always giving a compliment with one handing and taking it straight back with the other. No matter how many times I tell him to just stop at "Well done Son". Drives me mad.

davos · 27/07/2016 11:51

The least confident people I've come across often come from families where parents were too soft and never gave criticism.

The least confident people I have come across are the people that have had it broken by those around them.

Surely the right thing to do would be to speak aside to your DC's mum and say you think an apology is owed, if you feel that strongly?

why? Would you sit back and tell your oh they were being out of ear shot if they did this to anyone else?

If my dh was critising someone needlessly I would tell him he was wrong. No way would I allow him to do that, let the other person think that I think it's ok. Then pull him up in private.

Why should people not stand up for their kids when they think it's needed? I would rather my kids know I will step in, regardless of who is handing out the dickish behaviour.

minifingerz · 27/07/2016 11:51

Do none of you have children who do things in a really lazy and slapdash way, because they can't be arsed?

My kids don't put loads of effort and energy into their school work. The minimum often.

Dutchcourage · 27/07/2016 11:52

No mini on this thread is perfect parents and perfect kids only.

Original poster
FindingNemoAgain · 27/07/2016 11:53

Snorecontrol I'm happy to receive constructive criticism on here or from dh. The difference was I didn't tell ds about the wires in front of his friends, it was a comment I made in passing in private AFTER discussing the other stuff from club and praising his work..DH was as you say criticising my comment at dinner time and in front of the kids. Can you not see it being different?

OP posts:
Dutchcourage · 27/07/2016 11:56

This thread is bizarre! Lots of projecting and making out the op is abusing her son, Christ on a bike!

Just read it out at work and it's caused a few laughs - oh well it breaks the day up hey?

Original poster
FindingNemoAgain · 27/07/2016 11:58

Chazs what makes you think I didn't do exactly that?! And was blamed for telling ds it needed to be done differently which broke the toy? I mentioned it could have been done better.

OP posts:
davos · 27/07/2016 11:59

And was blamed for telling ds it needed to be done differently which broke the toy? I mentioned it could have been done better.

but why? Did you also offer to help make the changes, or ask him?

Why did it need to be done differently? Because another boy did it differently

LyndaNotLinda · 27/07/2016 12:02

Okay, you're right OP. You didn't upset your DS, you're right to feel 'betrayed and upset' and that your husband 'sided' with your son.

It is dreadful that your husband doesn't fight your corner when it is clearly not your fault that your DS was stupid enough to try and fix the problem with his robot that you pointed out and broke it in the process.

Better?

Original poster
FindingNemoAgain · 27/07/2016 12:05

I didn't ask him to do it differently. He made the decision to. If you imagine something like a mobile phone and the bit where you plug it in to charge. So that bit was dangling out and apart from making it look messy it also made me think that if you keep fiddling with it it will disconnect inside and not light up anymore. I said I saw one boy had it clipped inside. That was it.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 27/07/2016 12:06

minifingerz, one of my siblings was ill during school and ended up with almost no qualifications. Ten years later, they are excelling in their work (from entry level). In fact, they have more of a career than I, Miss High Grades, Decent Degree, Smarty-Pants ever had. Grades and academia mean nothing over a great support system and not living in fear of not doing well in school. Education is ultimately a small part of life, feeling shit about not being good enough stays with you forever.

Finding, there was nothing wrong with you being pulled up in front of your son. He needed to see that parents can be wrong in their comments sometimes. Hopefully you've learned to be a bit kinder in future.

davos · 27/07/2016 12:08

I commented on it and said it could do with wires being inside (from a purely aesthetic point

you said this. It was nothing to do with being worried it may eventually not working.

You didn't tell him to change it. But you did tell him someone else's looked better.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/07/2016 12:12

OP, you've had some great advice here. Your hurt at your husband is little compared to how hurt your son must have been. He's 12 - you're an adult and a slight managed to hurt you.

I think your husband was right; this wasn't a serious problem and he did right to stand next to his son opposed to you. If it would have been a serious issue, I'm sure he would have been alongside your judgement and criticised you privately.

On the 'comparison is the thief of joy' and 'mismatcher' comment (from fastdaytears, I think), these are very valid. If you don't pick up the nuances of these now then you're setting yourself up for a miserable time as your children grow and don't tell you anything again.

I have a very surface relationship with my mum (much as I do love her) because she was like this when I was young (when it mattered). Came 2nd in something and 1st in something else - only the 1st was praised although I'd put so much more into getting the 2nd place. Spelling tests, high 90s, check - who got 'top'?

She's always saying how proud she is of me now... and it means zip. I don't care to hear it and would rather not.

toptoe · 27/07/2016 12:17

It's fine to talk about how to do things better, but it's how you say it that matters. So you can say 'that looks cool - how does it work?' and have a conversation on how he made it and then in a roundabout way you'd have got to the wires sticking out. Then he may well have said himself 'I could have popped the wires in but I ran out of time' and you could have said 'we can do that at home if you like'.

Nothing wrong with discussing how we can do things better next time.

It's funny though that we are gentle with children but with other mums we'll say she 'failed' in some way. It's not a 'failure' just maybe it could have gone better. I like what Mrs Practchett said about positive parenting. It's modelling and discussing what you do together and talking about how you can make things better next time if need be together in an exciting positive way. We should be like this with eachother too.

Parenting is not a perfect thing and someone told me that what we aim for is 'good enough'. If you want a child to excell in something, yes you'll need to support them but 'pushing' isn't going to work unless you want them to be stressed out. To excel they need their own passion, fuelled by regular practice supported by adults. But the crucial bit is the passion, the spark. That needs to be there in the first place.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/07/2016 12:24

Chazs what makes you think I didn't do exactly that?!
err.. the fact you didn't mention doing it!
I am not pyschic so I went by what you said in your OP

"His had wires sticking out whereas I noticed one of his friends looked neater. I commented on it and said it could do with wires being inside (from a purely aesthetic point (I did also say it looked very cool)"

You seem to be backtracking a lot on what you said to your son. First it was aesthetic now its because you were worried about it being disconnected.

This is a great opportunity for you to have a good discussion with your son on how he would like you to support him. Ask him how he felt and how you could both communicate better in the future. We all get it wrong as parents or sometimes things we don't think will bother our children do actually bother them a lot. Take it as an opportunity not a setback.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/07/2016 12:33

*Minifingerz
We put bugger all pressure on our dd at school and she still became ill with anxiety. Sadly she also ended up leaving with just 2 GCSE's so when she's hopefully matured out of her adolescent problems, she'll have a host of other worries to deal with trying to compensate for terrible academic results and find a career where she has job security and can keep a roof over her head.

Do none of you have children who do things in a really lazy and slapdash way, because they can't be arsed?

My kids don't put loads of effort and energy into their school work. The minimum often*.

I dunno Minifinggers, from your comments I can certainly understand why your DD would feel pressured and anxious.

UnderslungBowlingBall · 27/07/2016 12:40

My mum was like this. Everything was criticised, from the age of 3 or 4. I won't pretend I haven't done alright for myself, but I still hate that woman to this day.
OP, you were being quite unreasonable. You don't have to praise everything, but neither should you be comparing a 12 year old to his peers and saying 'that looks so much better' (perhaps not what you said but generally what they hear). Then, once you've criticised your DS you get annoyed about your DH criticising you. If you can't take it, don't dish it.
For future reference, leave it at 'wow, that's really good!', maybe later say 'is this wire going to be ok loose?'.
As for the workplace needing to be perfect, Oxford will take you with 3 As (3 counts of 80%) and Cambridge with 2 As and a B (2 counts of 80% and on of 70%), perhaps lower depending on your school.
If he were older I wouldn't be saying any of this, but at 12 I think suggestions are better than criticism. As Derek Deane (a thoroughly horrible man BTW) said ' at this age you can damage a person rather than build them'.

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/07/2016 12:48

Any pushy parent should listen to this song....

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/07/2016 12:51

Agree completely with your post, Underslung. So much damage can be done by people professing to love you and thinking that their way is best when it can just take the floor out from under you.

I'm so careful now in my own parenting to do the complete opposite of what my mum did so I'm cautious and very measured, thinking very much before I say and do anything. For myself, I still feel that I don't ever measure up so I never seek validation because what's the point?

RichardBucket · 27/07/2016 12:55

My mum is like the OP. It's done a lot of damage to the relationship, and I'm much more able to handle criticism than a 12 year old. Poor OP's son Sad

Original poster
FindingNemoAgain · 27/07/2016 13:02

Tinkly - no need to be rude to some who has a different opinion to yours...

OP posts:
UnderslungBowlingBall · 27/07/2016 13:25

Agreed LyingWitch, I think the thing that really broke me with my mum was that in my few moments of clarity I knew she loved me and she was doing the wrong things for the right reasons.

UnderslungBowlingBall · 27/07/2016 13:26
Since someone else brought up the subject of songs, I try and live by this one.