Aibu - dh siding with ds leaving me upset

[FindingNemoAgain]

Ds (12) made an electronic toy at a club. His had wires sticking out whereas I noticed one of his friends looked neater. I commented on it and said it could do with wires being inside (from a purely aesthetic point (I did also say it looked very cool). He then got home and tried to push the wires in which apparently he now says made it have an intermittent fault with it. It is of course all my fault and I MADE him do it. At dinner he was upset constantly repeating it was me who told him to do it. I was trying to say I didn't make him do anything. DH comes home and hears out conversation and instantly gets on ds side saying to me I was stupid to ask him to do it because it broke a connection... I am still trying to explain I didn't tell him anything, I only mentioned that the other boy's toy looked neater. DH then says I was being critical of ds toy. This is all happening at dinner in front of ds and our other child. Aibu to feel betrayed and upset about DH siding with ds? Even when he saw I was getting quite upset he carried on and it almost felt he was happy I was being blamed for it...

[cuntinghomicidalcardigan]

I feel sad for your ds. He was proud of his work. All you needed to do was be proud too. Instead you told him it wasn't good enough, his friend's was better. It's good that your dh stood up for him.

[Fairylea]

The appropriate response to your ds showing you something he'd made and was pleased with would have been "oh wow ds that's great" lots of smiles and well dones. Pointing out his friends was neater was cruel and unnecessary. Sorry but I'm with your dh.

[PenelopePitstops]

Oh gosh the more you post the worse you sound.

Sometimes praise is enough especially from parents.

My nan is like this, at 83 no one wants anything to do with her because she's known for being negative and comparative to the point of making everyone feel like shit.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

My Mum likes to 'help' with suggestions. We aren't close. The two may well be connected.

My mum's like this too, although I love her to bits.

Nothing is ever just "nice" or "good" or "well done". I always know there's a "but" coming.

She never loses an opportunity to tack on a homily about something that needs to be improved, even if it's totally irrelevant to the situation at hand, or can't be changed.

[george1020]

Wow OP ypur second posmade it so much better!

Your poor DS! If I was him I'd be telling you your dinner was a bit shit tonight maybe make it like MIL does next time, she cooks so much better than you and it looks prettier.

[fastdaytears]

Ok if you really wanted to "help" your DS be better at making robots then you could ask him what he would change if he did it again. But honestly I would just go for praise and encouragement

[george1020]

My god my predictive text is shocking sorry

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

It took me a while to learn to stop doing things like that. It doesn't help them improve, it makes them feel that they're not good enough. Learn from this, apologise and remember to keep negative thoughts to yourself in future.

[BITCAT]

I'm afraid it does sound like you may have hurt your ds feeling. And didn't really need to make any comparisons to other kids toys. Should have just said well done and left it there..these things can have such a knock on effect on a child's confidence.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

if you don't say how to improve things (which on second thought I said because the dangling wires could be pulled and break the connections, but I didn't mean for him to push them in now that the toy was sealed) as it is 'fragile', how would the kids learn to do something better next time?!



Well, in that case, the constructive thing to do would surely have been to offer a solution to to potential for the wires to get pulled - ie, glue, cellotape the wires to the side.

Rather than sit and moan about something that can't be changed because the toy has already been sealed.

[ZippyNeedsFeeding]

Poor kid, you really burst his bubble.
When kids are that age, there really isn't any such thing as constructive criticism of something they have made, only criticism. My parents used to do exactly this and every time a little piece of me died.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Did he ask? Because my mum is a little like this; always with the helpful suggestions. Sometimes you just have to work out how your child feels and go with it. DD's artwork...

DD: Do you like it Mummy, are you proud of me?
Me: I like the purple flower and the way you put a dragon on it. Did you work hard on it?
DD: Yes, very hard
Me: Are you proud of yourself?
DD: I am I should have coloured in the edges though.
Me: Next time you can.

It took parenting classes though!

[Dutchcourage]

op did you use his friends as a comparison? Did you actually say 'X looks neater'

I don't think there is anything wrong with making suggestions. Positive suggestions can help!

I think your Dh was being twatty.

[FindingNemoAgain]

Gosh, how was it being harsh saying the wires would be safer inside.. do children really need to be praised for everything. If he rushes to do his hw and it's messy should I also be saying well done in fear it could hurt his feelings? Thanks for your comments anyhow

[BITCAT]

By the way this is what my mother did to me over and over again and I never felt good enough needless to say we dont speak anymore.
I have to pull my kids dad up on this sort of thing a lot tbh. He has blatantly called his daughter fat, tried to correct every piece of art work telling them how they could make it better when in reality, all that's needed is well done, that's great or a pat on the back. Usually they have worked really hard on something for someone to then pick faults with it can be a little disheartening for them.

[HeadfirstForHalos]

I'm with your dh. It was a fun toy he made at a holiday club. Sometimes you just don't need "constructive" criticism.

You made him feel bad enough about his effort that he felt the need to try and improve it to the point it broke.

At least he has his dad sticking up for him.

[BastardGoDarkly]

So it was already sealed?! How the hell was your comment going to help then?

[BastardGoDarkly]

Op: AIBU

MN: yup

Op: no I'm not, thanks anyway.

[HeadfirstForHalos]

It wasn't homework , it was just a bit of fun. Plus you didn't just mention how it could be improved, you crucially compared it to his friend's. Ouch.

[HeadfirstForHalos]

*critically not crucially.

[MistressMerryWeather]

You didn't say it would be safer, it wasn't about safety.

You told him you thought his friends looked better without the wires showing.

[Believeitornot]

You need to have a read of a book called the growth mindset.

It isn't about unadulterated praise but taking an interest in something.

He isn't stupid - he would have made the comparison himself.

And can you not see that you upset your son because he tried to fix it.

Ask him how he felt when you said that about his work.

You don't just say "well done", you ask questions about it. That's how you build his confidence.

How did you feel as a kid when you got criticism?

[Fairylea]

Children need to be praised when it's something they've made for fun and they're proud of it regardless of however you think it looks. It's not the same as homework or whatever when you can be honest if they need to do something else etc - even then you would still heap on the praise and encouragement.

Stuff like this stays with people. When I was about 13 I used to do singing lessons. Once a year they had a concert where all the pupils would sing in front of parents and I was really excited to show mum and dad how well I thought I could sing. After me another girl went on and sung and all the way home my mum and dad said how amazing she was. "You were great but...." It has stayed with me ever since and put me off singing again. I am 36 now.

As a parent you should be your children's number one cheerleader. No one else is going to be.

[SaggyNaggy]

do children really need to be praised for everything

They dont need praise for everything but they don't need their hard work shit on by their own mother either.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

Gosh, how was it being harsh saying the wires would be safer inside.

It's being harsh if you don't supply, or help your kid come up with, a way of making the wires safe.

You just came out with a criticism, and a comparative one at that, without helping your son identify any way of remedying the "problem".

The net result is that the toy he made and appears to have been perfectly happy with before you butted in, now doesn't work properly.