Aibu - dh siding with ds leaving me upset

[FindingNemoAgain]

Ds (12) made an electronic toy at a club. His had wires sticking out whereas I noticed one of his friends looked neater. I commented on it and said it could do with wires being inside (from a purely aesthetic point (I did also say it looked very cool). He then got home and tried to push the wires in which apparently he now says made it have an intermittent fault with it. It is of course all my fault and I MADE him do it. At dinner he was upset constantly repeating it was me who told him to do it. I was trying to say I didn't make him do anything. DH comes home and hears out conversation and instantly gets on ds side saying to me I was stupid to ask him to do it because it broke a connection... I am still trying to explain I didn't tell him anything, I only mentioned that the other boy's toy looked neater. DH then says I was being critical of ds toy. This is all happening at dinner in front of ds and our other child. Aibu to feel betrayed and upset about DH siding with ds? Even when he saw I was getting quite upset he carried on and it almost felt he was happy I was being blamed for it...

You have my sympathy OP.

My 12 year old has had a piano teacher for 5 years who doesn't hold back with her criticism. She can be very harsh and often is. It's done him the world of good - he loves his lessons and basks in her praise when she sparingly dishes it out.

It's not good for a parent not to give sincere praise and ALWAYS to criticise. But never to criticise?

People seem to be assuming that the OP constantly criticises her child, and are basing their responses on that.

Does the OP give any indication that doesn't also praise her child?

minifingerz, can you honestly not see the difference between a paid piano teacher offering the constructive criticism she is engaged to dish out, and a parent deliberately bursting her son's bubble?

I cannot believe what I'm reading here....

OP - you are extremely hard headed and it really isn't a trait to be proud of.

Of course there's nothing wrong with constructive criticism - but theres a time and a place and it simply wasnt necessary on this occasion. He's a child. & I can't fathom how you wilfully fail to see, that comparing your child to another child in a less favourable light, is WRONG. Its such an unpleasant thing to do

Your son and your DH's reaction to you, suggests your stubborn and critical traits are well known, your son is upset by it (hence his very strong reaction) and your DH is mightily sick of it

Its not ideal re the way your DH handled it - in front of your son. The conversation should have happened privately between you. But perhaps you feeling upset at being berated due to how you've made your son feel, may in turn give you an idea of how your son felt when you basically said "yeah its alright but your mate's is better, change it"

Its so transparently clear you don't like to feel that you're being criticised. Well if you can't take it, don't dish it out and then try to mask it as something else. You criticised your son, aimed to get him to do something in YOUR way - and you messed up. Period.

All this, over a toy made in the summer holidays. A fun activity, not an exam activity?!

*sigh

Quite frankly I don't subscribed to the 'United front' thinking. Especially when one parents is being ridiculous. Why should I stand by dh if he is acting like an arse ?

I wouldn't present a united front of he was being an arse to friends, parents or anyone. Why do I have to do it if it's the kids.

Luckily dh isn't an arse. So it's not an issue. Quite frankly op, what you did was quite cruel. It was a other done for fun and you compared it to someone else's. Did you even offer to help him tuck the wires away?

It wasn't a safety concern, or a teachable moment.

Your husband was right.

"yeah its alright but your mate's is better, change it"

Even worse, she said you mate's is better and you can't change it now.

No way would I be putting on a united front with you over this. Your DS needs a big squish and an apology.

I wish I'd known that parenting should be all about me and what makes me feel good. I'd have had kids sooner.

I was very academic at school and was competitive not because a parent told me I wasn't as good as someone else. It came from me and teachers encouraging me to do well.
I was put off sports and music because of a couple of comments made by twats people like yourself. However now I have re discovered sport and I'm pretty good. Which is a real shame- years wasted because of clumsy criticism.

My mum is like this. Can never quite say "well done, that's great". There's always an element of criticism.

I love her to bits and I know she means well and her intentions are good, but it can be quite trying.

I think you should have just praised him and bitten your tongue. Maybe try that next time to avoid this?

Sounds like your dh gave you a taste of your own medicine!

My OH grew up with parents doing things like this and it has taken a lot to show him he is now good enough in everything he does, that he is valued by his employer and that he can do things without criticism

It also made him very defensive, as he always expects a negative reply when he has done things

but this wasn't helpful or constructive criticism, this was spiteful nitpicking, not in any way designed to support the child's development.

To me it smacks of competitive parenting, were you disgruntled to see a competitor's son emerging with a neater looking piece of work?

Why are you comparing this to constructive guidance for academic development, or even with working towards a university degree? There is no link, you are just trying to justify totally unjustifiable unkindness.

DH was right to publicly side with your son. I'm very glad for your son that he did that.

Oh God, are you my mother? I hope not, or your DS has a lifetime of cripplingly low self-esteem ahead.

Is your son a bit slapdash in everything he does, you see his friends come out with work they tried really hard on and you know yours will proudly tell you "oh i did mine in 5 mins then played"

You basically told your son, that what he'd made wasn't as good as his mates.
He tried to make it as good as his mates by trying to do what you thought made his mates better.
in doing so, it broke

...........and YOU are upset?

I am so glad his dad sided with him. At least one parent is pleased that he made an effort and admired what he'd achieved.

when he grows up with no self confidence, don't be surprised.

I used to teach children with parents like you, their usually the ones that develop extremely low self esteem.

What is more worrying is that in your OP you seem to be expecting sympathy. Do you often seek to make yourself feel like the victim when you know you are the one in the wrong?

*they were NOT their ;-)

Think thread is crazy.

I don't think there is anything wrong with positive criticism. I coach kids and tend to over praise or give a 'praise sandwhich' - praise - critique - praise.

There is is nothing wrong with giving supportive critique it it is delivered correctly - it's how people improve. I've used other people as examples to show students how to improve.

Regarding the singing that's now being an issue. Yes if my child singing was so bad it was making my ears bleed I'd say maybe singing wasn't their thing and try work on something else!

My mum was exactly like you OP. My best essay was picked apart for spelling mistakes. My singing was compared, negatively, to my much older sibling.

I worked my ass off for their (dad just nodded at everything she said) approval.

When I got the highest a level marks in the school they said "we wouldn't have been surprised if you got all u's or all a's).

I didn't think I was good enough for a top uni so didn't even apply. Went to a lesser one.

Haven't had the confidence to apply for jobs in my favourite field... I went to the wrong uni after all, so a first class degree and a national award probably aren't good enough.

I work a job I find easy and unrewarding and it makes me miserable.

It's not too late for your kids OP.

Yes if my child singing was so bad it was making my ears bleed I'd say maybe singing wasn't their thing and try work on something else!

That didn't happen though! The singing thing was about a child who was a perfectly OK singer and was excited to perform for her parents, who then chose to focus on how much more amazing another child was. These things loom large for children when it comes from their parents, as you can see from all the memories dredged up on this thread.

Also, coaching is coaching and parenting is parenting. If my child's coach wasn't telling them how to improve then I'd be unimpressed. That doesn't mean I as a mum have to try and improve everything my child does for fun. My DD goes dancing twice a week and does OK but is definitely not a natural. But she likes it and benefits from being active. I don't tell her she's an incredible dancer with a shining career ahead of her, but I don't pick her dancing apart either. I take her to class, I ask if it was fun and I let her show me her dance moves. For a fun activity, that's all she needs from me.

Sounds childish but you can use the rule I teach my kids - is what you're going to say true, necessary or kind? If you can't apply at least two of those, don't say it. So it's true and necessary for me to push DD to do her school reading properly when she's not trying, but it's not necessary for me to critique a painting she's doing for fun unless she asks for my help. Likewise it's necessary and kind to focus on your child when they've just performed in a concert that was a massive deal for them, even if they weren't the best soloist there.

12 year olds don't have the emotional maturity to respond to constructive criticism like adults (and many adults find it hard... Like the OP ironically)

So you give all the praise and get him to think about what could be better... As well as what he enjoyed, what he's most proud of

United front is fine a lot of the time, but you can't unconditionally and uncritically agree with someone when it's negatively affecting your child.

you said "that's really cool. But your mates looks better with the wires inside."
He heard "yours isn't as good as your mates"

So he tried to fix it, which didn't work, so he's cross with himself and also with you because if you hadn't criticised he wouldn't have tried to "fix" it.

He made something and showed you so you would be proud of him. You weren't. So he tried to fix it. It didn't work and now he knows he isn't going to get your approval.

The more you talk the more you sound like a really fucking negative person OP. Sound like my Mother. And I really don't enjoy talking to or sharing anything with her anymore.