Aibu - dh siding with ds leaving me upset

[FindingNemoAgain]

Ds (12) made an electronic toy at a club. His had wires sticking out whereas I noticed one of his friends looked neater. I commented on it and said it could do with wires being inside (from a purely aesthetic point (I did also say it looked very cool). He then got home and tried to push the wires in which apparently he now says made it have an intermittent fault with it. It is of course all my fault and I MADE him do it. At dinner he was upset constantly repeating it was me who told him to do it. I was trying to say I didn't make him do anything. DH comes home and hears out conversation and instantly gets on ds side saying to me I was stupid to ask him to do it because it broke a connection... I am still trying to explain I didn't tell him anything, I only mentioned that the other boy's toy looked neater. DH then says I was being critical of ds toy. This is all happening at dinner in front of ds and our other child. Aibu to feel betrayed and upset about DH siding with ds? Even when he saw I was getting quite upset he carried on and it almost felt he was happy I was being blamed for it...

[Memoires]

A united front is all very well, but if you honestly think the person you're meant to be united with is wrong, then you're being dishonest by not saying so. A good example to set is to then discuss it sensibly.

[NeedATrim]

If you had kept shtum about those un'aesthetically' pleasing wires, its most likely your son would have left it as it was and well alone. IF he then thought to change those pesky unaesthetically pleasing wires, then him attempting to rectify his work is at his own perogative and if it breaks as a consequence, then its fair game as it was off his own back.

Why are you digging your heels over this OP? It's ok to get things wrong you know - just consider, admit it and throw in a genuine apology.

[Sellingyesterdaysnews]

This is one of those situations when a parent really sticks their oar in and spoils things. For all OP knows, because she didn't ask, there was a reason why her ds made it in this style. Maybe it was a suggestion from someone at the hobby club, maybe it was from a picture, maybe from a robot war type previous model or something he's seen on TV.
The second thing is that everyone feels a bit sad for OPs ds because he's sensed his mum is finding fault, he's tried to fix it, and ruined it. Added to that, it's caused a teatime row between ds, his mother and between the parents themselves. All of which is a pretty crap outcome from a hobby club model which should have brought glory.
OP doesn't seem to understand how her ds feels, which is why everyone feels sorry for her ds. It's not about achievement, or honesty, or getting into university, it's actually about being nice to a child.

[spanky2]

The fact that there have been 12 pages of people telling you yabu isn't making you think OP?

[OnionKnight]

You sound like a knob OP, of course your DH shouldn't back you up all of the time, even more so when you are in the wrong.

[roundaboutthetown]

Admit it, OP, comparing his toy unfavourably with his friend's was unnecessary, unkind and downright stupid. There were just so many ways you could have handled it better. And why bloody bother criticising it at all if you don't want him to improve it in the way you suggested, anyway? Did you just want to make him view it as incurably crap?!

[LyndaNotLinda]

YABU. Whichever way you want to look at it.

I'm sorry you haven't managed to control this thread's direction. I do wish you'd taken on board some of the comments though.

[BitOutOfPractice]

So OP how do you explain your pathetic behaviour at the dinner table?

[EdmundCleverClogs]

You're still being unreasonable about being upset about your husband giving you a 'telling off' though. The toy was indirectly broken because of you, there's no two ways about it. You made a criticism about his project, which he was originally happy with, and tried to 'fix it' purely based on your comments. If you had just been kind and said 'well done', without making him and his work feel second best, none of this would have happened. Your husband wasn't in the wrong, you were (and still are).

[TendonQueen]

'I didn't tell him to' - you made it clear it was not good enough as it was.

So basically, the lesson here is, everyone but you should have done something differently? Your son should have done the wires differently in the first place or just ignored your criticism. Your husband should have backed you up. Posters here should have seen it differently. Yep, everyone can improve their game but you, it seems.

[FindingNemoAgain]

I did not ask whether IWBU saying to ds the wires would be better in. I asked about DH. If it was reversed, I would think the best thing to do would be, I'm coming in after work. Child upset, blaming parent for a broken toy. I'd say sorry your toy isnt working but I'm sure the parent didn't mean for it to break, we can look at it AFTER dinner. Instead of, that was a stupid thing to tell him to do ( which I didn't, he chose to) etc. End of story. But it's irrelevant now anyway.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP, your last post doesn't surprise me at all. You sound supremely arrogant and condescending to boot. You don't have to take the opinions of random people here (whose opinions you asked for), but you really ought to take on board the people in your family who don't believe that you were doing a tip-top job in this instance - your husband and your son.

I hope their opinions matter to you because heaven help you if they don't.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Whatamess that reminds me of 'Child Genius' which dh and I frequently get very annoyed at. The kids who fall apart are generally the ones who have been pushed and pushed and told by their ultra competitive parents how important it is to always be the best. The kids who cope better and often do better are the ones who entered themselves into the competition and their parents are 'yes you're very clever. I'm proud of you no matter how far you get. If someone else gets further then it's not the end of the world - there's always next time if you choose to try again'. Children flourish when not under parental pressure but can be very anxious if they're constantly seeking to please someone else. Anyway, I digress....

[YorkieDorkie]

For Christ's sake OP you asked if YWBU and everyone has said YES!

Don't bother with an AIBU again please. You're criticising your son for not accepting your criticism but HELLO you've just rejected 200+ people criticising you.

[LyndaNotLinda]

Face it OP. You were being spiteful.

[WhatamessIgotinto]

Well done to your DH for not behaving like a twat to your DS.

I work with children and at the end of last term I was when a poor kid (also 12) was beside himself after 'only' getting 97% in his Science test. He was shaking and could barely explain to me how upset and 'disappointed again' his dad would be that he didn't get all the questions right. Fucking shameful way to parent.

[user7755]

I think that parents should back each other up when it's about TV time, sweets or homework. However, when one parent is clearly being unreasonable and out of order to the child, it is the responsibility of the other parent to challenge that. If DH was acting like an arsehole because he was grumpy, I'd pull him up on it. Just because they're kids, they shouldn't be made to feel like adults are always right in he way that they act.

[davos]

So he wins competitions and is 'motivated to succeed'.

So he was clearly happy with his creation until you critiqued it. He doesn't sound like the sort to do a half hearted job then whinge he is disappointed in himself.

If he was happy with it, that should be enough. It wasn't for anything apart from to pass sometime at his club.

What you are posting makes no sense at all.

Back to the original point. I don't believe your dh has any obligation to back you up if he disagrees with what you did.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

But he wasn't making it for a competition op, he was making it at a club as a pastime, because he enjoyed making it. We are currently teaching our (very competitive) 5yo ds that although it's important to always do his very best, not everything is a competition - some things can just be for the fun of doing them. If he was making a robot for a competition, we'd make suggestions for improvement. If he was making it for fun, we'd say 'that's great - did you have fun doing it?' We're also struggling to contain the braggish side of his nature by trying to impart to him that a little humility goes a long way among his peers. Sorry but I think your dh is right.

[EttaJ]

OP you know what's truly boring?! People like you coming on here with your BS and simply refusing to accept you're wrong when its YOU that posted and clearly expected everyone to agree with you . You have just proved yourself to be a pretty unpleasant character with every post.

If it's so boring ,stop reading and responding. Go brush up on your parenting skills or obtain some. Stop being a goady fucker too.

[MistressDeeCee]

OP you asked about a current situation and thats what you were given advice about, it makes no difference giving a backstory to how much your DS has done in the past. & you're also making it sound as if its all down to you?!

I don't believe any of us as parents get it right all the time and nor do we have to. But you have no concept of taking responsibility for unfairness at all. Your son and DH have let you know in different ways but you don't want to "hear".

Perhaps its also boring listening to what they have to say about the unhappiness your son felt regarding you undermining him

Anyway good luck with all that. & if you want people to agree with your actions and stance even when glaringly unpleasant, MN is possibly not the place

[WeAreTheOthers]

Point being the OP (I think) is claiming we don't have successful people because we're too soft when that's just not true. Whatever you think of those people you cannot deny they are extremely skilled in their fields.

[SaggyNaggy]

So... Why make this thread then?
What did you expect?

"There there, everything's fine, your hubby should always back ypou one hundred Percent even when you're wrong"

Wasn't ever going to happen.

[FindingNemoAgain]

TBH it's getting boring reading how I 'constantly criticise my dc'. My 'poor unhappy' 12 yo has been part of some large national competitions (in different areas) and has won a few times, he's found out about them either by himself or been told by friends who know he likes them. Some of the prizes he's won were big plus he will remember the experience forever. So perhaps my constant bad parenting isn't affecting him too badly after all. And perhaps he CAN solder without burning himself because he was encouraged from young age to learn to do things that he enjoys properly. . However I can see that some children wouldn't do well in the same situations. And no, I don't always get it right, but must be doing OK if he's happy to try things and is motivated to succeed.

[NeedAnotherGlass]

we don't know if op does constantly criticises her ds
It's pretty clear from the OP's responses on this thread that she considers her critical approach to be the best for him, even if it is mixed with praise when he does things that meet her standards.