Aibu - dh siding with ds leaving me upset

[FindingNemoAgain]

Ds (12) made an electronic toy at a club. His had wires sticking out whereas I noticed one of his friends looked neater. I commented on it and said it could do with wires being inside (from a purely aesthetic point (I did also say it looked very cool). He then got home and tried to push the wires in which apparently he now says made it have an intermittent fault with it. It is of course all my fault and I MADE him do it. At dinner he was upset constantly repeating it was me who told him to do it. I was trying to say I didn't make him do anything. DH comes home and hears out conversation and instantly gets on ds side saying to me I was stupid to ask him to do it because it broke a connection... I am still trying to explain I didn't tell him anything, I only mentioned that the other boy's toy looked neater. DH then says I was being critical of ds toy. This is all happening at dinner in front of ds and our other child. Aibu to feel betrayed and upset about DH siding with ds? Even when he saw I was getting quite upset he carried on and it almost felt he was happy I was being blamed for it...

OP If this was literally a one off incident, I'd say that PPs are being a bit harsh but, from other things you've said, you do come across as generally quite a critical parent with all the talk of toughening him up for the workplace etc.
I'm another one who's a product of overly critical parenting and constantly being compared to my brother. It really does leave its mark as you can see from the responses here. I'm civil to my mum but we will never be close.

Yes yes op. The U.K. Is well known for never producing any world class scientists, musicians, inventors, writers, artists, leaders etc.

OP I didn't push my children , I encouraged them
They are happy , confident adults now , where did I go wrong eh ?

I won't tell my story on here as it is obvious from other posters how harming being told ( however badly veiled ) that you're just not good enough is

I hope the replies you've had will make you think good and hard about how you speak to your son

Your husband was right

There was no need for you to nit pick. If it could have been done better or needed improvement, then at 12, that's something he should be assessing for himself or with the help. Your criticism is not helpful in any way. And your criticism was just critical - there was no thought behind it, no explanation of why you were criticising, it was only later, after posting here, that you thought of a "reasonable" explanation of why you were right. If it did need fixing, you could have helped him work out a better solution.

Your DH is right.

It's not about mindless praise, it's about recognising what they have done well, acknowledging the effort that has gone into doing it, feeling a sense of pride and achievement, helping them to assess their own work and identify if there are any improvements they could make or things they could do differently next time.

How would you like it if after serving up a meal, your DS or DH said "thanks for that but Nan makes it better"
Or a neighbour knocked on your door and said "The flowers in your garden don't look as good as Bill's"
Sometimes, there is simply no need to criticise.
You can push children without criticising them.

Yes if my child singing was so bad it was making my ears bleed I'd say maybe singing wasn't their thing and try work on something else!
It wouldn't occur to you to support them to improve?
What if it was Maths that they weren't good at? Would you tell them to give that up too?
You would be teaching them that if they aren't naturally good at something - best give up and do something else instead.

"I dunno Minifinggers, from your comments I can certainly understand why your DD would feel pressured and anxious"

Go on then, spell it out.

I think most of the posters here are making an assumption about the OPs priorities as a parent which might be unfair.

My priority is to make sure my children are emotionally secure, feel supported, know I love them and they love me in return. I hope this will lead them to be successful.

However it seems these aren't the OPs priorities, rather she wants her DC to achieve and succeed in life and if that's at the expense of her positive relationship with them it sounds like she's ok with that. In which case, while we see this as very sad for her and her DC, she doesn't because her value system isn't the same.

Therefore the only question we can help her with is was her DH wrong to reprimand her infront of her DS?

Based on what I can see of her value system of welcoming constructive criticism in order to improve and achieve, I would say no he wasn't. Your DS has seen that even adults still need to accept and deal with unwelcome and unsolicited criticism and this is what he can expect, particularly at home, going forward. How the OP handles her own criticism in front of him will show him how you expect him to behave in the face of the same.

Most ... actually I'm being unfair... all of my dcs art/models look like much younger children made them. It's not their thing, but they enjoy it so where's the harm in finding something good about it, even if it's a white lie!
I'm rubbish at running and singing but who cares I like doing it!
Really, lighten up. It doesn't matter what anyone else's looks like, your dcs is what counts. You need to apologise, you were wrong. Poor kid!

Does telling your child that a piece of work you suspect hasn't been done with much care and attention, isn't great = telling them that they aren't great?

FWIW, re the snidy marks implying I'm a horrible unsupportive parent, I fell over myself to appreciate every little thing my child did, regardless of what it was like, regardless of how little effort she put into it, because actually I'm a big softy. Sadly the result of this was to end up with a child who went through school thinking that making an effort wasn't really an issue.

needanother I think you need to take an objective look and not get too carried away.

If my child could never be a professional singer I'd never encourage them to continue down that path. Singing is a skill/gift many of us are not gifted with. So no I wouldn't be that parent spending thousands on singing lessons so I could cheer from behind the stage at Xfactor auditions

My eldest did have extra maths lessons (and English) because she is dyslexic and we wanted her to be able to leave school well equipt to do what she likes.

I'm not going to lie to my child face that they can sing when they cannot. I would not let them embarrass themselves like that.

Just like I would never let any of my pupils enter an exam or a race they had no chance of passing/winning. I would not set them up to fail.

There is a difference between blindly setting some one up to fail and encouraging/guiding some one to succeed.

I actually avoided pages 8-11 having read everything else when I saw this comment:

If you look for amazing kid pianists or gymnasts, ballet dancers etc. they almost always come from outside the UK. Reading your comments here made me realise why. The British would rather 'beat around the bush' in fear of hurting someone's feelings.

Actually a lot of the top gymnasts in the world come from the UK. Without drugs (Russia/Ukraine/Romania) or intensive training at the age of 4 (China). Or being sponsored to go to a top university so you can "pass" English/Maths/whatever but get to use the best facilities around (America) they do it because.....

Beth Tweddle is a prime example. As are the British gymnastic team; men and women . Ballet dancers - Darcey Bussel anyone?

Both of my children can play a piano but TBH they can't be arsed. DD is an amazing dancer (and ex child model) and is working with me to teach 20+ children 3 times a week during the Summer holidays. DS could but I couldn't bribe him enough.

Oh and they can both swim ;)

I'm not going to lie to my child face that they can sing when they cannot. I would not let them embarrass themselves like that

I would just like to add to this I would never laugh in my child's face at their singing either. No, we would wait till they had left the room and do it quietly.

If I think my dcs aren't putting their full effort in I will tell them I know they can do better, but only if the can. I only compare them to themselves. You can't compare two different people.

Minifingerz - appreciating something, and saying it's great are two entirely separate, often unrelated things.

Telling your kid something is fantastic and amazing even though it is a pile of shit that took 2 seconds to produce, is indeed the path to lazy kids with massive senses of entitlement.

But telling them that the painting they took hours and hours over looks like they put a lot of effort and hard work into it and you're very proud of them and it'll take pride of place on the fridge is something entirely different.

The latter builds self-confidence, gives them the security to try something and make an effort even though they're not particularly gifted at that area, and to feel proud of the efforts they have put in.

Don't confuse the two.

Well we used to have, Kitty, we just don't really now. Go back 30 years or more and you'll find that Great Britain was a hub of achieving people.

I've noticed in the last twenty years or so, since this insidious X-factor programme and the like, that people are hungry for fame without actually doing anything to achieve that.

I think it's a bit incongruous to compare the OP's scenario with 'not being corrected' because at leisure, it's fine sometimes to not be the best nor even strive to, to just do something for the love or enjoyment of it.

There's a time and place for constructive criticism; there always has been.

Agree titchy, it would be lazy parenting to rave over something slapdash that only took mediocre time and effort. Effort is very much the key thing, in my opinion.

Minifingerz I don't need to spell it out, just read your comments back.

You say your children are lazy and slapdash and put no effort in and because of her terrible academic results (because of her illness) your daughter will struggle to put a roof over her head.

Your own level of anxiety comes across quite clearly. There is a good chance that has been transferred to your daughter.

And I say that as someone whose daughter has gone down the whole anxiety, self harming route. As a parent I feel I have to take a large amount of responsibility for my daughters mental health and look to myself to change and improve and help her. Certainly not to say, "Well I've never pressured her, I've been lovely and laid back, nothing to do with me".

Yes I hold my hands up. I have called my kids lazy and slapdash and stressed over it. DS, it went over his head. But I think it contributed to DD's anxiety issues. I could easily have posted the OP a couple of years ago, even down to the DH going against me aspect. I really try to be better now. My kids are certainly better for it.

tinkly I think your massively projecting your own issues on to other posters on this thread.

Well we are all projecting our issues Dutch, putting our two pennorth in. My DD has been fine for a couple of years; I feel we have massively dodged a bullet.

But criticising your children and constantly demanding perfection is not good. I learned that the hard way.

OP, you come across as someone who finds it hard to apologise. Do you hold grudges for disproportionate amounts of time, too? Long stony silences, short answers and a snippy attitude for the day(s)? So much of your messages have the tone of my mother - and guess whom I'm in no contact with?
Just apologise.. It'll mean the world to your son honestly.

Margot Fonteyn
Darcey Bussel
Beth Twiddle
Lemmy
Sting
Brian Johnson
Angus Young
Andy Murray
Kelly Holmes
Freddie Mercury
Brian May

Lots of very talented people from the U.K.

Did you ask him why he left the wires outside the toy? Was it a sort of Pompidou Centre/Lloyds of London look he was going for? Sometimes it really is better to be allowed to experiment and learn from your mistakes, rather than have the wind taken out of your sails by your mother - particularly if it's only a holiday club with, presumably, a tutor there to talk to. It's far from comparable to a work situation.

tinkly but we don't know if op does constantly criticises her ds. If could have been just this one time. We don't know her tone of voice or her body language.

I think this is one of those threads where posters completly over react.

There is a thread running st the moment where posters in large are saying they wouldn't mind if a stranger told their child off. MN can be a strange place sometimes

Stephen Hawkin
Richard Branson
Lawrence Olivier
Vivienne Leigh
Brian cox
Mary Beard
The Beatles
Just to add to the list of British people who are at the top!
We can't compare to other countries as our societies are different. What's the point of saying, well Chinese people pressure their kids?

Those aren't current people though, I mean - they achieved their fame years ago. Who do we have now?

Ryland what's his face? Gemma from TOWIE and her crowd, Simon Cowell, the father of them all at BGT and X-factor...

"Sorry James but it just does t suck as good as my Vax"

Ha, that's properly funny