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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how FT WOTH parents manage their evenings?

158 replies

Dontyoulovecalpol · 26/07/2016 17:21

We seemed to get on ok with this but lately it's gone to pot. I have 18m old twins in nursery all day. I get in at 5.30, DH at 7.30. Ideally I'd like them in bed by 8-8.30. They need snack bath story milk: we need supper, admin time (ie put a load of washing on: today we also need to call a tree surgeon and a damp proofer and do a holiday budget- when?!?!)

For the last few weeks I have had DS up demanding Thomas as 10pm and DD clambering on us. Both being difficult with bed time obviously. They need constant attention from the time we get in for as long as possible. Even eating dinner is hard
We're so tired we're just kind if stumbling from day to day not getting anything done!

OP posts:
puglife15 · 28/07/2016 07:07

I understand your DH wants to see them but you've got to put them first, and if they're getting overtired waiting for him that helps no one. My DS gets so hyper when DH gets home that it is massively disruptive too.

I'm on mat leave but before then got home around 6. 20 mins play, bath if we are doing it, milk, books, wee, cuddle in bed with lights off around 7.15. I then start dinner, DH home between 7 and 8 so either gets quick cuddle or just sees DS in AM.

We eat around 8-9, chill and chat, then spend an hour working, tidying, cleaning. Maybe followed by 1/2 hour TV and a cuppa.

I found it easier to do admin and phone calls when I was at work than I do now tbh. Also house much less of a tip as not messing it up all day!

Paddingtonthebear · 28/07/2016 07:21

If they are hyper in the evening then they are overtired. A 3 year old needs 11 hours sleep, according to a sleep consultant that my friend hired for their badly sleeping 3 year old. 18 month olds need even more sleep. It will be tough but a bedtime of 7pm absolute latest is probably what they need. Sleep consultant would say no TV in the evening as well. If you are home at 5.30 could you do small snack and milk, bath every other night, story/quiet play/family time and then up to bed for last story. Behaviour is generally much better when not over tired and following a consistent bed time routine. From what my friend told me, if you stick at it, no tv etc they fall into the bedtime routine fairly quickly. Apparently!

Dontyoulovecalpol · 28/07/2016 07:31

There is no way DH will agree to not seeing them. That said, the last two nights have been improved

OP posts:
Iloveowls2 · 28/07/2016 07:33

My DH normally puck DS up from nursery at 5ish I get home around 6 most nights. We immediately put on his tea (skmething small to keep him going til next morning). Play with him, bath time every 2-3days (bad eczema)read him a story in bed around 7. We went through about a year where it took between 1-2 hours to settle him but this has now passed (turning point was that rabbit book). We eat too many takeaways and the house is a mess but it will get better. Any scope to work 4 days? Prob not can't imagine the cost of twins

Pisssssedofff · 28/07/2016 07:33

That's good to hear, one day and a at a time

LocatingLocatingLocating · 28/07/2016 07:38

I manage by doing most housework first thing in the morning. Clean kitchen, empty dishwasher, washing out, lunch made etc at about 6ish. My DCs are older than yours (primary age) but we've always had a similar routine. All admin done in work -preferably in lunchtime, but often I dont have time for a lunchbreak, so calls made on way to meetings. We have a cleaner for an hour or two per week. On very hectic days (lots of after school hobbies) we both have a cooked meal at lunchtime in work canteen. DCs have school dinners.
Big projects generally just dont get done unless crucial (ie, no wardrobe painting!!,)

Dontyoulovecalpol · 28/07/2016 07:41

Yes my problem is I don't really have a lunch break- I'm just really busy at work and although I do grab a sandwich or similar it's not exactly ring round builders type time. I also leave the house at 6am (have a long commute and often I go running before work)

OP posts:
Athrawes · 28/07/2016 07:43

Home by 5:15, dinner on table by 6, fed by half six, half an hour for play. Quick shower, story, bed by 7:30. Chores like cleaning get done at weekends. Agree with those who say kids need to be in bed earlier.

MissDuke · 28/07/2016 08:08

I also think kids need to be in bed earlier, even if it means dh doesn't get to see them. It isn't fair keeping them up.

There is no doubt it is tough op Flowers I always get up an hour earlier than necessary to give me time to sort laundry, hang washing out, hoover, etc - just a wee bit each day. I use my lunchbreak for 'admin' - I refuse to work through lunch unless it is really needed, you need a break too! Do you use public transport for your commute? If so, this is a great time to sort 'admin' too. If you drive, get hands free and you can make calls on your way home.

I honestly think it will get better very soon for you op, two 18 month olds must be very tough!

Dontyoulovecalpol · 28/07/2016 08:28

No it's quite tough because we seem to have the worst of all worlds Grin I drive to work, No family nearby. I do as much as possible whilst in down times at work but i don't have the sort of job where j have set routines- I can have weeks and weeks where it's totally full on and then "things" stack up during that time.
All of your ideas are great it's just not everything fits our family. Which is why is hard I suppose lol.

OP posts:
Inshock73 · 28/07/2016 08:35

Wow I'm envious of some of your organised routines!

Donty DP and I both work full time, DP leaves home by 6am and gets home between 7-7.30pm. I leave home by 8am and get home between 5.30-6.30pm. We have a 15 month old and I'm 7 months pregnant. Our home is constant chaos!

We just cannot get our DD (15 months) in bed before 9/9.30pm at the earliest! And that's after a bath, wind down time and either being pushed around the streets in a buggy for an hour or going for a car drive. She's up again by 4.30/5am!! Some nights it's 11pm before she goes to sleep and it's still a 5am wake up. We can't remember the last time we had an evening to do anything other than spending the whole time trying to get her to bed. We literally follow her to bed because we're so exhausted. Like your LO she demands constant interaction, if she's awake she wants your attention ALL the time! Even having a wee is a challenge because if I shut her out the bathroom she's hysterical by the time I come out.

No practical advice just wanted to say totally understand where you're coming from!

Dontyoulovecalpol · 28/07/2016 08:37

Wow in shock. You're amazing! And knackered I imagine Flowers

OP posts:
Inshock73 · 28/07/2016 08:41

Donty Lets just say I recently had a blood clot scare and spent two days being monitored at hospital, there was talk of keeping me in and I found myself hoping they would and looking forward to the break :)

Starduke · 28/07/2016 09:10

Donty I had similar when DS1 was 15 months but it got better, it really did.

I'm out the house 8am-7pm. Dh does even longer hours. I would spend hours sitting in a dark room every evening trying to get DS1 to sleep.

In the end I gave up. I let him stay up whilst I ate my dinner, then we co-slept. Gradually he started sleeping better and longer (DH slept in DS1's bed so we all had more space)

For a while I managed to get him back into his own bed when the baby arrived - we put DH in DS1's room and I co-slept with the baby.

Recently I ended up co-sleeping with both my 4 year old and 2 year old for a couple of months....but they both now sleep in their room and DH and I finally sleep in the same room, though most nights I end up finishing the night with DS2...

DH and I don't talk about our sleeping arrangements with other people as they generally don't understand. However, long ago we decided that we will do whatever it takes for all of us to have better nights and we are much much happier for it. Our DSes are happier knowing we are there for them and sleep better and longer though still wake up before 6am every day

Dontyoulovecalpol · 28/07/2016 09:52

I don't speak about our sleeping arrangements either. DH is always telling his mum (she is always asking tbf) and it drives me potty because she then comes up with the same suggestion over and over- leave them to cry. They're twins, it doesn't work. i don't suspect it works that often with 1 anyway. One or both end up in our bed frequently too, mainly because we have to get sleep to function so I hear ya

OP posts:
MissDallas · 28/07/2016 10:02

I think it is very sad to hear so many families not eating dinner as a family. This is our schedule:

5.30 am: Up, breakfast, dressed
7.15 am: Leave for nursery/school/work
6.45 pm: Arrive home, chuck kids in shower, open bottle of wine
7.15 pm: Have dinner (all of us, me, DH, DS & DD)
7.45 pm: Kids to bed, read them a story
8pm: Watch Netflix with DH, finish wine
10pm: DH and me to bed.

Pisssssedofff · 28/07/2016 10:19

Leaving them to cry doesn't work and it didn't bloody work in their day either, I remember being sat on the stairs aged 3 wife wake after I'd be put to bed and my new baby sister was screaming for what seemed like hours. In the end the only thing that stopped us leaving our room was a good hiding with a belt so don't believe any of that nonsense about CC bring the key.

Pisssssedofff · 28/07/2016 10:20

And before that's Misinterpreted no I am not suggesting anyone belts their babies.

Starduke · 28/07/2016 10:25

I don't mind not eating with my DC

I don't get home until 7 and it's too late for them because DS1 has severe reflux so needs to eat as long as possible before bed

We eat lunch together at the weekend and as they get older we'll eat together more. I prefer to get home and play with them to be honest

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/07/2016 10:26

I get nothing done in the week, after a 6am start I am tired, kids to bed, then me. its not much of a life!!!!

mine don't go to bed till 9pm .erghhhh

IAmNotAWitch · 28/07/2016 10:35

Meh I dont mind at all that we don't all eat together through the week.

DH sits down for breakfast with the boys and I sit down to dinner with them. All meals are together on weekends, works for us no need to be sad.

We bought the biggest bed we could find, it is enormous - the size of 2 King singles together. There were nights when we all slept together. If I am honest I kind of miss it now.

Do whatever it takes to sleep. If they sleep best with you then just do that. It won't be forever and maybe like me you will miss it one day Wink.

Little kids and jobs is hard. We feel it was/is worth it though.

My boys are growing up pretty awesome!

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 28/07/2016 10:41

Twins here as well, slightly older, but I feel your pain Wink

Usually when DH gets home, they are ready to go to bed, so he only helps me with the last nappy change and story. BUT he is the one who wakes then up in the morning and does breakfast, while I get ready, so this is his quality time with them.
For ex DH will wake up at 6:30 and get ready until 7, then he wakes me and the children up, I get ready while he is with the children, and we both leave at 7:45.

In the evening, I do 6:30 bath, then quiet play until 7:30, then off to bed.
Once the children are in bed, I tidy up, put a load of laundry in the machine and fold yesterday's load while DH gets dinner ready. Then we both relax, and don't do anything except things you can do from your phone (online shopping for ex). Chores are for the weekend, when usually one adult while look after the children while the other one does the housework, and then we switch .

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 28/07/2016 10:48

Oh and regarding what happens when the children don't want to sleep, if they cry we go from time to time to give water, a cuddle, explain it is nighttime etc.
If they are awake but not crying (DS does that at the moment, until 9:30-10 sometimes!! he just chats happily), we go less often, like every 45min to tell him we know he has trouble falling asleep, say we are proud that he is not crying, cuddle, tell him he can think about x y z and it might help him fall asleep.

inlovewithhubby · 28/07/2016 10:56

Completely agree that your kids sound desperately overtired. We are also a low screen household and I just don't get the modern practice of sticking kids in front of nighttime cbeebies, it's awful!! There have been numerous research projects now which show that blue light from screens (TV, iPad, phones etc) are bad for sleep mode and yet still we stick them in front of it and then expect them to sleep. Plus TV shows are far more stimulating than a book where you have a static picture and a gentle parental tone. When mine were little I got home at 6 so nanny could go home to her children, and I dedicated an hour 100 per cent to the children, bath time and chats, milk, stories and bed. Luckily they were already fed, same as at nursery. Partner was rarely home to see them before they were asleep but their need for sleep was prioritised over his need to see them - he caught up with quality time on days he was around and at weekends. Only after they were in bed did we get into chores, dinner etc and it's a double benefit - the kids get your undivided attention, which is just what they need after a day in childcare, but also the routine goes much more smoothly because they aren't vying for your attention among your own demands for washing, dinner, etc. It also means you get your jobs done quicker once they are safely in bed.

To put things in perspective, my 6 year old still needs 12 hours sleep. Plus catch ups on weekends after a busy week at school and activities, plus extra sleep when she's growing or fighting off a cold. People will argue children are different but most kids need LOADS of sleep, especially at 18 months - mine were doing about 14-15 hours sleep a day with naps at that age. I have lots of friends whose kids go to bed at 9 and up at 6 and are plainly knackered - badly behaved, inattentive, yawning, stroppy, eating badly as a result which makes things cyclical as then they don't sleep if they haven't eaten properly. We are in an epidemic of sleep deprived children because of modern practices of parents working long hours, wanting to see their kids, wanting to co sleep, wanting to be liberal with bedtime and routines, and in amongst all that the poor children's basic needs get lost because parents don't or can't fathom that their children are just exhausted.

I would recommend you trial an hour after work dedicated just to them and a new bedtime routine. 100 per cent attention and getting them into bed by 7. It will take a week or two for them to to adjust but they will benefit in the long run. They are tiny and nursery/childcare is bloody exhausting at that age. They need more sleep and 100 per cent attention. You'll have your evenings back to sort out chores, food, admin etc and you'll have happier, more rested, more cooperative kids.

GhostBustersFavouriteMum · 28/07/2016 11:05

Agree with PP's that 8.30 is too late at this age. When our littlies were that wee they were in bed asleep by 7pm.