To ask how FT WOTH parents manage their evenings?

[Dontyoulovecalpol]

We seemed to get on ok with this but lately it's gone to pot. I have 18m old twins in nursery all day. I get in at 5.30, DH at 7.30. Ideally I'd like them in bed by 8-8.30. They need snack bath story milk: we need supper, admin time (ie put a load of washing on: today we also need to call a tree surgeon and a damp proofer and do a holiday budget- when?!?!)

For the last few weeks I have had DS up demanding Thomas as 10pm and DD clambering on us. Both being difficult with bed time obviously. They need constant attention from the time we get in for as long as possible. Even eating dinner is hard
We're so tired we're just kind if stumbling from day to day not getting anything done!

When I worked FT and ds was in nursery I got home about 6 with him. I got him ready for bed. Then collected dh from station at around 7. DH then took him to bed and read him a story or two or three, while I made dinner for us (ds had eaten at nursery). DS was in bed for about 8 and we ate dinner. If ds messed around in bed while we were eating we left him to it until afterwards.

Admin didn't really happen except at work and chores happened at weekends or on days off. Do you really need to paint wardrobes?

I'm not painting wardrobes, that was another poster. But you know, things like that do come up. I need to trim my hedges (not a euphemism!) and that carries over day after day weekend after weekend

Oops sorry posted too soon!

So I think plan of action is bedtime at 8.30 (DH v upset at not getting to see them so that's a compromise to give him 45 mins or so) and dinner after that. I think just the stress of trying to eat whilst they're up is a waste of time

Can you not start bedtime earlier and DH come up when he gets home to take over?

I pick DS (13m) up from childcare (family member) and home at 6 - he will have already had his tea and is ready for bed. We get home, we play for 30 mins, then either watch his bedtime story on TV or read a book. Then bottle and bed at 7. Means I don't get much time with him but I'm not keeping him up any longer. He sleeps through the night and bed time is (and will be) non negotiable if we are home. It has always been 7pm.
We have tea after that and I do the lunches/washing/washing up/cat litter after tea. I do have Mondays & Tuesdays off where I make my calls/banking/ other housework and take DS to see his friends/to the park/soft play ect

Hang onto the thought that it's not like that forever. It really does get easier!

Don't bother with a bath , just wipe with a flannel
Don't paint wardrobes!!!
Get a cleaner! ( if can't afford every week , get fortnightly,/monthly)
We eat when they are asleep .....unless interrupted by curtain calls ( more milk, blah blah)
I have 4 year old and still haven't got pre pregnancy admin done, bushes have wildly over grown, damp rising to the loft, no life insurance or properly screwed in fire alarms ( I know.... I know!...)
And I haven't lost baby weight but it is at least on my jobs to to list....
Xxx

Carrot van not sure what you mean by starting bedtime earlier? He still
Only gets in 45mins before bedtime and wants to see them during that time for a cuddle/ story etc . So not sure how starting earlier will help?
They will already be bathed and have had their milk and probably a story. Then when he's had some time with them they'll go straight up to bed

Can you try showering them instead of baths? We do that when pressed for time.

It does get easier - my DS1 never let me eat my dinner without him on my lap/trying to feed me. He's grown out of it now thankfully.

I do all admin at work.

I've also found that coming home from work and spending 20 minutes properly interacting with the DC helps them get their mummy-fill and then they back off a bit when I need to eat.

But my evenings are crap - I eat something defrosted, then wrangle the DC to bed, then spend 30 minutes talking to DH, then go to bed myself because DS2 still wakes up several times a night and we're all up at 6am

I absolutely need to focus on them
More as soon as we get in, you're quite right. Sometimes I take them to the park which they love

Why not so bath and into pj's before daddy comes home, then have them downstairs watching calming tv and having a warm milky drink, then when daddy comes in her can spend some time with them doing stories and putting to bed whilst you start dinner? We do this when dh is going to be late back

When ds was 18 months he didn't really nap at all. If they're full of beans at bedtime maybe get them to cut the nap at nursery and see if it makes a difference.

I can understand your dh wants to see the dc when he comes home but 8.30 is a pretty late bedtime for their age, especially if someone then needs to stay with them until they fall asleep. Maybe dh sucks it up for a bit and try an earlier bedtime mon-Thurs and see if it helps.

Do they need to share a bed? Separate beds might stop faffing - they might be keeping each other awake.

Ds was in a cot until 2 that he couldn't escape from and once I'd done my bit I left him in there with a book, teddy, sippy cup of water and a low light. He was never a good sleeper (still isn't) but if he had something to do he was alright. One particularly difficult time period when dh was in hospital I used to prop up an iPad outside the cot where he couldn't touch it and pop a film on very quietly.

I don't think we cooked a midweek meal for years that took longer than 15 mins of activity. I don't cook things that require lots of ingredients or any veg that requires peeling. There are lots of things that can be bunged in the oven for 30 mins or stirred in a pan for 10 minutes that are healthy/ filling/ easy depending on your preferences.

Best of luck and have a lovely holiday!

I was a single parent through my youngest's toddler years.
Get up 30 mins earlier than usual. use this time to put a load if washing in, stack dishwasher, load slow cooker, order online, whatever.
Buy a roombah, Every day clear the floor of one room and leave the Roomba on as you go out. Put cleaner down the loos before you leave.
You'll come home each evening to a hovered floor, clean dishes and a meal.
One of you puts them to bed (alternate) while the other one uses that 30 minutes to empty washer, whoosh round bathrooms, put room back together, serve up dinner etc.
Stairgate across the doorway is a great idea. They need to learn to go down at bedtime.
Big drink of milk and silent cuddle was my secret weapon....

Sorry but your DH needs to accept that he sees less of them, until they are older and can go to bed later.

I get home at 7pm and see DD2 for 15 minutes because she needs to be in bed by 7.15.

Then I see DD1 for 25 minutes because she needs to be in bed by 7.40

It's actually a wee bit selfish to keep them up beyond when they are tired because you want to see more of them.

What time do they wake in the morning? Does DH see them then? Or could he flex his hours so he comes home at say 6.45 some days and sees them and then at 8.30 other days and doesn't see them?

So to answer the question our evenings look like this:

I arrive home 7pm. Cuddle, milk, teeth with DD2 (age 16 months) in cot by 7.15. I don't stay with her, if she yells she yells, as I have to deal with DD1. (Unless she's ill in which case DD1 has to wait).

7.15 go up to DD1 (3.9), cuddle, teeth, story, lights out by 7.40. I don't stay with her either.

7.40-8.30 do admin, chores, start dinner

8.30 DH comes home. Eat dinner, watch TV, he washes up, go to bed.

Admin calls happen in work time (lunch hour or whenever I get time/privacy).

8/8.30 is too late for 18mth olds. They need to be in bed asleep by 7 really. Then that at least would give you time to get jobs done and some relaxing later with DH. My DH also works late and it was a struggle for him to see the kids regularly at bedtime.

Why is 8/830 considered too late though? What is special about 7pm that makes it the ideal bedtime?

I'm Irish and certainly at home we are mostly less rigid about bedtimes. My DD (2.3) goes to bed at 8/830 and sleeps generally until 730. On holidays/weekends she often stays up until 9/930 and sleeps until 830/9. She gets the same about of sleep as a toddler who goes to bed at 7 and gets up at 6.

You're right Rinceoir 8.30 could be ok for an 18 month who sleeps till 7.30 and has a 1hr nap in the day. OP's twins sleep 2 hrs in the day so could even be fine with 8.30-6.30 at night. As long as they are not overtired - if they are then 8.30 is likely to become 9.30 or 10 as they are hyper by then.

Depends how much she wants a child free evening really.

I'm not British and mine certainly don't need to be in bed by 7. Yes sure, this would give me more child-free time in the evening, but I work like OP - I already have my days child-free, wouldn't even see them if I got home and put them straight to bed.

Putting children to bed early (and feeding them early) is a very British thing. We have lots of friends from other countries and they are really bemused by the idea. For them, children stay up and have a proper evening meal with the family and go to bed 8.30/9 even as toddlers - they think it's weird to pack them off. It is also customary to have a long nap in the day though, often until age 7 or so, so horses for courses.
I'm as English as they come though and mine eat late and go to bed late. Evil working mother wanting to see them in the evening! They seem just fine though ... honestly!

It's something I've really noticed here (both on mumsnet and at baby groups). It seems to just be accepted that bedtime is 7pm and I've always wondered why! I also have no desire to have a child free evening, although would obviously put DD to bed earlier if she was tired.

I have 31/2 year old twins and the good news is it does get a bit easier. I think if you both work you just have to be realistic about what gets done. If they have been at nursery all day they are going to want to spend time with you (and will need time to wind down before sleeping - I think Sarah ockwell-smith has written about this) so I don't necessarily feel 8ish is too late - ours always went about that time. They did nap until three years old but really needed to otherwise they just fell asleep in car on way home. We both worked compressed hours and did a four day week which gave us an extra weekday at home (ok with twins didn't get much done but could do washing etc). Lower housework standards or get a cleaner. We used to get home on work days about 6.45 do a very quick tea for them (things on toast etc) then stories, milk, bed - hopefully asleep by 8. 30ish then our tea etc. No bath on nursery days as no time - we used to give them one about three days a week. We couldn't leave them to go to sleep alone as they shared a room and would wind each other up so it was frustrating when you just wanted a bit of time and they wouldn't go. Hang in there!

Thanks all. Good News is the last 2 nights have been calmer with just with getting them to bed before we eat. I have also made an effort to concentrate 100% on them and not rush about, and wind down more. It does help, but a lot of it is about attitude. When you start feeling overwhelmed it just snowballs

We used to 'split' shifts and basically didn't see each other Monday to Friday.

I would leave for work super all early and DH would get kids up and out door.

I pick everyone up and get home. Cook tea, eat with kiddos (snack for them meal for me) put some aside to DH. Get kids ready for bed and throw load of washing on. Go to bed when kids did at 730ish (so I could be up for my early start).

DH would get in late, eat dinner, tidy house and put washing in dryer and put next load on which I would throw in dryer on my way out door.

Did this for years while kids little. Eased up a but now they are getting older.

And above all we protected our weekends. Still did stuff with people but really prioritized being together.