'Wedding party' - but pay your own way

[Smurfnoff]

My sister got married recently in a big country house hotel wedding with all the trimmings. Although I didn't have an official 'role' in the day, my mother made a big point of repeatedly telling me that I was part of the official wedding party and would be at the top table.

I was told, rather than being asked, that I'd be travelling with my parents the night before and how lovely it would all be. I didn't argue as I don't drive, so it saved me having to ask anyone else for a lift. I was quite looking forward to it until the night before when, out of the blue, my father said, 'Oh, it's £182 for the hotel - is that alright?'

I was too shocked to speak. All this big talk of being included in the wedding party apparently did not mean being included in the cost. I hadn't budgeted for a hotel, and had I been given the option to, I would have budgeted for ONE night (I could easily have asked my aunt or one of my cousins for a lift).

I wondered had I got this badly wrong. Should I have asked outright in advance? I had wondered, but given I'd been told rather than asked when I was going and where I was staying, with no question of whether I could afford it, I could only think it was because I wasn't the one paying.

I didn't dare mention it to my mother - she had been almost more manic than the bride about the whole thing, and I was predicting tears and 'why are you making a fuss, it's your only sister's wedding!' Etc. However, I did tell my father (who I knew would be more reasonable) about 'my' mistake. He responded, 'Yes, between you and me your mom and I weren't expecting to pay for our room either'.

Now I really was stunned. I could understand them expecting a sibling to pay for themselves - although I still felt it was really badly handled - but my parents had given them tons of practical help with the wedding. Was it really too much to expect their hotel room to be paid for? (Just to be clear, sister and husband are more comfortable financially than parents).

It's not the cost that bothers me so much (although finding 200 quid at short notice was a major pain). It's the fact that my sister didn't tell any of us until it was too late, or ask if we could afford it. I feel like my options were taken away - I could have looked for a cheaper hotel nearby, stayed only one night, asked other single guests if they wanted to share etc.

Was I completely wrong to think my hotel was being paid for? And am I wrong to think my parents SHOULD have been paid for?

No guest should be made to stay somewhere, especially without the costs being made clear. Why weren't the costs in the invite? Seems like the bride wanted to keep that quiet

It isn't clear to me whether it is the bride or the op's mother who has decided where and for how long the op is staying.

YABU but as much as anyone says this, you just won't believe it. Pointless thread.

I wouldn't expect to be paid for but I would expect to be asked if I wanted to stay & be told how much it would cost.

We had a big wedding in a country house & we paid £5000 to hire the venue but included in the hire was 10(??) bedrooms. We didn't charge anyone to stay as we had to pay the hire charge whether the rooms were used or empty but it seems it's really common for brides & grooms to charge people to stay to reduce their costs.

I paid for my bridal parties rooms and both sets of parents so that included the rooms for my bridesmaids and his groomsmen and best man. None of them were expecting us to and were surprised when they realised we had. I don't think though it has to be done but I am surprised that you were booked into a room that you had no idea of the cost for. Your dsis should have checked with both you and your parents that the cost was ok and if it wasn't you should have been free to source cheaper accommodation. Big assumption on her part that you could afford it. So you are a little bit unreasonable that you expected the accommodation to be paid for but not unreasonable that they should have checked the price for it was ok with you

Yabu, I just reread your OP, and it is quite clear you expected the room to be paid for. You clearly assumed it would be, and that is why you never thought to question the arrangements or the costs. Have you never been to a wedding before?

YANBU

I think I would have asked, to make sure, but if someone else booked it without telling me the cost I might well think they were treating me. Especially when I was younger (now I am much more wary!)

If you are just a guest at someone's wedding it's different because you would book the hotel yourself and thus would know the cost. To all those saying that they wouldn't expect to be paid for, well, I wouldn't expect someone to book on my behalf either, as a normal guest.

As to whether your parents should have been paid for - well not traditionally, but if their room is booked and the cost not mentioned, again the assumption might be that it was being paid for, especially if the B and G and much better off.

I've been to a wedding where the accomm was all paid for all guests, and other weddings where they wanted you to book rooms in the venue - but never where a venue room was booked but then I was expected to pay without any choice in the matter! Weird!

Although come to think of it I went to a 50th do abroad where everyone (12 of us) assumed the host was paying for the self catering villa (he is loaded although tight) but then afterwards we were all presented with a bill of £270 each which included covering 4 empty bedrooms for those who had dropped out, plus a share of the cost of one of his sons who was a student and couldn't afford his own room! The cost was a lot but it was more the cheek of it. He definitely should have mentioned it before flights were booked rather than after we had all got home at the end, having given him generous birthday gifts etc.

Moral is always check!

I'm with you
until I joined MN I would have thought a family wedding party would mean family accommodation came out of whatever pot the wedding was coming out of. Especially as you were told you were going with your folks and it was for two nights, I'd fall off my perch to be presented with a bill.

if you're paying you should have been given the option to go along just for the wedding.

I don't expect a friends to pay but if my sister got married and this happened, I'd be fuming (it wouldn't happen because there's no way my parents would not talk to us in advance before saying "we are going for two nights").

I can't believe what I'm reading! Why on earth would the OP assume her room was being paid for?

I agree with the poster who commented, earlier on, that she sounds like a spoilt younger sibling who's used to everything being done/paid for by someone else .....

The whole point is that I WAS told how I'd be getting there and how long and where I'd be staying.

At which point you should have asked how much and if you didn't want to pay it, you could have said no.

Communication is the key but honestly if God forbid I did the whole palava again I'd keep it small and pay for everything so people could just rock up, get pissed and have fun or else run off somewhere. It shouldn't cost people to watch me tie the knot

I know I keep saying it, but why didn't the OP ask. Whoever was getting married I would never assume.

So if for instance, my DSis was getting married and she told me I was booked into the hotel where the wedding was, I would be saying "did you get a group deal, how much is that going to be etc etc"

I just don't understand why you wouldn't establish what's happening in advance.

YABU. I have never been to a wedding with paid for hotel rooms.

I was my SIL's bridesmaid and paid for my hotel room myself.

I was bridesmaid at my brothers wedding and he organised my room. When it was mentioned my first question was 'how much a night?'

It never entered my head it would be paid for even if I wasn't the one organising it.

Well, traditionally the brides parents pay for everything - though that is rather old fashioned now. Usually the bride and groom negotiate a good price for rooms in the reception hotel and circulate a list of local B&B or other budget accommodation for those who prefer it.

it shouldn't cost people to watch me tie the knot

Ha ha, if only ..... !!

We've been to two weddings this summer, both involved travel and overnight accommodation. We accepted both invitations, and thereby accepted the associated costs, but we could have had a modest holiday abroad with the total cost.

Your sister would have been exceedingly generous to pay for two nights? Why wouldn't you offer to pay something if that was the case? "Hi Smirfnoff, I want you to come to to my wedding and stay 2 nights at the hotel on me!" "No, sister, at least let me make a contribution?"

Here's how I would have imagined it going.

Mum: So here's the plan. She's not having bridesmaids. You're on the top table. We're staying in X Hotel for two nights. You can drive up with your Dad and I the day before.

Me: Ok, sounds sensible. How much will I owe for the room?

Cos I'm an adult, innit.

At our wedding the reception venue was not far from my families home so they didn't stay at the hotel. My husbands family had to travel so we advised them of the room rate at the hotel but we also looked for budget accommodation in the area if they preferred and also cost of taxis etc

we are going to two weddings next year two days apart at the same venue. The hotel is 5 mins from a family member so the night before we are staying with family, the night of the first wedding at the hotel and the rest of the stay with family.

The wedding we are staying the night at is at special request of the bride but I would never expect them to pay but we have had a discounted room

I'm sorry but this your fault. When you were requested to stay the night you assumed that the B&G would pay. This is not the norm and your assumption turned out to be incorrect.

I think it's always best to to assume you will be paying for things like that yourself and be pleasantly surprised if this turns out to be incorrect.

If paying for the hotel was going to be significant to you then it was your responsibility to clarify who was paying for it before agreeing to their request.

YABU

Why would the bride and groom pay for her parent's hotel room? As if paying for the wedding wasn't enough!

When I got married both sets of parents, and siblings etc stayed and we never paid for their hotel rooms.

We paid for lunch and dinner and drinks for the whole of the wedding day, I think that was enough!

OP: AIBU?

92 posters: YABU
1 poster: YAB not totally U

OP: Thank you, 1 poster, that's what I thought.

Oh, I wondered when 'entitled' would be thrown in.

One. More. Time. I do NOT think I should have been paid for. I was annoyed that the implication seemed to be that it HAD all been paid for. If I'm some terrible selfish person for thinking this, my parents must be too, because they had made the same mistake.

These really are the sorts of things that get discussed way in advance. Adults don't wait until a day or so before to think about travel and accommodation arrangements, especially when they're expecting a lift.

You knowingly let others make arrangements for you, so you have no grounds to complain that you didn't know what was happening and didn't like what was sorted for you.

Lesson learned. Sort your own stuff out, for a time that suits you, at a cost you're happy with.