'Wedding party' - but pay your own way

[Smurfnoff]

My sister got married recently in a big country house hotel wedding with all the trimmings. Although I didn't have an official 'role' in the day, my mother made a big point of repeatedly telling me that I was part of the official wedding party and would be at the top table.

I was told, rather than being asked, that I'd be travelling with my parents the night before and how lovely it would all be. I didn't argue as I don't drive, so it saved me having to ask anyone else for a lift. I was quite looking forward to it until the night before when, out of the blue, my father said, 'Oh, it's £182 for the hotel - is that alright?'

I was too shocked to speak. All this big talk of being included in the wedding party apparently did not mean being included in the cost. I hadn't budgeted for a hotel, and had I been given the option to, I would have budgeted for ONE night (I could easily have asked my aunt or one of my cousins for a lift).

I wondered had I got this badly wrong. Should I have asked outright in advance? I had wondered, but given I'd been told rather than asked when I was going and where I was staying, with no question of whether I could afford it, I could only think it was because I wasn't the one paying.

I didn't dare mention it to my mother - she had been almost more manic than the bride about the whole thing, and I was predicting tears and 'why are you making a fuss, it's your only sister's wedding!' Etc. However, I did tell my father (who I knew would be more reasonable) about 'my' mistake. He responded, 'Yes, between you and me your mom and I weren't expecting to pay for our room either'.

Now I really was stunned. I could understand them expecting a sibling to pay for themselves - although I still felt it was really badly handled - but my parents had given them tons of practical help with the wedding. Was it really too much to expect their hotel room to be paid for? (Just to be clear, sister and husband are more comfortable financially than parents).

It's not the cost that bothers me so much (although finding 200 quid at short notice was a major pain). It's the fact that my sister didn't tell any of us until it was too late, or ask if we could afford it. I feel like my options were taken away - I could have looked for a cheaper hotel nearby, stayed only one night, asked other single guests if they wanted to share etc.

Was I completely wrong to think my hotel was being paid for? And am I wrong to think my parents SHOULD have been paid for?

Thank you Midnight Aura. My original position was exactly the same as yours - I never expected to be paid for, but felt my parents should have been. I would have been perfectly happy to pay, but when I'm the one paying, I'm the one choosing where I stay and for how long.

Violet Bam - I would have thought the significance of the role was obvious. I would expect a best man or bridesmaid to have their room paid for - otherwise they're being asked to take a role in the wedding and to pay for the privilege. General guests are being invited to attend and have the option to say 'no' if an overnight stay and/or travel made it difficult.

It's unfair to spring this on you without giving you choice or warning. Fair enough that rooms at that hotel cost £182 but as you said if you had been given all the info you could have found someone to share the cost with. But you were at fault too go not asking.

Last wedding I was invited to which involved a hotel stay my partner was best man, bride and groom paid for our hotel room for 1 night, as they did for their parents and siblings.
We have another wedding in 2 weeks in a country house, they have hired the whole place (not as fancy as it sounds) we have been allocated a bedroom, no money will change hands.
So it is not so unusual in my experience for the B&G to cover accommodation costs for close family, but does sound like my circle is not the norm from posts so far.
Certainly not on to have not discussed with you and checked costs were OK before hand though.

Agree with almost everyone else - I would never have expected for accommodation to be paid for, but it would have been polite to let people know costs in advance. When we got married we had an information sheet for people travelling from a distance with links to both the hotel where we were having the reception and other closer alternatives, including things like Travelodges, University accommodation and B&Bs.

Luna that is exactly what I would expect too. Yes maybe paying for parents but for sisters, brothers and all ... surely not.

Help with links to cheap through to expensive accommodation, taxi numbers, even arrange a minibus to drop people off at their accommodation in the nearest town, yes. But to pay for accommodation for all extended family... no.

So presumably this "large" wedding will have been years in the organising, and never in that entire time have you thought about how you would be getting there, asking how many nights you would be staying and who would be paying? Mmmmm I suggest that you talk to your family (inc sister) a bit more!!!!!

I would expect a best man or bridesmaid to have their room paid for - otherwise they're being asked to take a role in the wedding and to pay for the privilege. General guests are being invited to attend and have the option to say 'no' if an overnight stay and/or travel made it difficult.

Bridesmaids are also perfectly entitled to say no if they don't want to pay for the room or travel. As the old MN saying goes, it is an invitation, not a summons...

As for expecting your parents room to be paid for, the etiquette/tradition would be for your parents to be paying for the wedding and associated costs, not the other way around. As someone said upthread, it is a communication issue rather than a wedding etiquette issue.

Hm can I ask how old you are and if you are perhaps the younger sibling? You sound a little bit like my younger brother who always expects Someone Else to do the paying and the organising for him.

I would never expect Someone Else to pay for my accommodation. If it seemed like it had been taken care of, I would be finding out who the Someone Else was, so that I could thank them for their generous gift.

If you are over 18 and living away from home, I think it was your responsibility to find out how much your accommodation was going to cost and who was paying for it, rather than just standing back and assuming that Someone Else would pick up the bill.

At our wedding I wanted my bms to stay the night before, so we paid for that night. Then they paid for their own wedding night. We knew our best man was broke so we paid for his wedding night stay (Dh stayed at home the night before so best man obviously did too). So they all got one night paid which was fair.

Our parents paid for their own rooms. They could afford it, weren't expecting us to pay and wouldnt have felt comfortable if we had.

Everyone's situation is different, there's no right or wrong, this is definitely a communication issue rather than etiquette issue as pp said.

I was stunned and shocked when I went to a wedding abroad of a friend and they HAD paid for my room.

It's the exception not the norm.

I had to go away for several days for best friends wedding, I was in the wedding party - I paid for it all and I wouldn't have expected not to.

We paid for best man and bridesmaid's rooms. Didn't pay for parents as my parents were going home (got married where I grew up) and DH's parents insisted they would go home (actually they ended up staying with my parents following both of them having a drink - which was entirely predictable). My parents paid for my sister and her family to stay in the hotel.

If you have a role in the wedding and are required to be there at set times - then I think having your room paid for is fine. If rooms are available in the hotel and you're not paying I think that should be made clear - to most people £182 is not something they will spend without having to budget for it.

Sorry missed the bit about your Dad not expecting to pay for his either but clearly "practical help" didn't have any monetary value either (am I'm not sure it should have)

Assuming the grooms parents are both going and together and there's at least one sibling on the groom's side then that is a grand in hotel rooms without best man , bridesmaids etc . Unless the B&G are very wealthy it's a pretty hefty extra and shouldn't be assumed really. Like I said all about communication really though.

I think the problem comes when the wedding party is expected to do certain things and you have to pay for it.

At DP's brother's wedding, it was strongly hinted that we should be staying at their hotel so DP and the kids could perform their duties (I was surplus to requirements except when performing childcare and being a taxi service whilst they had DP 'ushering', but that's a whole other conversation).

Noses were put out of joint a little when we said that we wouldn't be staying at the hotel, couldn't make the wedding breakfast (we live abroad, DP had just started a new job so had no holiday, and we were shooting in on the plane, staying at the airport, and shooting back out), and that I was only leaving 4 hours to do the 2 hour journey from airport to venue (I compromised and left 5 hours after frantic emails from MIL and bride... but we stopped for breakfast on the way instead of having it before leaving)

Murphy, did you even read the original post? The whole point is that I WAS told how I'd be getting there and how long and where I'd be staying. What I wasn't told was that I'd be paying to fit in with what suited someone else or how much!

I really feel some people here are being deliberately obtuse. I've never once said I should have been paid for. What I said was that, when a big thing was made of my being 'part of the wedding party' and I was told, not asked, what my travel arrangements were, I should have been asked whether that would work, not told 'this is what you owe'.

Sorry but YABU. I would never have assumed I wasn't paying no matter how it was put to me.

Posters aren't being obtuse. They are disagreeing with you.

What I said was that, when a big thing was made of my being 'part of the wedding party'
Yeah, but by your MOTHER, not by the bride
And by your own admission, your mother had got completely carried away by the whole thing. Your sister, knowing you don't drive and that you would have to cadge a lift, has presumably said 'and you can come with mum and dad the night before' at some point, and you've somehow twisted all this into you having some special place in the bridal party and needing to be paid for.
YOU are being very obtuse with presuming that some people helping you get to the wedding translates into them needing to pick up the bill for you as well...

I would assume the wedding package was on the understanding that x amount of rooms were booked at x amount to get the deal. Congratulations - u have paid towards your sisters wedding!!

The very first thing I would've done is asked how much it would be because I would expect to pay. I would do that with any wedding and wouldn't assume just because they'd booked you in, that they would be paying.

Why didn't you ask at the start? I assume you didn't because you thought if you kept quiet you would be paid for

Okay. But if you weren't expecting the room to be paid for, why didn't you take the initiative and ask how much it would be?

Was this one of the the guests must stay to pay for the rooms as they are part of the wedding exclusive package, so they didn't want to mention costs until it was too late to get anywhere cheaper?

Cross-post!

I wouldn't expect the room
Paid for. But then again I would never in a million years pay £180 for a room. I would book a travelodge or travel there & back. If Presented with a fair accomplish I would say no.

Then again my parents who are far far more wealthy than me would always offer to pay my costs.

I'm surprised you thought the bride and groom would budget to pay for your hotel. I genuinely haven't heard of that before.

You sound very entitled op, you should have asked how much the room would be not expected a freebie.

No guest should be made to stay somewhere, especially without the costs being made clear. Why weren't the costs in the invite? Seems like the bride wanted to keep that quiet. You should have asked at the point you received the invite.