'Wedding party' - but pay your own way

[Smurfnoff]

My sister got married recently in a big country house hotel wedding with all the trimmings. Although I didn't have an official 'role' in the day, my mother made a big point of repeatedly telling me that I was part of the official wedding party and would be at the top table.

I was told, rather than being asked, that I'd be travelling with my parents the night before and how lovely it would all be. I didn't argue as I don't drive, so it saved me having to ask anyone else for a lift. I was quite looking forward to it until the night before when, out of the blue, my father said, 'Oh, it's £182 for the hotel - is that alright?'

I was too shocked to speak. All this big talk of being included in the wedding party apparently did not mean being included in the cost. I hadn't budgeted for a hotel, and had I been given the option to, I would have budgeted for ONE night (I could easily have asked my aunt or one of my cousins for a lift).

I wondered had I got this badly wrong. Should I have asked outright in advance? I had wondered, but given I'd been told rather than asked when I was going and where I was staying, with no question of whether I could afford it, I could only think it was because I wasn't the one paying.

I didn't dare mention it to my mother - she had been almost more manic than the bride about the whole thing, and I was predicting tears and 'why are you making a fuss, it's your only sister's wedding!' Etc. However, I did tell my father (who I knew would be more reasonable) about 'my' mistake. He responded, 'Yes, between you and me your mom and I weren't expecting to pay for our room either'.

Now I really was stunned. I could understand them expecting a sibling to pay for themselves - although I still felt it was really badly handled - but my parents had given them tons of practical help with the wedding. Was it really too much to expect their hotel room to be paid for? (Just to be clear, sister and husband are more comfortable financially than parents).

It's not the cost that bothers me so much (although finding 200 quid at short notice was a major pain). It's the fact that my sister didn't tell any of us until it was too late, or ask if we could afford it. I feel like my options were taken away - I could have looked for a cheaper hotel nearby, stayed only one night, asked other single guests if they wanted to share etc.

Was I completely wrong to think my hotel was being paid for? And am I wrong to think my parents SHOULD have been paid for?

[MyMurphy]

Talk to each other in future!

[davos]

Op if there is a misunderstanding, then you are at least partly to blame.

It probably hasn't even entered the bride and grooms heads that they would be expected to pay. Hence the lack of clarification.

[Petal02]

OP - please re-read the last paragraph of your original post. You clearly think your room SHOULD have been paid for.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

Why didn't you ask , when told you were staying at the hotel, how much it would cost? Did you seriously expect your accommodation to be paid for?
I haven't been to a wedding for years, yet even I know accommodation may be offered but is never free. Have you not read mumsnet?

[Smurfnoff]

Shatners - how many times? I didn't wait to ask until days before!!! The goalposts got changed, for my parents too, days before!

[Sooverthis]

Hmm that was nasty OP no need to call Petal names. I can't see where you've answered how old you are? I'm thinking old enough to know better young enough to feel entitled

[ShatnersBassoon]

So what were your plans up until that point?

[Roussette]

Smurnoff that is just rude. I think Petal has hit on the truth by the sounds of it!

I would never ever assume someone is paying for something out the ordinary. Even if it is likely it is paid for, I would ask about it, thank them for being so generous, offer to pay etc. To just assume is not on. You talk of "implication". Why did you just not check or is it like I said on a pp, you hoped that by keeping quiet, it would get paid for.

[MrsJoeyMaynard]

Definitely sounds like a communication problem. I agree, it's always best to assume you're paying for your own accommodation, and ask things like "how much will I have to pay for the room?" if asked whether you want a room in the hotel where the wedding is.

Having said that, when DH and I got married, we did pay for the rooms for the wedding party. But we explicitly told them this, I think we said something along the lines of "if you want a room in wedding hotel, we'll book you a room, and we'll pay for your room, let us know by x date or you'll have to sort your own accommodation out". Equally, if we hadn't been prepared to pay for them, we'd have said something like "we can book you a room in wedding hotel and it will cost you £x", so that everyone knew where they stood.

[paxillin]

Petal is right, though, you said: Was I completely wrong to think my hotel was being paid for? in your OP. No need to be so nasty to her/him.

[PaperdollCartoon]

No I wouldn't expect to a room to be paid for. Even at best friends wedding where I was maid of honour I paid for my own room, I would never have expected it to be paid for.
At DPs sisters wedding last year DP was usher, his parents kindly paid for our room for two nights, but that was them not part of the wedding costs and was sorted months in advance. They also paid for their own room (and grandparents as well I think?!)

If I was invited to a wedding that involved staying anywhere for any number of nights I would be asking where and how much as soon as the invites went out. I think your problem here is you did just assume and didn't ask when the hotel was mooted. I don't think you're selfish or entitled as others have felt the need to jump in with, but I do think you were a bit silly to assume anything would be paid for no obvious reason?

[Mummyme1987]

I think your sister should have been clearer about accommodation costs, choices, and how many nights were expected, all should be in the invite. But you should have discussed all of the above long before the wedding. But who books a room for someone else without discussing it with that person? I'm still of the opinion that the rooms were part of the package and she had to sell them back to family to cut costs.

[DeathStare]

If I'm some terrible selfish person for thinking this, my parents must be too, because they had made the same mistake

I don't think anyone is saying you are a terrible or selfish person. You made an assumption -an assumption that was not the norm - and as it turned out your assumption was wrong. We've all done that. We've all made wrong assumptions and it doesn't make anyone terrible or selfish.

However having made a wrong assumption you are then being unreasonable to not say "Silly me. My mistake" and to instead be cross with someone else for your wrong assumption.

And if your parents did the same thing then they are also being unreasonable.

[BaronessEllaSaturday]

The goalposts got changed, for my parents too, days before!

For the goalposts to have changed they must have been informed that your sister was paying or was it a case again that your parents or rather your dad because it was him you spoke to made assumptions. You still haven't stated though who actually made the decision over the bookings whether it was your sister or mum. I suspect your mum got carried away with spending your sisters money.

[trafalgargal]

I don't think Petal is a bitch ...and your reply further confirmed her original thought.

Quite why you are banging on about this weeks after the wedding is a bit odd too.... it's done ...over ....grow up and move on rather than keep this as your primary thought about your sisters big day.

[Smurfnoff]

Paxillin - that's a different thing to thinking it SHOULD have been paid for, which is Petal suggested I was saying.

[Smurfnoff]

Trafalgar - Isn't 'banging on' about things pretty much the entire concept of Mumsnet?

[Smurfnoff]

Ella - Not sure what you mean by 'still haven't stated' who booked the room. It makes it sound like I'm ignoring a question I don't actually recall being asked. In any case, given that I stated she also hadn't realised who was paying, I think it was pretty obvious she didn't book it.

[sparechange]

As I said earlier, if you want to get all 'what is normal in this situation' about, your parents shouldn't be waiting for your sister to pay for their room
Your parents should have been paying towards the wedding!

You sound like a family of takers, you especially...

[paxillin]

You assumed something that isn't usually free in the real world was going to be free for you. It was a silly mistake, that's all. We've all done it. I do a face palm in this sort of situation, hope nobody saw my mistake and possibly tell my friends after a third pint of ale many months later. But in a "can you believe how daft I was" way.

[Smurfnoff]

Spare change - What a truly vile thing to say. Slag me off on the basis of a Mumsnet thread if you must, but you know NOTHING about my parents. They were gutted that they couldn't pay towards the wedding. Years of financial problems made this impossible. My brother-in-law, on the other hand, is a Financial Director on £75k a year. He and my sister wanted a big wedding and so chose to pay for it, rather than having a small wedding they didn't want and letting my parents get into debt in the process.

I hope you feel really good about yourself.

[Smurfnoff]

Paxillin - I see your point, but disagree that this 'isn't free in the real world'. I've been to one other wedding as an adult that involved an overnight stay. I was one of many guests and not part of the main wedding party. I therefore booked and paid for my own hotel and thought this perfectly reasonable. Had my sister said 'this is the cost of the room if you want one' then fine. But I'm shocked to hear how many people think bridesmaids, best men etc should pay for themselves.

[sparechange]

I think you need to calm. right. down.

And I think we've now got to the crux of your (and your parents) issue. You think your brother in law has got plenty of money and splashed on the big wedding while not sparing a thought for your poor parents.
So jealousy and bitterness is being projected as them being stingy

[paxillin]

Well, in almost all of the weddings I have ever been involved in, bridesmaids and best man did pay their own hotel rooms. Sometimes their suits or dresses are paid for, sometimes not.