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Original poster

'Wedding party' - but pay your own way

356 replies

Smurfnoff · 26/07/2016 10:29

My sister got married recently in a big country house hotel wedding with all the trimmings. Although I didn't have an official 'role' in the day, my mother made a big point of repeatedly telling me that I was part of the official wedding party and would be at the top table.

I was told, rather than being asked, that I'd be travelling with my parents the night before and how lovely it would all be. I didn't argue as I don't drive, so it saved me having to ask anyone else for a lift. I was quite looking forward to it until the night before when, out of the blue, my father said, 'Oh, it's £182 for the hotel - is that alright?'

I was too shocked to speak. All this big talk of being included in the wedding party apparently did not mean being included in the cost. I hadn't budgeted for a hotel, and had I been given the option to, I would have budgeted for ONE night (I could easily have asked my aunt or one of my cousins for a lift).

I wondered had I got this badly wrong. Should I have asked outright in advance? I had wondered, but given I'd been told rather than asked when I was going and where I was staying, with no question of whether I could afford it, I could only think it was because I wasn't the one paying.

I didn't dare mention it to my mother - she had been almost more manic than the bride about the whole thing, and I was predicting tears and 'why are you making a fuss, it's your only sister's wedding!' Etc. However, I did tell my father (who I knew would be more reasonable) about 'my' mistake. He responded, 'Yes, between you and me your mom and I weren't expecting to pay for our room either'.

Now I really was stunned. I could understand them expecting a sibling to pay for themselves - although I still felt it was really badly handled - but my parents had given them tons of practical help with the wedding. Was it really too much to expect their hotel room to be paid for? (Just to be clear, sister and husband are more comfortable financially than parents).

It's not the cost that bothers me so much (although finding 200 quid at short notice was a major pain). It's the fact that my sister didn't tell any of us until it was too late, or ask if we could afford it. I feel like my options were taken away - I could have looked for a cheaper hotel nearby, stayed only one night, asked other single guests if they wanted to share etc.

Was I completely wrong to think my hotel was being paid for? And am I wrong to think my parents SHOULD have been paid for?

OP posts:
sparechange · 26/07/2016 14:27

Also, YOU WERE NOT PART OF THE WEDDING PARTY. You said so in your OP. Your overexcited mother self-appointed you to it. Your sister did not. So even by your weird assumptions that bridesmaids et al get rooms paid for, you wouldn't be in on the deal as a common-or-garden guest.

You seem to think that being asked to be part of the wedding is some grand inconvenience that you should be compensated for. It isn't. If that's how you view your family, I'm not hugely surprised that your sister didn't want you in her official wedding party.

MammouthTask · 26/07/2016 14:29

Well as both the OP AND her parents thought it was paid by the B&G, I would go witht he idea that B&G didn't communicate well at all and let them all think they would be paying.
Maybe an unusual organisation but then why not too, esp if you know it will be expensive and your paremnts might not be able to pay for it?

Besides, if you do book a hotel room, I would expect the B&G doing so for the guests to let the guests know about the cost. Surely, either it was on the invite for the other guest or it was a 'you can book a room at xxx' and then you do so you learn about the cost for the night.
I'm Confused as to why the B&G didn't do that with the parents and the OP if the idea was for them to pay all along.

NerrSnerr · 26/07/2016 14:30

The normal thing to do would be ask, and if you didn't go with your parents get there yourself beg a lift off someone else. In my experience it isn't the usual thing to pay for best man and bridesmaids rooms.

What most people would do is when someone says 'we've sorted you a room for the Friday night too' you'd reply and say 'how much is that?' Or 'I have already sorted my wedding travel and accommodation but thanks for thinking of me' not just going along with it thinking some other poor bugger is paying!!

MammouthTask · 26/07/2016 14:35

spare I didn't read like this at all.
I read it as the mother being very 'involved' and making sure that the OP knew she was on the top table. Even if it had been because her dmother had put some pressure on the bride, this has no relationship at all with the way the B&G communicated with the OP (surely the B&G shoud have talked to her about the whole organisation themselves too if there was any risk of misunderstanding).

When we got married (and in the same way when my cousins got married) the organisation was very flexible and a lot of the information came through different family members. So I got the invite for my cousins through my parents, I knew about the organisation of xx through my gran etc... It works very well and certainly doesn't mean that one has forced themsleves onto their family member's wedding where they weren't actually invitted.
You do need to be very clear in your communication though, which in this case, the B&G weren't (as the OP's parents had understood they weren't paying either)

MammouthTask · 26/07/2016 14:37

I have to say, I'm really wondering what the B&G have actually said both the op and to her parents for them all to be misunderstanding.
That's the crux of thinsg isn't it?

myownprivateidaho · 26/07/2016 14:39

Well people are getting the idea that you felt you were entitled to be paid for from the title of this theead, which implies that you felt that as a member of the wedding party you shouldn't have had to pay your own way. I'm afraid that that view is just not realistic. While it may well be that some couples pay for the entire wedding party's travel and accommodation, this is definitely not so much the norm that you can assume it.

Ultimately, if you're not bothered about having been expected to pay for yourself, what's the problem? You got a free ride there and you had to pay for an expensive hotel room. Presumably if you had done things your own way you would have had to pay to get there and for a cheaper hotel room -- would the difference really have been that much?

Can't you just be happy that you got to be part of a joyous family occasion without worrying that you were out of pocket?

Petal02 · 26/07/2016 14:54

OP - I've.no idea why you decided to call me a bitch, when my only trespass was asking you to re-read the final paragraph of your own post?

Smurfnoff · 26/07/2016 14:57

This reply has been deleted

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sparechange · 26/07/2016 14:59

It wasn't an expensive hotel room though. It was £90 a night, which is quite a reasonable hotel room really...
It's not like OP has been forced into the Four Seasons

A few things aren't clear though... When did the Dad find out about paying for the hotel? "the night before when, out of the blue, my father said, 'Oh, it's £182 for the hotel - is that alright?'" - had he found this out on checking in, or known for weeks/months and not told OP?
The mother going on and on about OP being in the official party - was that in a 'don't worry dear, you might not be a bridesmaid, but you are still part of the official party because you're her sister' way in order to stop a shitfit about not being a bridesmaid? Or because the sister actually wanted it communicated?

There is clearly a lot of bitterness and resentment about the new BIL having money, and a chip on the shoulders of parents and OP that they've been left 'out of pocket' by someone earning a lot more money than them. OP appears to have put a price on the 'practical help' given, rather than seeing it as something normal parents would do for free as part of normal family life.
And OP says she has only been to 1 other wedding, so possibly doesn't have a very clear idea on what is normal for weddings?

Prive120 · 26/07/2016 15:02

Traditionally it would be the father of the brides responsibility to pay for the bridal party if not the day, but in this day and age that has gone out of the window.
Just wining and dining the guests can run in to thousands of £'s so they wouldn't then pick up the hotel accommodation too. Sorry to say your hotel and travel would be at your expense.

TheNaze73 · 26/07/2016 15:04

In think this is all down to a massive communication breakdown, nothing else. Can see both sides of the story here & had a bit of sympathy with OP, until she called Petal names.

antiqueroadhoe · 26/07/2016 15:09

It's annoying. But don't let £200 ruin your relationship.

April241 · 26/07/2016 15:09

Ive read your original post and no matter how many times you say you didn't expect the room to be paid for it certainly comes across that way. I've never heard of a bride and groom paying for their guests rooms, best man and bridesmaids included.

This is a really strange post, if it were me attending a wedding - sister or anyone else - and I knew I was staying in a hotel my very first question would be "cool how much do I owe you?" That way everyone knows where they stand, I don't understand these families who don't communicate. Weird! I'd never expect anyone to pay for me, even moreso when I wasn't included in the wedding party.

Udderz · 26/07/2016 15:10

You were all wrong to assume you'd have a free hotel room. You all should have asked about payment. It's normal for your sister to assume you were paying your way.

Udderz · 26/07/2016 15:12

I've never heard of the bride and groom paying for other peoples hotel rooms.

Udderz · 26/07/2016 15:13

why didn't you ask? you were the one sleeping in the hotel room

Udderz · 26/07/2016 15:15

if you'd asked, you could have made other arrangements. you need to take responsibility for your failure to make enquiries.

Original poster
Smurfnoff · 26/07/2016 15:20

Idaho - I'd only expected it to be paid for because as far as I, and my parents, thought that's what was meant by the wedding party rather than just general guests. I'm genuinely surprised to hear people expect bridesmaids etc to pay for themselves. (In fact, I know my sister paid for family rooms for two cousins, as their daughters were bridesmaids - so even in this case there were some rooms paid for).

I also genuinely don't understand why people are saying things like 'be glad you got a free ride there'. It's not like a limo was laid on! I don't drive, my parents do, so we all went together. It's normal. I travelled from London to Birmingham so that we could do that.

OP posts:
MammouthTask · 26/07/2016 15:22

Actually we did 'pay' for my family's rooms at my wedding.

Lorelei76 · 26/07/2016 15:27

OP I'm one of the posters who understands your surprise
But just a note, I see you've said you're amazed people don't pay for bridesmaids etc, well quite often they are paying for their own dresses.

I think weddings have gone badly wrong, ive been at one where even soft drinks weren't free and the bride spent £2k on her shoes.

So when you go to weddings in future, keep in mind you will maybe encounter very long days with very little food and not even a free orange juice to pep you up, never mind a Prosecco.

I don't know how old you are but I really wish someone had told me this before wedding time began in my world.

Original poster
Smurfnoff · 26/07/2016 15:30

Spare change - You've dreamt this idea of my being bitter towards my brother-in-law. I only mentioned he is well-off because you made the incredibly rude assumption that my parents were a pair of scroungers out for what they could get, when actually they would have loved to help if they could. They couldn't, so the bride and groom funded it themselves. And yes, given the circumstances I think it might have been a nice gesture to get my parents a hotel room.

OP posts:
Magstermay · 26/07/2016 15:31

I'm a bit confused about how 'the goalposts changed'. Had your dsis said she'd pay then changed her mind or did you all assume then realised last minute that you'd assumed wrong?

I admit it's odd that they paid for cousins but not you, although I don't think it's unreasonable for you to pay for accommodation at your own sisters wedding. Likewise if your parents hadn't contributed financially otherwise (and I appreciate the reasons for this) I don't think it's unreasonable for them to pay either.

SuperFlyHigh · 26/07/2016 15:33

I wouldn't expect it to be paid for but would have expected more of a heads up re costs/accommodation etc. Clarity in effect.

At my brother's wedding in Somerset (I'm from London) I stayed at my SIL's DP's house (they offered).

At brother's SIL's brother's wedding I went down with my parents and we stayed in a B&B just outside Bath, this was all paid for by my stepdad though and he just paid for it... I think my mum even mentioned he was paying, I shared a room with my mum (stepdad snores badly) no question of me paying or wanting me to offer.

TheCrumpettyTree · 26/07/2016 15:34

I think there's been too much assuming and implications rather than actually just talking. From both sides.

davos · 26/07/2016 15:37

I'd only expected it to be paid for because as far as I, and my parents, thought that's what was meant by the wedding party rather than just general guests

Op you aren't understanding. It's not the norm or even considered a 'must' for brides and grooms to pay for the wedding party rooms. Certainly not for two nights. Some people do pay it, some people don't.

Besides which, you weren't part of the wedding party. Your mum said you was, it's not her wedding and she hasn't paid. So the fact that she said you were, means nothing.

Your parents assumed their room would be paid for, on the basis of them thinking the bride and groom would pay. But not on anything factual at all. You then assumed it was paid for, because your parents assumed it. I can only guess they implied to you that it was covered.

But I can't for the life of me understand why this was an assumption any of you made. You seem to have made up a rule that the bride and groom pay for family rooms and therefore your sister must stick to this made up rule.