'Wedding party' - but pay your own way

[Smurfnoff]

My sister got married recently in a big country house hotel wedding with all the trimmings. Although I didn't have an official 'role' in the day, my mother made a big point of repeatedly telling me that I was part of the official wedding party and would be at the top table.

I was told, rather than being asked, that I'd be travelling with my parents the night before and how lovely it would all be. I didn't argue as I don't drive, so it saved me having to ask anyone else for a lift. I was quite looking forward to it until the night before when, out of the blue, my father said, 'Oh, it's £182 for the hotel - is that alright?'

I was too shocked to speak. All this big talk of being included in the wedding party apparently did not mean being included in the cost. I hadn't budgeted for a hotel, and had I been given the option to, I would have budgeted for ONE night (I could easily have asked my aunt or one of my cousins for a lift).

I wondered had I got this badly wrong. Should I have asked outright in advance? I had wondered, but given I'd been told rather than asked when I was going and where I was staying, with no question of whether I could afford it, I could only think it was because I wasn't the one paying.

I didn't dare mention it to my mother - she had been almost more manic than the bride about the whole thing, and I was predicting tears and 'why are you making a fuss, it's your only sister's wedding!' Etc. However, I did tell my father (who I knew would be more reasonable) about 'my' mistake. He responded, 'Yes, between you and me your mom and I weren't expecting to pay for our room either'.

Now I really was stunned. I could understand them expecting a sibling to pay for themselves - although I still felt it was really badly handled - but my parents had given them tons of practical help with the wedding. Was it really too much to expect their hotel room to be paid for? (Just to be clear, sister and husband are more comfortable financially than parents).

It's not the cost that bothers me so much (although finding 200 quid at short notice was a major pain). It's the fact that my sister didn't tell any of us until it was too late, or ask if we could afford it. I feel like my options were taken away - I could have looked for a cheaper hotel nearby, stayed only one night, asked other single guests if they wanted to share etc.

Was I completely wrong to think my hotel was being paid for? And am I wrong to think my parents SHOULD have been paid for?

[LagunaBubbles]

I would never assume your room is getting paid for at a wedding, no matter how close you are, or how wealthy the bride and groom are.

[Smurfnoff]

For those asking 'Why would they pay?' or 'Why would you expect them to pay?', I didn't expect it. If I had been asked 'Do you want a hotel room for £x?' I wouldn't have been put out in any way. As I say, I didn't have a role in the ceremony, so I wouldn't have had an issue paying for a room. However, it was presented as a fait accompli and I was expected to pay at short notice. He who pays the piper calls the tune - and my 'tune' would have been to go for the wedding night only.

[VioletBam]

What has your role in the ceremony got to do with anything?

Also, do you usually blindly follow leads and not ask about things such as cost?

If I was told by my parents that they would drive me to the hotel, I would have asked the following

Do I need to book a room?

Have you booked one?

How much was it?

[Rosae]

I've had 5 weddings In my family where I've been part of the wedding party. The only times I've not paid for my own travel and hotel was when I was a child still dependant on parents. My sisters didn't pay for anything but their own bridal suites and neither did I. We paid for outfits for bridesmaids/ushers but that's all. It has never even crossed my mind that the accommodation would have been paid for....

[LyndaNotLinda]

If you're expected to pay for specific accommodation, they should tell you what the cost is, rather than present you with a bill.

[BlushRanunculus]

Had the rooms already been booked but not paid for yet?

[youshouldcancelthecheque]

We paid the first night of our parents hotel costs as a gesture but we didn't pay the full bill.

I went to my sisters wedding overseas and she didn't contribute or offer anything towards my travel costs,

[Sooverthis]

How old are you? It wouldn't be normal to be paid for after late teens maybe, I would have paid for my dc hotel rooms til they left uni.

[MidnightAura]

I don't think you are being totally unreasonable.

You should have been asked if that hotel was ok for you, not just assumed you would be ok with the cost.
I'm getting married next month- we offered to pay for our parents to stay the night but both sets of parents declined, (My In laws aren't even coming but that's another story) I must admit I wouldn't pay for my sister and her family to stay at the hotel. My sister isn't in the wedding but even if she were, she has a large family of her own- we couldn't afford it. We haven't offered to pay for anyone else. Although a guest asked me if we would pay for them so perhaps it's a thing now.

[trafalgargal]

Then when you were "told" you should have asked about the hotel costs. It might be that it wasn't realised that no one had told you the cost and it was assumed you knew .....and you were informed the night before because there were concerns that you hadn't paid already and it was felt it needed to be made clear to you the B&G weren't paying.

Your arrangements probably weren't top of the wedding planning for the wedding organisers but really should have been top of yours as an adult.

[Aprofessional]

I personally don't think YABU - In my family, the rooms are always paid for. It's how we work and it's what is expected from everyone in the family.

At my DB's wedding - I was not given a role to play either yet everyone on my SIL's side was so my DP's said they'd pay for our room (to make me and dh feel included)- as the DB and SIL had paid for rooms for her friends, brothers etc. The parents rooms were paid for by DB and SIL and they actually got the worst rooms in the venue (I felt so bad as they had paid for our's) as they picked the rooms that people went in to.

So I get where you are coming from as my family are the same. If you are told you have to book in for a couple of nights and you don't book it yourself, it should be paid for. And shame on your sister and her husband not paying for your parents room. Weddings are expensive enough without adding two nights on top (don't get me started on all these 2 night wedding things now!). We had a deal with our hotel where people got the room for a considerable discount as we were booking out pretty much every room in a relatively large hotel so not a country venue. Did they at least give gifts to the parents? We got actual gifts for all the parents as I don't do flowers and felt jewelry would be better.

[trafalgargal]

So where did you think you were staying and who was paying prior to been told the cost the day before the wedding eve ? It seems you did indeed assume.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yanbu at all, yes you should pay for the hotel, but they were rude not to tell you and assume you have that kind of money spare.

[Roussette]

Weddings are expensive enough without having to pay for rooms for extended family.

You can cancel I would imagine, and if you don't want to pay that much, look for something cheaper in the area like a Travelodge and pay for a taxi back.

That is what I recently did for a wedding and a close family member.

[trafalgargal]

This isn't a wedding etiquette thing ,it's a communication issue.

[Aeroflotgirl]

You could have booked a Travelodge or something cheaper then

[Roussette]

p.s. When I'm asked to a wedding, the very first thing I do is ask about nearby accommodation or even just go off on my own and book it. I would never ever expect anyone to pay for my room and I've been to a lot of weddings!

[Cakescakescakes]

I'm also going to go against the grain here and say that any family weddings I've been involved in the room costs have always been covered by the bride and groom or parents of the bride or groom as part of their support of the wedding. And I know that's the norm in my area. For wedding party anyway.

[Cakescakescakes]

Obviously if you are 'just' a guest then room costs are your own responsibility.

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

I probably would have checked out whether I was paying for the room right away, TBH (I've only been to one wedding, and to be fair, the bride let me know from the start). However, I think it's a bit rude expecting immediate family to cough up, without being fore-warned.

[Shizzlestix]

Having been at my cousin's wedding recently, big country house etc, we had to organise accommodation almost a year in advance due to tight numbers. You're not telling me that this was organised right before the wedding?

I would never expect to be paid for to attend a wedding, regardless of whose. YABU.

[Sooverthis]

I also think two nights are completely normal, every wedding I've been to in a hotel it's two nights as you need somewhere to get ready. You can't usually book into a room (usually after two pm) and attend a wedding on that day.

[DelphiniumBlue]

I don't think you can assume that you would be paid for, unless you are a teenager still. But if you are only slightly older than that, and you were told where and when you were staying, I can see why you might have assumed that it was all taken care of.
But who did you think would be paying? Clearly not your parents. Do you have the sort of relationship with your sister which would lead you to expect that she would pay?

[magicstar1]

Anyone I know has paid for their parents at least for their wedding.

In our case we paid for both sets of parents, bridesmaids + partners, groomsmen + partners, and some elderly neighbours and relations that we didn't want to be under financial strain.

It's unfair to spring it on you at the last minute alright.

[sparechange]

I thought this was going to be about buying your own drinks or dress.

I have never, ever heard of the bride and groom paying for anyone's hotel room. Offering the use of a spare bed in a house, maybe but never the hotel room for the night before or the night of.
Could you not have shared your sister's room with her the night before, and then only pay for one night?