'Wedding party' - but pay your own way

[Smurfnoff]

My sister got married recently in a big country house hotel wedding with all the trimmings. Although I didn't have an official 'role' in the day, my mother made a big point of repeatedly telling me that I was part of the official wedding party and would be at the top table.

I was told, rather than being asked, that I'd be travelling with my parents the night before and how lovely it would all be. I didn't argue as I don't drive, so it saved me having to ask anyone else for a lift. I was quite looking forward to it until the night before when, out of the blue, my father said, 'Oh, it's £182 for the hotel - is that alright?'

I was too shocked to speak. All this big talk of being included in the wedding party apparently did not mean being included in the cost. I hadn't budgeted for a hotel, and had I been given the option to, I would have budgeted for ONE night (I could easily have asked my aunt or one of my cousins for a lift).

I wondered had I got this badly wrong. Should I have asked outright in advance? I had wondered, but given I'd been told rather than asked when I was going and where I was staying, with no question of whether I could afford it, I could only think it was because I wasn't the one paying.

I didn't dare mention it to my mother - she had been almost more manic than the bride about the whole thing, and I was predicting tears and 'why are you making a fuss, it's your only sister's wedding!' Etc. However, I did tell my father (who I knew would be more reasonable) about 'my' mistake. He responded, 'Yes, between you and me your mom and I weren't expecting to pay for our room either'.

Now I really was stunned. I could understand them expecting a sibling to pay for themselves - although I still felt it was really badly handled - but my parents had given them tons of practical help with the wedding. Was it really too much to expect their hotel room to be paid for? (Just to be clear, sister and husband are more comfortable financially than parents).

It's not the cost that bothers me so much (although finding 200 quid at short notice was a major pain). It's the fact that my sister didn't tell any of us until it was too late, or ask if we could afford it. I feel like my options were taken away - I could have looked for a cheaper hotel nearby, stayed only one night, asked other single guests if they wanted to share etc.

Was I completely wrong to think my hotel was being paid for? And am I wrong to think my parents SHOULD have been paid for?

I can think of two overseas weddings (so substantially greater than £182 for 2 nights as flights were needed) I have been to, one where I was a bridesmaid and the other DH was best man i.e. definitely part of the wedding party. We paid the full cost of flights, car hire, hotel etc on both occasions. It would never have occurred to me that anyone else would pick up the tab for any of it. And both these weddings involved one of our siblings.

I am sure I saw somewhere in this mess of a thread that you had only been to one other wedding as an adult. I suspect that this plays a part here, lack of experience in what is or isn't normal and and an over-reliance on your mother rather than ever actually communicating with your sister direct.

I do wonder though, if this is how you react to a minor misunderstanding, what happens if something really goes wrong? The tone of your posts, it really does sound like you have issues with anger management.

We didn't pay for any accommodation for any of our bridal party - tight that we are obviously.

Our best man complained that he couldn't afford to buy us a present on top of all the costs - we paid for his suit, his daughters complete outfit and his sons outfit excl shoes as he wore his school ones. The only cost he had was his wife's outfit (if she bought a new one I wouldn't know as we don't socialise a lot so could have been a previously owned outfit - I really didn't know/mind) The room was £45 inc breakfast for all of them! We didn't even ask them/expect them to stay at that hotel although distance did probably dictate they needed to stay somewhere.

They also used the children's outfits for a photoshoot prior to the wedding which irritated us somewhat.

I have never had a room paid for me - bridal party or not, at my sisters wedding didn't even cross my mind to consider she would pay for me.

Noodle: If you're getting married some distance from your home town, I do think it's polite/normal to pay for hotel rooms for your wedding party.

Do you talk to your sister?

Koala, what do you mean by home town, though? It's pretty unlikely that a bride and groom come from the same town and if they marry from where they currently live, it might be that neither of their parents live there.

Anyone in the wedding party would be a guest if, say, a couple chose not to have bridesmaids. They wouldn't not be at the wedding. Guests are paying for their rooms, why not bridesmaids?

Koala

Really? This has never been the case with any of the weddings I have been involved with! And DP and I live a fair ol distance to a lot of our close friends! I wouldn't pay for people to attend mine - come or don't come the choice is yours! however saying that I wouldn't do a gift list so people could give a cheque of they wanted to but I wouldn't expect gifts from everyone especially if they had had to travel! I would also have guests in mind when booking the wedding to not go somewhere that would be an unreasonable price to pay.

Jacquetta, I don't understand your last paragraph. I'm not saying that random guests should have accommodation paid, just the wedding party.

To clarify: if you ask someone to be a member of your your wedding party (best man, bridesmaid), they are doing you an honour by performing a role in your wedding.

Therefore, if distance dictates that they'LL have to stay in a hotel overnight, it's polite to cover the cost.

That's my understanding, and how I've seen it done amongst my friends and family. Obviously, others differ.

Koala, my point is that a friend close enough to be a bridesmaid would be on the guest list if there were no bridesmaids, IYSWIM. In that instance, they'd be a guest paying for their room.

Hence I don't think it's automatic that their room is paid for just because they have a role in the wedding. If you wanted your photographer to stay overnight to capture the morning after, yes, you should pay for her room.

Does that make more sense?

Okay. But I still don't agree with your logic.

Of course nothing is 'automatic'. But if you're asking a friend to perform a role, I think it's polite to pay their accommodation costs. Not to sort of weasel out of it by saying 'Oh, but they would have been coming anyway'.

Blimey. I've recently been to a big 2/3 day wedding hours away. I was part of the wedding party. (Can't explain as it will out me, but me and my DCs had a sort of role as did about 60 other people, different cultures etc). Me, DH and DCs stayed 2 nights. Not for one minute did it ever enter my head that 2 rooms for 2 nights would be paid for. Neither did I feel I was "doing them an honour", that sounds very precious, I was so very happy for them, me and family happily carried out our role and didn't feel we were owed anything.

Those of you that expect this, it would cost a fortune! How could people afford to spend thousands on hotel rooms, when they've got all the other wedding guff to pay for? I've never known it and it would be something I'm sure that would be told to me because it would be so unusual. I would always expect to pay unless specifically told otherwise.

Koala at the point we got married we didn't have a home town - me and DH had just (3 months previously) moved to the same place due to house sales etc. Where we lived wasn't so ewhere special/important to us. Our families live about 6 hours apart from each other so we went for somewhere central where the majority of people could get to (including us) within an hour. It wasn't a remote random location.

The hotel rooms were £19 a night for a double £45 for a family room including breakfast. Hardly Ritz prices.

I have never had rooms paid for me as part of the wedding.

Oh and about 10% of our guests would have to have not travelled if we had it in our location as we live quite a distance from most if our close family and friends. Inc the best man.

I am going to go against the grain here and say YANBU to expect your sister to pay for the rooms if she told you that you were staying without checking the price or if you could afford it and she went ahead and booked a room for you and your parents without first checking if you wanted, needed or could afford to stay there. Similarly maybe you should have checked with her about the financial arrangements when she first told you she booked it and made a decision there and then. It is a bit high handed to book a room for someone without asking the question if the room was wanted in the first place. Same applies to your parents if they were not expecting to pay and had not been asked what they wanted to do re accommodation the night of the wedding and before the wedding.

When our daughter got married there was a wedding package and a special room rate for any wedding guests and all those details were on the invitation. The wedding package included use of a holiday cottage at the wedding venue which was suitable for bride(our daughter), bridesmaids including our other daughter and my husband and I for the night before the wedding. That was included in the price and we did not pay for it although to be fair we paid around 1/3 of the cost of the wedding. On consultation with our daughter and SIL we decided to book the cottage for the night of the wedding for me and OH and my other daughter and we paid for that at the special discounted wedding rate. All this was discussed at the time of booking and we were fine with that. We only live 5 minutes from the venue so we could have gone home but wanted to stay on site with all other out of town guests and our daughter and SIL who were in the honeymoon suite. I thought that was what most families do. If you expect someone to pay for something you at least have a conversation first not just book something and present a bill as a fete accompli.

I think both sides were wrong to make assumptions.

The night before our wedding we had a dinner in the hotel for some people from the main wedding party (mainly parents and siblings). We made clear that drinks and dinner would be paid for by us, but that we couldn't pay for the rooms. If people didn't want the expense of the extra night then we told them that we fully understood. It helped that we were able to take over the whole hotel for two nights and get a really good rate for everyone.

Personally, as a guest and close family member, I would have asked what I was expected to pay for and made decisions accordingly.

sonlypuppyfat we are having bells :)

mirandawest excellent, nothing worse than walking in and out of a silent church, bells make it a celebration. I hope it all goes well for you

Koala

I wouldn't see it as weaselling out, though! The majority of posters think it's not "the norm" to pay for the wedding party. I was responding to any thought that it was "costing" wedding party members to "do you a favour"

My sister got married abroad. None of the family could afford to go, so none went. So far as I know, no-one asked her or the wealthy fiancé's family if they would cover the cost. We - and she - just accepted that we couldn't afford it and so wouldn't be there.

When her daughter got married, again abroad, some of the family could afford it, and went, and some couldn't, and didn't. I don't think any of us felt put upon, or disadvantaged. It's just life.

OP, a good lesson is hidden in this thread. You had something approaching 100% YABU when walking around insulting people. When MNHQ kindly deleted your rude tantrums for you, you began to see some people agreeing with you. The majority still said YABU, but some didn't. It generally works in your favour to be a bit polite.

Or maybe they just agreed with me.

It wasn't you I was agreeing with, Smurfnoff, it was the circumstances, ie. that the weddings I've been to necessitating a hotel room have been paid for by the bride and groom.

Other people who've experienced the same will have said the same, regardless of your rudeness or the point at which they posted in the thread.

I don't know what you're usually like to post alongside but on this thread it's been very difficult. Your posts have been obnoxious.

So have the people said posts were aimed at.

RoseGoldHippie yes I was at my sister's wedding where I did not have to pay for anything....not a penny! And yes i would pay for all my guests who need to stay in a hotel as I have invited them and not everyone can afford it.

Nialopes - fair enough, I have just booked a hotel for a good friends wedding and for us and my parents the rooms for 2 nights will cost about 1.5K (it is a lovely hotel and will be our main 'trip' next year) if they paid for everyone, the cost would have been at least double the cost of their wedding. If people can afford that more power too them but I certainly couldn't!
We have been given over a years notice so I am happy to pay that to see them get married!

Weddings: how often are they worth the drama? Discuss.