Play scheme worker forced DS into her car

[Longlost10]

My 8 yo DS is in a holiday playscheme, there are two workers there I know. I employ the first one to drive DS home for me at the end of the day. The second one is her boss.

Two days ago, the first one was called away by a family emergency, and unable to drive DS home. The second one made him get into her car against his will, and she drove him home.

I rang her up that night, very very angry. I have taught DS never to get into anyone's car without my express permission, even if he knows them. He was very distressed, and said he had tried to resist and argue, but she had irresistibly over ruled him and forced him in.

When I spoke to the second worker on Friday, she got very offended, and said she thought she was doing a favour for a friend. I am however going to make a formal complaint. She probably was a friend, of sorts, we have been using that play scheme for years,and got to know each other well.

Even so, AIBU to think she should have rung me, and given me the option of leaving work early as a one off emergency, or giving DS permission to get in her car

Koala - if my kids are playing round a friend's house, I'd tell them what will happen, eg. 'Jimmy's mum or dad will drive you home'. If Jimmy's mum was called away and mum's friend or neighbour offered to drive him home and my child objected, I'd expect a phonecall. Actually I'd expect a phonecall anyway.

As for having a lift from a teacher - if it was for a planned school trip and known about, of course it would be fine. If my child was supposed to be walking home and their teacher pulled up and offered a lift, they should 100% check with me before getting in the car.

You've said that you would've left work early to pick up your son if someone had called you earlier. But what if she had called from the car, or office, with ds standing right next to her?
Would you have still said no?

Another working mum who can't be bothered to parent her own children but wants to moan and complain about the poor people she pays peanuts to do it. How about you or your husband look after your own damn kids

Well this wins the prize for the most helpful response of the thread.

I always wonder how people think you are meant to feed and house your kids (and yourself) if you don't work.

Pearlman: it's a bit of a conundrum really. I guess as they get older you could say X's mum OR dad is fine, playground worker 1 OR 2 is fine, etc. Eg cover all those who your DC might regularly have reason to be with who you trust, including those they don't see as often e.g. X's dad.

But I never want my DCs to accept on face value that a neighbour they hardly know or the man from the sweet shop is OK just on their say-so, even though they know their faces. If it was a minor accident situation then probably parent could get a message to DC even via someone else e.g. auntie or good family friend. If it was a serious accident situation then the police would/could be involved to take care of the children until an alternative carer had been found.

Fairuza "As for having a lift from a teacher - if it was for a planned school trip and known about, of course it would be fine. If my child was supposed to be walking home and their teacher pulled up and offered a lift, they should 100% check with me before getting in the car." I'm with you on that one. That's what I was brought up with and I did know the difference between the two situations.

She should have called in good time to confirm the arrangements.

Look, I am sorry but I'm baffled by the arguments here. When you are caring for children in an organised setting such as a nursery, school, playscheme, you cannot just do as you wish / what is easiest. You just can't. I get that being around a pack of excited children all day is all consuming and exhausting, but even if you had made the mistake of not calling earlier, at the first hesitation from the boy you don't trap him with your arms and yell until he complies, you call the parent '
look, so sorry, should have called before, but ...'

It's basic stuff. And it's so basic that it's worrying they are not doing it.

Fairuza it is difficult or a grey area. My dc rarely spend days at the cm any more but when they did she used to drive them around. However one day she drove them 40 miles + to the beach. I'd have been a bit surprised of she'd done that sort of journey with them without my prior knowledge. If I drop the dc at a friends I expect they might at some point decide to go somewhere in the car, with mu or dad driving. If the friends parents sent them off with friends of theirs , or with their nanny or their neighbour (even if I knew this person ) I'd be a bit annoyed.
I leave the dc at their grandparents. If their son, the dcs uncle was about and wanted to take them somewhere, I wouldn't expect anyone to ask me, even though the children only see him every now and again.
I think most adults have a sense of what is and what isn't appropriate and it's a bit strange that in this case she chose to act as she did. Obviously in a true emergency all sense of appropriate goes out of the window, although I'd still do the best I could.

But it's not up to the 2nd worker to call! As far as she's concerned the new arrangements would have been discussed between the 1st worker and the parent. She was probably surprised at the child's resistance.
If my child was picked up regularly by parent A and they couldn't do it so asked parent B if they could I would expect a call from parent A asking if this was ok. I wouldn't expect parent B to call me with the new arrangement.

OP All through this thread I've been worried about whether your son, already upset by having broken your rule by being in the car, was aware of you getting angrier and angrier when you can home.
NOMB, I know, but I do hope he wasn't.

came home

I'm sure you wouldn't Pearlman but according to the OP, the playscheme worker did, and the thread is about the playscheme worker, not you, so ... :)

Ultimately, children should know that it is always ok to say no to getting in a car or going somewhere with an adult without telling their parents. Even if as adults we would make a judgement that it is ok, children can't always make those judgements and still need to check with their parent.

I would always prefer that my children refused and made a fuss and checked with me if they weren't sure about something than just did something against their instincts to be obedient.

A sensible adult, especially one who works with children and has presumably had safeguarding training, should always respect this. This would totally make me lose faith in the playworker's judgement.

I have been in the situation of finding a lost child at a big playpark, and the child being a bit reluctant to come with me to the park office. What a reasonable person does is work round it, say 'fine, I'll sit by you and we'll ask another lady to go to the office and make an announcement'. Not force the child to come with you because you know it's perfectly safe and the quickest and easiest thing to do.

I do think the playscheme could have handled the situation better, however I think it is time for the OP to have a new "safety" chat with her DS now he is getting older.

It is clear that the very black and white messages he has learned as a little child do not equip him to deal with more complex situations as he gets older. The "bus is OK"/"car is not OK" message, for example, hasn't really equipped him with the skills to understand why situations may be risky or how to minimise risk. Perhaps a more detailed conversation about how he can tell if a situation is worrying and how to take steps to protect himself is now necessary.

How can he rationalise a situation in which one minute a play leader is a trusted individual who is caring for him, but then becomes a threat so serious that he panics about being in a car with her? He has been taught that the car is the problem, but it isn't really. Being invited to "help" get something from the stationery cupboard could be just as risky...

This is a good leaflet www.kidscape.org.uk/media/77908/keepthemsafe-websitepdf.pdf

I have read the thread and these are my thoughts.

Op your days was possibly unsure about getting in the car with the play scheme manager. You said she didn't physically touch him, so only have your ds word that she raised her voice.

Your ds probably advised the manager that the childminder leaves him home alone. So she thought this was ok. (I honestly would not leave an 8 year old for 5-10 mins under any circumstances, builders or not).

When you came home you were clearly angry. His panic at your response was to say he was forced in the car against his wishes.

I do agree that you should of been contacted and I would be angry about that. But you have given professionals looking after your child mixed messages. You have previously allowed them to drop him home and leave him alone. I would not only be ending the contract with the play scheme I would be looking for a new childminder. You also need to review your working hrs do you can be home for your child.

Days = Ds

I'm not making assumptions :) OP has explained exactly what happened as recounted by her DS and the playscheme worker hasn't denied it, so I believe her. Don't you?

I always wonder how people think you are meant to feed and house your kids (and yourself) if you don't work

Duh. Marry a rich husband People shouldn't have children with a man who can't support them.

..............Now in case anyone needed clarification, that was lightfuckinghearted.

Still bemused at this thread. Normally I think MN is mad about CP stuff. It's usually 'oooh a SINGLE MAN walked past my DC school and glanced over the fence' and the responses are 'oh report him hun, better safe than sorry, leave it to the authorities to decide, there's never smoke without fire' (add bollocks CP cliches as desired......).

Surely the point is very clearly that 1) the mum didn't know where her DC was because no one bothered to ring her and 2) the playscheme worker who was in loco parentis didn't have her details handy which could have been a real problem and 3) the playscheme worker treated her DC in a manner which left him 'very distressed'?

Ffs it's hardly rocket science that this is not great practice. And the OP didn't tar and feather her or shame her on social media. She rang her up and gave her a piece of her mind. Which you can expect to happen if you upset someone's primary schooler!

well perhaps she should have left your child where he was and socail services called in, much better dont you think?????

Do you think that is how childcare usually works shazza? At the end of the day they just call social services rather than call parents? Especially with 6 hours notice

'Sufficient detail'

So then I ask myself 'would it be acceptable if she hadn't forced him in?'

Still no.

Shaz why would they call social services? The mother was contactable. That's at least one parent who would age answered the phone. We have a list of four people.