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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strip club

280 replies

MJ14 · 23/07/2016 18:33

My hubby is going on his mates stag weekend away, I know the groom plans to take the group in a strip club and I've told my DH that I'm not ok with this at all and he keeps telling me I'm being silly and he can't say no when everyone else is going.
AIBU to ask him not to? He doesn't drink much anyway so it's not unreasonable for him to leave the group to it.

OP posts:
Jghl1234 · 23/07/2016 23:20

When your with someone your with that person emotionally and physically o feel if your thinking of someone else sexually call me old fashioned but it is just so wrong just my opinion though

Overrunwithlego · 23/07/2016 23:24

wibblewobble. I disagree. Why should the woman's view of what is cheating be less important than the man's?

If (hypothetically speaking) my dh made it clear that he was not happy with me going out for a drink with a male colleague, if I entered the committed stage of our relationship knowing that he thought that, then it is up to me to make the decision as to which was most important to me. If that was something I couldn't abide by, I would have two options. Firstly to end the relationship, or secondly to tell him that I couldn't abide by that and that if he could not change his views, to end the relationship.

No matter how bonkers I thought his opinion was, if I agreed to continue the relationship and then went out drinking with a male colleague then I would be cheating on him - according to the agreed boundaries of our relationship.

There is no universally agreed definition of cheating so saying its cheating doesn't make it so is nonsensical. We all know (or should know) where the boundaries in our own personal relationships are.

Overrunwithlego · 23/07/2016 23:26

But of a cross post with U2 who is clearly in my wavelength!

Overrunwithlego · 23/07/2016 23:37

Do you as a wife accept that your dp has a different morality, or do you force him to conform

This is the bit I mean about the man's view being more important. You view the man as being forced to comply with his wife's view. Yet you don't see the man going to a strip club against his wife's wishes as her being forced to comply to his view.

If he wasn't happy to be in a marriage where strip clubs are seen as cheating, then he should not have gone ahead with the marriage. Likewise if he was honest and told his future wife he couldn't agree to that, then it's down to her to either accept strip club visits as part of the marriage, or move on.

HelenaDove · 23/07/2016 23:39

janethegirl2 Sat 23-Jul-16 23:11:55
Cheating, IMO, involves cocks in vaginas, and that's not too likely at a strip club.

Thats what Bill Clinton thought. No one swallowed it then either!

Waltermittythesequel · 23/07/2016 23:46

Apart from Monica...

HedgehogHedgehog · 23/07/2016 23:48

I sympathise with your attitude but in reality all you are going to do here is set up for your DP to lie to you. Because who on earth when they are on their mates stag do going to something he has arranged for his stag do, say 'sorry i cant join you i have to sit outside, my girlfriend wont like it'.......... I think the best thing you can do is make it very clear that the concept upsets you but in the interests of there being honesty you wont start an argument about it as you know he may have to go in there and you want to be told the truth. Make it clear how much it upsets you and hopefully hell be thinking of that whilst hes in there.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 23/07/2016 23:51

My DH got dragged to a strip club on his stag. He called me on my hen do, in the same city at the same time and asked if he could come over.

Not all men like to get gyrated on by women they don't know. Glad I'm married to one of them.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 23/07/2016 23:51

*Come over to the hen as he left the strip club.

LouBlue1507 · 23/07/2016 23:54

U2HasTheEdge

You've put it perfectly, that's how me and DP operate!

Theoretician · 23/07/2016 23:54

As a pp said, if you wouldn't be happy with your daughter getting her tits out and gyrating around leery, sexist men who think women are pieces of meat, then you shouldn't think it's okay for any woman to do it.

I don't see anything demeaning about being a stripper, I'd say that's just a job in the entertainment industry. I'd far rather DD did that many far more unpleasant and lower-paid non-sex-industry jobs I can think of.

The only people who might need to be ashamed about being in a strip club are the audience. But visiting a strip club is not the the worst thing in the world. For example, it's not as sad and weird as being a train-spotter.

HedgehogHedgehog · 23/07/2016 23:58

i love trains.... :-(

HedgehogHedgehog · 24/07/2016 00:03

do you know i think on stags its just the same as women going to see the chippendales for a laugh isnt it? its just a bit of a bawdy joke. Theyl just go in there have a bit of a snigger because theyre doing something a bit naughty but secretly theyl all feel quite alienated by it and be glad to leave and get back to their actual girlfriends. Do you know what men like more than looking at tits? Well actually what everyone likes more than looking at tits? Feeling like you are valued and loved for you as an individual. Paying someone who probably really doesnt like you, to wave their ass in your face is not all its cracked up to be. In this day and age your average joe bloggs guy on the street is not going to be having that much fun in a strip club. They will be pretending to have a lot more fun than they are to show off to each other.

HelenaDove · 24/07/2016 00:21

Theo 15 years ago i had the choice of workfare or a sex chatline office.

I had already done workfare for three months and they wanted me to do it in a different place,

The chatline office was actually offering me a wage.

Workfare wasnt and i felt more demeaned by that fact then i ever did at that office.

Talking on the phone is completely different from stripping though.

cowbag1 · 24/07/2016 00:22

Actually plenty of men do refuse to visit strip clubs on stag dos.

My DH returned from a stag do recently where the groom and best man suggested visiting one. DH was an usher, so fairly central to the wedding party but he said he wasn't up for it. So none if them went and that eass that, they carried on enjoying their night.

I despise strip cluns and I do not want our family money spent on the sex trade. DH is a grown man and can make his own decisions but knows I would be repulsed by him if he found this kind of activity enjoyable. It's his choice to make.

Subatomickitten · 24/07/2016 11:08

It's not hard to say "no thanks, not my thing pal" though is it? unless of course it is your thing. E.g Fancy another drink? No mate, I'm done for the night or "Fancy going to the lappers mate?" "No pal, not my thing see you later" see? Fucking simple. Just say no kids Wink and if you can't muster the courage because your "mates" will rip the piss then I feel sorry for the fuckers who lack the agency to think for themselves and make their own decisions rather than bowing to peer pressure, what are these guys, 15 years old? Sounds like the OPs husband wants to go and is using the piss taking mates as an excuse. Balls to that, i like my men with at least 2 working brain cells and who don't support the sex trade but that's just me Smile

VestalVirgin · 24/07/2016 11:25

Well, you cannot make him stay away from strip clubs.

You can, however, make him stay away from you.

I couldn't be married to a man who supports the "sex" trade.

(I also wonder what kind of friend would plan to go to a strip club. When I was at a friend's "hen do" (silly name, that) some girl from the groom's circle of friends suggested to see some male strippers. This was not met with much enthusiasm, as my friends and me just aren't the sort of person who would do this kind of thing.)

The only people who might need to be ashamed about being in a strip club are the audience. But visiting a strip club is not the the worst thing in the world. For example, it's not as sad and weird as being a train-spotter.

I would rather be married to a train-spotter than to a man who goes to strip clubs.
And I am a person who finds train-spotters very, very weird and cannot understand at all how watching trains could be fun. Train-spotters are weird, but they are not morally and ethically reprehensible.

HedgehogHedgehog · 24/07/2016 12:09

subatomickitten: i read it as they are going away somewhere for the stag and this is a pre arranged thing the stag wants to do. So yes it could be quite awkward to get out of because if they are staying overnight somewhere or in a different city or its planned for early on in the night, it will create a bit of a scene if he opts out of it because where is he going to go?
Honestly can he not just go in there and stand there with a drink whilst the stag gets his dance or whatever then just carry on with the night?
Ive been to a couple of strip clubs when i was younger on peoples birthdays etc... i honestly didnt find them that weird but they were fairly reputable ones in a 'posh' city. There were lots of women in the audience, it was a mixture of groups on nights out and couples with the odd lone weirdo guy. I didnt get a private dance or anything but i chatted to some of the dancers about their dancing and they were really nice. All seemed quite intelligent and together. I didnt really see anything that made me uncomfortable. All of the women dancing seemed sober and reasonably happy to be there.

Subatomickitten · 24/07/2016 12:22

Unless the strip club is in the middle of a field in the back end of beyond and assuming these men have phones them "il be in x pub/bar/club text me when you are ready to move on" is not hard is it? And as for a "scene" well if grown men are paddying over another grown mans choice well I find that rather pathetic tbh but each to their own. I wouldn't want our family money spent in that sort of establishment as I despise the sex industry and find it morally and socially reprehensible and that's a choice I am allowed to make, just like DH wouldn't want me taking up smoking again, burning our money and harming myself (and potentially others) in the process.

mathsmum314 · 24/07/2016 13:25

DH been to several stag do's, I think they all had strippers, its pretty normal these days, not really something that worries anyone I know in real life. Also been to a hen party with male strippers, it was quite good fun and DH wasn't bothered. Its helps keep the interest alive in a marriage when you can have a little fantasy every so often.

Its no more cheating that watching rugby players tackle each other with those strong muscular legs, tight abs and massive biceps!!! I dont know how they dont hurt each other.

Notagainmun · 24/07/2016 13:33

YANBU to ask him not to go. If he does then you need to question your relationship.

DH and I discussed what we feel is a deal breaker for us before we married. Strippers were out of the question for me. I think he would gave gone when he was younger if I had been ok with it which upset me but I had to deal with it ad he didn't sed it as being unfaithful but I do. He thinks it is seedy now he is old enough to be mist stripper father.

Although we have occasionally watched porn together and seperatly (still supports the sex industry I know and I do feel bad after) I would draw the line at live video links and any verbal communication.

It is all about how you both feel and respect each other's boundaries.

Alconleigh · 24/07/2016 13:47

I think some people are a bit naive about what goes on if you think it's watching women on a stage with no touching...... Lap dances include things like 'dancers' holding their labia apart to allow a better look, and brushing nipples across the blokes lips and into his mouth.....how anyone doesn't consider that cheating I can't quite fathom.

Ifailed · 24/07/2016 13:48

I hope you would want to prosecute anyone who watches the Chippendales or similar harshly as well
No. Whilst we live in a male-dominated society, which manifests itself in horrible pressure on girls & women to look 'sexy', and perform for men's delight, there is a difference.

MilesHuntsWig · 24/07/2016 16:19

So what are you going to do OP?

JamesTiberiusKirk · 25/07/2016 15:17

OP

A lot of opinions on this thread, and there are valid arguments on both sides, but to be honest the only thing that matters is how you feel about it. If the idea of your DH going to a strip club makes you uncomfortable then of course YANBU. It's just as valid a position as if you had no problem with it.

How a big an issue this is depends on how strongly you feel. If it's a deal breaker, and you're DH is aware of this, and goes ahead anyway, then you have a decision to make. All you can do is make him aware of how you feel, unambiguously, and then wait and see how he acts. Everything else is just noise.

Ifailed

I didn't realise that a patriarchal society shielded you from rank hypocrisy...