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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 17 and 43 is wrong?

440 replies

Beyinbonnet · 23/07/2016 10:37

So a relation has started seeing a 17 year old (16 when started) they are now engaged, living together and she's pregnant!!! AIBU to think this is wrong?! All in the space of 7 month?!

I'm sorry but this just unsettles me!! I know it's not really my business but it's really got to me! Fair enough be seeing each other but FML!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Beyinbonnet · 23/07/2016 22:59

Well Iv spoken to another family member today other than my dh and they also agree with me!! It's bloody ridiculous wants his head testing if you ask me

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/07/2016 01:29

I agree it's the fact that she's so young, not the actual age gap, that's creating the general feeling of discomfort.

An ex's mother left his father for a man as old as her own father - no one really batted an eyelid at this because she was already in her 30s when she did it.

But at 16, the situation does have that "predatory" feel about it from the older man.

SandyY2K · 24/07/2016 01:48

I find it repulsive to be honest and would be mortified if the 17 year old was my DD. Things don't have to be illegal to be distasteful. I question the mindset of the 43 year old man that really thinks this is okay.

EttaJ · 24/07/2016 02:23

sandyY2K this exactly. Regardless of legality, it's grotesque. The fact that she's pregnant already just makes me cringe even more . What is the guy like as a person OP?

GarlicStake · 24/07/2016 02:26

It doesn't matter that it's none of my business, I can still have an opinion!
It creeps me out.
It'll be nine years before she's even the age he was when she was born!
I mean, think of a 26-year-old man and a newborn girl.
Now think he's going to shag her in 17 years' time.

On the upside, if they stay together she'll be in her late 50s when hubby kicks the bucket. Assuming she's still healthy, she'll be able to do the things she didn't do in her twenties.

OK, that's not much of an upside.

figtrees · 24/07/2016 03:00

I'm a little curious now as to views my own relationship, what are your opinions on 19 and 28? If it makes any difference he is the younger and I'm female. Our age gap isn't obvious as I look young for my age and he looks older, so nobody really notices unless told.

Original poster
Beyinbonnet · 24/07/2016 03:02

His suffered depression a lot of his adult life. She has brought him out of his shell you could say. Regardless it's still wrong in my eyes!

OP posts:
Original poster
Beyinbonnet · 24/07/2016 03:05

11 years age gap is nothing.. It's the fact she's only 17!! 17 FFS!! What must he be thinking? She's just a kid! Regardless of upbringing etc it's wrong!

OP posts:
NicknameUsed · 24/07/2016 03:10

I have just asked 16 year old DD about dating a man in his 40s and she said yuck. She also thinks that the 17 year old is after the 43 year old's money.

I would be concerned that the teenager is escaping a bad home life. Also worrying is how emotionally immature the 43 year old must be to want to be involved with someone who should still be in education. If he has never had a long term relationship at 43 he doesn't sound like much of a catch.

And what do they talk about? My friends and I often reminisce about music/TV programmes/world events from our youth. They won't be able to do that will they.

Werkz · 24/07/2016 03:35

I know someone who is in his mid 40s and is actively looking to have a relationship with a "girl" (his word) in her late teens or early 20s. We have had blazing rows about it because I have known him for years and I suspect he's pursing very young women because he thinks their lack of experience and relationships will mean they won't realise how abusive he is, how odd his ideas about life are and, as such, will not challenge him.

I would also really question the character of a man in his late 40s who would have sex with a 16/17 year old, knowing they were indeed that age. In a former time, such a thing would have been perceived as an act of gross debauchery.

Original poster
Beyinbonnet · 24/07/2016 03:37

I really don't know what they have in common? I don't think she's after money cos she inherited some from a family member so they both have money.. I think the father figure thing might come into play with it all maybe apparently she's had a "bad life" I don't know how true this is etc.. It's embarrassing and morrally wrong!!

OP posts:
Newmanwannabe · 24/07/2016 04:38

In Australia we have a thing called mandatory reporting of child sexual abuse. A child being anyone under 18. Certain professions, nurses teachers police are classed as reporters. If I had been in contact with the couple I would have reported him.

OneEpisode · 24/07/2016 07:42

The number 19 and the number 28 are comparable. Stage of life is one to think about too. For example are you both working?

thisisafakename · 24/07/2016 07:56

I suspect he's pursing very young women because he thinks their lack of experience and relationships will mean they won't realise how abusive he is

Yup, this is it exactly. Most successful men (I mean successful in terms of career, education, friendship group etc) would be social outcasts if they started going out with a girl in her mid-teens. The ones that do strike up these relationships do invariably tend to be 'losers' or controlling men who want to manipulate a young girl. If you fancy younger women, fine. Why can't it be someone in her 20s with a job and a career and a bit of self-confidence? Probably because she would not be in the slightest bit interested. So instead, he will go for a child (who would either still have been at school or just left school after GCSEs). in most European countries where there is a mandatory school age of 18, he would have been dating a school-girl.

apparently she's had a "bad life"

Yeah, it doesn't sound like it's going to get much better really.

LazyCake · 24/07/2016 08:49

Absolutely agree, thisiasafakename.

EreniTheFrog · 24/07/2016 09:04

DH and I were 28 and 55, and we've often discussed what would have happened if we'd met if I were 16-18ish. And even from the standpoint of being in a very successful age-gap relationship: NO. He is too old for a teenager, even if she is of legal age.

Crazycatladyloz82 · 24/07/2016 09:55

If a 43 year old man came knocking on the door to take my 17 year old for a date he wouldn't get past the front door. It is wrong. She is still a child.

EllenDegenerate · 24/07/2016 11:41

smallthings

I have detailed the reasons why I find your perspective ridiculous/misleading.

It's hardly my fault if you can't peruse the thread and assimilate these.

EllenDegenerate · 24/07/2016 11:46

figtrees

My OH and I were 21 and 28 when we met, with me being the older one.

It's hardly worth mentioning is it? Same generation, less than a decade to separate us, both adults.

I feel the same regarding your own relationship.

OlennasWimple · 24/07/2016 11:47

It's legal but I wouldn't be ok with my daughter having a baby with someone who is literally old enough to be her father

VestalVirgin · 24/07/2016 11:53

I cannot imagine how this is legal. If you are not old enough to have a driver's license and/or drink alcohol, then how are you old enough to get married?

Also, a man of that age should know better than to get a teenage girl pregnant!

Even if we assumed that it's true love and all that, surely a decent man would have waited until she has finished her education?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 24/07/2016 12:23

I cannot imagine how this is legal. If you are not old enough to have a driver's license and/or drink alcohol, then how are you old enough to get married?

Because it is. The law in the UK sets different ages for different activities. On the whole I think they are correct. If you were to increase the age of consent to 18 it won't stop 16-17 year olds having sex but it may (will) make it more difficult for them to access contraception and sexual health advice.

This is a difficult and rare case but legislating to deal with it would do more damage generally.

Gabilan · 24/07/2016 13:33

I cannot imagine how this is legal

In some places it wouldn't be but in the UK it is, so long as the older person is not in a position of responsibility over the younger one. Some countries have age gap legislation for teenagers but the UK isn't one of them.

It isn't the age gap that bothers me. If someone who's 25 is happy with someone who's 50 that's their business. It's the young age combined with age gap that just seems off. Sure, she might be the love of his life - but then why not wait a couple of years until she's lived independently a bit?

Memoires · 24/07/2016 14:18

Werkz, I'm curious about your 'former times' when this behaviour would be considered debauched. My, meagre admittedly, knowledge of former times is that girls coming out was simply to catch a good marriage and if that meant she, at 16?, married a 70 year old Duke, that was perfect! Marrying a 40 year old, as long as he was of good family and posseassed a fortune was very good indeed.

That's in higher society, though. I'm not being aggressive towards you, I am honestly interested.

(At the turn of the 19/20th century, my gm refused to be presented, refused to marry anyone until at 23 - a great age, practically on the shelf! - she met my gf who was 43, and promptly married him, despite his lack of good family and money.)

FellOutOfBed2wice · 24/07/2016 14:23

When I was 17 I had a 30 year old boyfriend. That was gross, looking back. This is grosser. YANBU.