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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 17 and 43 is wrong?

440 replies

Beyinbonnet · 23/07/2016 10:37

So a relation has started seeing a 17 year old (16 when started) they are now engaged, living together and she's pregnant!!! AIBU to think this is wrong?! All in the space of 7 month?!

I'm sorry but this just unsettles me!! I know it's not really my business but it's really got to me! Fair enough be seeing each other but FML!!!

OP posts:
Roussette · 27/07/2016 08:30

Surely surely Llewj you would worry more in this situation if it were your DD? Soooo, her 20yr old bf from school who she's been seeing for a year, she accidentally gets pregnant and he wants to support her. A mess all round but these things work out.

Versus a 43 year old man she's recently met.

I'd be worried sick.

Lucy90 · 27/07/2016 08:35

When I was 20 I got into a relationship with a 38 year old man. My mum was beside herself, we were together for 3 years during which time he was very emotionally abusive and controlling. I didn't realise the extent until I had the courage to leave. I lost friendships due to this which will never be the same again. My view of age gap relationships has been tarnished by this experience and I just can't agree that they could work out.
I'm now with DP who is 3 years older than me and we have two gorgeous DDs, happiest I've ever been Smile

Lweji · 27/07/2016 13:00

Not detached at all. However some people are being over-dramatic over this. Massively.

A 20 year old man, or a 16 year old boy, can be just or more abusive than a 43 year old.
And the result in a female teenager getting pregnant is the same for her, accidentally or on purpose.
Both types of relationship can go completely pear shaped.
Both could work.

Anmi0802 · 28/07/2016 04:47

Lucy90 is not because your relationship didn't work that others wouldn't, I had a relationship with a man 3 years older than me and he was controlling and I had to leave him. im now with my 18 years old gap husband is just perfect, been together for 10 years and a baby now, never been more happy. Agree with Lweji

Basicbrown · 28/07/2016 07:07

Lucy you can surely see the difference between 20 and 38 getting together compared to 16 and 42....? Plus him getting her pregnant at 17? Bangs head. If the aibu had been your scenario then the thread would have completely different.

Bambambini · 28/07/2016 07:56

Nope, 38 yrvold who goes after 20 yr pld would still make me wonder.

Basicbrown · 28/07/2016 08:05

For me it's the other side of the grey. The side I'd smile and say 'I hope they will be happy' 20 year olds are completely different to 16 year olds.

Surely there has to be a point at which people can have a relationship with whoever they choose..... Not everyone will have nice 3 year gaps life isn't like that.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 28/07/2016 08:30

yanbu

if course it's about him being in control she has not lived life as an adult she has not experienced life as an adult she is not an adult

The power balance is always in the favour of an adult in situations like this. I can't call it a relationship because it's not is an illusion of a relationship that I hope she sees through soon and gets out

Why people defend this I struggle to understand what could have 43 year old man have in common with a girl of 17 apart from attraction nothing and relationships are built on more than that

He is a predator

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 28/07/2016 08:38

And I don't think anyone is suggesting that when people are closer in age and maturity (both being adults, teenagers) that there can't be abuse of course there can be

But this is what it is built on from the start he is an adult she is a child

Lweji · 28/07/2016 09:02

Saying that this man is not necessarily a predator or not beating on chest calling it disgusting is hardly the same as defending this. Defending would be saying this is great. Some people are simply not as outraged as the OP or others.
It's really not a matter of either being horrible or great.

Lweji · 28/07/2016 09:03

But this is what it is built on from the start he is an adult she is a child

And in a year she goes overnight from child to adult? Hmm

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 28/07/2016 09:12

She does in law

But for now she is not an adult and next year she may be considered an adult she is still a young adult he is not

if he is not a predator what is he a man who just happens to like girls rather than women Hmm

I shall continue to be outraged as you call it as the more we call out on men taking advantage of younger women or girls the less it will happen, the more they can be empowered the less society sees it as acceptable

Lweji · 28/07/2016 09:34

The law actually says that sexually she became an "adult" at 16.

There can be all sorts of different legal ages for different things.
Sexually, the cut off point IS 16.

The law recognises she's not really a child.

Original poster
Beyinbonnet · 28/07/2016 09:35

Well I'm not the only person in the family who doesn't agree.. Its unsettling IMO

OP posts:
EnthusiasmDisturbed · 28/07/2016 09:37

So he can legally have sex with her

Well that's all ok then Hmm

Lweji · 28/07/2016 09:40

You seem to think the law is a good benchmark for being an adult at 18.
Different countries have different benchmarks for different things. Most European countries have the same cut offs for sex.
You can't really justify your opinion with the law for some things and not others.

Yes, it's legal. Teenagers are not children. Earth shatters.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 28/07/2016 09:46

oh do keep justifying yourself

It's obvious from my posts the issue is the difference in age is about him having control because of the age difference

NicknameUsed · 28/07/2016 10:04

Regardless of what the law says, at 16 the vast majority of young people are not emotionally mature sensible adults. DD will be starting year 12 in September so I know a lot of young people in this age group.

IMO they are still children (older children, but not yet adult)

Original poster
Beyinbonnet · 28/07/2016 11:24

We have a neice who was also born the same year as his gf and there's 8 month between them.. Neice ha been in a steady relationship with her 17 yr old bf for over a year and is using contraception!! Head screwed on correctly 👌

OP posts:
Original poster
Beyinbonnet · 28/07/2016 11:25

Which also makes it more uncomfortable as they used to goto school together 🙈

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/07/2016 11:27

at 16 the vast majority of young people are not emotionally mature sensible adults

Neither are they at 18. :)
But the law decided that from 16 they are sufficiently mature to decide about their reproductive rights. They may even decide to leave home.

And from MN threads, neither are many older "adults". :)

It's obvious from my posts the issue is the difference in age is about him having control because of the age difference

So, you'd be happier with a feckless 17 year old wanting her and convincing her to have a baby instead? Really?

Lweji · 28/07/2016 11:29

Neice ha been in a steady relationship with her 17 yr old bf for over a year and is using contraception!! Head screwed on correctly

Well done for your niece. I agree she's more sensible.
And...?

You also know that contraception could fail, btw? Is she really sensible to be having sex and risking a pregnancy at that age? Is she really mature enough to be in a sexual relationship?

WannaBe · 28/07/2016 11:52

It is entirely disingenuous to suggest that a seventeen year old convincing another seventeen year old to have a baby is remotely comparable to a 43 year old convincing a 17 year old to have a baby.

The reality is that at seventeen they are both still comparatively children. They wouldn't even be allowed to order champagne at their own wedding, or vote. whereas a 43 year old has experienced 26 years of adult life which the seventeen year old has not. A 43 year old will likely have had long term relationships, may in some cases even have children the same age as the seventeen year old. Most 43 year olds know that trying for a baby after just eight months is really not a great idea, and yet if a 43 year old can get a seventeen year old to fall in love with them then they can convince them of almost anything.

Seventeen year olds may have a level of maturity, but they are not worldly wise., and are still very easily led.

The truth is that any decent 43 year old knows that a seventeen year old should be off limits. Any 43 year old who doesn't has questionable integrity.

whois · 28/07/2016 12:06

I think it is really wrong.

Yes, big age gaps can and do work out. But for me, a 17 year old with a 43 year old - there is just too much chance of an imbalance of power, and unhealthy dynamic and unhealthy desires (17 year old looking for a daddy replacement... 43 year old basically wanting a child....)

Lweji · 28/07/2016 13:58

It is entirely disingenuous to suggest that a seventeen year old convincing another seventeen year old to have a baby is remotely comparable to a 43 year old convincing a 17 year old to have a baby.

OK, from the point of view of the 16 year old pregnant female, what is the difference?

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