To think 17 and 43 is wrong?

[Beyinbonnet]

So a relation has started seeing a 17 year old (16 when started) they are now engaged, living together and she's pregnant!!! AIBU to think this is wrong?! All in the space of 7 month?!

I'm sorry but this just unsettles me!! I know it's not really my business but it's really got to me! Fair enough be seeing each other but FML!!!

The difference is that at sixteen with a sixteen year old BF she is likely to still have a peer group of friends who, while they might not be able to persuade her directly, would likely not be overjoyed for her at wanting to have a baby. And similarly he would have a group of friends who would probably be even harsher about it.

Whereas at sixteen with a 42 year old there isn't likely to be a group of friends in the equation any more. Because her life will be that much different. Not many sixteen year olds want to hang about with 42 year olds, so it's likely most of her friends will have already distanced themselves, in which case she will be isolated already.

I can just imagine my 14 yr old son in 2 or 3 yrs hooking up with a mid 40's woman and having a child -well, no i can't really. You sound ridiculous Lweji.

WannaBe

What a lot of conjecture.

The 16/17 year old is already pregnant. She was convinced by her boyfriend (whatever the age).
What do you know about her peers or who are part of her circle?
And what about peer pressure? For what? For an abortion?
How many teenage peer groups are that critical of each other having children? Realistically?

I know who sounds ridiculous.

Where did I say I think it would be that it is better that she was with a feckless 17 year old who convinced her to have a baby

But with someone her own age or of similar age the power balance is not automatically there she will have more autonomy in the relationship but no doubt you shall argue that is not necessarily the case

I find it odd how you are twisting the argument constantly you may not see it personally as an issue most do because the age difference her being so young him so much older and having lived life as an adult his experiences will be vastly different

It's not my main objection, but this man is robbing her of the opportunities and of a youth that he's already had.

That's pretty shit in itself.

"How many teenage peer groups are that critical of each other having children? Realistically? "

Seriously? Loads i'd say, unless you think most teens just want to have kids as young as they can and they see it as aspirational and normal. Would explain your weird viewpoints.

Getting pregnant at 17 is too young ( no matter who the dad is). But I think you are talking like she is an innocent girl while he is a horrible old man. She knows what she is doing, and maybe it was her idea to have a child, because women know how NOT to have a baby if they want. Let them be happy if that's what they want, what can't we just be happy for other people's happines ( if thats what they want ) and stop judging them,

Where did I say I think it would be that it is better that she was with a feckless 17 year old who convinced her to have a baby

But with someone her own age or of similar age the power balance is not automatically there she will have more autonomy in the relationship but no doubt you shall argue that is not necessarily the case

Well, you are saying, clearly, and if you imply that the whole problem is that he's older. Having a baby with a younger man would thus be fine.
How do you KNOW what the power balance in this relationship is? Why is it automatically different with an older person? Power balance depends on many things. One can be age, but it's one of many.
A younger man can easily have much more control (particularly if he manipulates the friendship group) than an older man outside that group.

If anyone is twisting it's not me.

One difference between a teenage boy and a middle aged man Lweji is that which I posted earlier. It's appalling that a man of 43 takes away the freedom and opportunities that he himself has had, from a young woman barely out of childhood, because he doesn't want to be too old when he has kids.

Utterly unforgivable.

You're assuming that he decided it.
A male teenager could also want to have children early because he found them cute. And then bugger off to enjoy his life. Also unforgivable.

A female teenager could decide to have children early so that the children are grown up and she can move on with the rest of her life.
Children are not exactly a death sentence.

But, my point is that the age difference by itself is not as bad as painted by some pps here.
I know men who died in their forties and never saw their young children grow. So wanting children now may not be so unforgivable. We can't assume the men will live forever.

Unless she was coerced. Which is for her family to evaluate. And if so, for the OP to report if she's actually concerned rather than just tutting.

Yes I do agree there is a difference between being 16 and being 20. Also agree abuse can also occur in relationships with small age gaps. I was just giving my reasons why big age gaps make me uncomfortable.

No I have not said having a baby with a younger man someone close to her age would necessarily be fine (I think it would be better if she is older before becoming a parent)

The power balance will always be with an adult who is having a relationship with a child or someone who have just very recently passed childhood why are we going to pretend it might be possible it's not

Men dying in their 40's is irrelevant or should women have children young just in case they die young

Keep arguing you point thankfully most people will disagree amd the more girls and women are empowered the less that are likely to be manipulated by predators as this man

And before Lweji points it out a 18year old could have a relationship with a 16 year old and not necessarily emotionally different in age

Yes they could as they are young adults life experiences are not necessarily that different

A differenece in generation there will be huge differences in emotional maturity and life experiences

I agree, it is all about the emotional maturity and life experiences. My god, was I naive at 17 and when I reached 40 plus, I know I had finally found myself. Men dying in their forties and wanting to procreate... fine... go off and find someone your own age to have a baby with. Don't prey on a 17 year old with all her insecurities and growing up to do.

How anyone can try and justify this and make out it's fine, I do not know. I think if it was their daughter, it would be a different story. If the age gap is 26 years and the younger person still hasn't even reached maturity, there has to be an element of predator there. I pity the poor girl here so much, she has got a lot of growing up to do in a short space of time. And probably as others have said, she will be alieanated from her own peer group... after all, does a 43 year old want to hang round with a bunch of 17 year olds, I remember well what my lot were like at that age, there's no doubt he won't have seamlessly joined into her friendship group!

OP, do you know if he has any other children?

No he has no other children, and Iv never known of him to be in a relationship with anyone let a lone a long term relationship..

I don't know the girl well what I do know she looks like a child and behaves like a 17 year old love sick puppy.. I mean what self respecting adult would sit on ya sofa kissing and holding hands with their partner in front of others??

I personally think his having a midlife crisis.. To me this whole relationship is a joke.. and I think it's sick wanting to sleep with a 17 year old..