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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 17 and 43 is wrong?

440 replies

Beyinbonnet · 23/07/2016 10:37

So a relation has started seeing a 17 year old (16 when started) they are now engaged, living together and she's pregnant!!! AIBU to think this is wrong?! All in the space of 7 month?!

I'm sorry but this just unsettles me!! I know it's not really my business but it's really got to me! Fair enough be seeing each other but FML!!!

OP posts:
OohMavis · 23/07/2016 11:08

Biologically speaking absolutely, survival of the species and all that. But we've evolved beyond the point of needing to be driven by primal reproductive urges I would say.

These days most 16 year olds are children.

Ladymuck · 23/07/2016 11:09

Actually, to all those saying it is legal, we haven't been given enough information as to the relationship. Is the 43 year old in a position of trust with respect to the teeneager eg as a teacher, social worker, doctor etc?

whirlwinds · 23/07/2016 11:10

Seeing as one of them is pregnant, the 17 year old, it would be safe to assume the 43yo being a male, hesitant calling such a man.

mrsfuzzy · 23/07/2016 11:11

not the best scenerio but.... it might work it might not, the fall out could be massive, there's probably a lot of back story to this one.

KitKat1985 · 23/07/2016 11:11

Well it's legal but I find the situation pretty grim. There's probably a bit of a power imbalance in the whole relationship and she's essentially not going to get any 'carefree' young adult years now that she is engaged and pregnant. And I really can't imagine that a 43 year old man can have much in common with a 17 year old.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 23/07/2016 11:12

It's completely disgusting. It won't work out and this child will be left to pick up the pieces. Ugh, when I think about age gaps like this I imagine the parents I know waiting a few years and preying on the kids who are currently playing in the playground with my 3 year old. It really is so gross.

JoffreyBaratheon · 23/07/2016 11:12

Legal, but creepy.

He's probably going to be really controlling or something. He has to have some kind of emotional inadequacy going on, I'd have thought...

MollyTwo · 23/07/2016 11:13

I too think it's disgusting. What decent man looks at a barely there adult and thinks this is ok. And what child thinks playing happy families and getting pregnant at that age is ok. Where are her parents in all this.

FuckJeffGoldblumMan · 23/07/2016 11:14

I find it gross as my dad is 43 and mum 42

I'm 25. I'd find it gross if it was someone my age never mind 9 years younger

lady2016 · 23/07/2016 11:15

Let me share a story
Person aged 16 started seeing a 49 yr old she was still in school she would meet him (sometimes in her school uniform ) in his car and have sex she fell pregnant he made her have an abortion . Just because she was legal doesn't make it right

Original poster
Beyinbonnet · 23/07/2016 11:15

His just a normal bloke works in a shop where they met he didn't want nowt rondo with it at first then they got together after spending some time together apparently..

I'm with the majority I mean have a relationship get to know one and other don't fucking dive in to all the rest of it!! 17 year old me would run a bloody mile from 43 year old!! Let alone want to be engaged with a baby on the way!! She's not even legal to be served alcohol 🙈🙈🙈 sad sad state of affairs and if anyone asks me what I think then I'll not be able to bite my tongue! I think it's absolutely absurd!!

OP posts:
ArmySal · 23/07/2016 11:16

I'd hate it if it was my daughter.

Ladymuck · 23/07/2016 11:16

It isn't legal if the 43 year old is her headteacher, or doctor, or in a number of positions of trust.

228agreenend · 23/07/2016 11:17

Sorry, not right. Maybe legal, but grooming comes to mind.

IHateDoors · 23/07/2016 11:17

I couldn't care less if it's legal.

What kind of 43 year old man wants to have a relationship with a girl of 17? It's awful.

Original poster
Beyinbonnet · 23/07/2016 11:17

For the record though his just a normal shop worker

OP posts:
feckthemall · 23/07/2016 11:19

It may be legal but it is morally wrong.

Wauden · 23/07/2016 11:20

A teenager who met him when she was 16 - or maybe 15? - just a bit after legal sex - and a middle aged man is wrong. Its just short of illegal, I don't care if anyone disagrees. In plain sight he is a paedo. And getting her pregnant is entrapment at 17.

LagunaBubbles · 23/07/2016 11:21

Ragwort here in Scotland you can get legally married without your parents permission - that makes you an adult in my books, not a child.

LagunaBubbles · 23/07/2016 11:22

And I'm not saying it's right btw.

OohMavis · 23/07/2016 11:23

Realistically though your opinion, or anyone else's, won't mean much. Unless there's evidence of abusive behaviour or that she hasn't entered into this relationship 'willingly' ('willing' may not mean to a 16yo the same as it would to someone older), there's nothing anyone can do.

It may work out, it may not. All you can do is be there to support her if it doesn't.

DerelictMyBalls · 23/07/2016 11:24

I don't have a problem with the age gap but 17 does seem very young to be pregnant. I hope it works out for her.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 23/07/2016 11:24

Usually I'd defend anyone in a relationship with a large age gap, not least because MrZippy is 22-ish years older than me. However, I was 20 when we met and married. I'd also been to university, lived alone and travelled a bit. I was, in all ways, an adult. This situation would make me feel really uncomfortable too.

If this was my family member I think I'd have to say nothing (damage done, baby already made) but gently encourage/help her to learn to drive. It makes all the difference if she is at least able to get away, take the baby to childcare or travel to pursue work/career. It's much easier to control a woman who doesn't have the physical ability to leave.

notamummy10 · 23/07/2016 11:25

The 17 year old can consent legally so no, there's no issue. It isn't any of your business though is it?

LagunaBubbles · 23/07/2016 11:26

It's probably not the wisest thing she will ever do at 17 but she will soon learn, if things don't work out. I don't think saying 16/17 year olds are children is helpful either, because they're not. No way would I be happy either if it was my son or daughter.