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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 17 and 43 is wrong?

440 replies

Beyinbonnet · 23/07/2016 10:37

So a relation has started seeing a 17 year old (16 when started) they are now engaged, living together and she's pregnant!!! AIBU to think this is wrong?! All in the space of 7 month?!

I'm sorry but this just unsettles me!! I know it's not really my business but it's really got to me! Fair enough be seeing each other but FML!!!

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/07/2016 14:45

An ex-IL got in a relationship like this.

It's weird, but I don't think it's wrong, as such.
Unless he is abusive, or she got pregnant and he dumped her.

With my ex-IL, they have been together some time now and AFAIK they're happy.

And by the way, the didn't GET her pregnant. Unless he raped her. She got pregnant.

CecilyP · 23/07/2016 14:58

I know what you mean, lazycake, about childhood lastng longer but can't think of a time when a 43 year old and a 17 year old would have been considered ok. An older boyfriend might have been 25/26 maybe 30 at a pinch. In areas where teenage parents are more common, a 43year old could well be a granddad!

CecilyP · 23/07/2016 15:05

The biological argument only works in terms that if he wants to procreate, a woman of his own age would not be a good bet. However someone 10 years younger would be fine, so he really doesn't need to be with someone so young.

TheNaze73 · 23/07/2016 15:13

Fair play to them, if they're happy I don't see the problem.

mumofthemonsters808 · 23/07/2016 15:15

I'm working class born and bred and agree it's quite common for a 17 year old to have a baby. It tends to follow a cycle where parents reproduce young and so do their children.Grandparents are in their forties and often Greatgrandparents are alive. It does tend to be with males of a similar age though.
I wouldn't be happy with this arrangement if it were one of mine, I can't help but feel there is a power imbalance, but what could I do about it ?.You can only advise and guide your children but at the end of the day, they tend to listen with one ear and what you've said goes out of the other and they make their own decisions.There are no guarantees in this life, I've seen doomed relationships flourish and solid ones crumble. Who knows if it will work ?

LazyCake · 23/07/2016 15:16

Do you think that, as women, we assume mal-intent when a much older man gets with a very young woman because we tend to choose our mates on the basis of their character, education and life experience? Maybe he just wants to have a girlfriend with as young a body as possible, and it's not about her being naive/easily influenced? Sadly, I think a lot of men don't care a great deal about what kind of person their partner is inside. Hope that doesn't sound dreadful bitter and cynical.

Ps. Yes, I think I agree with you, CecilyP about the other thing.

PacificDogwod · 23/07/2016 15:22

My then 17 yo cousin married a 38 yo man - they are still together 40+ years later, have one adult son.

Wouldn't be for me, if it was my daughter I'd be very worried, but it can work.

Nought you can do, BeyinBonnet, you feel what you feel about it, keep your opinions to yourself and support your relative whatever happens.

Rockmegently · 23/07/2016 15:30

I agree with mrs de vere and I don't get the "it's legal butt out" brigade. A 17-year old pregnant, whilst not the end of the world, is not ideal.

EllenDegenerate · 23/07/2016 15:30

mumofthemonsters

The societal/generational model which you are describing is commensurate with the contemporary underclass.

itfcbabe · 23/07/2016 15:35

Don't agree my husband is 43 our daughters are 17 and 15, if one of my daughters went out with someone the same age as their dad I would not be happy.

DownstairsMixUp · 23/07/2016 15:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 23/07/2016 15:38

I was just thinking, when I was 17 my boyfriend was 21 - my parents had an absolute 'shit fit' about the 4 year age gap. He wouldn't have left the house alive if he'd been 43.

Mind you, I then left home at 17, so they ceased to have any actual control over my life really, but it didn't stop them banging on about it though 😁

mumofthemonsters808 · 23/07/2016 15:39

Ellen I think I make the grade of the "underclass" then, Ive been living above my station, delusions of grandeur springs to mind.

ethelb · 23/07/2016 15:42

The ignorance on this thread is shocking. There is currently a bill going through parliament to make sexual exploitation of people under 18 illegal.

The fact she is of the age of consent has nothing to do with it.

EllenDegenerate · 23/07/2016 15:55

To be frank mumofthemonsters
I'm less concerned with your delusions than your misrepresentation of the reproductive aspirations and economic attainment of working class women .

LazyCake · 23/07/2016 16:09

There is currently a bill going through parliament to make sexual exploitation of people under 18 illegal.

Wasn't aware of that, ethelb. Good.

Lweji · 23/07/2016 16:12

The ignorance on this thread is shocking. There is currently a bill going through parliament to make sexual exploitation of people under 18 illegal.

The fact she is of the age of consent has nothing to do with it.

So, you're saying it's not illegal and she is of legal age of consent?
Come back when the bill becomes in effect.

HelenaDove · 23/07/2016 16:13

Im 43 DH is 66. We got together when he was 42 and i was almost 19 ( two months before my birthday) back in 1992.

Working class and im childfree by choice.

DH has two from his first marriage.

JohnJ80 · 23/07/2016 16:20

Why on earth would a 43 year old go out with a 17 year old - technically a child? Creepiness aside, what would they have in common. I'm 37 and there's no way I'd want a relationship with anyone under 25.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 23/07/2016 16:24

Suppose it depends on the couple themselves. I'm in my 40's and I cannot possibly imagine having a relationship with a Teenager.

Each to their own.

ZombieHunter · 23/07/2016 16:27

Met DH when I was 22, he was 46. Still together 14 years down the line with one child. Married and happy family. He has kids from previous marriage my age. We are really good friends, it never seemed weird. They are just happy that we are.

Is it 'disgusting' or 'disturbing' because of the age gap or the fact she is only 17? Genuinely would like to know if people look at us and think 'yuck'. I know they wouldn't say it in person, but feel free to use MN anonymity.

ethelb · 23/07/2016 16:32

Lweji its expected to be passed in a couple of months, so he could end up in breech of the law, if he is in fact sexually exploiting her.

You have been on other threads (particularly feminism boards) overly preoccupied with age and consent. Think you need to see a shrink about that? #innocentface

Scaredycat3000 · 23/07/2016 16:35

Zombie
The difference between 17 and 22 is massive, as has already been said on this thread already. 17 is a child still in compulsory education, 22 a young adult hopefully in full time job with much more self awareness.

CecilyP · 23/07/2016 16:50

No, I think it is more the fact that she was only 16 when they got together, so no life experience, and that she got pregnant straight away, so unlikely to be doing much of what most teenagers enjoy. We all do an awful lot of growing up between 16 and 22 whether it is in work, or higher education, or trips away with friends, or just more general experiencing life as an adult. And while it is quite a big gap while you are young, it does narrow with time - in fact, I have a few friends 20 years younger and tend to think of them as the same age!

midsomermurderess · 23/07/2016 16:54

I would wonder what it was all about but, hey ho, not my business in the end.