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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 17 and 43 is wrong?

440 replies

Beyinbonnet · 23/07/2016 10:37

So a relation has started seeing a 17 year old (16 when started) they are now engaged, living together and she's pregnant!!! AIBU to think this is wrong?! All in the space of 7 month?!

I'm sorry but this just unsettles me!! I know it's not really my business but it's really got to me! Fair enough be seeing each other but FML!!!

OP posts:
HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 26/07/2016 08:18

There's more to a relationship than having lots in common, such as having each other's best interests at heart.

On balance I think it's fair to surmise that a 43 year old man who gets a seventeen year old pregnant does not have her best interests at heart. At the very least he is feckless.

PenelopeQueef · 26/07/2016 08:30

MrsDV all I'm 'invested' in is getting people to understand that other people's relationships are nobody else's business. Seems reasonable enough to me.

Roussette · 26/07/2016 08:33

It would be my business if it was my 17yo, that's for sure!

I can't believe anyone thinks it's OK to be honest.

PenelopeQueef · 26/07/2016 08:48

Roussette and what would you do if it were? Prevent her from seeing him? She's 17, good luck with that! If it were my DD, I'd try to ascertain whether the relationship was equal, she was happy and being treated well - then back off, but always be on hand if she needed me, or to help her through any future break up. Just as I would with any relationship she was in, regardless of the age of her partner.

I'm not saying it's OK - I'm saying judging whether it's OK or not on the basis of age alone - especially as we don't know the couple in question - is ridiculous. Saying the older partner must be all kinds of abusive is ridiculous. Judging other peoples' relationships is ridiculous.

I would be concerned if my DD were pg at 17, obviously - but the age of her partner wouldn't be on my list of priorities.

Roussette · 26/07/2016 09:11

Penelope In answer to your question - Nope. Of course I wouldn't stop her from seeing him ... I've brought up 2 DCs and a DSS and I know that that's a recipe for disaster. I don't ban anything because that's just counter productive, I'm not stupid.

That is why my post said the words "I have no idea what I would do". It would be a very difficult and delicate situation. I would be there for my DD, I would be subtle about anything I did, I would do my best in my own devious way to illustrate to a daughter of mine that perhaps the age gap is a bit big (understatement), not by saying so but just encouraging friends of her own, open house having her friends here, and hopefully it would be obvious that he stuck out like a sore thumb, they had nothing in common and it would fizzle out.

I guarantee Penelope that if you had a 17 yo DD at this very moment and some 43 year old was all over her like a rash,, you would not be 100% happy with it. Any normal parent would be at worst worried sick, at best concerned.

When I was that age my best friend had a boyfriend about 20 years older than her. Even then I thought he was a bit of a sleaze and couldn't for one minute imagine what she saw in him. We are still bf's and we've talked and laughed about it. She was rebelling, she told me. She kept seeing him for a while to annoy her Mother. She knew it was a bit weird she said, and that he was very very clever in keeping the relationship going. He had a sports car, he spent money on her blah blah. Eventually she realised that he was a bit weird and it wasn't right and she finished it.

Roussette · 26/07/2016 09:15

In fact, remembering now (funnily enough we talked about this when on holiday in May), my bf's older bloke was over 40 when she was 16, so not much different to this situation. He used to pick her up from school in his sports car, she left school at 16 so she was even younger.

MrsDeVere · 26/07/2016 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrchidsAndLace · 26/07/2016 10:23

I'm not saying it's OK - I'm saying judging whether it's OK or not on the basis of age alone - especially as we don't know the couple in question - is ridiculous.

This pretty much sums up what any reasonable, open-minded person - and parent - would think. Penelope, ignore them. Arguing with the "it's just not right, it's not done" mindset is pointless :)

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 26/07/2016 10:28

My partner is 14 years older than me. I still have no problem saying that a 43 year old going out with a 17 year old is just creepy.

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 26/07/2016 10:56

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PenelopeQueef · 26/07/2016 11:19

What's really depressing about women like you is that you are so clearly defensive about your poor life choices that you would rather contribute to rape culture and defend child grooming and child abuse than admit you may not be perfect

Please do enlighten me as to my 'poor life choices' - would they be my previous abusive relationship or my stable, long and happy marriage? Why would I need to be 'defensive' about either?

How dare you suggest my views contribute to rape culture or that I defend child grooming. What a disgusting, untrue and damaging thing to say. I do not believe I'm perfect - however I do have the moral compass to not accuse strangers on an internet forum of hideous things.

I've reported your post.

PenelopeQueef · 26/07/2016 11:25

Thank you Orchid - it's good to know there are some reasonable, balanced opinions here, rather than individuals who accuse dissenting voices of 'defending child abuse' Sad

Original poster
Beyinbonnet · 26/07/2016 15:22

Well Iv since been informed that this was a planned pregnancy! And the reason was because he didn't want to leave it for him getting any older!!

That to me sounds as though his put on the young girl to have a child because HE didn't want to wait until he was older!? Well blow me down with a feather!! Iv been asked my opinion today and Iv gave it which I am entitled to.. It turns my stomach that a couple been together for 8 months with a 26 year age gap can be really be doing this.. Fair enough to everyone's opinions though.. But I honestly can't believe some people are ok with it he was 25 when she was born!! 25 he could be her dad..

OP posts:
Alasalas2 · 26/07/2016 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 26/07/2016 17:10

He didn't want to leave it until she matured enough to realise men nearer her age have more in common with her and are fitter.

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 26/07/2016 17:47

You cant deny the truth. You are defending child grooming right now. A 43 year old is grooming a child.

My moral compass isn't about making people feel better about adults preying on vulnerable children for their own gratification.

You keep saying "how would you stop them"? You can't stop a child being groomed, as if that makes it right. What kind of silly argument is that? How do you stop a 40 year old woman going home to an abusive husband who might kill her? You can't. By your argument then, abusing your wife is fine!

KateInKorea · 26/07/2016 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaDove · 26/07/2016 21:52

Sounds like a bit of reproductive coercion in there too.

Benedikte2 · 26/07/2016 23:43

I daresay the boyfriend is elated atm but with a history of depression and no previous experience of relationships I hate to think of how he will cope after his gf has the baby and is most likely having common adjustment problems. Yet for his own selfish motives he has placed her in this position instead of giving her the opportunity to gain life experience and maturity.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 27/07/2016 06:33

It's not looking peachy, is it?

Clearly it might all turn out super. Girl might have a wake up call, being a parent might be the making of her etc etc.

Getting a barely 17 year old pregnant when you're plenty old enough to be her dad is a shitty thing to do though, deliberate or otherwise.

Orchids with "it's just not right, it's not done" you make it sound like a lapse in etiquette. Hmm

Lweji · 27/07/2016 07:01

Sorry to go back, but
There is currently a bill going through parliament to make sexual exploitation of people under 18 illegal
I'm actually curious. What bill is that?
I can only find this one
www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/bills/cbill/2016-2017/0003/cbill_2016-20170003_en_1.htm
(curiously supported by one Theresa May), but there's only a tiny thing about child exploitation and not a mention of age.

SalemsLott · 27/07/2016 07:17

If this young lady was in the care system this may well be considered sexual exploitation.
It's gross Sad

Lweji · 27/07/2016 07:58

Erm...
She's not.
He's not pimping her or paying for sex, presumably.

If the OP really is concerned, then report to the authorities and safeguarding agencies. No point in beating her chest.
Lots of situations are far from ideal.
I'd worry if it was my child, but I'd worry the same for any boyfriend and the fact she got pregnant and the reasons why.
Should he know better? Sure. But age doesn't automatically give wisdom. He may well have his own vulnerability to deal with. Or he could be abusive, but these days I'd keep my eyes open regardless of the age of my child or any woman I know.

Bambambini · 27/07/2016 08:22

Lewji - you make it sound so detached. His age and her young sge makes no difference to you? 40 something getting a 17 yr old prefanst deliberatrly?

Yeah, he sounds like a great catch eith sound morals and good judgement. He's disgusting.

SalemsLott · 27/07/2016 08:26

Lweji Hmm

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