To think 17 and 43 is wrong?

[Beyinbonnet]

So a relation has started seeing a 17 year old (16 when started) they are now engaged, living together and she's pregnant!!! AIBU to think this is wrong?! All in the space of 7 month?!

I'm sorry but this just unsettles me!! I know it's not really my business but it's really got to me! Fair enough be seeing each other but FML!!!

Those defending this couple are on the whole giving examples where either the younger of the two in the couple is over 17 and/or the gap is less than 26 years. But it's the combination that makes me uncomfortable. Generally teenagers and 40 somethings are at very different life stages - far more so than an 18 & 32 year old. And at that age, each year can make a huge difference. I was a child at 16 but at 20 was an adult.

Are we to believe that in all relationships where there's a significant age gap, the older partner is a controlling, abusive, perverted weirdo?

YES

I wouldn't be impressed that a woman in her thirties couldn't wait a couple of years rather than weeks before getting engaged to a boy of 18. I'm glad it's worked out and everything, but fuck me, as the mother of a son not much younger and with a dss who actually is 18, I would take a lot of convincing.

Amanda de Cadenet was still in her teens I think when she and John Taylor hooked up. At least there was only a decade or so between them, and she wasn't 13 like poor Mandy Smith.

I can't get my head around what type of person in their 30's or 40's + would want to go out with a 17 year old. The thought of having a 17 year old boyfriend makes my skin crawl and i'm 'only' 29.

What's the attraction? It's icky. And no 17 year old is as mature as they think they are.

Are we to believe that in all relationships where there's a significant age gap, the older partner is a controlling, abusive, perverted weirdo?

Yes. It matters less as you get older like a 30 year old with a 50 year old is still (imo) ok compared to even a 16 year old and a 24 year old. Less of an age gap but the younger party is the one beingo taken advantage of.

I don't think that all relationships of this age type are bad, but I do believe that the people in this one have made a few bad decisions.
When I was 17 I dated a guy who was forty years older than me, but that was it at first. We went on a few dates and spent a lot of time together. After 4 months together, we started sleeping together. It lasted 5 years, and I didn't feel pressured at any point. We had a lot of mutual friends in their 30s.
My next boyfriend was two years older than me, and he was a dick so it didn't last very long. My current partner is seven years older than me, and we are married with two children.

Ah, so I'm a controlling, abusive, perverted weirdo. And my happy, loving, fifteen year long relationship is 'icky'. Good to know.

I've just told DH that and he's in stitches.

I've been in an abusive, controlling relationship and believe me, me and DH's marriage could not be more different. And, for the record, exP was exactly the same age as me.

Aw FFS.

None of us have the first clue how the couple mentioned in the OP might get on or not.
None of us have any idea about anybody else's relationship.

If the question is "how will this particular couple get on?", the only answer possible is "who knows?"
If the question is "how do you rate this couple's chances?" or "How does the thought of a 17yo and a 43yo in a committed and sexual relationship make you feel?" then I think it is only fair to accept that that kind of an age gap at that young an age is well outwith societal norms in the UK and makes many, many people feel very uncomfortable.

Penelope, I am glad you are happy in a good relationship. I mean it.

Equally, if one of my boys came along with a 43 yo woman when they are 17, I'd be very disconcerted.
If I had a daughter, I'd be shitting myself.
As I stated above, I have a relative in a long and happy relationship with a man and a slighter lesser aged gap (17 and 38yo at the time, he is now in his 70s, had a stroke and she is his full-time carer).

Anyway.
As you were.

Thank you Pacific.

Some of the comments here are truly horrible. So many clichéd ideas, stereotypes and just plain nastiness. I still say it's ludicrous to think that all older partners are abusive - my friend, for example, has recently left her 12 years younger DH because of his years of physical and emotional abuse. Yet according to PPs, she must be the abusive one by dint of her age

DH is still pissing himself at the idea of me 'taking advantage' of him btw

Penelope, whatever your personal circumstances, you seem to be suggesting that a 43 year old man having a sexual relationship with a 17 year old is in no way potentially problematic. Why?

*Are we to believe that in all relationships where there's a significant age gap, the older partner is a controlling, abusive, perverted weirdo?

YES*

They did.

"Are we to believe that in all relationships where there's a significant age gap, the older partner is a controlling, abusive, perverted weirdo?"

No Penelope, if one party is 32 and the other 52, no problem - two fully fledged adults. One is 17 and the other 43? Problem.

Allthesmallthings did say that, tho I thought maybe she was taking the P.

When I was 17 I started a 3-4 year relationship with a 42 year old. I'm still angry about it now when I think about it. We were engaged, but fortunately I didnt go through with it. And thank God I didnt get pregnant. While it's not impossible, I think it's rare that a relationship with those ages is going to be a good, equal, lasting one. I moved fairly quickly (22) into a relationship with my now husband who was 32. Totally different.

MrsDV a couple of posters responded to me asking whether in all relationships where there's a significant age gap the older partner is abusive, controlling etc with a 'yes'.

You're absolutely entitled to hoik your judgy pants at other peoples' relationships, and I'm equally entitled to disagree with you. I don't know the couple in the OP, and neither do you - so how can you judge whether the age difference is an issue or not? I agree it's unusual, just as the age gap between DH and me is. But DH was always way older than his years and for all you know, the girl in the OP may be too.

It's utterly ridiculous to suggest that all 17/18/19 year olds who enter into age-gap relationships are innocent, naïve victims while the older partner is a predatory abuser. Or to suggest that's what's happening with the relationship in the OP. Of course some age gap relationships will be abusive - just like some same age ones will be.

John yes, a 43 year old having a relationship with a 17 year old is potentially problematic - if both parties want very different things, or haven't had a full and frank discussion about the future. It's a consensual relationship, and both partners are of age. She may get hurt - but so might any of us in a relationship, regardless of age.

When DH and I got together we didn't experience any of the negative, judgy reactions here. I know you'll say 'you don't know what they said behind your back' - luckily our friends aren't as small-minded and judgemental as many posters here seem to be.

Given that in this country a relationship between a 17-year old and a 43-year old is not (currently) illegal, then yes, OP, you are being a little unreasonable.

The most important thing in a big age gap relationship, especially where one is so young, is that the relationship is truly one of equals. I would be very worried if it looked like it wasn't. OP gave us a little insight into why the man might have fallen for this younger girl, which would suggest that it hasn't been a 'pervy' thing, nor that he has form for this. So I'd be inclined to be supportive of him at least.

There are plenty of girls who have no interest in nightclubs and other teenage type things. It sounds like she pursued him, perhaps not realising his age at first. Maybe she wants nothing more than to make a home and a family with a nice stable man. She hasn't ended her life by getting pregnant. There will be opportunities for her to continue her education if she wants to take them.

It isn't a relationship which I would have a huge amount of confidence in, but it's not anyone else's place to judge. I'd hope the parents (hers especially) have done all they can to make sure they are truly committed to each other. It does sound like they are supportive which is a great help.

Good luck to them. I hope it works out.

PS. Average male life expectancy in England is currently 79.5.
Not sure where a pp got the 68ish figure from.

People on here talking of their age gaps, good on you, you're older and it works and that's great. But this is a 17 year old with a man 26 years older than her which is a different thing altogether. No one on here has talked about that, it's very different when you are 30 with a 15 year gap or whatever.

If this was my DD I would be bricking it. I remember what they were like at 17 and there is no way they wouldn't be taken advantage of. They thought they knew everything, they knew nothing. One DD in particular was pushing the boundaries like anything because she hadn't found herself yet. And then along comes some 43 years old.... to my mind it's not far off grooming.

V odd! I am 44 and while I enjoy chatting to teens, we are a world apart in interests, etc. Even when I worked with props in their 20s when I was late 30s, the age gap was obvious!! When I was 17 I thought 43 was ancient!!!

Penelope there is a huge difference between a 15 year age gap and a 26 year age gap. Great that it's worked for you but if my 17yo had hooked up with a 43 year old.... well, I have no idea what I would do but I would be seriously worried. What on earth is in it for the 43 yr old man - they have absolutely nothing in common.

We can't possibly say what these two particular people have in common or not.

I can think of things I have more in common with a 17 year old than with many men my age.
Not that I'd want to get together with a teenager. :)

People do have different preferences. I don't like big age gaps for me. I don't particularly like older men. Some people do.
Just because we can't understand what got them together, it doesn't mean it's not working.
They sound too much on the honeymoon phase, although common for teenagers, and it may well fizzle out in a few months.
But, if anyone is going to try and talk to the girl, the OTT disgusted reactions from this thread are more likely to make it worse.
Nobody is saying you should celebrate their relationship, but I'd reserve judgement and would have some grown up talks to the girl if you're close or just leave it (and the judge pants) if you're not close.