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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 17 and 43 is wrong?

440 replies

Beyinbonnet · 23/07/2016 10:37

So a relation has started seeing a 17 year old (16 when started) they are now engaged, living together and she's pregnant!!! AIBU to think this is wrong?! All in the space of 7 month?!

I'm sorry but this just unsettles me!! I know it's not really my business but it's really got to me! Fair enough be seeing each other but FML!!!

OP posts:
Pritchyx · 25/07/2016 07:35

I was 18 when I moved out and got pregnant (accident as pill didn't work due to health factors) but my ex is 3 years older than me...
My partner now is 32 and I'm 22... And definitely no babies or engagements anywhere on the horizon for a long, long time...

However, 17-43 is a 26 year gap right? If my daughter did that, I'd be mortified but guess you can't do anything... As long as they're happy I guess!

Gottagetmoving · 25/07/2016 08:10

You honestly think there is something wrong with someone who expresses reservations about a 43 year old having sex and impregnating a 17 year old?

Reservations are fine. Disgust about a relationship when you don't know the people involved is not fine.
I would be cynical about it...and realistically I would probably think such a relationship won't last.
However, people on here comparing it to child abuse and in one case incest (?!) Is ridiculous.

SouperSal · 25/07/2016 08:27

She can't drink nor drive, legally

You can legally take your driving test on your 17th birthday in the UK........ Confused

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 25/07/2016 08:50

A seventeen year old mature beyond her years wouldn't be shacking up and getting pregnant with a middle aged man.

A decent middle aged man who found himself head over heels with a seventeen year old girl would give his head a wobble.

There is no way that the situation is ok. None at all.

Bambambini · 25/07/2016 08:55

I winder how many 43 yr old men would be happy for their 16/17 yr old daughter to have a relationship and get pregnant to one of their mates.

Gottagetmoving · 25/07/2016 09:06

It's not about whether anyone else is happy about it.
There is all this speculation about control issues 're the man...and yet all these people criticizing it have no control issues at all?

Original poster
Beyinbonnet · 25/07/2016 09:12

I do know them it's my BIL of course I know them!! I find it disgusting and if I had a just gone 17 year old that came in pregnant to a 43 year old man I'd hit the roof!! At 17 I was in love with a bloke older than me not much older 4 years but I thought we'd be together forever hahahaha!! I was however sensible and mature enough to be on the pill (implant to be precise) if they had anything about them they both could of used protection one way or another!! Everyone defending this sort of relationship are infact ignorant to the fact that the girl is barely legal!! I suppose you'd all want ya 17 year old daughters getting shacked up with a 43 year old bloke??
Obviously they're going to do what they want who's gonna stop them etc but it doesn't make it morrally right! I do believe it could be some sort of mid life crisis!! They need some sense knocking into the pair of them!

OP posts:
RunRarebitRun · 25/07/2016 09:20

Eek, that doesn't sound great. I'm 43, and if I was to spend loads of time with a 17-year-old, I'd have the urge to mother them, not date them. I just cannot get my head round the idea of having a partner who is only just about to launch into adult life.

Gottagetmoving · 25/07/2016 09:32

So the couple are ok with it and both sets of parents are ok with it...but OP and many people on here are not ok with it.
The people that matter don't have a problem with it so everyone else needs to back off.
It's ok and natural to have an opinion on it but really it's not our business.
No doubt the relationship will not last because statistically it is doomed to failure, however, there is a chance it will. No one knows for sure.

Original poster
Beyinbonnet · 25/07/2016 09:50

so from the majority of replies I am going to take it that I am not been unreasonable! Everyone with half a brain seems to think the same!! I hope it does work out for them but I do t think it will and I don't want my children thinking its normal for old men to be seeing young young girls who aren't even adults!! Extremely bad examples been set to young impressionable children!! This is not normal in my eyes! Iv obviously been brought up well though!!

OP posts:
Bambambini · 25/07/2016 10:07

I just don't understand men who have grown kids or teenage daughters lusting after girls young enough and just like their daughters. Same goes in reverse with older women.

CecilyP · 25/07/2016 10:15

You are not being unreasonable to feel the way you do - but there is not much you can do about it now. It is their lives, and while there is no need for you to show any enthusiasm for what has happened; no need to offer fullsome congratulations for either the engagement or the pregnancy, it is best to be polite and non-commital. I wouldn't worry too much about your children, they will have enough other influences in their lives to know that this situation is unusual, to say the least. And, if they are anything like most of us were at 17, a 25 year old boyfriend might have seemed mature and sophisticated, a 43 year old would have seemed positively ancient!

Memoires · 25/07/2016 10:17

Look, she's 17. How exactly is her mum supposed to stop her doing what she wants to do? How is her dad? Chain her up in her room? It's not possible.

I have a 16 year old, and if she came home pg I would be upset, of course I would. If she were pg by a man so much older than her then, yes, there are a million things which would worry me but what do you think I should do about it? I couldn't force her to have an abortion, could I? No reputable clinic or hospital would do it unless she agreed. How would I make her agree if she didn't want to terminate? Threaten her? Threaten her with what? Anything like that would send her straight into his arms, with the added danger that she would pack her things and move in with him.

So what would I do if my dd were in this situation? I would have to grit my teeth, get to know the guy, be there to support and help her through whatever comes along, and keep a sharp eye out for any signs of abusive behaviour. To the rest of the world it might look like I'm happy with it, and maybe, if he were good to her and treated her well and kindly and lovingly, well maybe in the end what really matters is that she is happy.

Judge them by all means, but perhaps they would all be helped by your kindness and support. Maybe her mum needs a shoulder to cry on.

Hobbington1 · 25/07/2016 10:26

My daughter lost her virginity at 17 to a 38 yo.
He was already in a relationship, two timing bastard.
He came back into her life 4 years later, at her request sadly, but, she eventually saw through his controlling nasty ways and gave him the heave ho. Now he is reduced to sending me very nasty texts threatening evil deeds, police involved, bloody joke.
my personal feeling is that the age gap is not good and for a man to seek out young impressionable girls to 'impress' demonstrates an immaturity on his part that could illustrate some psychotic tendencies.
Beware and avoid at all costs. Just my opinion.

Original poster
Beyinbonnet · 25/07/2016 10:27

I don't know her mother Iv only met the kid twice! I see what you mean though.. I still think they're absolute idiots.. If he loved her that much wait until she's older simple as that.. Btw it's the bloke who I am restated to through marriage

OP posts:
Original poster
Beyinbonnet · 25/07/2016 10:27

Related*

OP posts:
SouperSal · 25/07/2016 10:33

Everyone with half a brain seems to think the same!!

Quite. Grin

Bambambini · 25/07/2016 11:09

If he cared for her in a healthy way he would have walked away before it began. I eould have concerns about any man who thought this was ok.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 25/07/2016 11:10

He sounds like a mega sleaze. I hope she has her family around her to support her.

Lweji · 25/07/2016 11:16

Exactly what Memoires said.

At that age there is very little anyone, or the parents, can do.

You, OP, and other pps, only with half a brain (I really wouldn't brag about it), can beat your chest or be disgusted all you like.
It's certainly not a great situation, but, for all we know, she may have pursued him. He's certainly made a choice, but, for all we know, so did she.
And God knows older people have made stupid relationship mistakes.

It looks like it might become illegal to enter these relationships, but for now it's not and, like Memoirs said, it's very difficult to impose on 16 or 17 year olds without driving them away or placing them more at risk. They can simply decide to leave their parental home.

WannaBe · 25/07/2016 11:25

I would be questioning why any seventeen year old would want to be in a relationship with a man old enough to be her father rather than out clubbing with her mates. And why a 43 year old was interested in a seventeen year old.

Of course it's legal and of course it's their lives etc etc. But that doesn't mean people aren't allowed an opinion. I would be questioning why a seventeen year old doesn't have friends her own age, and what kind of life she is signing up for by getting involved with this man. Because presumably he has friends his own age, and at seventeen she just won't fit in with that demographic. And at his age he wouldn't be going out with her and her friends if she has any her own age.

I'd be more inclined to think that once she has the baby she will become isolated as her own age group won't want to know because they don't have babies, and he will be doing his own thing.

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 25/07/2016 13:44

It seems like based on this thread, this kind of behavior would be accepted in certain homes and communities, and not in others. Grin

Of course, the truth is too much for some posters...

OP: I am sorry because when you are around these kinds of disgusting relationships, you end up feeling complicit. Like you are somehow condoning them. I would honestly keep my distance but if you don't, don't feel like you have to condone or agree with this behavior. Because it's wrong.

NicknameUsed · 25/07/2016 14:15

Soupersal how can you take your test on your 17th birthday if you haven't had any driving lessons? Don't you need to be 17 to get a provisional licence?

WannaBe I would be as concerned about the life she is leaving behind.

Goingtobeawesome · 25/07/2016 14:25

They could have used contraception but maybe they wanted a baby.

I don't understand why some people are saying they don't understand why he wants to be with someone so much younger.

NicknameUsed · 25/07/2016 14:34

I don't understand why you don't understand Goingtobe. Maybe you don't have a teenage daughter. I do, and it isn't what I would like for her (partly because I know it isn't what she would want).

Most of us are projecting our own feelings and experiences, and I certainly wasn't interested in 43 year olds at 17.

Interestingly the OP hasn't said very much about her BIL's personality.