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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think 17 and 43 is wrong?

440 replies

Beyinbonnet · 23/07/2016 10:37

So a relation has started seeing a 17 year old (16 when started) they are now engaged, living together and she's pregnant!!! AIBU to think this is wrong?! All in the space of 7 month?!

I'm sorry but this just unsettles me!! I know it's not really my business but it's really got to me! Fair enough be seeing each other but FML!!!

OP posts:
SouperSal · 24/07/2016 20:52

I agree Orchids

Werkz · 24/07/2016 20:58

memoires I'm curious about your 'former times' when this behaviour would be considered debauched. My, meagre admittedly, knowledge of former times is that girls coming out was simply to catch a good marriage and if that meant she, at 16?, married a 70 year old Duke, that was perfect! Marrying a 40 year old, as long as he was of good family and posseassed a fortune was very good indeed.

It's a bit difficult to answer this because the life-course parameters were very different to today, but the average age of marriage for an upper class deb in the Victorian period was about 19. And upper class debs were the youngest to marry of all the social classes. Considering you were meant to have finished your education, be extremely accomplished, speak at least two languages, and able to run a substantial home of your own (which, in that period, meant running an operation that was somewhat like a business with at least four employees and possibly as many as 400), I reckon you could argue a corresponding age today would be about 21+.

Interestingly, the average age of marriage for a working class woman in 19th century Manchester was 27 and the overall average marriage age for women during the 19th century was 22. Indeed, during the 18th century, the average age of marriage for women was even higher at 26.

The marriage of a 16 year old to a 70 year old would have been socially frowned upon during the 19th century because it wasn't really a good match. The general perception would have been that the girl in question would soon be a widow, would be unlikely to bear children, and would never have the experience of "young marriage", which was somewhat of a growing notion in this period due to Victoria and Albert's model of youthful "love" match, and depending on whether there were sons from a former marriage, such a bride could easily find herself in very constrained circumstances in the event of widowhood.

In the 17th century, it would be somewhat different, but in the 19th? It would be frowned upon. People in society would feel very sorry for the girl and would cast judgement on her parents for allowing the match to occur.

The reality is that the average age of marriage in England from the mid 16 century to the mid 19th century hovered between 25 to 30 years old. As such, for a male at the age of 40 or above, having sex with young girls in their mid teens was an act that fell outside of the recognised norms of society, no matter where on the spectrum you were. You couldn't really do it within society, so it was something that you would pursue outside ... if you were so inclined, that meant procuring a young girl from a brothel etc, so therefore became a matter of "debauchery" and "perversion".

OreosAreTasty · 24/07/2016 21:04

Haven't read full thread (read to
Page 6)
While I was in a similar (ok not really but similar starting age) relationship it unsettles me too.
Some of these comments make me a tad uncomfortable however... He's not a paedophile for one. Don't trivialise actual paedophilia please..
I met Dh at 16 (he was 25), 8 years on we're still going strong, I still went through education and held down a job (still do). An age gap with one person young isn't necessarily bad.
That being said, an age gap of more than 20yrs at her age would make me very uncomfortable.
If you openly judge or say something then you'll likely lead to being isolated from them.
This may be abusive it may not but please keep an eye on her,
Encourage her to seek a normal level of independence, learn to drive, consider educational options etc (limited with a baby but not at all impossible)

LarrytheCucumber · 24/07/2016 21:20

There was a 32 year age gap between Robert Baden-Powell (founder of Boy Scouts) and his wife, and they seem to have been very happy. Isn't it the quality of the relationship which matters?

vladimpaler · 24/07/2016 21:48

"That being said, an age gap of more than 20yrs at her age would make me very uncomfortable"

Why? Would 19 be OK, and 21 not then? How can you, someone who knows better than most the experience of an age gap just pick a random number out of the air, where suddenly an age gap is unacceptable to you? That's like saying that capital punishment is wrong, except for child killers; when it is suddenly morally acceptable.

Beyinbonnet · 24/07/2016 22:12

Well Its ludacris!! She's not very mature for her age they sit and kiss and canoodle on people sofas 😷 17year old girl just gone in May and 43 year old bloke 😷 Have a relationship don't rub it in people's noses and certainly don't be getting pregnant!! Irresponsible from both sides relative or not!! If I'm asked by anyone from my in laws side of the family then I will be giving my opinion!! It's disgusting!! Total shame on the family and shame on them for thinking it's ok weather they are in love or whatever!! They're fucking deluded!!

OP posts:
Peridotisinvalid · 24/07/2016 22:18

Alasalas2 "If it were my daughter he would be swimming at the bottom of the ocean. For everyone else: their problem."

WTF? You'd murder a man your daughter freely chose to have a relationship with if there was a big age difference? You need psychiatric help.

Peridotisinvalid · 24/07/2016 22:20

It's not your business Beyinbonnet.

squoosh · 24/07/2016 22:20

I wouldn't have him murdered. I'd have him spirited away on a slow boat to the Antarctic. And then dropped off there.

SouperSal · 24/07/2016 22:23

Well Its ludacris!!

The rapper? Shock

PacificDogwod · 24/07/2016 22:25

Good grief, Bey!
You sound a bit over invested.

Alasalas2 · 24/07/2016 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alasalas2 · 24/07/2016 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gottagetmoving · 24/07/2016 22:30

My mother met my dad when she was 16 and he was 25. They married when she was 17.
Ok, he was not in his forties but she was only 16.
She was far more worldly wise than he was.
Not all 17 year olds are childlike and not all men in their forties are perverts.
It's legal to be married at 16 with parental consent.
There is probably more wrong with people who are 'disgusted' about this than there is with the couple involved.
If you don't know the couple...you know nothing.

Lweji · 24/07/2016 22:39

No kid of mine is getting knocked up by anyone ever before they are classified as adults.

Good luck with that. Really. You can only hope.

OrchidsAndLace · 24/07/2016 22:41

Well Its ludacris!!

The rapper? Shock

That made me laugh out loud Souper 😂

squoosh · 24/07/2016 22:43

There is probably more wrong with people who are 'disgusted' about this than there is with the couple involved.

I doubt that.

SouperSal · 24/07/2016 22:46

Orchids Grin

OrchidsAndLace · 24/07/2016 22:48

There is probably more wrong with people who are 'disgusted' about this than there is with the couple involved.

Agreed.

Threads filled with outrage about other people's completely harmless life choices fascinate me in a morbid kind of way - I honestly can't fathom the mentality of people who have such strong negative reactions to people having what sounds like a happy relationship and who aren't hurting a fly Confused

Alasalas2 · 24/07/2016 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AtSea1979 · 24/07/2016 22:58

I was this age when I married a much older man. We're divorced now as I was much too young to take the marriage seriously. I thought I was mature but looking back now I was just a kid and he was a pervert.

CherryPicking · 24/07/2016 22:58

It's gross. I would be keeping an eye out for abusive or controlling signs from him. It's the power imbalance that's the whole point for men like him, usually.

NicknameUsed · 24/07/2016 23:07

I must admit that although it isn't anyone's business other than those who care for these people, I still think it is odd that some people are OK with it.

The young lady is not legally an adult for a start. DD is 16 and has friends going on 17, and I can honestly say that I don't think any of them are mature enough or stupid enough to get involved with a 43 year old.

Some posters seem to be missing the point that it isn't just a 26 year age difference, but the fact that she is 17, not in her 20s. The difference in outlook and emotional maturity between a 17 year old and a 24 year old is massive.

I still think this girl is looking for some kind of security from a dysfunctional home life, and would try and make her feel welcome.

Chikara · 24/07/2016 23:24

if this were my DD I wouldn't be happy because I wouldn't want her to be tied so young.

BUT - my own relationships were mostly with older men - 12 - 15 years - and that just seemed right. No abuse. Mostly happy.

Relationships can be good or bad and differences of class, age, religion, culture etc can make it that much harder but are not reasons in themselves for a union to fail.

GarlicStake · 24/07/2016 23:25

overly preoccupied with age and consent

I know, consent is such a non-issue. Why would anyone be preoccupied with it? And age, meh. In some countries girls get married at 8 to much older men. A woman's a woman as long as she's started her periods, any age will do.

Confused