To think 17 and 43 is wrong?

[Beyinbonnet]

So a relation has started seeing a 17 year old (16 when started) they are now engaged, living together and she's pregnant!!! AIBU to think this is wrong?! All in the space of 7 month?!

I'm sorry but this just unsettles me!! I know it's not really my business but it's really got to me! Fair enough be seeing each other but FML!!!

Yes people of all ages can talk to people who are older/ younger. It doesn't make it normal for a 43 year old to have a relationship with someone of 17.

So what is "abnormal" about it then, if they can talk, laugh and enjoy each other's company just like any other couple?

It's abnormal because 17 is practically a child. Only a sad 43 year old would have a relationship with someone that young.

It's only our bizarre law that makes anyone argue it is reasonable.

My OH is 15 years older than me. I was early 20's when we met. We are still together 20 years on. When we first met I looked young and several people thought he was my dad, also we've had a child recently we do get people thinking he's grandad to our children. We get regularly asked the age gap between us. So I think you need to not care what people think. Which in a way, I do care. The children care too. But this couple have had a child while the man is young still. So that side doesn't matter but I'm sure people will think he's her father.

soupersal. You cannot fight for your country at 16.
You used to be able to at 17 but now you have to be 18 to be sent to a war zone.

17 is not "practically a child" it's an adult in all but name. Some 17 year olds are very immature still but then so are some 20 or 30 year olds. Other 17 year olds are very mature are perfectly capable of making adult decisions. I've known a few teenagers who were a good deal more mature than their parents sadly. Everyone is different and if these two people make each other happy what possible justification is there for such a judgmental attitude?

My OH is 15 years older than me. I was early 20's when we met. We are still together 20 years on.

A 24 year old and a 39 year old is a rather different situation surely....?

Everyone is different and if these two people make each other happy what possible justification is there for such a judgmental attitude?

Yeah everyone's different and there are socially inept 43 year olds who lust after teenagers. That doesnt make it right.

There's no right or wrong about it. It's no one's business but theirs. Whether it will last is another matter but negative thinking busybodies interfering won't help.

The late 30s male in Ex's family who got together with the still teenager girl wasn't socially inept. She was more mature, IMO, and if I was betting I'd say she groomed him and is certainly in control in the relationship. (If they're still together)

The idea of such relationships is cringing, but the reality mat not be as bad as we first think.

Yeah my dad met a 16 year old and married her while he was in his mid 40's.

Having a step mother a year older than you and a year younger than your brother was not much fun.

He picked her because I believe she was the first person he met after my mum left him that was immature and vulnerable enough to swallow his shit.

He couldn't handle being on his own so picked the first person who would have him.

She has left him now and is with a man her own age. She grew up and became a force to reckon with!

It is gross and imo any decent or emotionally healthy 43 year old would go no where near a 17 year old. I don't give two shits if it's judgmental.

In my office we have people from late teens up to late 60s, no one has any lack of things to talk to each other about on the staff outings

Yes, because chatting to someone at work is exactly like having a long term relationship and a child with them. /sarcasm

I'm mid 40s. My friends range from people in their early 20s to their 80s. I can happily have conversations with teenagers. However, my relationships have been with people within about 10 years of my age. I just find that with teenagers there are many, many things I've been through that they haven't. There are huge bits of conversations I wouldn't expect to be able to have with them, because they are quite specifically things that come with age. So yes, we might both watch Hollyoaks, but that doesn't mean we have the basis of a relationship.

There's nothing wrong with teenagers having serious relationships or with age-gap relationships. However, a relationship between a 17 year old and a 43 year old is unusual and would concern me.

The late 30s male in Ex's family who got together with the still teenager girl wasn't socially inept. She was more mature, IMO, and if I was betting I'd say she groomed him and is certainly in control in the relationship. (If they're still together)

So he wasnt socially inept but a teenage girl was more mature than him....?

Yeah everyone's different and there are socially inept 43 year olds who lust after teenagers. That doesnt make it right.

And your basis for thinking this guy is socially inept and lusts after teenagers is...what? That he's in a relationship with one teenager? Do you assume the 17 year old is socially inept and lusts after older men too? From the OP's posts, it was the 17 year old who initiated the relationship and the 43 year old who wasn't interested in the beginning. So does that mean there's something "wrong" with her for being romantically interested in an older man? Fancying one 40-something doesn't mean you're attracted to the entire age group, you know, nor vice versa.

You still haven't explained what exactly is "not right" about a relationship that makes both partners happy but hey ho, some people don't need reasons to justify their negative attitudes I guess.

I have two friends who married much older men needless to say both marriages ended in disaster due to the younger woman wanting someone closer to her own age. This sort of age gap is too much.

I think it's disgusting. I say that as some who barely aged 19 had a relationship with a man much older than me. He was a predator, I was naive and stupid and looking for a father figure. The dynamic is wrong between a 43year old and a 17 year old. She's barely out of school, pregnant, and with a (relative to her age) old man.

It would be gross either way around. I knew a mid-40s woman who had a 19 year old boyfriend. It was disgusting as she would proudly tell everyone at work about it and the amazing sex. She had kids almost his age. It grossed me out and I was early 20s at the time.

If she were 25 and he we're 50 it wouldn't be such a big deal, it's just the fact that she's 17. It's too young. Legal yes, but moral? No. She hasn't had a chance to live. She's young and honestly, he's taken advantage and he's taking her youth. She should be out enjoying herself, not up the duff with a middle-aged man.

The younger woman thing also concerns me. I knew of a guy who had three wives; all married at 16 or 17 and left for a younger model once they were in their 20s. It was horribly embarrassing for his daughter.

I have strong views on this subject

You still haven't explained what exactly is "not right" about a relationship that makes both partners happy but hey ho, some people don't need reasons to justify their negative attitudes I guess.

And you haven't explained why it is OK, when if she had been a few months younger when they met (at 16) he could have landed in jail? Its about shades of grey, not black and white. 15 years and 364 days = wrong, 16 years and 0 days = fine. Utter lunacy. But yeah just me being 'negative'. My opinion is that age gap isnt right, you can disagree but snarky nonsense about 'negativity' is hardly a compelling argument that all is well.

I would judge, and judge freely, any 40-something going out with a teenager.

YANBUz

I'd add I was a very mature 19 year old, left home young and fended for myself for years. Maturity is nothing to do with it. I was still very young.

For those debating whether this is legal or not as the younger party is 17 this could be deemed to be Child Sexual Exploitation.

The below extract is from the Metropolitan Police website.

Sexual exploitation of children and young people under 18 involves exploitative situations, contexts and relationships where the young person (or third person/s) receive ‘something’ (e.g. food, accommodation, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, affection, gifts, money) as a result of them performing and/or another or others performing on them, sexual activities.

Child Sexual Exploitation can occur through the use of technology without the child’s immediate recognition; for example being persuaded to post images on the internet/ mobile phones without immediate payment or gain.

In all cases, those exploiting the child/ young person have power over them by virtue of their age/ gender/ intellect/ physical strength/ economic situation or other resources.

Violence, coercion and intimidation are common, involvement in exploitative relationships being characterised in the main by the child or young person’s limited availability of choice as a result of their social, economic or emotional vulnerability. (ACPO National Child Sexual Exploitation Communications Strategy)

If she were 25 and he we're 50 it wouldn't be such a big deal, it's just the fact that she's 17. It's too young. Legal yes, but moral? No. She hasn't had a chance to live. She's young and honestly, he's taken advantage and he's taking her youth. She should be out enjoying herself, not up the duff with a middle-aged man

Surely it's the pregnancy at 17 that's the issue there, rather than the age of her partner. She wouldn't exactly be better off if the father of her child was 17 as well, would she?

It's weird, creepy and a bit Pervy. It's not so much the age gap but the fact that the gap is from a starting point of 17!
I'd be mortified if it were one of my teens, totally distraught.

My opinion is that age gap isnt right, you can disagree but snarky nonsense about 'negativity' is hardly a compelling argument that all is well.

And saying "it's just not right" is hardly a compelling argument that all is not well. If two people are happy together the initial reaction is surely to be happy for them. It's the people making negative judgments who should provide some justification for their opinions, preferably with something more rational than "ew gross" or "he must be a pervert".

I agree with you that it's not black and white (and the current law that treats it as such is rather clumsy) but condemning something based on nothing more than age is a pretty black and white opinion, no? If the OP had said her relative had a habit of going after much younger women, or that he was behaving in a predatory manner, or indeed if she could point to anything wrong with the actual relationship, that would be different. But she paints a picture of two people who've both had a difficult time and have found some happiness together. Condemning that is morally wrong (to put it politely) but that's just my opinion :)

I understand your view, but I think it's their business and I think you are being prejudice. I am married to a man 18 older than me and never been more happy. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. Just had a baby and our life is wonderful so I don't see why it would bother people or disgust them? He is a wonderful father and I even better husband and I consider myself lucky to have him