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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect a thank you for teacher gifts?

399 replies

katydid2 · 22/07/2016 09:52

Today is my son's last day at the nursery school where he has spent the past three years. Last week, I gave his teacher what I thought was a very generous thank you gift: a silver-plated picture frame, a voucher for a manicure and pedicure at an expensive spa near the school, and a heartfelt written note with a picture my son drew. I also gave the head teacher an expensive bottle of champagne and a Diptyque candle.

As it's my son's last year, I wanted to give the other teachers and teaching assistants a little gift as well, so I gave them each a goody bag filled with good chocolates, nice hand cream, and a card my son signed. I realised that my gifts were perhaps not the most original or exciting, but I wanted to give each teacher a little something.

Out of the 10 people to whom I gave gifts, two thanked me. The others, including my son's teacher and head teacher, have said not one single word. I don't expect a parade or applause, but a simple thank you would be nice. I don't even expect a hand-written thank-you note (though I always write them), but again some sort of acknowledgement would be nice.

We do live in a very affluent area, but we are not rich. I am a SAHM, we are saving to buy a house, and we spend most of our disposable income on our children's education. Perhaps the teachers are accustomed to getting more expensive gifts and were disappointed with my gifts!? I am genuinely baffled, bemused befuddled, and if I'm honest, very hurt. Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
ailith · 22/07/2016 14:03

I suggest you get a grip. This is completely ott:

"Thank you, all. I am a piece of sh!t, reckless, spendthrift, ridiculous, laughable person who has condemned her children to a life of penury to buy cringe-worthy, embarrassing gifts to 'keep up with the joneses' and expects fawning, gushing praise in return. I hope you revel in your moral superiority and feel wonderful for making a person feel like a worthless human being and horrible person, when she was asking for genuine feedback on what she thought was a simple question about manners."

Other contributors are entitled to their opinions. Anyone name-dropping brands etc or actually talking about how much things cost, is asking for raised eyebrows at best. Get over it.

stressedinsurrey · 22/07/2016 14:04

My husband is a teacher and he always gives thank you cards for all gifts. I always think he's mad as we rarely get a thank you card from teachers and I don't really care, I give them gifts because they work hard and I think they deserve them, not to please me. My Dad cut ties with his goddaughter because he didn't receive thank you notes for birthday presents. It would have been polite to send a note of thanks, but it really wasn't worth the drastic outcome! Don't worry about people on here katy, they don't know you, so they are essentially telling you their thing that came into their head depending on how they read one paragraph. It's not personal! For anyone looking for tips for year end gifts, in fact it's the hand written heartfelt cards that are the best (all free), second choice anything edible/quoffable. Avoid novelty golf items and mugs at all costs Smile!

Original poster
katydid2 · 22/07/2016 14:05

Thank you, japaneseslipper and Thingvellir.

OP posts:
Original poster
katydid2 · 22/07/2016 14:06

and stressedinsurrey...

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 22/07/2016 14:06

Your dad sounds intense!

MoonStar07 · 22/07/2016 14:08

I think you've given way too much! We did a collection and put a scrapbook together! Neither do we expect thank you cards! The cuddles and tears were enough for us all today as the teachers and TAs said goodbye. You've put a lot of effort in but don't take it personally.

AppleMagic · 22/07/2016 14:18

How did your preschool age son get all this gifts to school and give them out without an adult being there to receive thanks at the time?

jennielou75 · 22/07/2016 14:18

I recieved a collective gift card from my class. I did a general thank you to all who were there and will send an email with a pic of what I bought with it. I appreciate what I am given but did not do thanks for the extra stuff I was given. I just didn't have time and didn't think it was expected.

Roussette · 22/07/2016 14:21

Don't take it so personally, of course you are not shit!

A spa day is about £100 (at the very least), the candle is about £50, expensive champagne could be £50 plus 'nice hand cream' and other gifts for all the other teachers (10 was it?) We're talking of hundreds of pounds here so of course you are miffed you haven't had a thank you back. Honestly honestly, you could spend £5 and it would be appreciated and you wouldn't feel like you do now because you have spent so much money.

Sorry to sound harsh but really that is the bottom line.

There was a survey somewhere and the majority of teachers said they loved the handwritten notes from the kids best... that must tell you something.

Fairenuff · 22/07/2016 14:24

OP said she left the presents in the staff room Apple. If you do decide to give gifts in the future OP, just hand them over directly and you'll get your 'thankyou' there and then.

Regardless, you will get the same level of thanks whether you spend £1 or £100 as it matters not to the teacher. As has been said a lot on this thread, a kind word or homemade card is just as valued, perhaps even more so.

MiddleClassProblem · 22/07/2016 14:26

A mani pedi is not a spa day and normally half the price at least

Mommym24 · 22/07/2016 14:27

Cabrinha if you read my post properly you will see all I gave was a card!

ThatGingerOne · 22/07/2016 14:28

The point of giving a gift isn't to expect a thank you in reply, although it is polite if you are the one putting it in their hands.

I'm sure the teacher thanked your child when the gift was given. She was probably given something by every kid in the class and by what you said probably in the same calibre. You can't expect teachers to remember your face and the face of all the other parents AND remember if that kid got them something AND remember what it was to thank you! They probably have a lot of things on their mind at the moment with the year ending and have a lot of work to do!

I think you should just feel good that she was probably happy with her gift and very grateful and leave it at that. Flowers

ArcheryAnnie · 22/07/2016 14:31

If the presents were left in the staff room, then it's very possible most of the teachers did not have a chance to unwrap them or read the cards, or make a note of who had given what. This goes double for the head teacher on the last day of school.

SharonfromEON · 22/07/2016 14:32

No I don't think you are any more entitled to a Thank you than someone who gave a card...
My DS will be giving gift next week and I expect his teacher to say thank you to him not me

FuriousFate · 22/07/2016 14:37

If this isn't a wind up, it's one hell of a stealth boast!

To be honest, I find it all a bit crass, listing the many many gifts your DC's teachers should have been oh so... grateful to receive. They probably received gifts from many children. They'll have thanked the children when the gifts were given and that should suffice. You're one person in a sea of parents. Why should you be singled out for a special thank you above the others? You say it would only take a minute. Sure, for one parent. Not for a class full! Or a school full if you're the head!

Here's a grip...

mouldycheesefan · 22/07/2016 14:39

There was a lovely post the other day from a teacher who had kept for years a bottle of water with some glitter in it that a refugee child living in poverty had given her. She was touched that a child who had nothing wanted to do something for her. It was a lovely post. Many teachers said that they keep the cards and still retread them sometimes.

Coconut0il · 22/07/2016 14:39

I'm a TA and I always say thank you to the children for gifts. If I see the parents I say thank you to them too but it is so hectic at the end of term I don't see them all. I do write thank you notes but don't give those out till September.
You were extremely generous OP and personally I think its bad manners to not say thank you.

Roussette · 22/07/2016 14:40

Yes I agree - long after the champagne's been drunk and the candle has been burnt down, some lovely words a little pupil has written will mean far more.

NotYoda · 22/07/2016 14:45

I think that you should only give gifts to people because you genuinely like and trust them. And then by definition, if they do not thank you, you will like and trust them enough to not be offended if they don't thank you in a timely manner, in the way you want, or at all. You might realise there was a reason for the lack of thanks.

You will have enough goodwill with them to have decided to buy a present and know that they deserved it.

If you find yourself really upset by a lack of thanks, then I think it's a sign that maybe you gave too much, or that you gave because you thought you should.

Lemonlady22 · 22/07/2016 14:49

blimey....teachers dont need gifts..a card will do. You are gonna be a long time saving for a house if you do that for every teacher/helper etc for every child, every year until they all leave school....so OTT!

stressedinsurrey · 22/07/2016 14:54

middleclass - ha ha, he so is!

Binkermum29 · 22/07/2016 14:57

I feel very very sorry for the flaming OP has had on the basis, as she says, that she was only raising a question about manners rather than inviting comments about her spending habits. It was a reasonable question. So 💐 for you OP.
And to give the self-righteous something to really rant about, I knew a teacher at my daughter's (private) school who always binned every present she was given at Christmas and at the end of the summer term because she just assumed everything would be crap. Without checking them. Get your teeth into that, girls.

theelectricmichaelangelo · 22/07/2016 14:58

The gifts are very generous and if I was a teacher and got gifts like that I would be very very grateful. The teachers we have had, have always sent a note of thanks - often towards end of holidays. I can imagine that if you live in that sort of area ( I'm familiar with this sort of thing) then there is a kind of compulsion to do the right thing perhaps because the other mums are all doing it and your child notices when they are empty handed. In my daughters school (private) the class rep organises a donation of £25 from each parent which covers presents for the whole year ( the teacher and TA get one at Christmas aswell! The shock of it!!). Personally I think it's excessive and would rather donate my money to a food bank but if presents are going to happen this is a much easier and cheaper way of organising it I think. Could you suggest that next time rather than go to such expense ? maybe then the thank you could come back from the teacher in one email to all the parents! And any surplus cash could go to charity! #everyones a winner.

And OP I think calling you a bum licker is harsh. Just ignore the name calling 😃

jennielou75 · 22/07/2016 15:00

Oh and it is different from school to school. I still have a picture drawn by a pupil and her dad with a hand written poem that they framed for me. One very precious gift was from a little girl who gave me an obviously very well used toy rabbit in case I needed a cuddle. She disappeared shortly afterwards as her family was taken into protective custody. Every gift is appreciated whether an object or kind words.