AIBU to expect a thank you for teacher gifts?

[katydid2]

Today is my son's last day at the nursery school where he has spent the past three years. Last week, I gave his teacher what I thought was a very generous thank you gift: a silver-plated picture frame, a voucher for a manicure and pedicure at an expensive spa near the school, and a heartfelt written note with a picture my son drew. I also gave the head teacher an expensive bottle of champagne and a Diptyque candle.

As it's my son's last year, I wanted to give the other teachers and teaching assistants a little gift as well, so I gave them each a goody bag filled with good chocolates, nice hand cream, and a card my son signed. I realised that my gifts were perhaps not the most original or exciting, but I wanted to give each teacher a little something.

Out of the 10 people to whom I gave gifts, two thanked me. The others, including my son's teacher and head teacher, have said not one single word. I don't expect a parade or applause, but a simple thank you would be nice. I don't even expect a hand-written thank-you note (though I always write them), but again some sort of acknowledgement would be nice.

We do live in a very affluent area, but we are not rich. I am a SAHM, we are saving to buy a house, and we spend most of our disposable income on our children's education. Perhaps the teachers are accustomed to getting more expensive gifts and were disappointed with my gifts!? I am genuinely baffled, bemused befuddled, and if I'm honest, very hurt. Am I being too sensitive?

Laminated cash!?! Do they can't use it? What a wank gift? "I'm so rich I laminate money for your wall..."

I also don't agree with pp saying the value of your gift is what definitely deserves a thank you. Surely all do as its manners. I'm sure some high value gifts or personal messages are treasured more though

I find it harsh to describe the OP's choice of gifts as 'Cringey' - she has spent more than I have but its all relative isn't it?

I did little bags for all of dc2 and 3's nursery at xmas. Small bag with little diary, pen and chocolate in. Lots of them came up to me personally to say thank you after Xmas.

I'm afraid I agree with mouldy, I've never heard of such ostentatious over the top gifts in my life! Especially if you struggle to afford that. Why do people do this? Are they trying to make their child a favourite or something?

A heatfelt thanks for all the teacher has done along with a small gift is all that is needed. Spending ££££ on a teacher and a HT is just embarrassing I think.

At our school, the class reps collect money at beginning of the year which goes into a kitty from which teacher's presents for the whole year are bought (Christmas, summer etc).

The teacher therefore gets one gift from the class, bought by the rep with the kitty (rep often asks if anyone has suggestions for gift) usually value of around £100.

That's it. On top of that my DS gave a hand made card and note which the teacher and ta really liked. The system works really well, everyone is happy, no one spends too much, there's no competing and teachers aren't left with unwanted gifts.

OP, I think your intentions are good but the gifts sound very extravagant. i live in a very affluent area and DS is at a private school, I wouldn't dream of spending that much money on a teacher (especially if it was beyond my budget). I can't work out whether you want the thanks for the thought you put in or the money you spent - I suspect it's both. Next time however, you might feel less offended if you give a gift which means less to you (but can still mean a lot to the teacher). Perhaps involve your child more in the making or selection of it. We all live and learn, better to regret the things you've done than the things you haven't!

I don't expect a thank you for teachers gifts, we are giving them the gift as a thank you to them and the only time I really care about receiving a thank you card is when I am not sure if the recipient actually received the gift (ie if its posted). That being said, DS's teacher gave him a lovely handwritten card saying thank you for the present and he was really pleased to get a card.. so if the teachers take the time to do this, I think it is a nice thing and also I suppose a good lesson in manners for the children!

Ds1 (yr6) wrote a card for his teacher, his own words, thanking her and Ds2 (reception) made and wrote cards for his teacher and ta's. Why would you expect a thank you for your thank-you?

Wow that is very ott, you spend a lot of money, feel really bad with my, chocolates and teacher mug for ds nursery teacher and TAs, they all thanked me btw.

Yanbu it is very rude and inpolite not to thank, next time don't bother.

also gave the head teacher an expensive bottle of champagne and a Diptyque candle

whaaaaaat! that's a crazy amount of cash. no wonder you are miffed!

spend less

This isn't a new thing @Salmotrutta! I went to school in early 90s and my parents always encouraged me to get gifts for the teachers (even the mean ones!), and I remember decent piles of stuff on their desks, although they were more like chocolate oranges and the like, back then, not spa days. When I was doing distance learning A levels (mid/late 00's?), I still sent my tutors gifts in the post, and a gift to one when they had a baby. I was told years later that they still have it, which was lovely :)

I live in a so called "affluent" area but with 5kids and rapidly diminishing patience the teacher n assistants got 99p teacher pens! She said thank u to the child which is more than sufficient! Use ur money to save for ur house rather than spend it on strangers!

I think people should give only what they can afford, and am certain that Teachers feel this too and are equally appreciative as it genuinely is the thought that counts here. OP, it seems to me that you have overspent trynig to keeo up with others, and I would chalk that up as a lesson learned for the future, better to have learned it now than in several years time, dont beat yourself up.

This year I got my two (age 5 and 8) to make handmade cards and DD age 8 to write a personal thank-you letter inside as well as she has had the same teacher for 2 years, and said teacher has been an amazing support and helped her overcome crippling anxiety in a variety of ways both during class and outside school hours. I also put a £10- waterstones voucher in the cards so spent £40 all in all (2 teachers, 2 permanent TAs).

In my area £40 would probably be seen as extravagant, however this is what I can very comfortably afford, I hope the teachers were not embarrassed by the amount.

Thank you, all. I am a piece of sh!t, reckless, spendthrift, ridiculous, laughable person who has condemned her children to a life of penury to buy cringe-worthy, embarrassing gifts to 'keep up with the joneses' and expects fawning, gushing praise in return. I hope you revel in your moral superiority and feel wonderful for making a person feel like a worthless human being and horrible person, when she was asking for genuine feedback on what she thought was a simple question about manners.

I bet they say thank you at pick up today. 😂

Oh no. I was just about to say how in your last post you were able to look at your own traits and thought process objectively which in itself is a trait I admire but now you've posted that! It's so extreme from being rational. Try to let your rational side out more! You would get so much backlash from others and you'll be easier on yourself

OP, you've had a crap time on here.

Yes, they absolutely should acknowledge the gifts. I can be awful at handing over presents "oh it's just a little thing" etc etc so I wonder if that sort of thinking fed into your decision to leave some of the gifts in the staff room? I think they should be handed over in a quiet moment (not always possible I know) so you are certain that they were received.

You are not a piece of s* or any of the other nasty things that have been said on here. Next time you see these people, stop them, say you hope they enjoy their break, confirm that they received the gifts. That is their moment to express thanks or otherwise make clear why you may not have heard. If they fail to take that opportunity - then be annoyed! I would be!

I took flowers to my teachers in the 70's and early 80's (picked from my nanna's garden)|

the male teachers got nothing.

So you handed the gift to the teacher, and she took and said nothing - that is very weird.

Sexist

OP, I'm sorry you are taking this so badly, I personally had intended for my message to be a) supportive and b) provide some insight into what others spend (as I have learned myself from numerous "what gift are you getting for the Teachers this year" threads over the last few years).

Please dont let this get to you so much, it's not worth this much emotion

It's difficult to be rational when so many are questioning how I spend my money and implying I cannot afford to buy a house because I bought a few teacher presents apparently perceived as ridiculously extravagant. I am trying to stop reading these posts but am finding it like a car crash. I find it difficult to fathom that so many people are so cruel. I never said we could not afford the gifts. Are there perhaps better ways to spend my money? Yes. Do I regret having spent so much? Reading these reactions, yes. However, I never expected such vitriolic replies to what, again, was for me a genuine question about manners. Many posters raised genuine points that made me reconsider my initial reaction, but I am finding it very difficult to stomach the vitriol from other posters.

A simple, 'Perhaps you spent too much money on the gifts. There is no need to be so generous next time,' would suffice.

You have lots of teachers in the family who all said YWNBU.
So surely the point of posting here wasn't to look for genuine opinion, but to enjoy everyone agreeing with you?
Which is why you've taken it rather badly that they haven't.

Btw, immune as I seem to be to Dyptique marketing, anyone else think of QVC "diamonique" when they hear it? It's a combination of dipshit and diamonique, for me.

I've only read first and last page, so apologies if this appeared in the middle somewhere.

There have been suggestions that the teacher might post a thank you? I'm pretty sure that use of a pupil's address for a personal note would be against data protection guidelines. Sure, it's hardly a big ethical dilemma, but rules are rules, and dp is a biggy for anyone working with children.

Sorry OP, if I offended you with my comment. My comment was definitely not meant to criticise the fact that you do not own a house. Of course not-whether you own a property or not has no bearing on your parenting ability or your status as a human being. It was aimed at the many hundreds of pounds you decided to spend on gifts and listing them all on here (including brand names) did seem a little vulgar and unnecessary when many people are struggling financially. You then were at pains to say you were not affluent yourself and were trying to buy a house (yet had hundreds to spend) so I questioned that.

But in response to your question, of course the polite thing is to thank the gift-giver, but it can be difficult if you do not hand them over in person. If things were put in the staff-room, could it be that the teachers haven't picked them up yet?