AIBU to expect a thank you for teacher gifts?

[katydid2]

Today is my son's last day at the nursery school where he has spent the past three years. Last week, I gave his teacher what I thought was a very generous thank you gift: a silver-plated picture frame, a voucher for a manicure and pedicure at an expensive spa near the school, and a heartfelt written note with a picture my son drew. I also gave the head teacher an expensive bottle of champagne and a Diptyque candle.

As it's my son's last year, I wanted to give the other teachers and teaching assistants a little gift as well, so I gave them each a goody bag filled with good chocolates, nice hand cream, and a card my son signed. I realised that my gifts were perhaps not the most original or exciting, but I wanted to give each teacher a little something.

Out of the 10 people to whom I gave gifts, two thanked me. The others, including my son's teacher and head teacher, have said not one single word. I don't expect a parade or applause, but a simple thank you would be nice. I don't even expect a hand-written thank-you note (though I always write them), but again some sort of acknowledgement would be nice.

We do live in a very affluent area, but we are not rich. I am a SAHM, we are saving to buy a house, and we spend most of our disposable income on our children's education. Perhaps the teachers are accustomed to getting more expensive gifts and were disappointed with my gifts!? I am genuinely baffled, bemused befuddled, and if I'm honest, very hurt. Am I being too sensitive?

Of course they should say thank you! Doesn't matter how much or how little you spent a simple verbal thank you is just common courtesy ! YANBU

I think the OP lives in a super-affluent area of London which is out of the imagination of most ordinary people. However, to the vast majority of posters, the OP herself is also incredibly wealthy (although she may not feel wealthy compared to the other parents) which is why this post has gone down badly. OP, many of the people who have posted have a total combined household income of less (often much less) than £40,000, just to put it in context (gross, not net). That's why if you had posted it in a different section of the site, the reaction would not have been the same. Nobody is saying that you are shit, but maybe if you occupy a super-affluent world, it's easy to forget exactly how different that is to the 'norm'.

As for it being expected to give ridiculous gifts (probably chosen by the staff of the parents rather than the parents themselves), why don't you try bucking the trend? What would honestly happen if you didn't? Doesn't sound like these teachers particularly appreciate them anyway. I do hope you get your thank you soon though.

When did saying 'Thank you' with a gift, which itself requires thanks, become a thing anyway? It is embarrassing to receive, especially when out of proportion to the original reason for thanks.

My children's primary school issued a newsletter years ago asking parents not to buy anything for the teachers, not even a card, however children's handmade gifts and cards were acceptable, but by no means expected.

Given the number of teachers and assistants on here who have said that their most cherished gifts and cards were the simplest ones, perhaps that's a message we should all take on board.

OP, some opinions may have been harshly expressed but I'm glad this thread has given you food for thought.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a thank you, but of course this being MN you screwed yourself by implicitly mentioning the value of the gifts

Whispering

There was nothing "implicit" about it. She specified exactly what she bought.

I don't think she's boasting, or anything, but

the monetary value of the gifts has something to do with the degree of her upset

Of course they should thank you. Given your DS' age even more important to acknowledge as he cannot pass on thanks. Rude not to.

Really, a Thank You that leaves the recipient beholden to the giver is not much of a Thank You.

I would expect a teacher to say thank you to the child at the time and that's it.

However, if the little ones give gifts like they used to in the Play School Nativity play (hurling them into Baby Jesus' cot) then I don't expect the teacher stands much of a chance.

Yes I agree YANBU to expect a thank you, however, bare in mind that if you left gifts in the staff room they may not have even opened them, or looked to see who has or hasn't given gifts. They perhaps will not even get the chance until in a few days time. I know if it were me it would be something I'd want to do at home, especially if the gifts were wrapped, imagine a dozen teachers all opening gifts in the staff room?

If you don't get one then it's a shame, but perhaps next time try and give them in person so they can thank you there and then.

I'm shocked at the extravagance of gifts, though, I have to say and it did seem like a bit of a stealth boast...

So you ask for opinions and then sulk when they're not what you want to hear?
Sensitive much?!
This thread is mild, there's nothing that is even reportable!!
Read some of the EU/MIL threads and then come back and post a response rationally

I never gave any of my teachers a gift. They get paid for it, that's enough. I think this whole present giving nonsense is, well, nonsense. At most, a box of Roses for all the teachers to share.

I'm a nurse, I wouldn't expect my patients to give me a gift. In fact our code of conduct only allows us to accept trivial gifts, so the box of Roses for me to share with my colleagues at the most. I certainly wouldn't be allowed to accept the kind of gifts you gave.

Quality streets and better than roses. Just saying.

Heros?

spidey makes a good point. I wonder why it's become ritual to give teachers gifts? I guess most feel obliged to do so, when really, they're just doing the job they're paid to do.

I do understand teachers get a pretty shit time though, but so do lots of other professionals, who I imagine don't get such lavish gifts, some of whom risk life and limb doing their jobs!

Both my DDs teachers sent an email to all parents just after pick-up today giving a blanket thanks for all the cards, flowers and gifts they received, and wishing us all a wonderful holiday.

Did the trick nicely I think.

Op, the gifts you gave were extremely expensive and excessive, it sounds as though you cannot really afford to do this, I would rather pay that towards a family holiday. Next time little token gifts given to the teacher yourself.

notyoda of course it was implicit: the value of the gifts was implied by mentioning what they were. Had she been explicit she'd have stated I bought a Diptyque candle worth £50

Just googled Diptyque candle, in JL £42 for a blooming candle your having a laugh!

Whispering

Aaagh

Why did she mention the make of candle? Stop being deliberately obtuse.

Whispering

As Aeroflot shows, if you read Grazia you'll know what a DIptyque candle is, of you don't, the supplied name is easily googleable

the op mentioned it because it was a nice, famous, expensive candle to her

I am surprised at people's reactions... I do agree with you, it was rude of the staff not to thank you for your presents.

(although I think your presents are perhaps a little too much? I would have felt uncomfortable getting those for simply doing my job)

At my kids' primary there was always a note on the last newsletter of term thanking parents for gifts. With so much to do at the end of the year teachers just don't have time to talk to everyone

I think the time should be when you hand over the gift- if you hand it over and say "this is for you as a thanks for everything you've done this year, Timmy has really enjoyed being in your class and we've really appreciated all you've done- especially watching the school play! It was brilliant!" And then they don't say thank you at the handover, they're rude twats and you're right to be put out.

If things are just handed over without any kind of conversation, it would be so hard to keep track of who has given what and who you said thank you to. If it's too busy to have that conversation at drop off, do it at pick up.

Expecting a thank you as you hand over a gift is not unreasonable.

With 5 children, only one of whom is still in primary, I've only ever received a specific "thank you" for an end of year gift, once! Hand over a wrapped gift, teacher says "thank you" - there may be a generic "thank you for all the lovely cards and gifts" to the class as a whole. That's it. I don't see it as an issue.

It is possible that staff would have to return such generous gifts.

This is a quite standard rule.
Small bag chockies YES, £50 candle NO

1. Gifts

Staff should be aware of their Authority's guidance and/or school's policy including arrangements for the declaration of gifts received and given. It is against the law for public servants to take bribes. Staff need to take care that they do not accept any gift that might be construed as a bribe by others, or lead the giver to expect preferential treatment. There are occasions when children or parents wish to pass small tokens of appreciation to staff eg at Christmas or as a thank-you and this is acceptable. However, it is unacceptable to receive gifts on a regular basis or of any significant value.