AIBU to expect a thank you for teacher gifts?

[katydid2]

Today is my son's last day at the nursery school where he has spent the past three years. Last week, I gave his teacher what I thought was a very generous thank you gift: a silver-plated picture frame, a voucher for a manicure and pedicure at an expensive spa near the school, and a heartfelt written note with a picture my son drew. I also gave the head teacher an expensive bottle of champagne and a Diptyque candle.

As it's my son's last year, I wanted to give the other teachers and teaching assistants a little gift as well, so I gave them each a goody bag filled with good chocolates, nice hand cream, and a card my son signed. I realised that my gifts were perhaps not the most original or exciting, but I wanted to give each teacher a little something.

Out of the 10 people to whom I gave gifts, two thanked me. The others, including my son's teacher and head teacher, have said not one single word. I don't expect a parade or applause, but a simple thank you would be nice. I don't even expect a hand-written thank-you note (though I always write them), but again some sort of acknowledgement would be nice.

We do live in a very affluent area, but we are not rich. I am a SAHM, we are saving to buy a house, and we spend most of our disposable income on our children's education. Perhaps the teachers are accustomed to getting more expensive gifts and were disappointed with my gifts!? I am genuinely baffled, bemused befuddled, and if I'm honest, very hurt. Am I being too sensitive?

Clearly I am too sensitive

Yes, I'm afraid you are OP.

Another thought: maybe the teacher was embarassed by your gift, if she found it excessive.

Honestly. If you wanted a thank you for your thank you you should have gone round and handed them out yourself.

It's probable the teachers have no idea who the gifts are from and haven't opened them yet - until after the end of term. Coming from a family of teachers you should know that!! They are probably on a table in the classroom. Or may have got as far as a corner at home, to be dealt with when school is over!
In my experience teachers sniff out the wine and worry about the rest of it a few days later!

Or even the fact that you have gone so OTT - perhaps the teachers are embarrassed to acknowledge what you have given them in front of others.

This sounds like show-off-ery to me. The candle brand-name dropping, the mention that the spa is expensive, the quantity of presents bought.

It sounds like you bought them to get a lot of profuse thanking and gushing, and are miffed.

I got ours a nice candle and bar of chocolate, but included a heartfelt card in each. Did not expect anything back. As it happens I went for end of term drinks with one of the nursery staff and she said my card had made them cry haha. Oops. Would be mortified if they all felt the need to seek every gift-giver out and thank them. That's not why I and presumably most give end of term gifts.

I am so retraining as a teacher!

Yanbu but would tend to agree that the child was prob thanked and end of term and pick up/drop off time is chaotic so I wouldn't read into it either as ingratitude x

Is dyptique like an over-priced White Company candle? Genuinely never heard of them! (Not a dig btw but you make it sound like I should know lol)

I'm thinking that the end of term must be hugely busy for the teachers and staff and they have lots of loose ends to clear up before the long holiday. I'm sure they are grateful (I would be!) but probably just so limited with time and have a high list of priorities that it may slip thier mind. Or maybe they are embarrassed at the generosity of your gifts?

"Tinydancer, why on earth are you not allowed to accept the gifts? That seems a little mean spirited of the school."

I'm not TD, obvs, but I can imagine it's to avoid accusations of favouritism. Let's face it, parents shelling out £100s on extravagant 'teacher gifts' are going to be first in the queue next term pointing out how much they spent when Darling Little Tallulah doesn't get the lead in the school play or gets a B in Classical Languages.

They're not thanking. They think they're investing.

Yes it does seem quite showey off to mention the brands and how much you bought. Could have easily said "I bought presents for all the staff as DS is leaving, AIBU to expect them to have thanked me?" No need for the extensive list of expensive items at all.

I think a thank you to the child is fine, presumably it's from them anyway. I did get thank yous from the teachers/TA that my DCs gave to and I did appreciate it, they also did make a point thanking me and telling me how much they loved it but I would ha e been fine if it had only been said to the DCs as ultimately they presents are from them.

BUT DID YOU HAND THEM OVER YOURSELF AND DID THEY SAY THANK YOU AT THAT TIME? You seem to be struggling to answer that one.

Ok so maybe in that area she wasn't "bowled" over. Guess I am reeling at the thought of the champagne never mind the rest!

Purple 52
Spot on! Re the wine.
Yes, might have been embarrassed or maybe just making sure that little Johnny had his, coat, indoor shoes, pictures and was handed to correct adult and forgot.
Lorelei
Believe me you need the wine!
I received a bottle of rose this year I will enjoy that late after I have recovered from night out.
Don't become one in a farming area you might get the chicks!

Who'd be a teacher these days? If it's not parents hassling them because they didn't give their child the lead in the play, it's parents slagging them off for not fawning over them giving them presents which pretty much every teacher I know says they don't want (and we never gave them when I was at school, he says, being an old 42 - it just didn't happen).

I work in preschool, we write thank you cards to everyone on the last day of term and post them so they're delivered by the postman. I'd say give it time, if you don't receive a thank you card hopefully the staff have thanked your child.

My daughters teacher got a Costa gift card, because she'll need a caffeine fix after having my daughter for a year.

Don't spend so much next time.
For nursery I'm getting a thorntons hamper and a flower my son will be growing over the next few weeks.

I ended up with 17 boxes of chocolate several bottles of wine and cider! Lush bath bombs a few mugs and jars of coffee! Pot plants and flowers! I love all my gifts as they are me - coffee drinking chocolate eating alcoholic! However what meant more was the messages in the cards about how their children loved being in my class and had done so well. Oh and I thanked the children if they handed me the present or the parents if it was them.

As a teacher, I often have this debate.
It can be very tricky at the end of term to even keep track of what you have been given and by which child - some forget to name them or the tags fall off. The end of term is always ridiculously busy and you have so much to think of. Some years I have tried to make a note of who gave what so I could write them notes, even going as far as trying to write them on the last day while the children are tidying their desks. The issue I have with this is that some children genuinely can't afford to give a gift (or their parents don't want to) and I feel uncomfortable giving thank you cards out to just some children.
Another idea I have seen is a typed, generic thank you for each child in the class, which seems insincere and pointless, and again awkward for those who were unable to give.
At the end of the day, the gift is to say thank you to the teacher for their help, so a verbal 'thank you' when it is handed over by the child should suffice.

Thank you to those of you (especially the teachers) who wrote genuine replies and raised excellent points. Yes, I will confess to a tendency to assume the worst, instead of recognising that teachers are busy (especially at the end of the year) or perhaps don't want to embarrass other parents or perhaps are planning to write thank you notes later (though as I said, I certainly don't expect them). Admittedly, some gifts I placed in the staff room, so as you say, it's possible they haven't yet opened them or particularly paid attention to whom they're from, and others I handed to the teachers in a bit of a rush, which means they didn't really have a chance to thank me at the time.

And yes, I will confess to a certain amount of neediness and self-centredness.

Others of you are simply vile people, who should think about the consequences of saying such hurtful things. Just because you are writing them anonymously online does not mean that they are not being read by a real person. Thank you thisisafakename, for making me feel spend-thrift and irresponsible for not owning a house. You do not know how I otherwise spend my money, or what my overall financial circumstances are. I was treating my children's teachers (and note that the only 'extravagant' gifts I bought were for my son's individual teacher and the head teacher) to gifts I spent a lot of time thinking about. And whether you think it's ridiculous or not, it is expected in my area. As I left the school this morning, I saw bags from Charbonnel e Walker, enormous bouquets of flowers, and expensive bottles of champagne.

Your gift was a thankyou to the teacher, like others have said where does it stop? Child gives card or present, teacher says thankyou as it is given. That's the end of the transaction.

I imagine teachers are busy enough at the end of term without having to keep track of who gave what. Then make sure a specific thanks is given after the present being physically received. It's like giving the teacher yet another job, which is wierd in the context that you are trying to say thankyou for all their hard work.

Don't give expensive gifts in the future. The teachers are probably sighing under the weight of candles and vouchers for "pampering" they may weĺl hate.

Your OP sounds like fodder for next weeks Wright Stuff or Daily Fail article What with all the specific listings of expensive teacher gifts.

Wow that's a very generous gift you should definately expect a thank you IMO. My 3 kids have 2 teachers each and they got a box of celebrations each, I don't expect a thank you 😂

Someone mentioned Costa gift card, I am banking that idea for the future.

This has just made me v worried. I received some lovely gifts at the end of term 3weeks ago now. I smiled and said thank you to giver at the time, usually the child, although my arms were full and I still had to bring in a class of P2 children. No, I did not seek individual parents out, either then or after school, as it was chaotic.
I very much appreciate these gifts, but neither expect nor think they are necessary.
I plan to write little cards for those I can remember, but I might forget/offend by muddling up the presents etc.
Why des a nice gesture have to carry such implications, it surely takes awa from the spirit of the gift. As an aside, I give each child n my class an end of term gift, and various throughout the year, do not expect thank you for that, but I love it when a child does say TY, so can understand the feeling.

My children go to school in a very wealthy area and many of their friends, although not rich are extremely wealthy. I always participate in the group gift but am probably the one who contributes the least given that we are not wealthy in the slightest. They often write a card or in this instance my daughter wrote a poem for which the teacher thanked her and I. Don't feel under pressure to keep up with everyone else and then if for some reason there isn't a thank you then you won't feel so hurt. I can imagine some of the staff find it quite awkward when receiving such expensive gifts. One of the teachers in our school was once handed a wad of cash (well over £300) which was laminated in the shape of a fan! He was so embarrassed.

Op you are trying to keep up with the joneses and you can't afford it. You bought these gifts so that you could be seen to be wealthy like the other parents. The reality is you spent hundreds of pounds that would have been better saved for a home for your family. I can see why you are over invested in this and want thanks. You made a bad spending decision. Learn from it and don't try to keep up with wealthier people again. A heartfelt message in a card and a small gift would have been fine.

mouldycheesefan Eurgh, how patronising. Read that post back to yourself and feel ashamed.

Not at all ashamed!