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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect a thank you for teacher gifts?

399 replies

katydid2 · 22/07/2016 09:52

Today is my son's last day at the nursery school where he has spent the past three years. Last week, I gave his teacher what I thought was a very generous thank you gift: a silver-plated picture frame, a voucher for a manicure and pedicure at an expensive spa near the school, and a heartfelt written note with a picture my son drew. I also gave the head teacher an expensive bottle of champagne and a Diptyque candle.

As it's my son's last year, I wanted to give the other teachers and teaching assistants a little gift as well, so I gave them each a goody bag filled with good chocolates, nice hand cream, and a card my son signed. I realised that my gifts were perhaps not the most original or exciting, but I wanted to give each teacher a little something.

Out of the 10 people to whom I gave gifts, two thanked me. The others, including my son's teacher and head teacher, have said not one single word. I don't expect a parade or applause, but a simple thank you would be nice. I don't even expect a hand-written thank-you note (though I always write them), but again some sort of acknowledgement would be nice.

We do live in a very affluent area, but we are not rich. I am a SAHM, we are saving to buy a house, and we spend most of our disposable income on our children's education. Perhaps the teachers are accustomed to getting more expensive gifts and were disappointed with my gifts!? I am genuinely baffled, bemused befuddled, and if I'm honest, very hurt. Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 23/07/2016 02:27

I thank the child when they bring the gift in. The gift is from the child, not the parents. Thanking the parent would be like expecting a child to write to the parent's of the child who attended their birthday party with a gift. As parents, we take on the responsibility for gift buying/wrapping when they are too young to do it themselves, but the thanks should be to the child.

Bear in mind, that teachers are usually being handed gifts at the start or end of a busy day, and generally, in front of the rest of the class. This is why I don't open any gift in front of my students, as we have a real socio-economic mix, and some gifts can be quite extravagant. Gifts get opened usually a few days later when I get around to cleaning out the car, because after the last day of school I just want to get home and chill out (unless I see a bottle in a gift bag, in which case it's likely to get opened that night!).

I do send a personal letter to each student a few weeks after school finishes, not to thank them for the gifts, but to thank them for being in my class, and usually add a few photos of them from the year. Feedback from that is that the kids love receiving them.

Alasalas2 · 23/07/2016 02:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

genericusername1 · 23/07/2016 03:43

They are so so busy at the end of term and get handed gifts left right and centre, it must be so hard to keep track of who gave them what! We gave wine and chocolates and they said thank you to the dcs when they handed the presents over but that was it and I wouldn't expect anything more tbh. I really hope they don't post out thank you cards, I would hate to think I had given them even more to do when they should be relaxing getting pissed they have been fantastic and I wanted to give them a little something to say thanks not with the expectation of anything in return Hmm

xOdessax · 23/07/2016 04:09

Gosh, I'd never even thought of the teacher thanking me for my child's gift to her!!
The gift is from my child so as long as the child is thanked by the teacher that is absolutely fine in my book.

WhisperingLoudly · 23/07/2016 04:10

Yesterday 15:54 NotYoda

notyoda

the op mentioned it because it was a nice, famous, expensive candle to her I'm not disagreeing Hmm but by mentioning the brand the price was implied Stating this is not being obtuse it's what the word implicit means Confused

If you're going to pick apart my use of words perhaps check your own understanding first eh?

Thelyingbitchandthewardrobe · 23/07/2016 04:26

When receiving teacher gifts I thank the child. I'm not in nursery so I wouldn't actually recognise the parents of a lot of my pupils anyway.
Honestly, I would prefer not to have gifts as I'll genuinely too busy to write thank you notes.
I like a nice smile from the kids and a 'have a good holiday' - I can say the same to them and then we can all go home!

ElaineVintage · 23/07/2016 04:58

I can't actually believe that this madness goes on. £100 on the headteacher FFS!

A thank you card is more than enough!

Give you're head a wobble, OP, Please!

Snazarooney · 23/07/2016 05:09

Teachers post thank you cards to the children because they know how much children generally love receiving post!

NotYoda · 23/07/2016 05:50

Whispering

So, we appear to be agreeing, then
Goodo

GruffaloPants · 23/07/2016 06:14

World gone mad.

I spent a grand total of £5.50 on nursery gifts (box of Thorntons Moments for everyone plus mini praline boxes for key workers). They said thank you to DD in my vicinity. Job done. No need for formal appreciation.

Though DP did grumble that I'd spent too much (there were cards as well...).

Maybe they were expecting a £150 spend? Doubt it. But DD has left now anyway Grin

PurpleCrazyHorse · 23/07/2016 06:38

Of course a verbal thank you for any sized gift is polite and in more normal circumstances expected.

For a teacher handed a number of gifts at the door while getting children in, dealing with parent queries and the usual hubbub going on at 8:45, I can understand only getting a rushed thank you on taking them.

I baked mini gingerbread men, put some in little bags for DD's teacher and TA, then left a big box for the staff room. A rushed thanks at the door was all that was acknowledged. A busy time to hand them over but DD did say her teacher ate several at break time!

It doesn't really bother me as I know DD's teacher isn't rude (she's lovely), I know it was just busyness and being over-run with gifts. I also didn't spend a lot (under £10 for ingredients) so it doesn't hurt. If I'd spent a lot of money I would probably feel the same as you.

Roussette · 23/07/2016 07:25

If I'd spent a lot of money I would probably feel the same as you

This is exactly it.

Just don't spend such ridiculous amounts and honestly you won't be so peeved next time.

IllMetByMoonlight · 23/07/2016 07:32

Rousette, I am not saying that such expensive gifts are necessary as gratuities for any group, but I was suggesting that Mooey89 was out of line for insinuating that nursery staff in particular do not deserve them.

green18 · 23/07/2016 07:35

Please be assured that teachers and TAs really do appreciate your gifts. I really don't expect them and feel a bit embarrassed really because I get paid. A card or picture from the child is what I really treasure and keep.If you'd really like to buy something then a single box of chocs or biscuits for the staff room is a much cheaper and much appreciated gift that all staff can enjoy in our breaks.

Bookeatingboy · 23/07/2016 09:09

My ds took a gift in yesterday for his CT, she thanked him and gave him a big hug. Even though it was me who bought the gifts, they were from him so I didn't expect a thank you (I did get one though).

DailyMailPenisPieces · 23/07/2016 09:21

OP - you were really generous and I hope the teachers show good manners in thanking you.

Your area sounds exhausting. Have you ever thought about not doing what the others do? I'd bet a few other nice mums would sigh a big sigh of relief and probably befriend you too.

Mummaaaaaah · 23/07/2016 09:22

Think you've had a rough time of it on here OP. But that's because I think reading your post probably sounded different in meaning to how you meant it. If you get my drift.

That said we live in an affluent part of the country, all give £20 to the class rep at the beginning of term and they do all the gifts. Or so I thought. Turned out that on prize giving day all the parents were there with separate gifts for DS's teacher. Hmm. Admittedly just a box of chocolates but I'd wish I'd known they all did that as we really appreciated what the teacher had done during the year for DS (really went extra mile) and would have liked to be at least in line with the norm. Oh well. Reading what teachers on here have put I think I'll work with DS on a nice handmade card as a personal thank you from him and mail it in to the school.

We also then chipped in for flowers for class rep as they did a lot during the year. But I thought that was pretty fair.

We tend to get handwritten notes or emails half way through the summer to say a quick thanks. I think that's only polite. But then they do only have 12 per class.

Headteacher? No surely not until DC are leaving.

Roussette · 23/07/2016 09:22

Moonlight well that's a whole other discussion isn't it... should nursery staff get the same sort of present as primary or secondary teachers. They all work hard that's for sure.

It's just the ridiculousness of a £50 Diptque candle, silver photo frame and manicure and pedicure for a nursery teacher. It just sounds plain daft.

gingerboy1912 · 23/07/2016 09:28

I am flabbergasted that the op bought ten people presents at the end of term Shock and what the hell is a diptyque candle??

Op the gift for your sons teacher should of been choosen with him imo it should of cost a few pounds at most and been something he was involved in. You sound like you were looking for praise and appreciation for the gifts which isn't really the point of gift giving.

Ragwort · 23/07/2016 09:55

Out of interest, has any parent ever been handed back a gift from a person working in a school because they werent allowed to accept it? I have never heard of that and I cant imagine it happening!

I know that at the last Primary school my DS attended all gifts had to be 'pooled' in the staff room and if teachers wanted anything then they would have to make a financial contribution to the PTA before they were allowed to take anything home. All this was done discretely of course so that most parents were not aware. Unwanted gifts went to the PTA as raffle prizes etc. Chocolates and biscuits were shared out in the staff room. (I know this as I was involved in the PTA). To be fair to the Head, she really tried hard to discourage present giving from parents .......... with little effect.

IllMetByMoonlight · 23/07/2016 11:07

The funniest gift I got yesterday was a "magazine" created by a pupil, complete with a flattering portrait of me on the cover need all the help I can get after this week, an article about a recent class trip said pupil had enjoyed, a rap detailing my strengths and shortcomings in the style of a school report, a "pull-out" certificate and a list of suggestions for songs to download for the summer. Totally charming.
Families express their appreciation in different ways, and there is heart in all of them.

hotdiggedy · 23/07/2016 11:50

Ragwort, that doesnt sound at all fair on the parents or the teachers! Imagine if parent x buys a present for the teacher she has thought highly of and spent time and effort choosing it only for it to be snapped up by the teacher she couldnt stand last year. And then getting teachers to pay for their gifts?? What on earth.

YesIcan · 23/07/2016 12:02

As I left the school this morning, I saw bags from Charbonnel e Walker, enormous bouquets of flowers, and expensive bottles of champagne.

OP you live in a different world to me. I'm assuming you saw these gifts in the parents hands. Try not to get sucked into this game.

You meant well. Enjoy your Saturday with your family and don't give one more thought to hurtful posts.

YWNBU

Julie0210 · 23/07/2016 12:59

I never gave thank you gifts, teachers are paid to do their job - end of. I think it sets children up, those from less well off families are mocked when they give a less expensive gift. I used to teach teenage mums and this caused them a great deal of stress, they were struggling to feed their kids without worrying about buying unnecessary gifts for relatively affluent professionals. I'd say stop anything other than home made thank you cards from the child.

green18 · 23/07/2016 13:10

I never gave thank you gifts, teachers are paid to do their job - end of. I think it sets children up, those from less well off families are mocked when they give a less expensive gift. I used to teach teenage mums and this caused them a great deal of stress, they were struggling to feed their kids without worrying about buying unnecessary gifts for relatively affluent professionals. I'd say stop anything other than home made thank you cards from the child.
As a TA who receives many gifts at Christmas and end of year, I agree with you. I really would rather parents didn't feel the need.My DDs are now at secondary school and so I know longer worry but I used to feel pressure, from myself mainly!