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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry that DP is not up to the job of SAHD :(

165 replies

midlifehope · 21/07/2016 17:09

So, I went back to work a few weeks ago, and my Dear mother and father have been doing the childcare for my DS who's 4 1/2 and on school hols and my DS who is 10 months old. They went back yesterday as DP's temporary work contract has finished so he is free to be a SAHD (he doesn't want to look for another job at present so I have to pay the mortgage).

I am willing to give him a chance and realise he's bound to do it differently to me, they've apparently had a nice morning out, but I came back at 4pm, to find, older ds in his underpants in front of the TV, the hob still on low in the kitchen (!!!), dog poo left on back step where it was this morning, dp asleep upstairs (!!!) and baby ds asleep awkwardly in his cot, widthways rather than lengthways, meaning a cot bar had indented his head leaving a ridge and a red mark on his head (now slowly fading).

I don't know if I can do this. He also was a SAHD for DS 1 which resulted in DS having too much screen time (left there a few hrs at a time) and one terrible occasion in which DP left DS asleep in his car and went in and fell asleep - I was only alerted when a social worker walked past and contacted my neighbour who called me and I rushed home....

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 21/07/2016 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mycraneisfixed · 21/07/2016 21:24

You love your kids and you love your job and you can have both but you need to dump the hanger-on and sort out reliable childcare.

Buggers · 21/07/2016 21:26

He sounds incredibly lazy. I really feel for you putting up with this.

Original poster
midlifehope · 21/07/2016 21:27

I'm going to have to pay for alternative, reliable childcare aren't I. I let the childminder I was going to use go after work cut my hours. I think I may have burned my bridges with her. I'm sad to take away the opportunity from dp, as he does love them, and he's 'trying', but grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

OP posts:
CPtart · 21/07/2016 21:27

Your parents' ability to help out or otherwise shouldn't come into it. They're his children not theirs. Thousands of people have no parental help. It's nothing to do with them.
He sounds more like a loser with each description. Thyroid problem like hell. He's bloody lazy! You're being taken for a mug here OP.

Buggers · 21/07/2016 21:30

Is there a chance his depressed? Not making excuses for him at all!

Original poster
midlifehope · 21/07/2016 21:50

nope, he's not depressed.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/07/2016 21:59

'I'm sad to take away the opportunity from dp,'

What opportunity? The opportunity to sit on his lazy backside and potentially injure or kill one of his kids?

You can't make him change. Stop trying and change you. Get reliable childcare, then cut him loose.

No more chances. You've given him too many and he's consistently fucked up.

MaudlinNamechange · 21/07/2016 22:08

I can't believe that some contrarian handmaidens are so determined to be a bitch to distraught OPs that they're pretending that all this crap is ok. Grow the fuck up, you lot.

LilacInn · 21/07/2016 22:09

Well, if he's not earning income and he's not providing childcare, why is he there? I'd be kicking him out, frankly. It sounds as though he needs to learn adulting. What age is he?

MaudlinNamechange · 21/07/2016 22:12

"When I questioned him about it, he got really defensive and started recording ME on his phone!"

What I am getting from this is that there is nothing you can do to change his behaviour. If you try to point out that he is wrong or mistaken about the way he is doing this (or not doing it, rather) he will use this as "evidence " that you are mad. This is abusive.

for all we know, this is how his parents "looked after" him. Times have changed, 70s and 80s parenting was abominable, often. However, most mothers are in tune enough with the wider social context of parenting - including being on mn ;) - that we have learnt or taught ourselves to do better. And if someone picked me up on some way I was letting my dcs down, my first response would not be to accuse them of insanity, but to examine my conscience.

He's awful, truly horrible and you will be exhausted if you stay with him. the problem you have is that if you leave him, he will still have responsibiltiy for the children at times. AND you will have to pay him to pull this shit. you need to find another solution and yes, I would start by getting him into a job.

PeggyMitchell123 · 21/07/2016 22:13

Not a chance in hell would I leave my kids with him. We all make mistakes as parents but he sounds neglectful. You do not leave your child in a car and piss off upstairs to sleep. Quite frankly I really don't understand why you would consider him as a sahd after that incident.

I would be paying with childcare and thinking about my relationship with a man you can't trust to take proper care of his own children.

buffalogrumble · 21/07/2016 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenLaBeefah · 21/07/2016 22:16

I have fairly low parenting standards but, my God, he sounds like a total liability.

Why is he filming you? Is he trying to be a SAHD so in the event of a split he would be seen as the resident parent? Is there a possibility that he has an ulterior motive?

Original poster
midlifehope · 21/07/2016 22:17

I like that term 'adulting'...... Lilac. It's like he can be responsible for 2/3ds of the day then it all gets too much and he pisses off to bed..... ffs

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifehope · 21/07/2016 22:18

No he wouldn't want to be the primary carer - honestly he couldn't take giving up the lifestyle / freedom he now has.

OP posts:
QueenLaBeefah · 21/07/2016 22:20

So he just wants an easy life? You are supposed to be a partnership. I was a SAHM for 5yrs and DH and I were supportive of each other. He is taking the piss out of you and your DCs.

george1020 · 21/07/2016 22:23

OP serious question, why are you with him?

Chippednailvarnishing · 21/07/2016 22:23

Well, if he's not earning income and he's not providing childcare, why is he there? I'd be kicking him out, frankly

Yup.

To be blunt, you are actually enabling him by staying with him. By allowing your children to grow up with such a dismissive, selfish, pig you are teaching them that this is how relationships work. I'm more shocked that you would consider paying for childcare whilst staying with a man who contributes nothing. Where's your self respect?

MaudlinNamechange · 21/07/2016 22:24

Well that's great, you can leave him then.
The lack of respect for you is really nasty. The main issue is, of course, the fact that he is neglecting the children and their welfare is at stake. but the secondary issue, about your relationship, is the lack of respect for you shown by:

  • thinking it is ok to unilaterally decide that you support him financially while he does nothing,
  • telling you he is being a SAHP while actually he is just SAH and the P bit isn't getting done, except the parts you can pick up when you get there after work
  • treating you as unstable when you object to this

None of this is workable with. He could go on a parenting course and become a better parent (if it were suggested by someone else but you; if you suggested it he would laugh and twirl his finger near his temple in the "nutter" sign). But you can't send him on a course to respect you and treat you decently. And that is not something you should live with.

george1020 · 21/07/2016 22:24

Posted too soon!

He doesn't seem to respect you, and wtf was the recording for?

Snog · 21/07/2016 22:39

It's patently unsafe to take a kip whilst in sole charge of a four year old.
I couldn't allow anyone to look after my child who thought this was acceptable behaviour.

This relationship doesn't sound like much of a partnership OP Sad

TimeforaNNChange · 21/07/2016 22:39

OP forgive me for prying, but your posts don't give the impression of an equal partnership. You and your DP seem to make unilateral decisions - him not to work, you to decide on childcare arrangements for your DCs.

You're not "a team" are you? His recording you suggests that there is mistrust and conflict - and certainly your posts reflect your frustration and resentment.

Is your relationship retrievable? You loved him enough to have a child with him, and enough to have a second, despite his flakiness as a SAHD for the first. Are you willing to work to get that back? If you are, then the next question is whether he is, too.

ImperialBlether · 21/07/2016 23:36

It's not free at all. It's costing you the whole of his wages.

Tbh after what you've described, I'd be very reluctant to leave the children with him for half an hour. There is no way in the world I'd have him as the SAHP. He sounds completely lazy and useless.

gingercat02 · 22/07/2016 08:05

I agree the sleeping while there is a non sleeping child in the house is s biggie. I leave a hob lit by accident fairly often Blush and DH puts it off. Neither of us are SAHP but we share holiday care. DH does it differently from me (too much screen time, not enough outside time , etc IMHO) but he doesn't do anything dangerous or neglectful.
I think some of this is you are resentful that you have to go to work and he gets to stay at home with the kids. Agree some basic ground rules and give him a chance to get it right.

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