To worry that DP is not up to the job of SAHD :(

[midlifehope]

So, I went back to work a few weeks ago, and my Dear mother and father have been doing the childcare for my DS who's 4 1/2 and on school hols and my DS who is 10 months old. They went back yesterday as DP's temporary work contract has finished so he is free to be a SAHD (he doesn't want to look for another job at present so I have to pay the mortgage).

I am willing to give him a chance and realise he's bound to do it differently to me, they've apparently had a nice morning out, but I came back at 4pm, to find, older ds in his underpants in front of the TV, the hob still on low in the kitchen (!!!), dog poo left on back step where it was this morning, dp asleep upstairs (!!!) and baby ds asleep awkwardly in his cot, widthways rather than lengthways, meaning a cot bar had indented his head leaving a ridge and a red mark on his head (now slowly fading).

I don't know if I can do this. He also was a SAHD for DS 1 which resulted in DS having too much screen time (left there a few hrs at a time) and one terrible occasion in which DP left DS asleep in his car and went in and fell asleep - I was only alerted when a social worker walked past and contacted my neighbour who called me and I rushed home....

[scarednoob]

If he were a nanny, and you found him behaving like this, what would you do?

You'd sack him so fast his head would spin.

Sorry he's being such a twat, it's not what you signed up for. But he either needs to get a job and contribute to child care or fuck off (and still get a job and contribute) as he clearly can't be trusted to do it right

[PoppyFleur]

then after a cigarette in the middle of the afternoon, he will invariably go for a lie down

What kind of cigarette OP? If it's the rizla type, you may have your answer to the tiredness.

[NedStarksHead]

Yeah this isn't normal parenting.

My DP is a SAHD and he terrible at it.

And when I say that, I mean his cleaning and housekeeping skills are absolutely atrocious but every day I come him our DD is bathed, fed, and more importantly safe.

This isn't being a bad SAHD this is really terrible parenting and one that needs sorted immediately.

[NedStarksHead]

I can't type today and that paragraph was full of mistakes, oops.

[AppleAndBlackberry]

Sleeping in the afternoon is not OK, and not really that normal, if he isn't staying up late I'd be wondering if he had a health problem. Hob thing is accidental, I've done it before, and babies do get into weird positions in their cots, but the sleeping thing is a concern.

[AmaDablam]

OK, I am a childcare professional and I have to say this is really, really concerning. Yes, we all make mistakes and if this was a one off awful day amongst mostly good quality parenting, that would be one thing. However if it continues on a daily basis it would most definitely be seen as neglect. Your DP's attitude when you confronted him about it indicates that he doesn't see there is a problem and is unwilling to change.

I'm also concerned that his need to sleep during the day indicates a physical or mental health problem, or even an issue with drink or drugs (not saying this to be offensive, just what springs to mind from professional experience) , which is incompatible with being left in sole charge of young children.

I'm sorry but if things continue as they are it's only a matter of time before one of your dcs is seriously injured or worse. You need to rethink your childcare, now.

[Clutterbugsmum]

It's funny how on Mumsnet, SAHD's are not expected to do the same as a SAHM.

It's always is he depressed. No he just either very lazy or he setting himself up as the main carer so when OP gets to the point of leaving this relationship he can claim he is the main parent and OP loses full time care of her children to him.

I would have a very clear conversation with him (and yes I would record it) that if he want's to be a SAHD then he is responsilble for the children and the home while you are at work. You will not be working all day and then coming home to do the cooking/cleaning. And he has 14 days to either step up and be a proper SAHP or he can look for another job ASAP as you will not be supporting him to do nothing.

And yes look for alternative care for your children ASAP.

[BarbaraofSeville]

I disagree Clutter. When it is a SAHM, it seems to be the consensus on here that she is a SAH Parent not cook and cleaner and short of feeding the DCs, anything extra that is acheived is a bonus and the working father should expect to pitch in significantly when he is at home.

If anything, more is expected from SAHDs than SAHMs on Mumsnet.

Doesn't make this Dad's efforts right and whether male or female, the SAHP should take on the lion's share of running the house, but equally the working parent should also pitch in and do something while at home so they aren't leaving everything to the SAHP and also be considerate - eg not leave their stuff all over the place so the SAHP needs to clean up after them before they can get on with the vacuuming/dusting etc for example.

[DoinItFine]

Way less is expected of SAHDs.

If they dropped their child into a steaming cauldron and then ate the resulting soup, there woukd be people saying

"Who hasn't accidentally eaten a child?"
"It's early days, he's just finding his feet."
"Stop being so controlling. Let him parent his way."

Meanwhile a SAHM with haemorrhagic fever would be told not to be so needy if she suggested her husband could maybe miss his round of golf to look after the children.

There is a real need to emphasise the parenting aspect for SAHMs because men, as a gender, exoloit women's domestic labour to a shocking extent.

[AmaDablam]

I don't think this is about whether SAHDs or SAHMs get the worse end of the deal, or have higher expectations placed upon them, that surely depends on the individual family. It's about this particular SAHP and the fact that he doesn't appear to be able to care safely for their dcs, irrespective of his gender.

[Bagofmashings]

I haven't read all of this. But am I right in thinking there are some people saying it's not too bad to leave a 4 year old downstairs alone with a hob on or to leave a baby in a car while you go inside and have a nap ?

[midlifehope]

well I don't know what I'm going to do. I have 5 working days left util I use accrued annual leave over the school holidays - so my short term plan is to look for an au pair (can't really afford it) as a second pair of hands over the holidays, then hatch some kind of plan after that (I dunno what!!) Any ideas?

Ps, he doesn't smoke weed - just normal cigarettes. And drinks a moderate amount some evengs (2-3 times a week). No drugs. I've signed up to an Au pair website, but not getting anywhere yet. Anyone know how to get an au pair at short notice?

[expatinscotland]

Get a childminder. Borrow money to do it if you have to. I wouldn't want a daughter of mine to au pair for you, tbh, as your partner is such a loser, he's likely to use her like a nanny.

[Buggers]

I have to ask why are you with this man? He sounds like a complete waste of your time, you deserve much better to live your life like this.

[Damselindestress]

Recording you on his phone is really weird. You had every right to be upset about him leaving your child unsupervised around a lit hob and I feel like he is turning it back on you by recording your reaction. Also he has put you in an awkward position by refusing to work. Him staying home should have been discussed with you, not dictated to you. There are some real red flags here about his behaviour.

[expatinscotland]

The second he refused to work without discussing it would have been the second he went out the door. How much are cigarettes now? I'd be livid if I were working my tail off to keep someone in those when they did FA with the kids, in the house, etc.

[expatinscotland]

Sounds like he's got form for this, too, because you keep enabling it.

[Petal40]

He's a lazy fucker and sees the kids as a free pass to do fuck all ,all day under the pretence of being a stay at home dad....the kids clearly arnt going to get their needs met,or indeed be kept safe....get the grandparents back while you find decent childcare ....give him a month to get a full time job or its over..

[gillybeanz]

You need some good childcare, cn your dm not continue and your dh gt a job?

[AnyFucker]

It's not "free" when you inevitably pay the high price of some serious accident befalling your kids because if his uselessness

He has form...why did you think it would be different this time ?

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

He cannot even keep the kids safe.

And your thinking about backing up his plan to stay in a care giving role.

Someone needs to step up you know it won't be him, his recording you suggests he does not even think he has done anything questionable, so it's down to you.

Use grandparents or anyone outside of the home until you can sort out childcare that does not also involve him pretending he's doing it.

[Snog]

If your DH thinks it is safe and ok in any way to sleep whilst in charge of a wide awake four year old I think you need to find safe alternative childcare immediately. This is definitely neglect and could potentially lead to all kinds of accidents.
Is the au pair idea to mind the kids whilst dh naps or to help you?

From what you have said I would NEVER leave this man in charge of my children as I would fear for their safety and as such would end this relationship immediately unless his behaviour is attributable to mental or physical illness. I really struggle to understand how anyone in their right mind would behave like your DH.

[LazyJournalistsQuoteMN]

I would insist on a regular structured routine, if your dp is going to continue being a SAHD. It sounds like he is using it as an excuse not to work, but not to do anything else responsible either. Your DP needs to go to bed earlier, instead of having daytime naps and leaving your dc unattended and unsupervised.
I would be very suspicious, that a Social Worker just happened to be passing, when your dc was asleep and alone in the car, I reckon someone reported it. It's time for your DP to get his act together and start being a responsible adult/parent, whether that means being a better SAHD, or going back to work and paying someone else to mind your DC. He needs to grow up and cop on.

[BeMorePanda]

Very unfair to bring an au pair into this disaster.