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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry that DP is not up to the job of SAHD :(

165 replies

midlifehope · 21/07/2016 17:09

So, I went back to work a few weeks ago, and my Dear mother and father have been doing the childcare for my DS who's 4 1/2 and on school hols and my DS who is 10 months old. They went back yesterday as DP's temporary work contract has finished so he is free to be a SAHD (he doesn't want to look for another job at present so I have to pay the mortgage).

I am willing to give him a chance and realise he's bound to do it differently to me, they've apparently had a nice morning out, but I came back at 4pm, to find, older ds in his underpants in front of the TV, the hob still on low in the kitchen (!!!), dog poo left on back step where it was this morning, dp asleep upstairs (!!!) and baby ds asleep awkwardly in his cot, widthways rather than lengthways, meaning a cot bar had indented his head leaving a ridge and a red mark on his head (now slowly fading).

I don't know if I can do this. He also was a SAHD for DS 1 which resulted in DS having too much screen time (left there a few hrs at a time) and one terrible occasion in which DP left DS asleep in his car and went in and fell asleep - I was only alerted when a social worker walked past and contacted my neighbour who called me and I rushed home....

OP posts:

wobblywonderwoman · 21/07/2016 17:59

Hmm.. Dh minds the DC while I work (he works alternate hours)

I cook and leave meals prepped and clean the house and probably sort a bit more than him overall but he does diy.

He would never be that negligent. Never.

FruitCider · 21/07/2016 18:01

The lit hob is bad I admit, but everyone makes mistakes. I tripped over my shoe laces and dropped dd down some stairs, dislocating her elbow my partner once drove to meet me and strapped the car seat in but forgot to strap dd in the seat! Mistakes happen. As long as he understands the seriousness of them I would forgive and forget.

Cabrinha · 21/07/2016 18:02

Don't listen to anyone who says "haven't we all made mistakes?" because no, most of us don't leave children in the car and FORGET them and gone for a sleep!!!!!

FruitCider · 21/07/2016 18:05

The OP didn't say her dp forgot about the child. She simply said the child was napping in the car and dp fell asleep. God the amount of times I've nodded off - albeit not for long as dd jumps on me! - is unreal.

On this occasion he went for a nap upstairs. A nap on the sofa whilst ensuring the job was off would have been better choices.

Buggers · 21/07/2016 18:07

Why was he recording you? Have you ever lashed out at him? Please don't leave him with the children anymore he clearly isn't capable.

fabulous01 · 21/07/2016 18:07

Dads do it differently. And some so take longer to get there. But I would be concerned about the safety issues of hob and car. The children can't fix it but you can and whatever you decide you can't have regrets. So if he continues to childcare on own God forbid if something happens you can't reverse the time. If you get childcare yes it will cost, he will have to work but work is much easier than liking after children and maybe he needs to see that.

BusStopBetty · 21/07/2016 18:08

I have left a hob on before now, but I still think he's a lazy shit.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/07/2016 18:09

Recording you is incredibly weird. What does he intend to do with that recording?

Cabrinha · 21/07/2016 18:09

Oh come on FruitCider have you ever nodded off when your child was asleep in a car outside? Really?

MargaretCavendish · 21/07/2016 18:10

Why are people saying him getting a job would be a solution? Yes, at least then he'd be contributing a tiny bit, but if OP genuinely feels he can't be alone with the children then what does that life look like: both working, but her doing every bit of childcare and not being able to have even a few hours to herself for what, a decade? I guess it's a sort of compromise but such a terrible one that surely no one would choose it?

Sleeplessinmybedroom · 21/07/2016 18:11

There's a massive difference between making mistakes which we all have done and will full neglect of leaving a 4 year old alone with a lit hob while you sleep. Op I'd be very worried about leaving him alone with them.

Buggers · 21/07/2016 18:12

The issue is all of these things happened in one day, leaving a hob on after a FULL day with kids once fair enough, dozing off downstairs in the same room as dc fair enough. But doing it all after one morning with the kids is bloody awful.

Garbadgeman · 21/07/2016 18:13

What Cabrinha said, just the fact that he did this and then chose to leave a 4.5 year old child downstairs alone (let alone not checking the cooker was switched off!) while he went upstairs for a nap (and on the very first day he was supposed to be looking after them just to add insult to injury) marks this out as more than just a 'mistake'. Yes of course we've all made mistakes, I've fallen asleep on the sofa while looking after DD several times, that's not the same as making a conscious decision to piss off upstairs for a kip and leave a small child to look after themselves. For one thing the cooker wasn't on and for another dozing in the same room when you will undoubtedly wake up the instant your child needs you is totally different to deliberately taking yourself off to bed with no thought for the child you're meant to be caring for. What he's done goes beyond one 'mistake', it's irresponsible and bordering on neglectful.

icouldabeenacontender · 21/07/2016 18:15

Tripping over your shoelaces is not comparable.
One is an accident, the other is irresponsible.

Canyouforgiveher · 21/07/2016 18:15

I can't believe posters think it is ok to leave a child in a car unattended, go into the house and fall asleep.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/07/2016 18:17

The going up stairs to nap would be the killer for me. For goodness sake who goes off to bed with young children to be minded. Dozing off on the couch maybe but actually heading up to bed?

lottiegarbanzo · 21/07/2016 18:17

Is it common practice to leave DC in cars and fall asleep indoors? That's quite different from letting a sleeping child sleep, parked safely outside the house, then bringing them in. The last time I heard of someone leaving a baby and falling asleep inside, it was a case in the paper in which the baby died of hyperthermia. Of course only the disasters are reported.

ishallconquerthat · 21/07/2016 18:17

I would be considering leaving a guy like that. Sleeping upstairs leaving a child alone unattended? Leaving a child asleep in a car and going to sleep? That's unbelievable.

It looks like he doesn't want to be a SAHD (because being a SAHP is bloody hard work!), but simply doesn't want to get a job, which is a completely different thing.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 21/07/2016 18:18

I think YABU to deduce one bad day as not qualified to be a SAHD.

The most worrying part is the being asleep upstairs. The hob was more than likely just a mistake and will unlikely happy again - choosing to go for a nap upstairs completely away from the older child is not on. The baby is a non-issue.

I'm not sure I'd be happy being dictated to about getting a new job either.

BeMorePanda · 21/07/2016 18:20

Who the actual fuck would think it is ok to leave a baby in a car and then fall asleep inside?

Clearly it's not just a one off mistake but a constant catalogue of errors that make him a very lazy careless parent at best.

I wouldn't be leaving my children in his care.

I'd also be wondering what else is going on during the day I didn't know about?

What else is going on in your relationship OP.? It sounds like he wants to be a SAHP as he considers it an easy option.

AnUtterIdiot · 21/07/2016 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/07/2016 18:22

I think you need to have a serious talk with him about child safety and basic requirements of the SAHP role. If he's not willing to commit to taking on the role properly, at the very least, safely, he cannot be allowed to do it.

It sounds from your tone, as though he might regard his comfort and pride as more important than anyone's safety. I predict nastiness and attempts at manipulation.

Stay calm, keep it factual, emphasise the children's needs.

LetsSplashMummy · 21/07/2016 18:23

This cannot be justified by the argument that some people have done some of these things by mistake occasionally. On his first day he has done them all. Normally someone would start off a new routine almost hyper aware and gradually you learn what might be okay for your children in terms of safety, nap times, screen time etc. This guy hasn't decided, proactively, how much screen time is okay that day, or has the experience that this DC is safe around a lit hob - he just hasn't bothered. I don't think it is okay to have a sleep when solely supervising an awake child either.

However, I don't think you should get a professional involved. If you cannot have a sensible discussion with him about this then there are bigger problems. Can your parents do the next few days, or help out?

MargaretCavendish · 21/07/2016 18:23

I read a devastating article about parents who had done that and whose babies had died

I know the one you mean - I read it years and years ago and it really haunts me still.

SalemsLott · 21/07/2016 18:26

Yanbu, time for a rethink, on childcare and whether you want to remain married to such a neglectful person.

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