To worry that DP is not up to the job of SAHD :(

[midlifehope]

So, I went back to work a few weeks ago, and my Dear mother and father have been doing the childcare for my DS who's 4 1/2 and on school hols and my DS who is 10 months old. They went back yesterday as DP's temporary work contract has finished so he is free to be a SAHD (he doesn't want to look for another job at present so I have to pay the mortgage).

I am willing to give him a chance and realise he's bound to do it differently to me, they've apparently had a nice morning out, but I came back at 4pm, to find, older ds in his underpants in front of the TV, the hob still on low in the kitchen (!!!), dog poo left on back step where it was this morning, dp asleep upstairs (!!!) and baby ds asleep awkwardly in his cot, widthways rather than lengthways, meaning a cot bar had indented his head leaving a ridge and a red mark on his head (now slowly fading).

I don't know if I can do this. He also was a SAHD for DS 1 which resulted in DS having too much screen time (left there a few hrs at a time) and one terrible occasion in which DP left DS asleep in his car and went in and fell asleep - I was only alerted when a social worker walked past and contacted my neighbour who called me and I rushed home....

[icy121]

Why's he sleeping in the day?! Don't tell me he's up all night playing computer games...

[TheDowagerCuntess]

I'm not sure I'd be happy being dictated to about getting a new job either.

Seriously?!

How else do you pay for stuff, if somebody doesn't want you to be completely dependent on them....?

[TopazRocks]

Something I'd want to know - which I don't think has been asked yet. Why is a presumably healthy adult needing a kip in the day time? Is he up with the children overnight or are they sleeping through?

Reason i am asking is this story reminds me of my past. The man child I had 4 dc with ( I know, i know) - and I am still with him - had a similar history. (Though we had no car and lived in a flat!!). Years later he mentioned he'd felt 'entitled' to stay up half the night - no web then but radio, books, records, etc. So of course he was often knackered. he'd never go to bed when caring for the children, but he'd fall asleep and he was utterly crap at cleaning, preparign meals etc. One child had several trips to A & E on DH's watch; to be fair he had one fall on my watch too and needed staples on a wound - he has SN and was a very wobbly walker. I was possibly naive but did wonder why DH was so tired. I did a lot of nights so i'd come home frm a full busy night shift and needing sleep, and he'd be fecking tired too!!

I coped by reducing my hours to as few as we could manage, DH did do temp work when he could, and we lived in a tiny flat. not ideal, and i do still wonder if it would have been less stressful if we'd been apart. DH is still unreliable but the DC are not in danger. He has dreadful planning skills, is very forgetful, falls asleep easily still, tends to stay up late/all night (he is now retired). I don't know what you should do, as I don't really know what i should have done then either.

One big difference is - my man child was remorseful over the accidents, and if I pointed out his failings (I tried to be v tactful) he did try - for a bit anyway. He was never malicious if I was annoyed - maybe I could have been more annoyed, i don't know! But he'd not have tried the taping thing on me, even if he had the technology.

[onecurrantbun1]

I haven't rtft yet and I came on here to defend your DH but God some of that is indefensible.

I am a SAHM and have been for 4.5 years. I have never ever slept upstairs without the kids. I have never ever left them unattended on the drive (apart from for 2 mins whileI grab a drink and magazine to read while waiting for them to wake up!) Unsafe and shows a blatant disregard for the children's well-being - my LOs would be incredibly distressed to wake up in the car alone.

He is not up to the job.

[Mcchickenbb41]

Everyone makes parenting mistakes but do we do several in one day ?? He sounds like he thinks it's the easy option to stay at home and most off us know this is not always the case. He also sounds like he has no sense of danger. I think you have every right to be worried op. It may be that he's actually a good dad and his intentions may have been good but not cut out to be the main carer. I'm actually being quite polite because thinking about it if this way my dh I would have gone mad at some off these things mentioned.

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

I'm not sure I'd be happy being dictated to about getting a new job either.

You have got to be kidding! You can't just choose to leech off someone else's earnings without mutual agreement!

OP - why are you with someone who is a danger to your DC? You need to either get him to see that there could be really serious consequences to his actions, or he needs to leave. Otherwise your DC will grow up with you unable to leave them alone with him - what kind of life lesson for them to learn is that? That Daddy is dangerous/untrustworthy?

[dailymaillazyjournos]

Would you ever be able to go to work and relax for one moment wondering what might be going on at home?

Do you think that he really wants to be a SAHD on the basis that he really enjoys nurturing his children, so as well as meaning you don't need to look for other childcare, he would find it really fulfilling? Or that he thinks it's a better, and in his mind, easier, option than getting a job outside the home?

[Sara107]

Why does dp need to be napping so much? Does he get up to the DCs in the night a lot? An adult shouldn't need to be going for daytime sleeps, especially if he's looking after a 4 yr old who isn't asleep. I think it's reasonable to expect sahp to do the chores, especially things like cleaning dog dirt off the step.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

Everyone makes mistakes. But to make a litany of them in one day, when he has form, means he's clearly not up to the job.

Which you know.

[CatNip2]

My (non) professional opinion is that DH gets himself a job even if it is only enough to pay for child care.

[nannybeach]

I wouldnt let him look after my dogs

[LilacInn]

It almost sounds deliberate.
You say he was a poor parent to the first child. Was he totally on board with having the second baby? His behaviour sounds born of resentment or hostility, frankly. And why does he need to sleep so much?

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

I actually meant it from the OP's perspective - I wouldn't be happy to be dictated to that my other half didn't want a new job! Extremely poor phrasing on my part.

[RepentAtLeisure]

He's not a SAHP. He's a slob who doesn't want to work and is using the dc's as a great excuse. He's lucky the older one didn't get a nasty burn from the hob.

I'd say at minimum he should attend a parenting course. And YES I would absolutely say the same about a mother who fell asleep leaving the little ones unattended with the oven on.

If he won't step up and attempt to become competent, I don't really see what the point of him is. it sounds like your parents are willing to help...

[Pettywoman]

Sounds like he has zero respect for the role of SAHP and thinks it's a do what you like, lazy piss take option. The reality is the opposite, with under 5s you have to be on it all the time unless you have a couple of hours respite during playgroup hours or nap times. Then you have to weigh up the merits of having a kip yourself or speeding through the chores.

Aside from the dangers he's subjected your kids to, the filming!? WTF!

[RepentAtLeisure]

And why does he need to sleep so much?

I'm going to guess that he's up till late online/gaming/watching TV. He sounds the type.

[CPtart]

Mmm you've a problem and a big decision to make.
He doesn't want to work yet he doesn't seem to want to/be capable of looking after his DC properly either. So what role is he going to take on going forward? And make sure your contraception is watertight while you consider.

[Topseyt]

He sounds totally incompetent.

I am a bit shocked that he wants to record you. However, if he does then make sure it backfires. Let him record you as you calmly but firmly advise him that it isn't acceptable to:

1. Leave a child asleep in the car while you deliberately go inside for a sleep.
   
2. Leave the hob on with a 4 year old roaming about.
   
3. Actually go upstairs to bed while leaving said 4 year old roaming.
   
4. Leave dog shit on the step where child could have picked it up.
   
   I am sure you could also find other things to add to the list - i.e. does he bother washing them, changing baby's nappy etc?
   
   That way all that he will achieve if he plays the recording back to your family, friends, or perhaps even a professional is to prove just what a stupid twat he is.

[Sorebigtoes]

I used to be a social worker. I'd also be v concerned about his parenting and in my professional life would have wanted him to complete a parenting course and showed evidence of change before leaving the children with him. If you want to stay with him would he do a course? Do you have a local childrens centre that offer courses/intervention like this (mine does)? Honestly, it's v concerning. The recording thing sounds like he's trying to intimidate you. Is he abusive in any other way? What lies behind his sleeping - just laziness or drug/alcohol use or physical/memtal health problems? It's going to be hard to make someone who is defensive accept the newd for change and I don't envy your v difficult position.

[Blatherskite]

I'm sure pretty much every SAHP has fallen asleep while the kids are roaming before. It tends to be though when you are heavily pregnant, just had a baby or very ill that this happens and you fall asleep on the sofa while they're watching TV and are on hand to jump up at the slightest noise - or more likely be woken by the child bashing you round the head to change the channel. No way would a responsible parent take themselves off upstairs for a nap while 'on duty'!!!

Did he fall asleep when settling the baby maybe? I'm trying to understand how he could do this.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

You paint a picture that isn't very flattering, but he probably does need a bit of time to get his feet. Generally a sahp gets a slower introduction - newborn babies can be brutal on your sleep cycle, but they get their mobility bit by bit and you get time to adjust. Stepping into a crawling/just walking baby and a 4.5 year old will be a host of things to think about all at once. And that could be quite an adjustment if he hasn't done much looking after them both on his own until today. So mistakes at first are somewhat likely. I don't think this is really a cacophony of disasters though. It's two separated by a fair time span. He fell asleep with the hob on this time (and bear in mind on his first day at it, especially if he's doing night wakings too, he was probably way more exhausted than he expected to be) and he fell asleep three years ago with DS in the car. The real issue as I see it seems to be his willingness to fall asleep without ensuring the children are in safe spaces and his reliance on the tv to entertain. The rest is arguments about standards that aren't really essential (though you still have a right to not like them).

I think the question is, is he really choosing the sahd role to get out of looking for a job or is he normally quite engaged with the children and truly interested in spending lots of time with them? Because the falling asleep and using the tv sound like the former and in that case he really needs to get over himself and understand it's just not good for his DC. To be fair to him, I think quite a lot of women do this too, and I never hear dads told that they need to kick their wife out and put the kids in childcare. But it's not good for you DC if he's basically unengaged and lazy.

Sit down and talk about why he's falling asleep with the kids in dangerous situations and find a solution. Too much TV for young children isn't good for them according to research, but there is a really wide range of practice in homes and I don't think it's something you can dictate (especially when he's going to have to keep a 4.5 yr old and a baby entertained). But if it's all they do you can talk about whether them being at home with a parent is best for them if he isn't really spending any time with them.

[TendonQueen]

Assume the older child will be just at home over school holidays? Can you afford to book cheap summer sports camps to cover some of that time at least? To keep him safe, not for your partner's convenience

[BombadierFritz]

If you might end up separating, he might get primary residence if he is the sahd. Why was he recording you? And why does he sleep too much (i was like this but had a thyroid condition. Maybe he is just up late though)

[expatinscotland]

This person is a loser who doesn't want to work. He was shit at 'SAHD' with your first, but you went on to procreate a second time with him and again, leave him with children when you know he's not up to the task. Now he's setting things up so that if you leave him, he'll take the kids as primary carer and demand maintenance for them.

Of course he doesn't want to look for a job! He's too busy napping and taking the piss.

You get those kids into childcare if you have to borrow money! Then you throw him out after a few months when he cannot prove he's a primary carer.

[midlifehope]

Just to answer a few things....he seems to need to sleep a fecking lot :( I do all the night waking with the breastfeeding baby (3-4 times a might). He (dp) sleeps in the spare room, usually getting up an hr after me, even on the weekends. He sometimes stays up late but not all the time, then after a cigarette in the middle of the afternoon, he will invariably go for a lie down .

My parents live over 2 hrs away, so can' help out routinely.

I'm so fecked off with this manchild today, but I seem to lack the ability to 'make him change'. In fact, he's got worse over time.