To worry that DP is not up to the job of SAHD :(

[midlifehope]

So, I went back to work a few weeks ago, and my Dear mother and father have been doing the childcare for my DS who's 4 1/2 and on school hols and my DS who is 10 months old. They went back yesterday as DP's temporary work contract has finished so he is free to be a SAHD (he doesn't want to look for another job at present so I have to pay the mortgage).

I am willing to give him a chance and realise he's bound to do it differently to me, they've apparently had a nice morning out, but I came back at 4pm, to find, older ds in his underpants in front of the TV, the hob still on low in the kitchen (!!!), dog poo left on back step where it was this morning, dp asleep upstairs (!!!) and baby ds asleep awkwardly in his cot, widthways rather than lengthways, meaning a cot bar had indented his head leaving a ridge and a red mark on his head (now slowly fading).

I don't know if I can do this. He also was a SAHD for DS 1 which resulted in DS having too much screen time (left there a few hrs at a time) and one terrible occasion in which DP left DS asleep in his car and went in and fell asleep - I was only alerted when a social worker walked past and contacted my neighbour who called me and I rushed home....

[LuluJakey1]

I have been a Designated Safeguarding Deputy Head in a large comp and I would report this to social services if one of our students told us this was what was happening when his little siblings were left in the charge of their dad.
He sounds like a lazy immature tosser as well to be blunt.
YADNBU to be furious.

[midlifehope]

I really wanted this to work. It's free and he is their dad, so I thought it would be good for them. But I'm so stressed, I might have to consider an au pair over the summer (when I have some holidays) then a child minder...... wish I was looking after them myself but I can't afford it and I also love my career....

[FruitCider]

I live in a flat so have never left my child asleep in the car! However I know many parents that do leave young children sleeping in cars parked on the drive.

[BarbaraofSeville]

In this weather children left in cars have died. It happens quite a lot in the US and I think they have to have an annual campaign reminding parents not to do it.

[FruitCider]

I live in a flat so have never left my child asleep in the car! However I know many parents that do leave young children sleeping in cars parked on the drive.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Also, I think it's his attitude that demonstrates the problem. He may not want to feel he's apologising to you, or that you are the parenting boss. BUT any decent parent would feel rattled and remorseful and show it, had what you describe occurred. A decent parent would not be saying 'rubbish, it was fine, I'd do the same again'.

[Buggers]

Why was he recording you?

[e1y1]

No way!

Careless at best, I don't get how anyone thinks leaving a child in car and going in to fall asleep is ok.

Also leaving another child unattended downstairs whilst asleep upstairs. Forget the hob, a million and one other things could have happened.

This would be ringing piercing alarms for me.

He wouldn't be in the house, let alone looking after kids.

[diddl]

I've left a hob on whilst serving & eating-& then noticed when cleared the table just after the meal.

Never left baby asleep in car even on drive next to house!

Sounds deliberate so that he could sleep!

Dog poo on a step all day!

Why did a social worker call you about baby in the car?

Didn't ypur husband hear them knocking?

He sounds absolutely useless & clueless!

[DoinItFine]

I'm not sure I'd be happy being dictated to about getting a new job either.

You'd need to take that up with Life.

Working to pay your way is just how it is unless you're independently wealthy.

Nobody is "dictating" that to you just because they don't fancy paying your bills.

[CharlotteCollins]

Recording you on the phone sounds like his first thought was to have evidence that you're being "hysterical". This could be because he thinks you might take it further or because he wants to play it to your family or friends to shame you. Best case scenario: he plays it to his friends to have a laugh at your expense.

Whatever. He sounds bad news. And could be horrible if you chose to separate.

[Jackiebrambles]

He's not a sahd. He's unemployed and clearly has no idea how you look after his young children. Who the fuck goes for a nap and leaves a 4 year old unattended???

[lottiegarbanzo]

These parents who leave children outside in cars DO NOT go inside and fall asleep! Do they? Really?

[DoinItFine]

He's not even up to the job of D, never mind the SAH part.

[ScarletForYa]

He left a child asleep in the car and went inside and went upstairs himself and feel asleep!

He left a hob on and a child of four roaming around.

No way in hell would I let him alone with any child of mine. I would also ltb and make sure contact was supervised.

He's unfit.

[Griphook]

Op he's a shit, a useless dad who willing has put his child in danger.
Can you imagine if your child has put something onthe flame? And the dads upstairs asleep.

But I say this wilth good intentions but YOU also have a duty to protect your children as have already been involved, if anything happened to
Then you wild come under scrutiny aswell.

Kick him out (the hob is unforgivable whilst asleep) and ask your mum and dad to help out.

Let him record you, he's just trying to distract from his behaviour

[MsJudgemental]

DP seems to sleep a lot......

[Bobochic]

From your description, OP, your DH is clearly not up to being a SAHD. He is at best highly irresponsible and, more probably, neglectful.

[Mycatsabastard]

Does he do any housework? Throw some washing in the machine or do food shopping or cook dinner for you all?

Being a SAHP is hard work but that's the deal if you aren't going out earning.

I'm a SAHP and by default I spend my day not only doing the house stuff, cooking, tidying, cleaning etc but also running all the errands that need doing, shopping, organising birthdays and all the other stuff that needs to be done.

If all he can manage is falling asleep after one morning out I'd suggest he's not really up to the job of being at home with the children. He can't seem to achieve the basics of looking after the children, never mind all the other things that will need doing.

[Believeitornot]

There's no excusing what he's done (or not done).
He sounds like a delight

[swelchphr]

I was all ready to say YABU. There are of course going to be things that are going to be done different and he'll get his groove...However, as I read what happened heck no, YANBU. I understand an occasional oops, but these are major safety concerns. There is no way I would feel comfortable with this arrangement.

[TendonQueen]

I couldn't leave kids with someone so careless with them and who showed no remorse about all the mess ups.

[redshoeblueshoe]

MsJudgemental - my thoughts exactly - OP does he smoke weed ? Because I'm not understanding all the sleeping (you don't actually need to answer that, maybe just think about it)

[dimples76]

YANBU - it does sound as though he does not want to work rather than wanting to be a SAHP.

Did he give any explanation of recording you? I think most parents would not be composed to return to the family home as you found it.

[annandale]

I agree with others that the trouble is any ONE of these individual things could be a mistake that COULD be done by quite a lot of parents on a BAD day.

Doing all of them on one day suggests that he's crap not really taken in the reality of what childcare involves.

Does he think this was a bad day? Why? What would he do differently if it happened again? What has he learned? And why [restraining myself] the fuck [lost restraint] should his children be the ones who suffer while he learns?

Why do you want a professional opinion OP? I used to wish that a marriage counsellor could watch tapes of me and my XH together and make a pronouncement that this or that was acceptable or unacceptable. Eventually I had to woman up and make the decision that I was unhappy, we wanted different things and I should leave. The fact is that you, these children's mother, are allowed to make the judgment that they are unsafe and to take action to make them safe. You don't need a professional to say that leaving a 4 year old access to a naked flame while going upstairs to sleep is unsafe.

I'm not quite sure what the answer is. If he really thinks everything was OK, I would strongly consider leaving him/asking him to leave. If he acknowledges that it wasn't good enough I would ask him to come up with an alternative solution.

BTW when DH became a SAHP (which only happened when ds was 6 - I'm still not entirely happy with the way he looks after ds but it's not unsafe) he said to me that obviously housework should be fine if he did about an hour a day. Now, there's an element of truth in that, in that I'm quite bad at doing 'little and often' so do end up doing long stints, which is not great. But I was so, so furious when he said that - real cleaning and running a house takes more than an hour and I felt he really had ignored what I'd done for the previous 6 years.