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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DD's refusing to wear a bra, her Head of Year is saying she isn't allowed at school.

999 replies

EmmelineW · 21/07/2016 15:40

DD is 14 (Yr 9) she tried a bra at 12, hated it and has refused to wear one since. She did try a sports bra, which she wore a couple of times in the day but now refuses and would only wear for PE. She's very confident and popular, so it hasn't ever caused any teasing (she normally makes a joke and is very vocal about not wearing one, she says that if she wasn't, she would be bullied because of it).

She had PE today, which was the first lesson she refused to wear her sports bra, she was told to not take part by her PE teacher - her PE teacher is very 'down with the kids' and mentioned it to her privately.

I would just like to say, previously to this, I was called in to make sure that she had a female role model to talk to about periods/bras as it had come to their attention, that was all cleared up.

Head of Year sent her home today because of it and said she isn't allowed back until she wears one, as it's put under the same category as having a short skirt. Where do we stand with this? Does it come under uniform issues? I'm not really sure what they're saying she can't come back for rule wise.

OP posts:
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6
VestalVirgin · 24/07/2016 21:33

Then why can't she do it out in the street or at home.

This is about as nonsensical as asking why factory workers don't go to strike on Sunday.

Fighting shit in society doesn't work if you do it in a way that makes sure the ruling classes are not inconvenienced by it.

Also, has it occurred to you that she finds bras uncomfortable (actually, OP actually mentioned that ...) and that wearing one at school would therefore make her uncomfortable regardless of how much she does or doesn't wear one at home or elsewhere?

EveOnline2016 · 24/07/2016 21:44

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Male_lactation

Men can breastfeed.

Floggingmolly · 24/07/2016 21:46

Fruit bats!

EveOnline2016 · 24/07/2016 21:48

So in this logic men should wear bras and keep their tops on. After all there breast can do the same function as women

EveOnline2016 · 24/07/2016 21:50

www.babycenter.com/404_can-men-breastfeed_8824.bc

MissMargie · 24/07/2016 21:53

If bras are uncomfortable wear a vest.

It's an easily solved dilemma.

And why shout about it? Then when you have drawn attention to yourself complain that someone disapproves.

Petal40 · 24/07/2016 22:04

be very interesting to know how this pans out,do come back on and tell us how it all goes in September

nooka · 24/07/2016 22:07

I expect that the OP's dd wasn't wearing a vest at the end of the summer term because it was hot. Besides which if the issue is sway then unless you wear a very tight vest then it really doesn't make much difference. Personally I'd not wear just a shirt because my nipples would probably chafe a bit, but then unlike the OP and her dd they aren't flat.

I am professional in my 40s and I don't wear a bra. It hasn't caused me any issues in my work or home life that I am aware of. If people can't cope with a bit of jiggle then that's a bit pathetic really. I am female, I have breasts, just like pretty much every woman out there. Bras don't hide breasts after all, in fact they often accentuate them so I really don't think that the 'oh my goodness the boys/men won't be able to stop themselves being offensive about it, make the girl wear a bra to keep safe' holds any water at all. Sexist boys who think that they have the right to comment will comment. And of course boys can be taught to behave themselves around women and their breasts! Even teenagers (I have one and he is perfectly civilised).

Oh and I don't wear a bra because I hate the feeling of the strap around my ribs, makes me feel like I'm in harness and restricts my breathing in a way I don't like. I'll wear a sports bra is I absolutely have to, but I didn't need to when I was a teenager as pre breastfeeding my breasts pretty much stayed put. Wearing a bra doesn't affect the degree of sag later in life, that's mainly down to genetics.

mathsmum314 · 24/07/2016 22:32

sexual organ = a part of the reproductive process

You dont get to self define what a sexual organ is. For most people breasts are parts of of the act of having sex! Otherwise you reduce sex to men ejaculating into a test tube! The key word when defining a meaning is MOST.

Bambambini · 24/07/2016 22:51

"You dont get to self define what a sexual organ is. For most people breasts are parts of of the act of having sex! Otherwise you reduce sex to men ejaculating into a test tube! The key word when defining a meaning is MOST"

Jesus! So if breasts aren't twiddled then sex is like men ejaculation into a test tube? Arf!

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 24/07/2016 22:51

Ridiculous point. The stimulation of EARS can cause an orgasm in some people. Should we therefore be covering up our ears?

Dear me. You really don't know much about biology do you? Fondling ears does not trigger the release of oxytocin in lactating women.

Physically, the nerves at the tip of the breasts connect to the nerves in the clitoris. When the clitoris is stimulated so are the nipples. There is masses of research on this.

GladAllOver · 24/07/2016 23:02

Why all the arguments about nipples and clitoris FFS?
This is disgraceful - you are sexualising her.

It's simply about her personal, private choice of underwear.

GlindatheFairy · 24/07/2016 23:17

I'd say you can't win as a girl in a co-ed school. So not wearing a bra is a distraction? Well, some boys clearly found my bra straps a distraction considering the number of times they were pinged in lessons. A nice crop top would have been much harder to get hold of. I wish I could be confident that things have changed, but a recent report found that sexual harrassment was rife in secondary schools.

Thomasisintraining · 24/07/2016 23:17

Why all the arguments about nipples and clitoris FFS?

I know I am finding the BF/Orgasm link with post after post from one particular poster emphasising the effect more than a tad creepy tbh. I loved BF and totally felt the oxytocin effect but it no more gave me a feeling of getting my rocks off than doing the washing up no matter how many studies get quoted in this thread.

Namechangingme · 25/07/2016 00:41

She's 14 and should be wearing a bra for social dignity, be a fucking parent and make her wear one.

Original poster
EmmelineW · 25/07/2016 01:02

So you have to force your child to wear clothes they don't want to, to make you a parent? When they're really uncomfortable in it? Bullshit.

OP posts:
BummyMummy77 · 25/07/2016 01:37

Fucking hell. We got the vote a few years back and everything. I wouldn't say I'm a huge feminist or anything but I am genuinely shocked at some of the attitudes here!

We'll be back in chastity belts soon! Grin

KickAssAngel · 25/07/2016 01:38

I really would love to see far less focus on what other people wear in general. Having taught in the UK and the US, I can say for sure that uniform has nothing to do with how well behaved or hard working a person is. Almost all the rules around uniform are complete bullshit.

I'm also a big fan of having fun dressing up for a night out. I like to change what I wear and I'm fully aware of how much our clothing reflects how we're fitting into societal expectations.

I just wish we could get to a place where people can turn up wearing whatever they're comfortable in, and we just get on with whatever we're meant to be doing. A bride who wants to wear jeans? Fine. Someone wearing a ballgown to go shopping? Why not. A teenager without a bra? Not a problem.

My only real axe to grind is that we shouldn't insist on clothes which reflect sexism, ageism, racism, religionism etc etc. Which pretty much all Westernized school uniforms do. So I hate them.

EttaJ · 25/07/2016 01:55

OP you're hilarious. Reporting and replying to all the posts that offend you when they're not even offensive! I am amazed what I wrote was deleted as it was nothing other than truth and not nasty. I didnt say I know all the 14 yr old girls in the world so don't be so ridiculous.

dosomething I agree with your take on it and Sauvignon* too.

Namechange spot on. OP is clearly far too busy bleating on here to do so it seems. When she is employed and decides to be so "individual "I wonder if she will be told it's ok to ignore your boss.

Original poster
EmmelineW · 25/07/2016 01:58

Tbh, what's even more 'hilarious' is that I wasn't even the one that reported your posts! You're obviously delusional though, as what you said was rude and MNHQ agreed

OP posts:
Lillygolightly · 25/07/2016 02:39

I would not be happy with the school on this one. As long as she is conforming to the schools uniform policy as in shirt/tie/blazer/skirt/trousers etc that's fine. I would be livid with any school dictating what kind of underwear my child should wear!

I see no reason health and safety wise this should be enforced by the school.

Imagine if it was a boy and you were told that he had to wear tight underpants instead of boxer shorts, I suspect we'd all have a problem with that too.

Boys have nipples girls have nipples unless they are shirtless and being flaunted among the schools halls I don't see the problem in being free of a bra/vest/crop top or whatever.

PurpleTango · 25/07/2016 04:51

I think the school has a point. Obviously your DD is ermmm "big enough" to notice that she is not wearing a bra? I hate wearing a bra but I realise there is a time and a place. I can't wait to get it off as soon as I get home.... Can't your DD compromise (Like most of us?)

VestalVirgin · 25/07/2016 06:07

I didn't report Etta, but I did report some comment on here. I'll have to check whether it's been scrubbed, it was vile. Probably they took care of Etta's posts while they were at it.

Can't your DD compromise (Like most of us?)

If you hate wearing a bra yet submit to the societal dicate that you should wear one, then tough on you.

It does in no way follow that other women (or even young girls!) should follow your example to reassure you that you had no choice.

RhodaBull · 25/07/2016 08:39

Just asked a teacher their opinion.

They said that it must have come to their notice, either through teasing or - and it has to be said - flaunting for teachers to get involved.

This teacher said no one has to wear a bra, and if they do it has to be white as there was a fad for black lacy ones to be worn.

flupcake · 25/07/2016 08:40

Imagine if it was a boy and you were told that he had to wear tight underpants instead of boxer shorts, I suspect we'd all have a problem with that too.
A bit off topic but this does happen in France, where at swimming pools men and boys are only allowed to wear the tight speedo swimming trunks (known as budgie smugglers) not the loose shorts type. So all of you fighting for the right to swing loose better not take your sons / husbands / partners on holiday in France ....