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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD's refusing to wear a bra, her Head of Year is saying she isn't allowed at school.

999 replies

EmmelineW · 21/07/2016 15:40

DD is 14 (Yr 9) she tried a bra at 12, hated it and has refused to wear one since. She did try a sports bra, which she wore a couple of times in the day but now refuses and would only wear for PE. She's very confident and popular, so it hasn't ever caused any teasing (she normally makes a joke and is very vocal about not wearing one, she says that if she wasn't, she would be bullied because of it).

She had PE today, which was the first lesson she refused to wear her sports bra, she was told to not take part by her PE teacher - her PE teacher is very 'down with the kids' and mentioned it to her privately.

I would just like to say, previously to this, I was called in to make sure that she had a female role model to talk to about periods/bras as it had come to their attention, that was all cleared up.

Head of Year sent her home today because of it and said she isn't allowed back until she wears one, as it's put under the same category as having a short skirt. Where do we stand with this? Does it come under uniform issues? I'm not really sure what they're saying she can't come back for rule wise.

OP posts:
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WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 24/07/2016 11:43

Op has already confirmed that it happened on the second last day of term, her dd was excluded for that and the last day, and she will not be allowed to return in sept if the issue isn't resolved.

Not all LA's break up on the same day.

AnecdotalEvidence · 24/07/2016 12:48

The point is that in this case the school has noticed . Is it that it is just this one school that objects to a girl going bra-less, or is it that she is somehow attracting attention?
They will have noticed when she changed for PE, there is no suggestion that her nipples were protruding through her school shirt.

you sound like a raving feminazi
So defending a 14yr old girl's right to not wear a bra makes someone a raving feminazi? Wow! Looks like she has to conform like a proper girl. Shock

Bravada · 24/07/2016 12:58

If you don't want to make a huge issue of it with the school I would just make sure that her blouses are thick and loose and then just send her back in as she is comfortable. If anyone asks whether she is wearing one, she can just say "Yes." Are they really going to check?

mathsmum314 · 24/07/2016 13:13

Didn't read whole thread, way to long.

I can see how it would be very difficult having a 14 year old in school being very vocal about her breasts making jokes about them and not wearing a bra etc. Could put the teachers in a very awkward position re accusations of inappropriateness... I can imagine a similar reaction if a 14 yo boy was being very vocal about his penis, making jokes about it and telling everyone he wasn't wearing pants.

Original poster
EmmelineW · 24/07/2016 13:17

Again, breasts and penis, completely different. Also, I know my daughter, she is popular and confident, but she's saying that if she never wore one and tried to hide it, her friends would be a bit oh Confused and then probably say something to someone who would bully her about it, she says that's just the way it is at her school.

OP posts:
EveOnline2016 · 24/07/2016 13:20

Hasn't it been proven that bra wearing is more harmful then wearing one.

Something that the muscles weaken as the support is not needed, but wearing a bra makes the muscles relax and that causes sagging

EttaJ · 24/07/2016 13:21

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mathsmum314 · 24/07/2016 13:36

Blush not so long since I was at school and I remember breasts being very sexual organs we used to get the boys attention. Provocatively pulling our jumpers off with chest pushed forward, getting as many buttons undone as we dared. I could have imagined a riot if one of us had done that without a bra on. The boys retaliated with bulging trouser gyrations.

It was pretty similar behavior and always put teachers in a very awkward position as a few girks would throw around accusations of the male teachers looking at their t*ts, trying to get them in trouble.

Original poster
EmmelineW · 24/07/2016 13:36

Yeah, Etta and I know my daughter, so stop with your "I know every fucking 14 year old in the world".

OP posts:
BITCAT · 24/07/2016 13:37

My daughter is 14 and no way she could get away with no bra. She's a 36dd. She's grown rapidly since her periods started at 9. And she's extremely mature for a 14 year old.
I think If you have small breasts then it's personal choice. Im small and every chance I get the bra comes off.
I don't believe bras are on the list of uniform items. Check the school book on uniform if it's not on there is can not see how they can enforce it. But for modesty reasons she could wear a vest top underneath her blouse.

NellyMelly · 24/07/2016 13:39

Get it in writing from school that they will exclude her for not wearing a bra. Go to a lawyer and take them to court. They can't require her to wear a bra as it's not uniform. There is no law requiring people to wear bras.

fuckindosomething · 24/07/2016 13:52

However, we also have to have some level of social awareness

Sounds as if you're daughter is a bit lacking in social awareness.

Life isn't always about doing what feels nice. She's going to get a nasty shock when she enters the working world if you allow her to do anything she wants.
That's not confidence either.

Notagainmun · 24/07/2016 13:53

Some girls this age love the attention but are very immature. Insisting on the right not to wear a bra and drawing attention to the fact sounds like OP Dd is the same. It must be so difficult for the school. My DSs at that age would have been fascinated although to give them credit they would not have harnessed the girl as they are not stupid.

Breast are dual function weather some people like it or not and there is a time and place for dressing as you please and school is not one of them.

Notagainmun · 24/07/2016 13:54

Harrassed - typo of course

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 24/07/2016 13:56

I don't need to wind my fucking neck in Etta, you called a fourteen year old girl a stroppy attention seeking madam, for not wearing a bra, and talking to her friends about it. That is nasty, whether you usually are or not, I have no idea, but that in itself is nasty and more than a little judgemental.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 24/07/2016 14:00

Agree with Nelly, btw. Get it in writing from the school and then kick up hell. No school is going to want the attention that a sexual discrimination action will bring on them, as that's what it will boil down to.

redexpat · 24/07/2016 14:01

Shes not drawing attention to the lack of bra though, she doesn't go in in the morning and shout whoopi I'm a free range hen! She mentions it if it comes up in conversation. Big difference.

fuckindosomething · 24/07/2016 14:02

Only on MN do people think that teenage boys (who are full of raging hormones) won't take notice (and be distracted) at the sight of a girl running/doing PE with no bra on.

Meanwhile, back in the Real World.

EmmelineW · 24/07/2016 14:07

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BITCAT · 24/07/2016 14:08

Well if those boys are taught not to view girls as objects then it shouldn't be a problem. I mean noone forces them to wear uncomfortable scaffolding around there testicles do they. No law says bras must be worn
It's personal choice and how comfortable you are. My daughter hates bras but due to her size she has to wear them
Given the choice I would not wear them

Floggingmolly · 24/07/2016 14:08

Op says she's "very vocal" about it, redex. How often could it reasonably come up in conversation??

BITCAT · 24/07/2016 14:11

We are supposed to be adults having adult discussions here. So why all the insults and swearing there's really no need. She has asked for advice. You can disagree with opinions of course but without the insults and personal attacks.

Sparkyduchess · 24/07/2016 14:13

foofew you sound like a total idiot. Femininity? Manifesto? What is wrong with you, that you think having an opinion which challenges the norm is a problem?

VestalVirgin · 24/07/2016 14:19

Something that the muscles weaken as the support is not needed, but wearing a bra makes the muscles relax and that causes sagging

I don't think it's the muscles, but the tissue. Muscles are under the breasts, so can't offer that much support, but if the breasts can move freely, the skin remains firmer to keep them up, or something.

Would have to look it up for more information, but not wearing a bra definitely doesn't cause breasts to sag more. I never routinely wore bras, and at age thirty, my breasts are still nice and firm. They're not that big, but big enough so that they could sag if they were so inclined.

There's a theory that breasts only sag because of bra wearing - not so sure if that applies to all women, breastfeeding likely is a factor, too - but not wearing a bra is definitely not as "dangerous" as some people would have us believe.

SheSparkles · 24/07/2016 14:19

Id love to see the reactions of a thread was posted saying that someone's son was feelin awkward about a female teacher being obviously braless...