To think my in laws are fuckers??

[Bringmevino]

Is it unreasonable of me to think that my in laws might want to spend time with my children who are also the children of my husband, their son, and therefore also their grandchildren? DH's sister lives about an hour away whilst in laws live about 4hrs away. They regularly go and see SIL and her PFB who isn't yet 1 but don't come to see my DS 3 and my DD 1.5. They go to see people who live 30 mins from me and don't come to see my DC. They're currently staying with SIL and won't come and see us on the only day we're here due to an already booked holiday that they know about despite having no plans. This will be the 5th time they have been local to us and we haven't seen them, I suppose there's progress as at least we know this time that they are even here! Now I'm obviously biased but my DC are great and incredible and wonderful, DS is crazy for his grandparents and talks about them a lot and I obviously encourage this because I think family is very important. Why can't they spend some time with him/us? My DD is quite reserved with strangers and takes a while to warm up and I'd have thought they might like her to get to know them so that she doesn't consider them strangers. We go to them as often as we can. I'm just so upset for my little people right now. I've asked in the past and they wouldn't change their plans or even make plans involving us. Anyone?!

Notmuchtosay1 couldn't you stay at your mum's house? That's sad

You say that this is the 5th time they've visited local to you, but that your sister in law lives an hour away? Is it just me that thinks "local" does not equate to an hour's drive away?!

And your PIL live 4 hours away - it's hardly a distance that is going to be easy to make it a close relationship. There won't be regular visits, will there? You can't expect there to be? DH and I lived about 4 hours' drive from our family about 10 years back - we only saw Inkaws twice at our flat in the 4 years we were there, my parents came every 3 or 4 months. It's not a last minute "drop in" kind of distance, is it? Visits have to be planned for. Even DH and I didnt drive back up north more than once a month, was probably more like every six weeks. And there was pressure to see various members of the family and squeeze them all in just because they were all in one area. It was exhausting.

I think you need to be more explicit in what you want. Invite them for the weekend well in advance.

My dh family is the same, his dd has not been to our town in 10 years disputed living only 1.5 hrs away but will happily visit dh ds who lives 45 mins away. We decided it's their loss and have tried to stop stressing about it.

Unworthydil that must be heartbreaking for your DH and I can well imagine the negative impact it has had on your relationship. The Paris trip thing is shockingly nasty.

I am pretty sure my PIL (especially MIL) would do something similar if they had the financial resources to carry it out. DH had one too many drinks last night which resulted in him being close to tears talking about 'they way his parents are' and how sad he is about it. I've always thought it was a very, very odd and quietly hurtful dynamic in their family but it wasn't until about 18 months ago when I stumbled across the concept of convert narcissism did it all started to make sense. Sibling triangulation is definitely their #1 MO.

Whilst it has helped to (almost) fully understand what is going on and as a consequence protect ourselves in part from further hurt by building better boundaries it really is the gift that keeps giving and we're still at a loss how to properly move on (other than low contact - which is very easy - we did all the inviting/meals and they pretty much only contact us when they want us to do something for them). It has all been made worse by the fact that both my parents died when I was young (my mum when I was 6 and my dad when I was 20) so they are the only grandparents.

Oh, and OP, you say you have invited them - could you just clarify how these invites to you Inlaws have been made? Is it that you hear they're visiting SIL for the weekend, so you get on the phone and ask them to see you too? To me that seems an odd request, that's an hour from you and yes, they may well have made specific plans with your SIL that means they don't have time to do a further 2 hr round trip to get to yours in addition. I really would not try and "geg in" on a pre-arranged visit between your SIL and your MIL. It just appears a bit desperate, and as if you're jealous of what they've arranged together. I can totally understand them saying they can't come to see you as well on those sorts of occasions. And why would you expect them to change pre-arranged plans? If someone asked me to change my plans I would think they were being very forward and a bit rude really.

If you're saying that you SPECIFICALLY invite them to stay at yours for the weekend just to see you and your little family and time and again they have refused/made their excuses then yes, they are cunts.

There's a big difference between the 2 situations.

Regardless of what she is asking in relation to visits they are not being treated the same I don't think unworthy d I l is coming across as desperate or jeleous, any one would question why your in laws would fund one set of grand kids private schools and pay deposits on a house and not for the other child and grandkids xxx

My inlaws said if my DH died they won't see grandkids ever again

Just because they don't like me because at Xmas I regifted them a box of chocolates from interflora as a gift from our 1 year old ,

So now they refuse to come to our house, I'm away to give birth and they don't want to see new baby untill after he is 6 months as I will be BF so baby will be with me 24/7 till weened..

I mean seriously WTF. I've come to learn some people are almost toxic

All over a box a chocolates from a 1 year old kid.

Glitterbug: I don't think it was Bringmevino who said that.

To clarify I was referring to the OP, not anyone else and their situation.

My family very rarely came to visit me and my parents, it was always us going to them.
As a result, I decided not to bother with them as I got older, now I only see them at weddings and funerals.
OP I'm not going to tell you what to do, it''s up to you how you handle the situation, but I will say this:

If they can't be bothered to visit when they're within 30 mins of you, or even say they're in the area and ask if you'd like to join them where they are, then don't bother with them and don't put your kids in a situation where they will be disappointed in your family.
I would hate to think your children will grow up with the same way of thinking that I now have but unfortunately with some people acting the way they do, it's inevitable x

My parents were great with my dc all three of them. When my dad died my son and my mum were the only people there. My fab son helped mum organise the events of that day he was only 15. My exh parents were rubbish they wanted my children to eat copious amounts of food that they didn't like and do tricks for them... They wouldn't shut their revolting dogs out even though my eldest was allergic to them and when their own dd had her first baby they dropped us like hot bricks we hardly saw them after that. All good things come to those who wait

4 hours is quite a long way. it sounds like their other child is nearer. It seems odd they don't visit as they get on with their son well but maybe they sense you resent them and maybe there isn't much space and they need to sort out somewhere to stay.
I think its odd you talk about your kids being picked up and dropped like hot potatoes. It sounds as though they just visit infrequently, and you visit them infrequently so no hot potatoes just an 8 hour round journey.
My kids saw my parents infrequently as it was an 8 hour one way journey. That didn't affect them being their grandparents and loving them and them having a great relationship when they saw them.
My grandparents lived 3 hours away as a child and we saw them every 3 months or so, we travelled to them more than they travelled to us.
Can you visit them more if you want to see more of them?

My PIL lived less than ten minutes from us in the car and around 20-25 from my SIL. They have always made much more of an effort to see SIL's DC than ours. They seem genuinely fond/proud of our DC but have done many hurtful things along the way which has been most hurtful for our DD (whom I used to take there for lunch once a week when she was in primary and allowed to leave at lunchtime so not due to lack of effort on my part).

Worst for me though was this. When I was 24 weeks pregnant with ds2, my gynaecologist told me I had to have complete bed rest (risk of losing ds2, not a health issue for me). My dm was visiting (I live in Belgium) and offered to take unpaid leave to stay. I managed to arrange a rota with friends so no need. Ds1 got bronchitis so I had to cancel the rota (all friends had dc who were coming to play with ds1). Dh asked his dm if he could take ds1 there (dh in family business with dfil, office in their apartment so dh would have been there a lot of the time though working, dh main contributor so not ideal for anyone for him to take time off). Dmil said no as she was going to England with dsil to the sales for a few days. At 26 weeks, the situation was worse and my gynaecologist said I had to either get someone in to look after ds1 full time or she would have me in hospital on a drip the next day. DMil replied "I'd help but I have my own house to run". I know if it had been my dsil, she would have been there like a shot (dniece had some health issues some years later and dmil was there nearly every day despite the fact that she had stopped driving so had to get two trams and then walk a fair way). I would never expect the same treatment as their dd of course but this was the life of their dgs at risk!

Most in laws are. Be thankful they don't want to visit you - I tell you - it's a blessing.

Lillith reading the majority of these posts I'm quickly coming to that exact conclusion.

Longtime I'm flabbergasted, what utter arseholes!!!

I have contact/a relationship with a family with a similar issue.

The reason for it is that the PIL hate their son's wife.

They are terribly middle class and so are terribly polite with her and would never be openly rejecting or rude. She's aware that initially they weren't that keen but thinks it's all ok now and they've come round. She's wrong. They still think the wife is dreadful and their son made a terrible mistake.

A child is part of both parents and I know one of these PIL finds this particularly difficult. This PIL said "I look at the child and can't get past the fact it's half of the mother".

I agree with an earlier poster who said the relationship with the grandchildren will only be as good as the relationship between the PIL and the spouse-in-law (ie. their daughter or son in law). I think it's most acute where the in-law is the daughter because mothers are still often primary carers so it is harder to see the child regularly if you really don't want to see the mother.

It maybe that whatever you think and however nicely-nicely they play with you, they actually just don't like you and this is a "turn off" for them in terms of seeing their grandchildren.

Outed....need to name change and it won't let me! HELP!!