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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my in laws are fuckers??

168 replies

Bringmevino · 20/07/2016 23:08

Is it unreasonable of me to think that my in laws might want to spend time with my children who are also the children of my husband, their son, and therefore also their grandchildren? DH's sister lives about an hour away whilst in laws live about 4hrs away. They regularly go and see SIL and her PFB who isn't yet 1 but don't come to see my DS 3 and my DD 1.5. They go to see people who live 30 mins from me and don't come to see my DC. They're currently staying with SIL and won't come and see us on the only day we're here due to an already booked holiday that they know about despite having no plans. This will be the 5th time they have been local to us and we haven't seen them, I suppose there's progress as at least we know this time that they are even here! Now I'm obviously biased but my DC are great and incredible and wonderful, DS is crazy for his grandparents and talks about them a lot and I obviously encourage this because I think family is very important. Why can't they spend some time with him/us? My DD is quite reserved with strangers and takes a while to warm up and I'd have thought they might like her to get to know them so that she doesn't consider them strangers. We go to them as often as we can. I'm just so upset for my little people right now. I've asked in the past and they wouldn't change their plans or even make plans involving us. Anyone?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bringmevino · 21/07/2016 08:53

Thank you everyone for all of the messages, I'm saddened to see that this seems to be so common. I know people are crazy and families can be strange but it's sad!

To answer some of your questions etc., we've invited them, made it clear they're wanted, made it clear we're sad they go to SIL and not to us, DH will, very politely, tell them he's disappointed when they don't make plans with us or tell us they're in the area, drop ins aren't really possible as they live so far away and they do like to plan and organise.

I keep writing text messages to them this morning but deleting them, asking them to come/telling them how I feel.

Ironically DS woke up asking to play with them.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/07/2016 08:55

You didn't answer this point Bringme - is there some reason you can't/don't want to go to SIL's while they're there?

branofthemist · 21/07/2016 08:56

I wouldn't text them. Let dh deal with them.

Original poster
Bringmevino · 21/07/2016 09:04

I don't drive so can't get there and they have plans that they won't change.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/07/2016 09:17

Ah right - so they're not even "allowing" you to join in while they're down.
That is worse.
Mean buggers :(

t4gnut · 21/07/2016 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bigarse1 · 21/07/2016 09:32

we are in the exact same situation. mil looks after other grandchildren all 6 weeks of the summer holidays but has never offered to have ours even though the other grandchildren are all much older now and she no longer babysits. when we had our last 2 (twins) it became clear that they are disabled. for 3 years we have managed on between 2 and 4 hours sleep a night and they have never offered any help. when in hospital with them they didn't visit. when they've been throwing up but ive still had to take them out to get my other child they haven't offered to help and when ive straight out asked ive been given stupid excuses like they cant because they are cleaning the toilet!
they paid the majority of their daughters wedding but when we got married they didn't pay for anything, told us they would put some money in a card for us - card had nothing in it!
I don't expect anything from them but I do think its sad that we have no relationship with them and nor do our children. for those saying maybe they don't know if they are welcome - we have tried everything! weve told them they are welcome to drop in, weve invited them to specific things and nothing. they live 10 mins form us.
when we go to them mil spends her whole time telling us what she has done for her other children and grandchildren

Only1scoop · 21/07/2016 09:33

Send the text saying

'any chance we could at least meet up or come over for a quick lunch today as DC would love to see you'

Type of thing

You said you don't think they have much on with sil, so send it.

If no reply I certainly wouldn't bother again.

Ladymayormaynot · 21/07/2016 09:36

Some people are just plain nasty, self-obsessed, lazy, vain, controlling, violent etc. Becoming a parent or a grandad parent doesn't change them & u can't change them either. It's bad luck if u get stuck with them for parents or ILs. But if your DH has good relationship with them & they are not of above sort. hasn't he told them how he feels? Does he give them big hugs when they meet & let them know he's delighted to see them? There's so many threads on here where what seems to be missing is a good dollop of affection & staying close. My own ILs were lovely so I was fortunate however my father would have been a lost cause. He wasn't even interested in his own children. My DSs both live 2-3 hrs away but we text/phone frequently sometimes just to say goodnight/send on a joke. Try warming up the relationship between DH & parents & maybe visits will increase. If doesn't work then don't lose any sleep over it, some families just aren't worth the effort

GabsAlot · 21/07/2016 10:10

what do they rely when u say can u come visit when youre in the area or do they just make excusese all the time

its hard to understand some peoples way of thinking

GabsAlot · 21/07/2016 10:11

*reply

OliviaStabler · 21/07/2016 12:43

Sounds like there needs to be a frank sit down talk as there are clearly issues on their side that need to be aired for you all t move forwards.

My GM never wanted anything to do with me due to family issues and it really hurt that all my cousins were loved by her but I was not worth any time or effort.

Original poster
Bringmevino · 21/07/2016 12:50

They have a good relationship with DH, they hug, they talk at least every week for at least half an hour.

I did text in the end, haven't had a reply yet.

Why is this such a common theme I wonder?

OP posts:
MoonStar07 · 21/07/2016 13:12

My inlaws live 10 mins away as does my SIL. I just think my MIL is closer to her daughter than her son. So it seems although we almost all
Live in the same town my SILs kids have loads of sleepovers and tonnes of their toys at my MILs house. I think it's weird and honestly yeah sometimes I am sad about it. But my mil is also an unpaid carer to two adults so I know she has limited time. When she sees my childrens she's loving and kind. But it's sad to see that my kids don't have the same bond as my SILs kids do with their Grandmother.

pinkie1982 · 21/07/2016 13:33

Sounds very familiar.
My MIL was indifferent to me announcing my pregnancy. They live 10 mins away by car/30 mins walk.
They phone my DP to complain that I haven't taken DS to see them but they don't interact with him anyway (and you have to make your own cup of tea and it's like you are talking to a brick wall). He is 13 months now. MIL regularly, prob 3 times a week, visits a friend in my street but never knocks on my door.
DP is MILs 'golden boy' as she calls him so you would think they would have more interest.
It's them that are missing out.

harderandharder2breathe · 21/07/2016 13:37

Do you go and visit them?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/07/2016 13:45

My sister's partner has 3 DC, oldest one by another mother. Partner's mother is all over this oldest DGC, but has almost no time for the other 2, despite them all being close in age and all the same sex. The reason has never been said out loud but it's fairly plain it's because she really doesn't like my sister, so takes it out on her children. Which utterly sucks - but she'll be the loser because the other children will have less and less time for her as they grow older, and even the oldest one is pissed off about it.

So, even though you might think you get on well, maybe they just secretly don't really like you :(

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/07/2016 13:49

fuck em OP, there will be backstory and from the very little evidence you portray, I do NOT like the sound of them

they sounds like the kind of cunts that would, if their deigned to visit, go on about the others instead and how great they are

Kind of like Toxic ILs, but you don't need to go NC as they have done the job

See it as a near miss, and I hope your DC don't even have any idea what they are missing

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/07/2016 13:51

and, gently let DS "forget" about them. as he will, he is only wee X

pinkie1982 · 21/07/2016 13:55

harder - were you asking me if I visit PIL?
I do but not without DP. I try to have a conversation with MIL but get blanked or spoken over. She is very abrupt and not at all hospitable. I have been there once in 9 years (before our DS) and she was so rude but tells the family I'm the 'best thing that's happened to her DS'.
The rare occasion she comes to ours she gets a warm welcome and the offer of a cup of tea straight away. That's just what our house is like.
We included her in the pregnancy, took her to our 4D scan, invited her into hospital when I had him. I was in there for two weeks, she visited for 15 mins. FIL stayed in the car waiting. At DS first birthday they came for half an hour. I had to go to the shops and buy his birthday present from her as she couldn't be bothered (her own words). Even then she didn't wrap it

FlyingElbows · 21/07/2016 13:58

My parents have never shown any interest in my children. It's a shame but they don't miss what they've never had. Op don't encourage false or "fantasy" relationships in your children, it won't do them any favours.

whataboutbob · 21/07/2016 14:09

This comes up a lot. I think for all our modern ways people are tribal, and see their daughters' children as being closer. Whether this is selfish gene stuff (their daughter's kids and therefore definitely their grandchildren, not so their son's kids) or mothers are just closer to daughters and vice versa. I say this with a certain sadness, I lost my mum in my twenties nearly 10 yrs before having my first kid, and have 2 sons and no daughter. Daughters are on the whole more likely to step up to the mark when parents are elderly and need care, so maybe that's also a factor.

gaggiagirl · 21/07/2016 14:10

My PILs live about 200 yards away. They have yet to take an interest in our children. MIL has already planned the days she will be looking after SILs yet to be conceived child.

Their loss.

Original poster
Bringmevino · 21/07/2016 14:13

Stopfuckingshouting - thank you, and you're right of course. I need to get over them and forget about it, just hard and hurtful. I love your post. Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Maz2444466 · 21/07/2016 18:24

My PIL live in Spain half the year and when they are in England, they are always planning on seeing us but don't make it. I think they are happier going out with their friends drinking and for meals than seeing us. Makes me sad as DC doesn't have much family. SIL didn't bother turning up for his second birthday because she was busy doing her grocery shopping. They are a bunch of tossers. I keep trying though for DC's sake.