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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my in laws are fuckers??

168 replies

Bringmevino · 20/07/2016 23:08

Is it unreasonable of me to think that my in laws might want to spend time with my children who are also the children of my husband, their son, and therefore also their grandchildren? DH's sister lives about an hour away whilst in laws live about 4hrs away. They regularly go and see SIL and her PFB who isn't yet 1 but don't come to see my DS 3 and my DD 1.5. They go to see people who live 30 mins from me and don't come to see my DC. They're currently staying with SIL and won't come and see us on the only day we're here due to an already booked holiday that they know about despite having no plans. This will be the 5th time they have been local to us and we haven't seen them, I suppose there's progress as at least we know this time that they are even here! Now I'm obviously biased but my DC are great and incredible and wonderful, DS is crazy for his grandparents and talks about them a lot and I obviously encourage this because I think family is very important. Why can't they spend some time with him/us? My DD is quite reserved with strangers and takes a while to warm up and I'd have thought they might like her to get to know them so that she doesn't consider them strangers. We go to them as often as we can. I'm just so upset for my little people right now. I've asked in the past and they wouldn't change their plans or even make plans involving us. Anyone?!

OP posts:
Masketti · 21/07/2016 18:45

It always saddens me on these threads the piss poor lame excuses family use not to see each other. Grocery shopping, cleaning the toilet and others. Children love being part of a family and I'm saddened when GPs want nothing or little to do with their DCs. You've tried OP but I think you need to leave it to your DH for your own sanity.

KERALA1 · 21/07/2016 19:44

Exactly masketti. When you are binned in favour of grocery shopping or the possibility of paperwork you can only draw one conclusion sadly

Iwasbornin1993 · 21/07/2016 19:54

I couldn't forgive this kind of behaviour. Your poor DC - it's your PIL's loss!

Original poster
Bringmevino · 21/07/2016 19:58

My blood is still boiling and my ears are still steaming but Masketti you are right. 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Bringmevino · 21/07/2016 20:00

And to everyone saying its PIL's loss, thank you. Can't believe how common this is and how crap and cunty some ILs can be. Whatever the issue surely it's not right or fair or decent to take it out on little children?!

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 21/07/2016 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cosmo111 · 21/07/2016 20:23

My inlaws are abit like this lovely people but not particularly interested in looking after DC often. When I was pregnant with SPD they didn't offer much help. SIL was fab though, she has a great relationship with DD. Now SIL is pregnant MIL seems abit jealous of SILs inlaws having SILs baby too much , baby isn't here yet. I can see my DCs getting push out but it does seem to be apparent that mums and DDs are closer than DS and DILs. I regularly see my own DM so have a good relationship.

I know DH raised it with his DM once after asking to have DD as a baby. We rarely asked and she barely saw her, she say didn't seem to understand it wasn't even baby sitting but developing a relationship with DD. Recently they have been better though made abit more of an effort but I think that's down to SIL saying something.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/07/2016 22:03

It's sad - and the only way you can cope is by emotionally insulating yourself and protecting your children. I hope That as time passes the hurt they cause will recede X

RubbleBubble00 · 21/07/2016 22:08

Do you go and see them?

Original poster
Bringmevino · 21/07/2016 22:08

Navy - I said that DS had woken up asking to play with them and as they were local and not that busy would they be up for coming to see us for a cuppa or something? I didn't get a reply until about an hour ago and it said that no they couldn't. I'd worked that out already.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bringmevino · 21/07/2016 22:10

Rubble - no I didn't, I don't drive and to get here by public transport is an absolute pig, plus they had already said they wouldn't change their plans to accommodate us going to them.

OP posts:
bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 21/07/2016 22:20

I had this issue with my DF whom I no longer see.

DF showed little interest when my DS was born. He and DM were married at the time. He came to see us (125 miles away) about 3 times a year whereas my DM saw us weekly. I didn't expect weekly being 125 miles away, but shows you the differences in attitude.

His interest lessened even when DD arrived last year. He saw her TWICE before deciding in November (she was 8 months old) that he no longer wanted contact with me. (Loooooong story!)
From July to November I rang him once. He never ONCE asked how I was (after emergency surgery) or how his GC were.

TBH, I am quite glad we have no contact. He forgot our anniversary, DH's birthday and any DF who can cut off his daughter and grandchildren so easily and with no regret or remorse is not really worth having in your life.

I would not encourage nor discourage your son talking about his grandparents and talk to them when they can be bothered.

My DS never asks about his grandad anymore. It has been 14 months since he last saw him. DD is now 16 months and was 12 weeks old the last time she had contact with him.

Only1scoop · 21/07/2016 22:40

Awful Op Flowers

Have a nice holiday and don't let their treatment of your family spoil it

FoxInABox · 22/07/2016 17:39

Op I feel for you- this is completely their loss and they will miss out on the lovely relationships they could have had with them. My PIL were (MIL has since passed away)/ are the same- SIL gets a lot of help, practical and financial- children minded every weekend and school holidays, FIL pays for her car and for the kids uniforms and clothes at Easter, Christmas and in the holidays etc. Our children get nothing at all. No interest in them whatsoever. I can only assume it's some old fashioned notion whereby they think their DD needs more help than their DS.

Hostinthemaking · 22/07/2016 17:52

It's their loss and the relationship can't be regained when they feel like it. You reap what you sow emotionally. PIL think giving DH money is what you do. No emotional support, guidance or practical help. Just cold hard cash which isn't asked for. Feels like being bought and tbh we struggle with practicalities of childcare over holidays etc so are using money to buy care. However it would be preferable if PIL offered help - local, retired and able to - but they don't YANBU.

adapt · 22/07/2016 18:06

Ha! My inlaws live in London. We live in Glasgow. They drove to Inverness to pick up a puppy and basically drove past our house - we live city centre, 5 mins from the motorway - without stopping in for so much as a cup of tea. DDs 1&2 were 3 and 1.5 at the time. Sent us an email (a fcking email, mind you!!!) saying that they wouldn't pop in because "it was a long drive". At least now I know where we stand in their priorities... after the fcking dogs!!!

Spadequeen · 22/07/2016 18:10

It's not always in laws. My dad hasn't been in touch with me for about 5 years. No idea why, he's just an arse. His loss not mine or my children's.

Shona52 · 22/07/2016 18:12

I think you need to talk about it. As there has to be a reason. Isn't imagine any gp not wanting to see their gc. I'm very lucky as I have good relationships with but parents and they all see my dd all the time which is so important to my dd. But my pil don't have such a good relationship with their dil and as a result don't see as much of the gs as they would like

bigel · 22/07/2016 18:14

My mum is exactly like this... its because she prefers my brother to me to a degree which i now find comical... it may be that your mother in law is a narcissist - they tend to have one who they exclude and one who they favour. Just let it ride, easier said than done I know, but don't let it bring you down. good luck!

Memoires · 22/07/2016 18:36

It must ve disappointing to feel left out like this. However, I think you could help yourselves a little. They's already travelled 3 hours to get to SIL's, and I can understand that they don't want to travel another hour or so. Can your dh and his sis organise things so that you go and spend a day at SIL's when the PILS are there?

My family are quite scattered, so when you visit one family in a location, all the nearer families will pile round so everyone sees you while you're there. It's great. So, when we lived in London, we'd go to spend a week with an uncle in Sussex, and all the relatives within a couple of hours drive would pop in at some point during that time. The same thing when we visited aunt in Dorset, relatives in Dorset, Devon, Gloucs, Worcs, Somerset would appear - sometimes all at once! (Yes, large family.)

elenafrancesca · 22/07/2016 18:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Adele1980 · 22/07/2016 18:45

My pil aren't interested in my son I do agree that they will only like you're children as much as they like you! I'm just gutted because I moved to Sheffield to be with my now husband and all my family are 2 hours away I think my mil uses this against me! She has looked after my son 4 times since he was born he is 4. I did ask if I had done something wrong or to offend her and she said it was different with me than it was with her daughters child, who she looks after/takes out every week! My husband isn't interested in his parents so I just regard this as their loss, I think my son is pretty special and we have another on the way there is only one other child in the family!!

Memoires · 22/07/2016 18:52

It must ve disappointing to feel left out like this. However, I think you could help yourselves a little. They's already travelled 3 hours to get to SIL's, and I can understand that they don't want to travel another hour or so. Can your dh and his sis organise things so that you go and spend a day at SIL's when the PILS are there?

My family are quite scattered, so when you visit one family in a location, all the nearer families will pile round so everyone sees you while you're there. It's great. So, when we lived in London, we'd go to spend a week with an uncle in Sussex, and all the relatives wtithin a couple of hours drive would pop in at some point during that time. The same thing when we visited aunt in Dorset, relatives in Dorset, Devon, Gloucs, Worcs, Somerset would appear - sometimes all at once! (Yes, large family.)

Memoires · 22/07/2016 18:52

Sorry Blush no idea why that posted twice

BummyMummy77 · 22/07/2016 19:01

Same situation here. Ds hasn't seen his Grandparents but half an hour in 2 months and they live in the house but one!!

Sil and her daughter live there so see them every day. I had a good cry just this morning when ds asked why Memere and Grandpa have gone away so long. Utter cunts.

Easy to be all 'yeah fuck it' when it's just you but when there are kids suffering its awful.