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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my in laws are fuckers??

168 replies

Bringmevino · 20/07/2016 23:08

Is it unreasonable of me to think that my in laws might want to spend time with my children who are also the children of my husband, their son, and therefore also their grandchildren? DH's sister lives about an hour away whilst in laws live about 4hrs away. They regularly go and see SIL and her PFB who isn't yet 1 but don't come to see my DS 3 and my DD 1.5. They go to see people who live 30 mins from me and don't come to see my DC. They're currently staying with SIL and won't come and see us on the only day we're here due to an already booked holiday that they know about despite having no plans. This will be the 5th time they have been local to us and we haven't seen them, I suppose there's progress as at least we know this time that they are even here! Now I'm obviously biased but my DC are great and incredible and wonderful, DS is crazy for his grandparents and talks about them a lot and I obviously encourage this because I think family is very important. Why can't they spend some time with him/us? My DD is quite reserved with strangers and takes a while to warm up and I'd have thought they might like her to get to know them so that she doesn't consider them strangers. We go to them as often as we can. I'm just so upset for my little people right now. I've asked in the past and they wouldn't change their plans or even make plans involving us. Anyone?!

OP posts:
ZippyNeedsFeeding · 22/07/2016 19:07

My mother lives three miles away and never comes to see my children. They adore her, for reasons best known to themselves, even though she isn't especially nice to them.

My parents and I have had a huge falling out recently, but I have since seen my mother and made it clear that she is always welcome to come and see the children or to take them out. she hasn't come here and I'm tired of making excuses for her when the children ask, so I just say that I don't know why she goes to visit other people and not them. She didn't bother with then before we fell out either, it isn't just because of that.

If my parents wanted to see their only grandchildren, they would make the effort. It's hard but I just have to accept that they don't want to and leave it at that.

craftwhore · 22/07/2016 19:19

*We have similar - plus refusal to help. We never ask for anything but just once just once needed them to have kids so we could go to my sisters child free wedding. I was bridesmaid. All my family there obv. We asked them 6 months before. They agreed. FYI they are young ish fit and healthy and recently retired twiddling thumbs. We only have x2 kids who are notoriously well behaved and easy.

They pulled out the week before because "they might have some paperwork to do". That was it for me.*

Omg, KERALA1, are you me?? Very very similar situation, it upset me so much.

GDarling · 22/07/2016 19:27

I'm wondering if, as they have travelled for 3 hrs, perhaps you can travel for 1 hr?
It's always the same the mother gets on better with their own daughter than with the DIL.
A mother can say what she wants to a daughter, hopefully without offence, but they can't say boo! to most DIL's.
The saying goes...'When your children marry, you lose your sons but keep your daughters' !!
Are you an accommodating DIL? Easy to get on with? Not too many rules? Do you watch what they are doing/saying to the children? Maybe they just don't feel relaxed around you, maybe it's nothing personal! It's just them and their silly ways.
Don't go and see them, go to your parents instead, if they ask why, tell them the truth. Have you mentioned it to yr SIL??

girltalk · 22/07/2016 19:38

You know what, some in-laws are just like this. Mine have never offered to take our DS out once in 15 years. I used to look jealously at other grandparents taking their GCs to panto, cinema, zoo etc. but the one time they ever did was when we suggested it & bought the tickets for the zoo for them. Even them MIL made some comment about having to keep him amused (he was about 6 at the time!). Their attitude has always been they don't like to intrude but to be honest they were like this with their own kids, my DH & SIL. Neither can remember them ever being that interested in doing things with them growing up. It's sad, especially as my Mum lives abroad but she has always made the most of it with non stop attention during visits or when we go there. Nothing you can do really but they reap what they sow.

PastaLaFeasta · 22/07/2016 19:39

It's similar for us, except no other grandkids - SIL is just favoured and if she has kids (possible she isn't planning to and is older), they are likely to be doted on in a way ours have never been. DH is supported less in general - financially, emotionally and practically. SIL is treated as if she's helpless while DH has to just get on with it. I went NC when this blatant favouritism was undeniable. They refused to help when we were desperate but later supported SIL in the same way - her need was due to a choice planned knowing they'd have that support. It's like DH is only half family, and this didn't happened because he got married. It's sexist rubbish. I don't have sons but could never deny them support.

Boysnme · 22/07/2016 19:45

We have the opposite. My PIL are fab. They are great with us and our kids. My dad on the other hand ...

You can't choose your family unfortunately and sometimes just have to find a way to get on with it.

Adele1980 · 22/07/2016 19:51

We joke that if my mil could have wet nursed my SIL's kid she would have 😂 My dad is wonderful will drive for two hours to see us then take my son out for the day couldn't have asked for better!!

Anmi0802 · 22/07/2016 19:57

I think the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren are very special and important, so why don't you invite them to come around more often and cook nice meals? Show them you want them to make part of your family's life? Maybe they think you don't card too much ?

hrtbigbutt · 22/07/2016 20:08

I have this with my DH family, I am sorry I don't have any advice but for what it is worth you are not alone!!

FaFoutis · 22/07/2016 20:20

YANBU. They sound like fuckers to me. Mine are fuckers too.

There are always posters on these threads who can't comprehend the idea of grandparents or parents being horrible cunts. It doesn't help the OP if you tell her to plan a dinner or avoid having 'too many rules'. You are lucky if you don't understand how powerless you actually are to change anything in relationships like this.

The only thing to do is accept it and detach, but that is easier said than done.

Bambamrubblesmum · 22/07/2016 20:23

Anmi she did invite them round. They declined.

Original poster
Bringmevino · 22/07/2016 20:27

Wow, so many of us with crappy ILs or parents! I'm a bit shocked reading all of these messages. I feel massively supported by all you lovely MNers and thank you but also annoyed and pissed off for all of your shitty, shitty grandparent experiences!!!

OP posts:
Anmi0802 · 22/07/2016 20:29

All I said FaFoutis, is sometimes people think we don't like them, maybe if they don't feel welcomed then they might try to avoid coming. It doesn't mean it's the case and maybe they are just horrible people, but maybe not, she is asking opinion and I'm giving mine here. You give your and that's it, isn't it? I thought the idea of these posts are to give our opinions? I'm sorry if I'm wrong, but that's how it should work. And I'm saying here from my own experience, it happened to me like this with my mother in law so I think it can work for her as well.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 22/07/2016 20:32

It's very frustrating to me that it's often assumed that the parents are keeping the poor grandparents from their beloved grandchildren. I'm pretty sure that's what my mother tells people and it couldn't be further from the truth.

I don't understand why they don't care about my children, but they don't. There was a flicker of interest when my father realised that my oldest son is good at woodwork and would willingly work for nothing, but then all the available work was done and they lost interest again.

People who care tend to make an effort. If they aren't making an effort it's probably because they don't want to.

FaFoutis · 22/07/2016 20:34

She invited them, they said no.
Even if you felt unwelcome wouldn't you put up with it to see your grandchildren? I would.

My point is that some lucky people with nice families really don't understand these situations (not meaning you specifically Amni). When you and your children are constantly rejected by people who should care you tend to turn it on yourself. The last thing you need to hear is that it could be your fault.

Anmi0802 · 22/07/2016 20:34

I didn't see that bambam it's a shame they didn't accepted her invitation

Anmi0802 · 22/07/2016 20:36

FaFoutis you are right, I might not understand. it's a shame people can be like this because the kids suffer from all these situations, the poor kids dot understand why their grandparents don't want to be their friend

Glitterbug76 · 22/07/2016 20:38

I know from quite a few of my mums friends and my aunties who have sons they said its a lot of the time they are closer to their daughters children as they felt they felt it's like that old saying a daughter for life a sons a son till he gets a wife ( not saying I agree with that) My friend had a very similar situ to you now her sons 11 he won't come out of his room now when his grand parents ( paternal ) who still rarely visit, my freind asks him to come and speak out of respect, however he spent years as a child asking when they were visiting or asking to visit my friend would take him up on a regular basis and they would always be on their way out even when she rang in advance they wouldn't even have him in the car due to insurance !! Children arnt daft they see who loves then X

FaFoutis · 22/07/2016 20:45

I just tell my children that their grandparents are shits, in an age appropriate way of course. It is either that or my dc will think it is their fault that the grandparents don't bother with them.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 22/07/2016 20:57

Every situation is slightly different. But a friend of mine complains about how rarely they see her in-laws, who travel much further to see DH's siblings. But at the same time she doesn't really like them, refuses to invite them round (that's her DH's job not hers), dislikes people turning up unannounced at her house and has had a go at them over minor differences of opinions in the past.
So in that case I can see why they stay away but appreciate it's not always like that.

Glitterbug76 · 22/07/2016 20:59

I agree with fafoutis, im totally different though than my freind who let her situation and her sons hurt go on for years until he realised him self I had a similar situ with my father in law who had remarried and would visit his step grandkids more than our children. It's very difficult my friend said she didn't say any thing to her in laws out of respect to her hubby, I'm just a typical Leo firey ! And don't always think of the consequences but I just can't stand injustices as in treating one child or in these cases grand child different than another and I really did try all the time to see my f i l and take his grandchildren up invite him and his wife round.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 22/07/2016 21:05

I also remember a conversation I overheard at the train station where a woman was saying how hard she found it to stay in touch with her son's children. She'd invited them to stay, offered to go to stay with them, and been constantly turned down, and said she just got the feeling her DIL didn't like her.
She added "that's the difference between your son having kids and your daughter having kids. When your daughter has children they're like yours, when your son has children they're not yours, they're "hers".

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 22/07/2016 21:09

I just tell my children that their grandparents are shits,
My children have started to tell me this, which is a relief because I can just make sure they don't actually swear and not comment on the rest. Except for the youngest, who is only 4. He invents things his grandmother has made for him, or done with him and insists that they really happened. It breaks my heart.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 22/07/2016 21:11

Glitterbug, we have same situation with FIL seeing step-grandchildren more than his own grandchildren. That's partly down to (awful) MIL but he's to blame for being a doormat.

He once referred to his step-grandchildren as "ours."

In the context of "oh your boys (his bloody grandsons....) are into Lego now? So are ours!"

FaFoutis · 22/07/2016 21:13

IFinished you could look at that in a very different way.