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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my in laws are fuckers??

168 replies

Bringmevino · 20/07/2016 23:08

Is it unreasonable of me to think that my in laws might want to spend time with my children who are also the children of my husband, their son, and therefore also their grandchildren? DH's sister lives about an hour away whilst in laws live about 4hrs away. They regularly go and see SIL and her PFB who isn't yet 1 but don't come to see my DS 3 and my DD 1.5. They go to see people who live 30 mins from me and don't come to see my DC. They're currently staying with SIL and won't come and see us on the only day we're here due to an already booked holiday that they know about despite having no plans. This will be the 5th time they have been local to us and we haven't seen them, I suppose there's progress as at least we know this time that they are even here! Now I'm obviously biased but my DC are great and incredible and wonderful, DS is crazy for his grandparents and talks about them a lot and I obviously encourage this because I think family is very important. Why can't they spend some time with him/us? My DD is quite reserved with strangers and takes a while to warm up and I'd have thought they might like her to get to know them so that she doesn't consider them strangers. We go to them as often as we can. I'm just so upset for my little people right now. I've asked in the past and they wouldn't change their plans or even make plans involving us. Anyone?!

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 22/07/2016 21:16

I meant your other post about the train station grandmother.

IFinsished, I have exactly the same sitaution with my father, down to the 'ours'.

Glitterbug76 · 22/07/2016 21:17

I think that's true, my hubby has a daughter and his mum and ex never got on so when I started seeing my hubby I made a real effort to involve her when we got married took her with my mum when I chose my wedding dress it was mum an mum in law who saw my dd first together after she was born had her exactly the same when I went back to work, but she would never call with out an invite I think some people are just like that she sadly passed away in November.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 22/07/2016 21:26

FaFoutis, yes could only go on face value. And I was also interpreting it through the lens of someone who has boys, who was thinking "Oh my god, there's no hope for me ever seeing my future grandchildren then!!"

But someone else may have interpreted the same conversation in a different way.

Glitterbug76 · 22/07/2016 21:26

I finished the biscuits sorry I read your post after writing my last ! It's awful isn't it an feel
Bad for saying but her kids wouldn't see my f in law if any thing happened to their mum !! They have a dad and, but like you say I think it's if the f -in laws would stand up to their newish wife's !! My f in law now lives 5 hours away comes up to stay with her kids and we just get a knock on the door to see if we're by chance in we don't know they are planning to come to visit !! My sister in law is really struggling with the death of her mum as she has a learning difficulty but her dad didn't come up but comes up to see his step sons wife's new baby xx

beautygal29 · 22/07/2016 21:31

I have this with my MIL she will visit DD kids who live much further away than we do and yet our DS barely ever sees her as she just can't be bothered! It makes me feel quite sad for him as I never knew that "family" could act like this. I'm now taking the stance after defending the woman for years that if she can't be bothered then neither can I! It's horrible though as it was never they way I wanted it to be.

FaFoutis · 22/07/2016 21:33

I'm a daughter and my parents don't bother with me or the dc - despite my many attempts to try to interest them in their own grandchildren.

I think the daugher / son thing is a red herring. It is an excuse for doing what they want. As often is 'she won't let me see them', or 'we feel unwelcome', or 'you live too far away' etc etc.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 22/07/2016 21:35

FaFoutis I'm in very much the same situation. My one comfort is that at least they can't damage their grandchildren in the way they damaged their own children.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 22/07/2016 21:36

Re: "ours", I was gutted for DH, and our sons. Was also gutted for DH when we went to their new house and there were photos of FIL's wife's daughter everywhere, in the living room, portraits along the hall, a massive collage in the bedroom. And not a single photo of of DH. Admittedly step-MIL does the decor but FIL could have told her it was a bit overboard...

But there comes a point where you've got to give up on them.

ILoveMyMonkeys1404 · 22/07/2016 21:37

Some people don't know how fortunate they are, my MIL is the same will go 10 mins down the road to see SIL and her son, but wont let slip to us that she has because she knows that we wont be happy about it. She has gone nearly a year without seeing my two little people. And that makes Me so angry but you can only make so much of and effort. As frustrating as it is. Just explain to them in possibly not a nice way that it is effecting the children and that they want to see them and are always talking about them ☺

FaFoutis · 22/07/2016 21:40

True Zippy. Once you let go of the hope that they will miraculously turn into loving grandparents their decision to have little or nothing to do with us is actually the best outcome.
We have a lot of freedom (no Christmas demands for example) and a tight bond as a one layer family.

Glitterbug76 · 22/07/2016 21:42

Beautygal, I've now come to the conclusion that it's their loss !! My f i l visits once in a blue moon and when he comes my dd is all over him telling him how much she loves him and he tells her, an I think because she doesn't see him she does forget him I think people who genuinely love your children will make a effort weather they are family or not indeed some of the people that have the most time for her and know her most are not family but I'm not bothered now aslong as she's surrounded by those that love her xx

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 22/07/2016 21:44

Glitterbug, my FIL has actually been with his "new wife" for years... But it was made very clear from the beginning that DH was not as important as her daughter.
And FIL allowed it, I have very little respect for him for that. He's also allowed himself to be treated like shit by MIL so what goes around comes around. I've seen it when my own eyes, would always make my own decisions about someone, but MIL is not a nice person.

Glitterbug76 · 22/07/2016 22:05

I finished the biscuits,
The thing that I can't under stand and I have
Said this to my hubby how can they spend all this time with their step grand kids and not with their own flesh and blood and not feel guilty?? But like you say they allow their selves to be treated like that. My hubby has a daughter and when we met he made it clear she was his priority but he also said he would not be with me if I didn't love or care for her, in the case of my f in law his wife was v v nice it was when they got married she stopped bothering with us, but he still thinks she's the most amazing person in the world xxx

BummyMummy77 · 22/07/2016 22:12

This is a really sad thread. Sad

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 22/07/2016 22:19

Glitterbug, I suppose that is the benefit of having a shit parent - you decide to never be that shit yourself! I think some people are just selfish and if they're getting what they want (from a new partner) they don't really care about anyone else, or will find ways to justify not seeing children (they're probably busy etc).
DH also has a son from previous relationship and he has a totally different relationship with his son than his dad did with him. And I'll always make sure that we treat all the boys the same too. X

Glitterbug76 · 22/07/2016 22:39

I'm so glad I joined this thread and net mums !! Every one is so lovely and I for one don't feel like it's just our family !! At least we all love our kids and the same when grand kids come , I finished the biscuits lwhen you said about the photos around the house I used to buy my f in law at least 3 frames with photos of the kids for about 5 years until my hubby said STOP !! They arnt getting put up !! Xx

Glitterbug76 · 22/07/2016 22:41

Sorry mums net !! Xx

Original poster
Bringmevino · 22/07/2016 23:05

This is a sad thread isn't it. For those of you who are trying/are over it, any tips? I've decided now that I'm not going to say anything unless I am outright asked. I can protect my DCs from being picked up and dropped like hot potatoes by the ILs far more easily if I'm not angry or hoping for something that's never going to happen from them. Although I've being trying for nearly 2 years to get over something really horrible a 'friend' said about my then unborn daughter and haven't managed it yet so I don't have much hope for myself. Can't believe some of these posts and how vile/callous GPs can be.

OP posts:
Glitterbug76 · 22/07/2016 23:19

It's very difficult as I said before my friend said nothing and let her son come to the conclusion that his grand parents were a waste of space. I did say something to my f in l and my we ended up not speaking for nearly two years but my mother in law passed away and my f in law got in contact ( they had been divorced and both re married ) so now we do see him occasionally my daughter now 5 doesn't seem the slightest bit bothered if she sees him or not, I'm now glad that him and my hubby are speaking but not for my dd for my hubby who what ever shape or form glad have his dad back since he lost his mum. I have a moan about my f - I L and his wife to my mum but I'm not bothered as much as my daughter doesn't seem bothered she only ever bothers with people who bother with her.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 23/07/2016 00:15

Glitterbug - I used to do that with the photos in frames! Now FIL has occasionally started to ask for photos, I think DH pointed out that they had none in his house.
My boys aren't close to him at all but don't think they're really missing out. They had a great relationship with my other MIL (DH's real mum) and I'd take them to see her regularly until she died, and we'd go out together etc. But FIL just doesn't have that much interest and he'll always put his wife first (he'll come round for first time in months, stay 20 minutes, then leave in a rush because he needs to get home because his wife will be getting back from work. The wife he sees EVERY DAY. And who has cheated on him repeatedly.) So can't be bothered with him.
But you're definitely not alone Glitterbug!

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 23/07/2016 07:05

Some parents have a favourite child (they try not to show it but it's obvious) and this can affect relationships for years.

You can only try to be diplomatic. But as has been said they'll reap as they sow. Just wait a few decades - when they get old, suffer ill health etc, it's likely the others will be over-loaded with the responsibility/worry of caring for them.

Jussa1347 · 23/07/2016 08:25

NO......simple as, their behaviour is rude and quite frankly their attitude hurts. I think there will be thousands of people reading your post thinking that this behaviour is exactly like their in laws and put those sensible heads together and no one would be able to give you an answer or a solution other than 'time heals'. Enjoy your lovely children mine are older now and they certainly didn't miss out after having thoughtless Grandparents who preferred the company of their under achiever daughter and her over indulged offspring.

Notmuchtosay1 · 23/07/2016 08:35

I have 3 sons. I hope one day when they're married that they have a wife like you who wants the in laws to see the grandchildren.
My mum didn't meet my youngest son until he was nearly 6. She doesn't drive and wouldn't come to visit. (Can come by coach and would take a few hours) she wanted us to visit her. She couldn't put us up. I visited with the older 2 and stayed in a travel lodge. But when I had the third I didn't want to stay on my own with all 3 in a travel lodge. She was welcome to visit us anytime, we can put her up, but she was happy in her own little world with her new husband who didn't like children. He passed away a few years later. As soon as he was gone she visited.

carbcraver · 23/07/2016 08:40

Genuinely upsets me reading this. Can't believe what 'families' are like!!! OP, maybe your hubby should be the one fretting more, making the move on the communication and visits. Would they react more to him?

Unworthydil · 23/07/2016 08:45

Bringmevino, interesting thread which has prompted me to name change to post here. Someone said that behaviour like favoring one part of the family over another could be to do with narcissism (sorry can't remember who posted that) which has helped me understand my own situation. My mil can be kind and helpful but what's difficult is the contrast between how she treats her two sons and their families. She visits us for about half an hour every now and then, we visit her and she's generous with presents for the kids. What's difficult for my dh to deal with is that she pays for her other son's kids to go to private schools, gave them a deposit to buy a house, looked after their kids regularly while they were growing up and pays for them all to go on holidays together. We don't get any of this which just seems odd (we just live in a rented house and kids go to state schools) I invite her to every Christmas dinner and have held special parties for her. I thought I might be the problem so make sure I don't talk about myself when she visits (she once told dh that she'd lend him some money but only if none of it was spent on my business. I've been running a small, successful business for 10 years) One reason I've posted this is to warn people - don't try too hard in these situations - I've just made things a lot worse by trying to be kind/friendly. I started to plan a short holiday to Paris for my dh' birthday with the kids and asked my mil if she'd like to come with us. My dh was keen to do this and looking forward to it. Next thing that happened - she said she'd be away on his birthday and we've seen in Facebook photos she's posted of herself in Paris with my brother in law's two kids. She has treated them to the holiday and is posting photos about how she is taking them out shopping. Now my dh is upset and taking it out on me. My advice to anyone with in laws whose behaviour you don't understand is to be very careful. They could damage your relationship.