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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my in laws are fuckers??

168 replies

Bringmevino · 20/07/2016 23:08

Is it unreasonable of me to think that my in laws might want to spend time with my children who are also the children of my husband, their son, and therefore also their grandchildren? DH's sister lives about an hour away whilst in laws live about 4hrs away. They regularly go and see SIL and her PFB who isn't yet 1 but don't come to see my DS 3 and my DD 1.5. They go to see people who live 30 mins from me and don't come to see my DC. They're currently staying with SIL and won't come and see us on the only day we're here due to an already booked holiday that they know about despite having no plans. This will be the 5th time they have been local to us and we haven't seen them, I suppose there's progress as at least we know this time that they are even here! Now I'm obviously biased but my DC are great and incredible and wonderful, DS is crazy for his grandparents and talks about them a lot and I obviously encourage this because I think family is very important. Why can't they spend some time with him/us? My DD is quite reserved with strangers and takes a while to warm up and I'd have thought they might like her to get to know them so that she doesn't consider them strangers. We go to them as often as we can. I'm just so upset for my little people right now. I've asked in the past and they wouldn't change their plans or even make plans involving us. Anyone?!

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 21/07/2016 00:23

I have a DD and a DS and don't treat them any differently. Sadly I already see school mums with young DCs favouring DDs over DSs.

I also know of two adult DSs ignored by GPs in favour of DDs.

OP your experience isn't unfortunately uncommon.

Cherish your DCs and get on with your life. Their loss!

ohfourfoxache · 21/07/2016 00:24

I can empathise Op and others

PILs (used to) regularly drive past the end of our road and not bother to visit.

When Ds was born (only grandchild) they didn't visit us in the hospital because visiting times clashes with their dinner time. Even though it was a prolonged stay and he ended up in SCBU.

Oh, and when DH was recently admitted? Well, MIL is quite happy to come back to our area, where one of their two houses is, to visit friends and her mother and BIL at the drop of a hat. When DH was admitted via A&E, on IV antibiotics and antivirals, daily blood tests and worried about his eyesight, was she anywhere to be seen? Was she fuck.

And the kicker? We were expected to run around after FIL after he had a mild stroke in December. 2 hours drive away. With (at the time) a 9 month old. Yeah, they could get to fuck. Consequently we are now in the doghouse and not really on speaking terms with FIL.

Sadly there is no way to change people like that. The only thing you can do is change the way you react. If you find a way to do that, let me know - it's beyond sad and infuriating Sad

Rowanhart · 21/07/2016 00:26

I have this feeling they are sitting there waiting to be invited. I bet sister invites them all the time....

I'd start inviting them to do stuff and see what happens.

RosieSW · 21/07/2016 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/07/2016 00:53

Rosie - think you're on the wrong ILs thread there.

Bringme - it sucks. Your poor DGC. But I guess either your ILs don't like your DH as much as you think, or it is because they're of the "son's a son til he takes a wife, daughter's a daughter for all of your life" style of thinking.

There are some people who don't interest themselves so much in their sons' children because, were they to split with their partner, the GPs might not stay in contact with the mother, and thus lose contact with their DGC. This is a ridiculous way to think! but I actually know people who think like that :(

However, what is to stop you going over to your SIL's house to see them there? Maybe that would be a compromise? Maybe they just don't like your house!

e1y1 · 21/07/2016 01:00

Have I missed something? RosieSW where does niece and pocket money come into it?

SatansLittleHelper2 · 21/07/2016 01:05

Yanbu !

SatansLittleHelper2 · 21/07/2016 01:06

Yanbu !!

DixieNormas · 21/07/2016 02:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tofutti · 21/07/2016 06:27

RosieSW

'You are contradicting yourself. Now, can you calm down and arrange to take your DCs to see their GPs and cousins?'

Rosie, calm down and resd the first post properly. OP said 'We go to them as often as we can'.

branofthemist · 21/07/2016 06:33

We have a similar situation. Pil live 2.5 hours away. Haven't been over since they moved. Nice enough people. Totally not interested in their grand kids though.

Personally it doesn't bother me. They are the ones that are missing out. While mil won't make the drive to us. I found out she drove past our house to meet a friend for lunch. Somewhere further away from where she lives. I just shrug and move on.

CPtart · 21/07/2016 06:56

Long history here of PIL favouring SIL over DH, and this has continued with the subsequent GC. PIL once called SIL children "ours". Have never forgotten it.

KERALA1 · 21/07/2016 06:58

We have similar - plus refusal to help. We never ask for anything but just once just once needed them to have kids so we could go to my sisters child free wedding. I was bridesmaid. All my family there obv. We asked them 6 months before. They agreed. FYI they are young ish fit and healthy and recently retired twiddling thumbs. We only have x2 kids who are notoriously well behaved and easy.

They pulled out the week before because "they might have some paperwork to do". That was it for me.

Bambamrubblesmum · 21/07/2016 07:01

We are in the same boat. ILAWs have never been to our house and come up with really shit excuses. I've invited them numerous times, DH has invited them but nothing. We have been to their house but tbh they both chain smoke, never open windows, everything is filthy and dangerous stuff everywhere so not really toddler or baby friendly. So in the spirit of trying to make it work we tried meeting up in neutral places but then they wouldn't go anywhere but the pub (which we tried and again doesn't work with little kids). I've suggested parks, farms, zoos anything but no.

So I've given up. DH has given up. I know he's angry and sad but we've just had enough of trying. Doesn't stop the whiney phonecall every few weeks though of 'we haven't seen you..' then sending in the flying monkey that is toxic BIL (whole other story!).

We've already decided that this Christmas they are more than welcome to come to our house for dinner but we won't be doing a pub from now on. It was just painful last time and they really weren't interested in the kids at all. Just wanted to talk about their ailments the whole time, which have nothing to do with chain smoking at all Hmm

I'm sad for them and DH but I've given up trying.

P1nkP0ppy · 21/07/2016 07:03

With a heading like that it's pretty clear why.

Helenluvsrob · 21/07/2016 07:05

Maybe they've been reading MN about all the overbearing MILs who are " wanting to see the GC every week and it's terrible I feel so trapped" or " MIL treats my DC as her own , its awful" or even " MIL gives the DC sweet foods , I want to control my kids , I think I'll go NC" ......

In laws, especially dads parents really can't do right for doing wrong on here!

If your son wants to see his grandparents invite them to a day/even that suits you and I bel they'll come running

Griphook · 21/07/2016 07:05

Op do they know they are welcome and not imposing on you?

MyBreadIsEggy · 21/07/2016 07:11

I've learned that some people have very different ideas about what a family is than others.
My parents are very involved with myself, DH and Dd - live over an hour away but are very quick to offer to help out with anything, or just drop by, or invite us over to theirs. My dad sometimes travels to my area for work, and pops in for a coffee and a chat every time.
DH's parents (both remarried, so step-parents included in this), are the exact opposite. They only see Dd a few times a year, and that's usually down to us making those plans, not off their own backs - they would never ring me or DH just to ask after Dd for example, we have to contact them....which is irritating at times, because it tells me they surely can't be that bothered if they aren't making the effort themselves!

SouthDownsSunshine · 21/07/2016 07:12

That's such a shame.

We have a similar issue, but not as stark. FIL lives the other side of our town, about 10-15 minutes drive. MIL lives 2 towns along, 20 minutes drive +. She has caring responsibilities for her father plus an unwell partner. She sees our dd several times a week and loves her company. DD - as a result - adores her.

FIL rarely see us and dd. We've made lots of effort, dh used to phone up at least once a week to ask if he wanted to meet. We've tried planning in advance, phoning in the morning ... he's always 'busy'. He isn't, he's retired and does literally nothing extra other then seeing his siblings and neighbour, and wife.

We saw him on Sunday because we had some bad news about my current pregnancy, with baby having serious heart problems that will require surgery within its first 6 months. But we had to detour to see him, he refused to do anything that fitted with our plans that day. He hardly said anything whilst we were there.

I found out afterwards that he said to another family member 'but no one has asked me how I feel about it'. He has not asked me or dh how we are feeling! He's just incredibly selfish and self centered.

TheOddity · 21/07/2016 07:12

Can I ask do you let them pop in without a load of notice if they were in the area or does it have to be a preplanned visit? Reason I ask is my SIL always wants house pristine if my DM comes round (who doesn't give a toss and doesn't have high standards of housekeeping at all!). My mum finds all the preplanning just for a cuppa and I see grandkids a real unwelcoming faff. Have you made it clear they are welcome any time even just for half an hour if they happen to be near?

Bambamrubblesmum · 21/07/2016 07:13

If your son wants to see his grandparents invite them to a day/even that suits you and I bel they'll come running

I would try everything but don't tell DS just in case they don't bother. No point raising expectations. I went through a period of racking my brains trying to think of ways to make it work but nothing in return.

I guess if you exhaust all possibilities then at least you can say you tried.

Whilst there are over bearing ILAWs there are some who are just not bothered at all. You can't change them just how you react.

Ledkr · 21/07/2016 07:27

My own mother is like this. Makes zero effort with me and my dc since my younger sisters had kids.
It's pretty much destroyed any relationship between me and my family.
She runs about getting busses to see or help my sisters kids and yet never sees mine unless I pop in and I do very little of that these days cos I try to distance myself from it all.

Honeyandfizz · 21/07/2016 07:42

We have this too. Dh father has twice flown to Shanghai from the UK to visit dh brother and family yet he cannot travel 1.5 hours down the motorway to see dh and our dc. Dh is now no contact with his father because he is such a waste of space. I cannot be doing with him either.

babyboyHarrison · 21/07/2016 07:51

My father was always fairly distant and I actually told him one day that we didn't have the relationship I would like and that if continued he would end up with no relationship with his grandkids at all. Since then he has actually improved and drives 1.30hrs each way to see them most weeks. At this stage it sounds like you gave nothing to loose by being upfront and telling them. Try not to be too confrontational as you don't want them to get defensive.

GreenHen · 21/07/2016 08:13

Sadly, it is all too familiar.
My PIL are the same with their children - treating their DS and DD, and therefore grandchildren, very differently (although making sure measurable things like amount spent on birthday presents and a visit on their birthdays are the same).
DH used to blame his sister for this - she does/did demand a lot of help so by the time our DC came along he saw his parents as having had enough.
PIL certainly painted themselves as the victims, SIL the persecutor and us as the rescuers...The MO was that they would help SIL loads (who lives 2 hours away), we would see them regularly (5 mins away) but we did 95% of the hosting (paying for meals out, inviting them round for meals, inviting them on day trips (expecting us to pay for them too)) and they would moan to us how SIL took advantage of them (but they couldn't say no because she would stop them seeing their grandchildren).
There have been a lot of OMG moments too - especially around sibling triangulation.
We slowly stopped inviting them as much (partly to see if they would then start inviting us - they are very fit and healthy) and being sympathetic to their victim mentality. So we barely see them and we don't want to see them more now either so I guess it suits.