to suspect that this DH is living like a guest in his own home?

[Madinche1sea]

So this morning at breakfast, while DH was "ordering" his particular- style of protein omelette (😐), DD (aged 7) looked at him and said,

"Daddy do you think you're a guest in this house or something?"

Her comment got me thinking, but AIBU to think that DH could, in fact, be making his own breakfast (or dinner or doing anything else housework-related for that matter)?

We have 4 DC under 12 so the mornings are fairly full-on and I tend to need to be super-organised to get everyone out. We have 4 kids in 3 different schools. I should start by saying that I'm SAHM and since our youngest started school last Sept, can get some time to myself in the day now. DH works very long hours and travels a fair bit which is why I'm fine to do most of the house-related stuff. However....

DH does not cook AT ALL. On top of this, he is always involved in some kind of training schedule for some ridiculous event (like running 100 miles in the Sahara or something like this), so is usually on some particular diet which I am expected to cater for. I don't think he's ever ironed anything - I take his shirts/ suits to the dry-cleaners or iron his other stuff, but he never passes comment about how things appear ready to wear in his wardrobe.

I do have a cleaner who comes in twice a week and, to be fair to DH, he always tells me to get her in more so I can take more time for myself. But I don't bother because most of the mess is in the evenings once the kids are in anyway.

If not overseas with work, DH goes to his boxing club one night a week. He plays rugby on Sundays usually, plus goes on early morning runs most days. I don't mind any of this as he has a very stressful job and needs to unwind, but it does make family life more hectic - particularly with morning routines and all the stuff the kids do on weekends.

He usually comes in about 8 ish to "put the kids to bed" ie. joke about with them, cuddles etc once I have actually got them in the beds and everything else is done! Then we will have dinner together. He will usually do a few more hours work after this while I'm clearing up, sorting out kids school clothes and stuff for the next day. We go to bed about 11-12 usually.

I do have to say he is generally very thoughtful and lovely - for instance, he insists on taking me on "date-nights" at least every other week which he organises and books the babysitter for. He is actually better than me at prioritising our relationship and I appreciate this as it can be difficult with 4 kids.

Sometimes though, I feel as if he is living in a parallel universe, with no idea about the logistics of 4 kids, homework, after school clubs, shopping and general life skills. AIBI?

Doinitfine - I think you have a point. I've never heard the term "lower status spouse" before. I wish I had heard it 20 years ago. Can't think of a way to say it without sounding really nosy, but what is your family set up? Where have you heard the term lower status spouse used?

Thanks LoveWine and AntiBoop. I will look into the real logistics of it all - never say never as they say.

Of course it's not all about "Omlette Gate!" . That was just a minor thing. I suppose I'm just starting to feel like I could get my life back in a way. Not that the kids aren't my life - but I'm 39 now and I wonder how I'll be feeling when I'm 50.

It was a mutual decision for me to have become a SAHM though and I don't regret one day of it, if I'm honest. DH is not the type to really be at home with kids, but that's ok. Lots of women are like this too. If I left them all for the weekend, they would just eat out, so I suppose it is doable. There's just a lot on all the time with them all.

Now I need to read through this whole thread and take it in!

What will happen at 50 is you will get a serious case of empty nest syndrome hubby will suggest "going back to work" like you have been lazing about and you will become frustrated with it. He is treating you like a servant - he might have a big bollocks job but that doesn't mean you have to kow tow before him over everything - he still lives in the house he should contribute to cooking. tidying and general household running even if it is in small ways.

my gut feel is that child psychology might be the sort of thing you could do on a very part-time basis - could you get your foot back in the door by volunteering at a children's charity or something like that? That might be a good solution if you can do something a couple of days a week that is fulfilling and adds a bit more to your life without compromising anything important. But maybe you don't need to rush into it if the youngest has only just started school

Tootsie - you sum it up brilliantly thankyou. The reason my going back to work has never really been on the cards is that he could potentially make more money in half an hour than I could make in a year or whatever. So what is the point of impacting the DC at all - or him?

I now have one starting secondary school in Sept and this DC is dyslexic so I would like to be there to support with homework. Another one is in a very academic school so it can be full on. They do stuff after school too and we're in London so traffic is always a nightmare and I'm not sure I'd be able to find a nanny prepared to do it all tbh

I knew what DH was like when I met him (obviously) and there are some people that you can't really get to slow down. He's always been very driven and I totally understand he thinks he's making his best contribution to the family by providing for me and the kids in the way he does. He always said he would do this. We are quite different, but we have a very strong connection I think.

Sorry if I sounded like I'm moaning. I did not grow up with wealth at all and certainly don't take anything for granted. I was just thinking that I'm 39 now - how will I feel at 50 if I never contributed to society?

That was it really - apologies about "Omlette Gate!"

Sorry - I thought the first post hadn't gone through so did another more rambling one.

RB68 - yes that's what I was thinking. I still don't think he'd want me to work then though. He'll probably have retired himself by then anyway.

Madinche1sea - I need a smug smiley! Why thank you. Our situations sound SO similar (although fewer children, respect to you for that!). It sounds as if this is about self-fulfilment, as you mention contributing to society? So you probably do need to get out and do something outside of the family - volunteering as MunchCrunch suggested would be a start. Worth looking into? The domestic dynamic might start shifting a bit if you were focussed on something other than the family for a bit.

I get what you say about knowing what he was like. I have accepted that I got myself into this. I actually did a pros and cons list on DH before we married (I am a bit sad like that). Right up there with "makes me laugh" and "can trust him" was "ambitious" and "hardworking". I liked that about him. And whilst I liked my job a lot, I was never as ambitious. So our set up makes sense in relation to our strengths. But I also have that feeling that I will have done nothing useful if I carry on like this. Although I do know that bringing up two good members of society is a pretty useful thing to have done. It's just that no one really values that much, and, like you say, in another 10 years my job will be done and I'll need another!

Thanks Tootsie. The thing with DH is that it's not so much what he expects me to do, more about what he expects himself to do, if that makes sense.

To be honest, I have loads of friends in my situation and loads of his friends are very similar to him - so we're not alone!

Am I not bringing up my dc as a (lone) working mother ? They have been at school then nannies til 6.30 or 7 on weekdays but every other hour it's down to me... I am still in charge.... if your dh is working all hours and not seeing them much on weekends is he bringing up your dc ?
If he is involved then yes....
What about when you go on holiday or days out as a family is h hands on ?

cest - he's got much better at switching off the phone / responding to e-mails on holiday during the last few holidays and since his companies are more established. He can still be very pre-occupied if there's issues though, but I'm more than used to it, as are the kids. He does take DS1 rock-climbing when he can. He tries to get to school plays, etc, but it's not always possible obviously.

Work isn't just about what you earn though. Does your DH's job add to the sum of human happiness or does it just add to his (and your bank account of course)? If you can still practice as a psychologist you could make miserable DC and their parents happier. That is valuable. I also think it is the kind of job where parenting will have added to your skill set and empathy.

It would probably do your teenage DC good to get acquainted with London's excellent public transport, too - they will not get all the life skills they need being chauffeured around by their devoted mother!

"
I know you are a SAHM, and he works long hours, but I still think he could "muck" in a bit more. Otherwise you just never really get a break."
Really?

The DS who is 12 (almost 13) goes round on tubes, buses etc, but the others are a bit young still. I agree with your point, that it's not all about the money. I wouldn't describe the DC as miserable though!

I think it's valid though, in the sense that a child psychologist is a profession that could do an enormous amount of good to many dc, and pt in school hours so not to the detriment of your own dc, in a volunteer capacity since it isn't about the money.

Ps the miserable dc are the ones needing a child psych, not your own dc!

Stealth - I have no problem with doing housework etc because I'm not working. I have cooked for DH since we have lived together, but I'm fine with this because he does quite a lot for me in other ways. I mean, if he sees me with the bin bags he will take them off me, but that's probably about it. I don't nag him or add to his stress unless a total crisis breaks out.

It is more, as some people said, up thread that our roles are so different that there is no overlap at all and today it struck me as a bit weird and I was thinking about the future.

No I agree. I was just clarifying with the poster who couldn't see when the sahm to school aged children might get a break. I appreciate that's a recent thing.

Munch -oh I see

And yes, I do think I'd be a much better psychologist now than when I left off 12 years ago.

Well do it then! There is a shortage of people with those skills and a shortage of services. You sound very nice by the way and about a million times more patient than me.

Also, your DH sounds exceptional so it will be useful for your DC to see that work doesn't have to always be like that. My DDad was extremely successful in business and at times he was rather like a guest in his own home. I have learnt a bit from his achievements but more from my self-employed artist DM.

Yes I'm a better IT professional since I had dc, I just don't get over excited about work anymore :)

Thankyou phineyj - you're very kind. And Munch. Much respect to anyone who juggles work and kids btw.

It is more, as some people said, up thread that our roles are so different that there is no overlap at all and today it struck me as a bit weird and I was thinking about the future.

I really think this is the crux of it. I also think you have loads of flexibility to get back into your career (are you a child psychologist or have I got that wrong?). You don't have to start work tomorrow - but you can start planning for getting back into the workforce in a way that works for your family. It might be that your dh has to make some more compromises than he does now - or you need to hire more help, but you can do it.

Also even though your husband is thinking it works now the way it is, why change it, he might be surprised himself when things change - he might like it better same as you do. I bet he doesn't expect his work organization to remain exactly the same over a 15 year period so why would he expect his home set up to? My dh loves the satisfaction I got out of my job, enjoys the anecdotes I brought home, liked the friends I made - same as I do for him. And your dh might like if his daughter turns around and says "can dad do that for me?" instead of "you are like a guest in your home".

By the way I think your dd is very very perceptive.

Canyou - thankyou for your very helpful comments here and also unthread too. I'm very glad I posted today because it's really made me think about possibilities. I will look at the options before I speak to DH again, I think. I might speak with him on holiday.

You can tell he's away tonight - I'm like a starfish in the bed, eating cornflakes and on MN!

I get what you're saying - your dh is in his own world and you are dealing with the home reality. He does need to make his own breakfast and sort his shirts and suits out as you are not his household staff. Take up the idea of the having your cleaner another day to do the clothes. For the omelette he should make it himself and bring you a coffee/tea to be equal to your efforts. He works hard and so do you. You want to go back to work. You've been with a preschooler for 12years. That is hard work. He needs to see the home as a place of equality. He goes out to work and you do tasks at home and somethings can be shared

Also, you ask what life will be like when you are 50 and he decides to retire. Do you think he will suddenly help out and cook etc or do you think you will keep doing everything you are doing now?