to think that if you host a pool party on a hot day ...

[CocktailQueen]

... you check that other dc have sun tan lotion on/aren't burning?

DD went to a friend's pool party on Sat. I gave her water-resistant factor 40 sun lotion. She came back burned - face, back, shoulders (despite applying and reapplying lotion), and thirsty - she only had 3 small glasses of water in 5 hours, and she hadn't been to the loo (didn't like to ask).

DD is 12. I know she bears responsibility for her own sun lotion, but if you were the mum, wouldn't you have checked that dc weren't burning? It was the first really hot day of the year! She has never been sunburned before... All the other dc at the party are burned too.

AlwaysChanging1 your post is mortifying - you act as though there was nothing you could do, but I'm not at all surprised that this girl's mother was livid.
You say you "offered" this girl sunscreen. Sorry but even if she was in her late teens, if after the first refusal she was still completely exposed to the sun I would have said "here is the sunscreen, put some on, I am responsible for you".
If she had somehow acquired a cigarette and wanted to smoke it in front of you, would you have let her? What about walking along the train tracks, would you let her do that?
Sun burn is really dangerous! I am not remotely surprised that parents are devastated when their children come back burnt, when other responsible adults were looking after them. It should simply be one of the things adults are expected to consider when in charge of children - same as not allowing them to play in the street, or drink underage, or go off with strangers.

OP, YANBcompletelyU, although I think it's likely that your DD didn't apply and reapply. And if there was a father present too, he deserves as much blame.

Your making your 12 year old daughter sound like a toddler, shes nearly a teenager for goodness sakes.

Update - two of the party girls weren't at school today as their sunburn was so bad.

Would it have been much different had they met in the park though? I am a bit surprised a whole party of 12yo can't do sunscreen, toileting and drinking enough water. I know some won't put it on if told, but the lot of them?

CocktailQueen , Update they are 12 years old, they should know how to do all these things.

Either this thread has some weird outliers on it, or it is not safe to send 12 year old children to parties, because the hosts will not take any responsibility for basic safety.

If I spent 5 hours in the sun, I would be burned. No amount of sunscreen would prevent it.

Has there been any 'discussions' with the host of the party - given what's happened?

(I hope she's not an MNer - this thread is probably quite identifying)

I have given this some thought having been out in the sun today. I think I have changed my mind, the host is responsible for ensuring the safety and health of his/her young guests while they are there. On a hot day this means at the least ensuring there is A LOT of water freely available to drink and regularly topped up and a lot of shade around. If the day got really hot, I would call everyone out of the pool for an hour or so to eat in the shade or whatever. At that point I would be having a quick squizz to see if there was any obvious burning, if there was, tell them to cover up. At 12 yrs old, I wouldn't be listening to a no...it would be 'cover up or shade'. But everyone would be reminded to reapply regularly.

I have hosted a few pool parties and have tended to do similar, and would do again.

The lack of water is a big bit of poor hosting Thu.

Personally I would absolutely not feel comfortable getting involved with putting sunscreen on an adolescent girl unless I knew her very well. Just too much potential for problems.

Obviously there was water available if the girl had three glasses, so what was the situation? Was there a tap? One bottle of mineral water that had to be rationed?

I would probably check all were wearing sun cream at the start, and I would ensure there was shade to retreat into and provide cold drinks.

I probably wouldn't think to remind at that age as dd wears once a day cream (never yet burned with it wherever we have been) so we only reapply if been in the pool a long time submerged. And she sorts her own cream out now - she is 14

I hosted a pool party for DD's 9th birthday in December (we're in Aus).

Party was 1-3pm. No one was allowed in the pool til I'd gone over the rules (not a deep pool so no diving etc) and pointed out the toilet. I also asked each parent if their child had sunscreen on when they dropped them off.

We had a large tub of ice, filled with juice and water, and I had a large pump bottle of sunscreen out too.

I got them all out the pool at the half way mark for pizza and cake (up on the covered deck area) then they all went back in til pick up.

I didn't remind anyone to reapply or to drink. I did insist they all got out at half way, though that was more to do with the birthday cake rather than getting them out the sun.

5 hours is way too long for a pool party, or any sort of 12yo party really!

For a 5 hour party I think I probably would have reminded them at least once to reapply/get them inside.
It sounds like despite what your DD said, she probably didn't reapply, or at least didn't dry off, reapply, then wait before going back in, the other girls probably were the same.

DD also competes in a beach sport, and on carnival days her age manager is constantly telling them to put a long sleeve shirt on, sunscreen, hat, water etc. She also sends a text message around the night before reminding parents to bring those things. I don't think that should be her responsibility, and I certainly wouldn't blame her if DD got burnt, but it's nice to have that extra reminder.

At 12 years old, it's your daughter's responsibility to make sure she's got sunscreen on, is covered up adequately and spends some time out of the direct sun. I doubt there was no shelter available... most people have trees or a deck or something where people can find shade. You said she had a shirt etc. to wear. Well, if she chose not to wear it, that's her problem and she now has to deal with it. I got a bad sunburn when I was 10 and have never let myself behave so stupidly since. It's a good learning curve.

She should also, as other people have said, be able to ask for directions to the toilet and for more water. She's 12; she's not a baby, don't treat her like she is one.

5 hours in the midday sun was a poor decision by the host, but she's still not responsible for things that a 12yo can reasonably be expected to be responsible for.

Blimey. I think anyone in charge of children under about 17 should be reminding them about sun protection - and checking that they're drinking enough.

It's not the host's fault, as such, that 3 of the guests got burned, but I think it was a responsibility failure on their part.

I have five DCs who burn easily and I myself burn. We live somewhere sunny and we are all responsible about sun protection. The local community pool gets everyone out of the water every hour on the hour and this has trained them to reapply properly (after drying off) and to get a drink of water (not sugary drinks as these will dehydrate you).

It's up to parents to make sure their own children would sooner come home with a leg missing than come home with a sunburn. It's as important as teaching children to cross the street properly.

I don't think you can be sure your DD applied and reapplied sunscreen since you weren't there and since she ended up burned. I wouldn't be inclined to believe her assurance that she reapplied it.

I agree with the PP^^ who remarked that the British have a 'Grab it while you can because it will be gone tomorrow' attitude to the sun - I am Irish and the Irish have this too.

But still, we all know enough about skin cancer nowadays to put sun protection at the top of our lists of important things to impress upon children. You should have sent her with a rash top since you knew the party was to last five hours. You knew it was the first really hot sunny day of the season just as well as anyone else did.

At 12 your DD should have taken the time to get herself a drink and should have been confident enough to ask to use the loo, and should also have been confident enough to ask someone to help her apply sunscreen in places she couldn't reach. There is nothing cute about shyness that prevents a child from being sensible.
If she couldn't ask where the toilet was, I'd definitely feel I'd failed as a parent.
She was having too much fun to bother getting a drink & applying sunscreen, it happens. She needs to take responsibility & Id take responsibility for not preparing her better for it.
I agree with this point from upthread.

I also agree with the poster (A11) who suggested that a child of 12 who is too shy or lacking in confidence to deal with her own simple needs in a situation where she is with her friends and a friend's parents is in danger while out. There is shy and there is just plain silly. I would tackle this as a matter of urgency, OP. Your DD needs to get over herself, and soon.

I don't blame the hostess for not keeping up with who was applying sunscreen and who wasn't. Even if there had been a break, she might not have noticed a burn developing as the glare of the sun prevents it from being obvious, and also a sunburn gets red in the hours after exposure to the sun ime, not while you are actually getting the damage that will eventually show up as red skin.

The hostess should have provided bottled water in an ice filled cooler, but again, you can lead a horse to water, etc.
I agree with those who suspect the DD plunged into the pool and didn't leave it all day.

We live in a hot country and have a pool. When our teenagers were younger they often had friends around for a swim. dh and I would check that they could swim properly or make them wear a life jacket, but otherwise we'd pretty much leave them to it. They rarely stayed out in the sun the whole time and while we might call out to remind them to put on sun screen every now and then we'd not supervise. If it's at someone's house there is always shade, water and loos available aren't there?

Seems this is more of an issue with children just not used to a really hot sunny day and so not understanding how to keep safe in the sun. I guess in hot places they are more likely to have learned to keep themselves safe just because it's a normal hazard, where in the UK it's more of a novelty.

I guess in hot places they are more likely to have learned to keep themselves safe just because it's a normal hazard, where in the UK it's more of a novelty

I agree with this Nooka. We had some visitors over from UK last Christmas, and as was school holiday / annual leave for us, so we spent a lot of time outdoors with our guests. At a family get together (there were about 20 of us there) around midday, I commented that the only people out in the sun at that time were the two overseas visitors. Everyone else was under the shade, socializing there, eating snacks etc. The dc were all swimming, but the moment they got out the pool, it was into the shade. It was just a natural thing to do.... I felt quite a bad host actually, as I kept saying to them to come into the lapa as that is where we all were, but they wouldn't and the two of them just lay there on the sunloungers getting pinker and pinker. It happened the whole time they were here. He said that he had to make the most of the sun, which I can understand, but he did end up with dehydration a few days before the end of their holiday, along with quite a hefty medical bill.

Sorry I just had to say to all the posters who said a 12 year old should be able to ask for a drink and ask for the toilet. Not every one can I have autism I wasn't diagnosed until an adult. But I remember being younger and not being able to talk becoming non verbal as a result of my autism in situations like this. So not all 12 year olds can do that.

They mean a NT 12 yr old.

I'm assuming this is in the UK. It's been seriously hot recently. OP's daughter obviously burned even with applying sunscreen over 5 hours. Just as OP's daughter didn't expect to burn the host parent probably didn't expect it either in the UK.

I would check your dd knows how much to use to avoid a repeat. After her 5 good application she should have used most of the bottle if it is a normal 200ml one so you'll know if she has.

winniemcgoogan

If you mean me, I didn't mean an NT 12 year old, I meant all 12 year olds. you have misquoted me because that is exactly what I did not say.

I very purposely did not say that every 12 year old should be able to do certain things. I said that if a DD cannot do it, then you need to step in and be the parent. Because your child is in danger - either from physical dangers (pool, sun) or from human ones. You need to parent more. Whether that means talking to the host parent BEFORE THE PARTY, attending as a chaperone, or role playing assertiveness with your child.

That holds whether your child is NT or has SN. Actually, children with diagnosed disabilities suffer much higher rates of childhood abuse so this is super relevant for all parents so it's even more important for SN parents.

This is not ableism, it's fact.

I haven't RTFT I'm afraid, but... a Which report a year or so ago found that some sun creams were useless, others did as described. Might be worth checking that the suncream your 12 year old was using actually does something. I only buy calypso now as it was found to be very effective and is actually cheaper than some of the known brands (ambre solair etc) that were found to be completely useless. So for those mocking KingJoffrey... it's entirely possible to buy sun cream that does you harm.

I agree with many on here about the fact she should be able to ask for drinks,toilet,etc. Although expecting a child to remember sunscreen is just us being hopeful. However, at 12 she should know enough to reapply it. I bet she has a phone and internet like many other kids, so if she's 'mature' enough for those she's mature enough to ask for drinks,etc,etc,etc

I coach athletics and I remind all ages 10 to 17 to put on sun cream and get out of the sun and drink!
I am in loco parents as is any parent with my child in tow so I expect others parents to take the same care