To not want second hand clothes for DC from MIL?

[littleladybird14]

So I'm due with my second DC and MIL has passed a few gifts over to us from her similarly to when our DS was born a number of years ago. I am very grateful and love that she has gone to the trouble to buy things however in the same way she did with our DS she has been to car boot sales and bought second hand clothes ranging from outfits to bodysuits (when DS was born we also had an old Moses basket bought and similar baby essentials which we had already bought new so they ended up being spare thankfully!). I can tell she has washed them and I'm sure they have probably come from a good home but I can't help but feel a bit annoyed again that for her only grandchildren (both novelty as previously have a DS and now expecting a DD - both her only DGC) she has bought on the cheap. For the cost of a pack of bodysuits from asda it's nothing but hate idea of putting DC in previously soiled bodysuits knowing just how dirty they can get!
Don't get me wrong I've been given hand me downs by a very close relative and close friends whom I feel comfortable with - no poop stained bodysuits, good quality outfits which had hardly been worn / still had tags on! I guess I know where they've come from and I have decided to have these rather than being passed them as a gift.
Me and DH are in a fortunate position where we can afford to splurge a little as can she, and we nor she would buy clothes for ourselves second hand (I'm not disrespecting anyone who does at all so please don't think me being rude, it's just not what we do), but I just can't understand why she thinks reasonable for our child to have these and to be passed as a gift? My DH wasn't overly happy either but didn't say anything to her on either occasion. Strangely she doesn't do it so often since DS has grown up, it tends to be asda sale items which are sometimes a bit hit and miss (just my personal taste of her 'bargain finds' - again nothing wrong with asda!) and he'll wear them whilst he's at her house despite me packing other clothes! I guess I'll do like last time and put them to the bottom of the drawer never to be used but but AIBU (or hormonal due to pregnancy!!)??

I don't think YABU to not want second hand clothes, like you say that's just personal preference. I think you are being a bit unreasonable to be annoyed at your MIL about it though- loads of people are fine with second hand clothes and so your MIL is presumably one of them, and doing what she thinks is a nice thing.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You don't like that she chooses to bargain hunt for the children when it's not what she does for herself or what you do as a family. But some generations are funny about baby stuff and take the opinion that they'll grow out of it so fast spending money on baby clothing is madness.

My children's nanny does this too and I absolutely hate it! Second hand supermarket clothes and weird home made stuff from where I don't know, she never asks what the child might need, just buys endless tacky, horrid material stuff which I would never ever put my child in (not only is it highly flammable, they would itch like crazy in it). She buys them those home knitted cardigans (all acrylic not wool) and weird fancy dresses like Irish dancing costumes that make me break out in hives.

But I thanks her for them and would never tell her to save her 50pences. It's her buzz and I let her off.

I resent though that she never asks what they might need, or register how I dress her and help out in the same vein, as you would do when gifting for absolutely everyone else.

It is so depressing that people are talking about how cheap clothes are without taking a moment to ask why they are so cheap.

Well I disagree with everyone else apparently. I think YANBU. It's a bit weird I guess more than offensive. I have bought my children second hand things occasionally, but I would never GIFT them?! How odd.

You sound pretty unreasonable to me!

Also pretty depressed at the comments on here like "clothes are cheap as chips these days! No need to buy second hand!" Do you know why those clothes are so cheap? Because they have been paid for with slave labour. This is not some weird myth that we can happily ignore. It's really, honestly true that people on the other side of the world are leading miserable lives because we refuse to pay more for clothes, or buy and wear second hand.

BertandRussell, no I didn't realise that to be honest :)

But I googled the subject because I already knew about this happening and I think it was in my Which! magazine. I've heard this a few times though, perhaps the article I linked wasn't the best choice and who knows if its real but I know that washing machines themselves test positive for germs.

Even so, if again, I'm honest, I don't really think that'd be my main consideration anyway - I'd just prefer that my new babys clothes were new. My mum used to spend most of her life at jumble sales and we had to wear the strangest outfits as kids - I hated it. Maybe that colours my view.

I know that some people really do have no choice, but these days that's pretty rare, especially with all the value ranges and Asda clothing is incredibly affordable too.

All my children have worn clothes handed down from the one above (except the oldest :)) and I've also put them in clothes from friends etc, but the OP said her MIL can easily afford new clothes so I think it's a bit mean not to buy less but new.

And Deadgood, we constantly hear about cheap labour as if the cost of living is the same in those countries - it's not. The wage paid in many (I accept not all) cases is commensurate with their cost of living.

YABU.

At least the second hand clothes will have had the formaldehyde well and truly washed out of them.

And Deadgood, we constantly hear about cheap labour as if the cost of living is the same in those countries - it's not. The wage paid in many (I accept not all) cases is commensurate with their cost of living.

Hmm -I'd be interested to know how many textile workers in the third world enjoy the same standard of living as workers on the minimum wage in the UK do.

Permanently, I don't think for one minute that they enjoy the same standard of living as our "poor" do.

But I'm saying that in many cases the wage paid, while really low, is standard for that area ..ie the same as many other jobs there that aren't reliant on the West.

We could fully address that by not handing 7% of our gdp to corrupt regimes but we don't do we? We all go on blindly giving to the large charities who solely benefit the leaders of those countries. It clearly doesn't work - we've been paying billions for 50 years and nothing much has changed. The poster girl for Bob G's Feel the World crusade says herself that her village hasnt changed at all in 30 years :(

Yabu. She doesn't have to buy you anything. My family bought my daughter nothing when she was born and it will probably be the same this time. They can afford to. But it is their choice. They do not have to buy anyone anything.

yanbu Dps mother used to do this and worse. think freganism, stains and passing them off as clean. She later tried to sell them on till I stepped in and said I would be reporting if continued. the thought of newborns getting ill because of it made me sick. She later handed them into a charity shop. put me off buying for babies second hand after that. Unless of course I knew the person.

YANBU. Occasional gifts of well chosen items are fine. Buying volumes of items because they are cheap regardless of quality and condition is not reasonable. That's creating work for you to sort them out, and maybe additional laundry. She needs to read Marie Kondo's thoughts on gifting.

I've chosen some lovely second hand clothes for my DCs which have gone on to have lots of additional wear, but they were my choice, good condition and good quality.

I'm puzzled by this thread. I feel it's rude to give second-hand items as gifts, particularly clothes for a new baby. Surely one new babygrow is preferable to a big bundle of second-hand ones? Unless of course the mother has requested second-hand ones. I would feel insulted.

Many people (including me) do not buy second hand clothes at all. There's nothing wrong with that. In many cultures it's the norm. When friends offered their old clothes I just said 'thanks but I'm having lots of fun choosing new stuff'. If someone gifted second-hand clothes I wouldn't use them. It may be irrational but I feel very squeamish about it. I don't want to dress DS in clothes that other children have sweated in, weed, pooed, dribbled on, been sick on, crawled through dirt in. I don't know how they've been washed, whether they've been left dirty for a long time between washes or washed with strong detergent. I'd also worry about buttons/buckles being lose or the clothes not conforming to safety standards.

OP I suggest you say to MiI 'we don't want any second-hand clothes thanks' and ask her to return them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying that. You don't need to explain why, just say 'we'd prefer to buy everything new'.

I buy most of DS' clothes in sales, from good brands like M&S and Debenhams. I like it that the seams are non-itchy and the cotton's thick and soft. I've bought a few things from supermarkets but the cotton felt scratchy and itchy, the seams were poorly finished and they lost their shape after a few washes, so we didn't use them. I save most of his clothes when he outgrows them (for his future siblings) so I don't feel it's bad for the environment at all.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with buying second-hand, just that it's perfectly OK to only buy new if that's what you prefer.

The world is awash with second hand clothing especially baby stuff. I feel people appease their guilt at the money they have squandered by 'gifting' piles of crap onto others, friends or charity shops. They had the pleasure and fun of choosing and buying it, now someone else has to deal with the disposing.
Marie kondo says something along the lines of the person gifting had the pleasure of choosing and giving so now it's yours you are free to do what you like with it, which is very guilt freeing.

"I'm not saying there's anything wrong with buying second-hand, just that it's perfectly OK to only buy new if that's what you prefer."

Yes, you are. All the way through your post.

GuestTiger - I'm puzzled by "I buy from good brands like M&S and Debenhams". I wondered what constitutes "good"?

See: www.retailgazette.co.uk/blog/2016/02/m-and-s-and-h-and-m-risk-ethical-status-as-foreign-workers-earn-less-than-half-of-a-living-wage

and, if your up for some bed time reading:

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1964887/

Does a baby know whether it's wearing new or second hand?

I fear that we (i.e. most of the population) have no compunction about f**king up this planet of ours. What's the "real" cost of buying new all the time in terms of environmental impact? I could expand here but I think you'll get my drift - but a quick google around the subject will give the answers.

BTW my son who is a chemist says all new clothes should be washed a few times before wearing because of toxic residues; not a nice thought.

I can't see the problem- just pass them on if you don't want them. You can get wonderful second hand things for babies- it is also a time when they don't care so it seems sensible to save money for the time that they will be bothered and want new.

I think you're being ungrateful. Your MIL has no obligation to buy you anything. She is trying to help you out and probably doesn't see it as gifts as such. I don't know how well off your MIL is (or you), but I assume she wants to support you on an ongoing basis, rather than buying more expensive one off gifts, Also it could be to do with the fact that baby clothes often have much more life left in them even though baby has out grown them, or older generations don't believe in diposable fashion and think clothes have three stages: new, old and dusters. Maybe she enjoys being thrifty. Also as previous posts mention, the ethical side of cheap clothes. Re slight staining she may not have noticed, her eyesight might not be quite so good.

My mum bought a lovely new dress which will fit my daughter next year as a gift, my auntie has bought a gorgeous dress and knitted a lovely bolero to match. My mum has been buying nappies and second hand clothes to fit my daughter now to help us out and my aunt has bought a second hand toy for our daughter every time we visit. I think this is very kind and thoughtful, not to mention a huge help.

I've always been amazed at how many people can't stand 2nd hand things and wouldn't dream of buying anything 2nd hand.
Yet they think nothing of offloading all their own used things onto charity shops expecting people to buy them as they obviously feel that there is nothing wrong in their old clothes/toys etc.

Allwornout

They ASK for them so I give them -doesn't mean I have to shop there.

I don't think yabu at all. Brand new shiney baby; something to celebrate and cherish. You would t go to a birthday party and give someone a second hand gift so why with a new born baby?! I think do what's already been suggested ; thank her and pass on to charity shops.
Best wishes!

You can buy second hand clothes through myhomshop.co.uk which way you know where the clothes come from.

You can't help the way you feel but coming from someone whose children are completely ignored, be grateful that your MIL is remotely interested in your children and buys things for them, even if not to your taste. If I were you I'd keep some of them in the car and/or nappy bag as emergency clothes and then pass on when baby has putgrown them.

YANBU - Just because someone is giving you something for free doesn't mean you have to accept it! You have every right to say no for what ever reason! I hate people being called ungrateful when actually you didn't ask, want nor need the stuff people are trying to give you.

I personally don't like getting things second hand, I like going to the shops and picking out clothes, toys etc for my baby. I love being able to provide for her.

When I was expecting, we naively accepted 'just a few bit and bobs' from DPs relative... Well we were given 3 bin bags of rubbish! There was second hand clothes (mostly stained), battered shoes, broken toys, torn books, dirty teddies etc. Never again!