Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want second hand clothes for DC from MIL?

176 replies

littleladybird14 · 18/07/2016 07:51

So I'm due with my second DC and MIL has passed a few gifts over to us from her similarly to when our DS was born a number of years ago. I am very grateful and love that she has gone to the trouble to buy things however in the same way she did with our DS she has been to car boot sales and bought second hand clothes ranging from outfits to bodysuits (when DS was born we also had an old Moses basket bought and similar baby essentials which we had already bought new so they ended up being spare thankfully!). I can tell she has washed them and I'm sure they have probably come from a good home but I can't help but feel a bit annoyed again that for her only grandchildren (both novelty as previously have a DS and now expecting a DD - both her only DGC) she has bought on the cheap. For the cost of a pack of bodysuits from asda it's nothing but hate idea of putting DC in previously soiled bodysuits knowing just how dirty they can get!
Don't get me wrong I've been given hand me downs by a very close relative and close friends whom I feel comfortable with - no poop stained bodysuits, good quality outfits which had hardly been worn / still had tags on! I guess I know where they've come from and I have decided to have these rather than being passed them as a gift.
Me and DH are in a fortunate position where we can afford to splurge a little as can she, and we nor she would buy clothes for ourselves second hand (I'm not disrespecting anyone who does at all so please don't think me being rude, it's just not what we do), but I just can't understand why she thinks reasonable for our child to have these and to be passed as a gift? My DH wasn't overly happy either but didn't say anything to her on either occasion. Strangely she doesn't do it so often since DS has grown up, it tends to be asda sale items which are sometimes a bit hit and miss (just my personal taste of her 'bargain finds' - again nothing wrong with asda!) and he'll wear them whilst he's at her house despite me packing other clothes! I guess I'll do like last time and put them to the bottom of the drawer never to be used but but AIBU (or hormonal due to pregnancy!!)??

OP posts:
CatoftheMilkyWay · 19/07/2016 04:18

YANBU, everyone has a different feeling about second hand clothes. Personally I find it strange to buy second hand stuff as a gift if - as you say MIL can - you can afford to buy new. I usually like to buy gifts that are a slightly nicer version of something someone would buy themselves so while I would buy second hand for myself I wouldn't give to someone else. On the other hand, when my parents in law offered to give us money to buy a pram and we said we planned to get a second hand one to mak the money go further they got so offended that we ended up buying new! You just have to do what feels right to you. Keep a couple of the nicest things and pass on the rest.

AgentPineapple · 19/07/2016 08:28

YABU and very ungrateful! Babies hardly spend any time at all in the clothes as they grow so fast so there is actually a lot of sense in buying second hand. You MILs financial position shouldn't really come in to it at all. If you don't want her buying stuff, you'll just have to tell her. You are lucky to have an MIL who is thoughtful and already cares about your baby before it even arrives!

ohlittlepea · 19/07/2016 09:59

Buying second hand is a great ethical choice. Somethings will be your taste and some not just like new bits people buy you, but theres no need to be offended by it.

BertrandRussell · 19/07/2016 10:02

"Clothes are cheap as chips these days "

And have you ever wondered why?

orangebird69 · 19/07/2016 10:24

Yanbu. You'll get your arse handed to you on a plate here about not wanting 2nd hand stuff but I'm with you OP. I dont want my ds in something that may have been soiled on by another child, laundered or otherwise. Same goes for toys, furniture, bedding etc. After all, if there weren't wasteful ungrateful people like us, there wouldn't be a 2nd hand market would there.....

nutbrownhare15 · 19/07/2016 10:30

Each to their own. Personally I'd prefer second hand clothes with labels I perceive as 'quality' and am a bit Hmm when close relatives buy stuff from Asda. I buy brand new organic cotton for new babies I know as that is the kind of stuff I like to receive. Organic Fairtrade cotton probably means zilch to most of those people I've bought for but they say thankyou anyway. And I guess that's the point, she would have liked to receive those clothes were she in your position I guess, but you see things differently. No point in being offended. Just say thankyou and put in a drawer if you don't want to use them. And don't throw clothes away, charity shops will happily resell any baby clothes and can recycle the stained ones.

JigokuShojou · 19/07/2016 15:55

Give the gifts to charity and count yourself lucky to not require charity.

gaston · 19/07/2016 17:35

YANBU second hand clothes are great but are NOT for gifts.
Very few people like second hand clothes for a newborn.

Probably not worth saying anything though, as you said, just pop them into the recycle bin.

newglamss · 19/07/2016 17:40

YANBU. My DD wears second hands but I know where they are coming from. Just take them politely and hide them!!

Cleo1303 · 19/07/2016 17:42

Are they actually being presented as a gift, OP? Wrapped up and with a gift tag? That would be a bit strange. On the other hand if she just hands them over and says she thought they might be useful "You can never have too many of these." - she is probably just meaning to be helpful.

DD had a mix of new and second-hand clothes. If someone gave me something I didn't like or it was well worn I just put it in clothes recycling. They were given out of kindness after all.

I suppose you could just take a bag full of the things you don't like to H&M and they'll give you a £5 voucher towards buying new clothes.

hmbn · 19/07/2016 18:06

May be we should all be thinking of ways that we can save the planet for our dc - rather than getting hot under the collar about 2nd hand clothes?

impossible · 19/07/2016 18:13

YABU. It seems strange you take offense and consider her gifts a negative reflection of her love for your dcs. It is easy to pick up a packet of body suits from Asda but your MIL searched for these items and then washed them before giving them to you. You should be touched by the effort she has made.
My own dcs only had second hand clothes when they were young - it was easy to find these in nearly new condition. If you have an issue with second hands stuff hide the clothes away in a drawer but don’t give them more meaning than they have. They are a thoughtful gift from your MIL.

kyph09 · 19/07/2016 18:31

My parents are exactly the same. They bought loads of baby stuff from car boot sales when I was pregnant with my first even though they have plenty of dosh. Most of it was absolute toot and had parts missing or hadn't even been made in this century (but wasn't nice enough to be considered retro!!!). They have only ever bought my kids stuff from the sales and whilst I would definitely consider them thrifty (probably why they have plenty of dosh), I also think it's a complete waste of money as it's usually stuff that's in the sale for a reason. It's rarely to my taste e.g has cartoon character motifs, a bit chavvy, and is usually a size too small or for the wrong season. I used to give it away but after years, I came clean (it's easier when it's your own parents) but it hasn't stopped them - they just love shopping for bargains.
I know they had 2nd hand everything for me in the 80s when clothes were more expensive and hand me downs were the norm.
I personally don't mind 2nd hand as long as it's my taste. I think what you buy your baby is quite personal and so I would be nice to have been taken out to buy something that I wanted ether than be given loads of tatty shite.

Fomalhaut · 19/07/2016 18:34

My parents have bought us some fab stuff from car boots - all immaculate and barely worn. Kids clothes cost a fortune where we live (no culture of supermarkets selling them) so it's saved is a lot of money.
It's your right to dress them in whatever you want. I think this comes from a place of kindness so I'd accept with good grace. Go through them and anything you don't want can be passed to charity and do some good.

HappyFatty · 19/07/2016 19:12

I like to take pride I what I choose for my DC to wear they are an extension of me. Hmm

I would like to draw your attention to 'The Prophet' By Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 19/07/2016 19:19

What a wasteful society we have become! Think about the good you are doing the environment by reusing clothes instead of buying new cheapo ones. Give me quality second hand to cheap new any day, bit of washing powder and cleanser and nobody except youwill know the difference. Yabu and a bit snobby x

BertrandRussell · 19/07/2016 20:06

Weatherwax, you do know your link was sponsored by the American Cleaning Institute, which is "The American Cleaning Institute ® (ACI) is the Home of the U.S. Cleaning Products Industry™, representing producers of household, industrial, and institutional cleaning products, their ingredients and finished packaging; oleochemical producers; and chemical distributors to the cleaning product industry."
So perhaps not the most impartial article ever written?

Marysunshine · 19/07/2016 20:13

Personal preference - I would not want second hand clothes gifts either - but I'd just put them quietly aside and donate them to a charity shop for those who want them. It's just a matter of personal choice.

MissMarple29 · 19/07/2016 20:22

YANBU there is nothing wrong with buying second hand if that is what you are comfortable with. But buying a gift/s for a new baby or anyone in second hand is pretty rude in my opinion. Would you go to a baby shower and give second hand as a gift? Or birthday or Christmas? It's just wrong. I have bought second hand for my Dd on occasion and its fine, but we mostly buy new for her as that is what we like to do. It's very personal choice and your mil knows that is not what you do or are comfortable with and carries on, therefore wasting her time and money really. I would just say thanks and give it to charity.

sleeponeday · 19/07/2016 20:51

I don't think YABU not to want them. I do think YABU to be offended.

MIL could afford to splurge but I actually appreciated her buying second hand. It takes thought, care and energy to look that way, and it's massively better environmentally. Kids grow out of stuff so fast, and the reality is they won't remember what they wore as babies but their generation will have to cope with a dead Barrier Reef, sea levels rising as ice caps melt, and vast tracts of land salinated and turned to desert.

I fly in planes, when we can afford it, and drive DS to a school out of the town we live in, so I'm not saying I am in any way morally better. But I do think we are all suffering from our lack of respect for make do and mend. And the kids we like to dress up so smartly with brand new things will be the ones to pay the price.

GladGran · 19/07/2016 21:13

We were very hard up when DD was a baby and growing up. I bought loads of stuff for her from the "posh" jumble sale held annually in our town - huge queue for it to open and one met all ones friends! However, MIL bought clothes for her at "bazaars" and then decorated them with lace, ribbons and all sorts. When I had removed all this rubbish there were some quite nice clothes underneath. WIBU?

Anmi0802 · 19/07/2016 21:35

I had my baby and lots of friends offered me second hand clothes ( as I am a nanny I had lots of friends and old employers) with small children. But when I got home my husband was very upset and said he didn't want then. at the beginning I got upset and didn't understand his views, but after a thought about it and I think there's nothing wrong with wanting to buy new clothes, as it can be so cheap nowadays. I hid the clothes here and told all my friends I loved them, and that's it. Just be polite and say thank you and don't use them. I'm sure she is trying to be nice and doing with love

silkybadger · 19/07/2016 21:44

I hated all the wastage of brand new clothes for ds when he was a newborn and grew out of things sometimes after a single wash. I was delighted to receive second hand clothes as it served to alleviate some of the guilt of knowing that my choice to have a child in the developed world would put further pressure on the world's resources. Same with maternity clothes, which I was delighted to be able to borrow from/ share with friends (very different to normal clothes for myself where I would buy good quality clothes with the expectation of them lasting many years).

Mynameisdominoharvey · 19/07/2016 22:07

*If your thread was titled "AIBU to not want shit stained clothes bought for my baby", I'm quite sure posters would be unanimous that YANBU.

But that's not what this is really about is it?

You've got the arse because your MIL is buying secondhand clothes for your precious baby and you don't like it.

Fine, you don't have to like it but it's a bit shit to come onto a parenting website to crow about it - knowing that there will be many parents here who have no choice whatsoever in buying/accepting secondhand clothes.

And as for trying to blame hormones, at least have the backbone to own your own opinion.

Use the clothes, don't use the clothes. It's your decision and not a big deal.*
I couldn't agree more. This isn't even worthy of a thread IMO. You come across as extremely entitled and ungrateful, if you dont like what she's bought then put it aside to be donated to charity and move on. I feel quite sorry for your MIL who is very obviously a giving soul and you seem very grabby. I wonder how she would feel if she knew you were on here slating her gifts to strangers Hmm