To not want second hand clothes for DC from MIL?

[littleladybird14]

So I'm due with my second DC and MIL has passed a few gifts over to us from her similarly to when our DS was born a number of years ago. I am very grateful and love that she has gone to the trouble to buy things however in the same way she did with our DS she has been to car boot sales and bought second hand clothes ranging from outfits to bodysuits (when DS was born we also had an old Moses basket bought and similar baby essentials which we had already bought new so they ended up being spare thankfully!). I can tell she has washed them and I'm sure they have probably come from a good home but I can't help but feel a bit annoyed again that for her only grandchildren (both novelty as previously have a DS and now expecting a DD - both her only DGC) she has bought on the cheap. For the cost of a pack of bodysuits from asda it's nothing but hate idea of putting DC in previously soiled bodysuits knowing just how dirty they can get!
Don't get me wrong I've been given hand me downs by a very close relative and close friends whom I feel comfortable with - no poop stained bodysuits, good quality outfits which had hardly been worn / still had tags on! I guess I know where they've come from and I have decided to have these rather than being passed them as a gift.
Me and DH are in a fortunate position where we can afford to splurge a little as can she, and we nor she would buy clothes for ourselves second hand (I'm not disrespecting anyone who does at all so please don't think me being rude, it's just not what we do), but I just can't understand why she thinks reasonable for our child to have these and to be passed as a gift? My DH wasn't overly happy either but didn't say anything to her on either occasion. Strangely she doesn't do it so often since DS has grown up, it tends to be asda sale items which are sometimes a bit hit and miss (just my personal taste of her 'bargain finds' - again nothing wrong with asda!) and he'll wear them whilst he's at her house despite me packing other clothes! I guess I'll do like last time and put them to the bottom of the drawer never to be used but but AIBU (or hormonal due to pregnancy!!)??

My MIL got soft toys and books for my PFB second hand.

They were filthy and MIL handed them straight to DD who was 6 months and exploring everything with her mouth.

I'd have had no problem with them if I had been given the chance to put them through a boil wash first.

*My MIL got soft toys and books for my PFB second hand.

They were filthy and MIL handed them straight to DD who was 6 months and exploring everything with her mouth.*

Our MiL also did this but it was plastic dolls houses, playsets etc which she said she's washed but there was still sticky black stuff in the 'grouting' and grooves. They had not had a very thorough clean, not by my standards anyway. I just smiled and said, 'these are great, we'll leave them here so she has something to play with when she's here'...

Did exactly the same having

I sort of know what you mean. I happily used hand me downs from people I knew, but I could pick and choose what I wanted and what I didn't. I probably wouldn't have bought them from an unknown source and really wouldn't have wanted then to be bought for me. I realise that is stupid and irrational.
I did buy one item deliberately at 18months old. That seemed to grow with her and lasted a few years , as it also did when it was passed on to my nieces. I don't know why I made an exception for that. maybe it was a magic everlasting item that lured me in to it's magic thrall

Next time you object to 'previously pooped' second hand baby clothes, think about when you next stay in a hotel and sleep in a bed that several thousand strangers have slept in before you.........

I'm with you op, second hand from a car boot sale, no. Just no.

I am fine with second hand clothes as they can be washed. not fine with other second hand stuff that can't be. people are all different in what they like.

I like to clean things to my standard. (then they get mucky again but with our dirt, but somehow that is different.)

soft toys get washed in the washing machine whether they are surface wash or not. all have survived.

if something is particularly dirty then I would have put it in a carrier bag and cleaned/disposed of at home before the children could get anywhere near it.

Donate them to someone who would be grateful, womens aid, childrens hospitals etc. I think your being unreasonable, they are perfectly good gifts and they grow out of them so quick, why spend more when you could save that up for something like a day out with your mil as thank you for thinking of her grandchildren.

MIL is the same. It was actually better when they were babies, as I could pick out the good stuff and get rid of the rest. She didn't live nearby so as long as her stuff got the odd airing, she was none the wiser.
Now we live only a few miles from her house. The eldest is in his twenties and has his own flat a four-hour drive away, but I'm still stockpiling identical shirts that she picks up at car boot sales for him and leaves with me as 'they don't eat or drink'. We have no objection to secondhand clothing at all, but trying not to give offence when the item in question is particularly horrific is hard. She has a longstanding habit of buying girls trousers for my teenage DS. I don't know if there's some kind of buried issue there or she genuinely can't tell that bootcut jeans with butterflies on the back pockets and a pink flowery lining are not unisex clothing.

Still. At least she gives a fuck

I think yabu. When you get gifts they won't always be what you would but yourself but it's nice that she's thought of you. Bin the stained ones and boil wash the rest. I'm sure you'll be glad of sone spares in the nappy bag for days when there is another exploded nappy. If there are any bigger sizes use them for messy/sensory/outdoor play then you've got more chance of keeping the more expensive clothes stain free.

Or donate them to a charity shop/refuge as others have suggested.

At least she laundered them and picked nice bits out.

My FIL is an avid car booter and for my sons he just randomly buys all sorts of rubbish, mostly broken or stained or 'well-loved' because he thinks hes getting a bargain. And it's never just one or two bits - it's usually multiples of the same thing, basically so if we don't like one, maybe we might like the other...?

He also forgets he bought stuff and has things he seems to like to buy duplicates of time and time again.We've even put stuff into the charity shop to get it back again.

AT Xmas he does this for the kids too - used colouring books, books which have other kids names in/pages missing/been doodled on...jigsaws with missing bits, broken and sharp toys. He hands them in on Xmas eve last thing, all unwrapped. Last year it was three of those massive gift bags each. Mostly all of it either went straight back out to charity shops, but a lot went in the bin because honestly, I have worked in charity shops and it was stuff that wouldn't be accepted.

He's not short of a penny or two either. I have rage! Ha ha!

I would say f she has made the effort and they are nice bits, stick them in a drawer and use them. You might need them on a day when you are low on clothes/need to do the 20th wash of the day!

I love a second hand bit, but it has to be good quality and needed.

Good quality, clean 2nd hand is, in my mind, preferable to cheap shit any day. Amongst my group of friends it was common practice to pass on 2nd
hand, good condition items. But if the items are crappy or dirty then just put them in a bag to the local charity shop and tell them it is for them to 'rag'. They get paid for 'rags' by the weight.

Can you see poo or any other stains on them?
Do they smell?

If not, you're being unreasonable about the clothes themselves. Not so unreasonable to feel inundated, though, particularly if you've explained to your MIL that you don't need lots of new to you stuff.

You are going to get mixed opinions on this board everyone has different views opinions affordability.
Personally I would not appreciate gifts second hand unless a friend was giving me hand downs. I would just say to her how you appreciate the effort but you would prefer t buy new as you can afford it . :)

Just say thank you to her. Keep what you like and can give a good wash to, donate the rest. Unless she is moving in with you she won't know you are not using them - if she is rude enough to mention not seeing something in use then a white lie about it not fitting, or shrank in the wash.

my mil was th opposite. Another relative offered some of her sons outgrown clothes - he was only weeks old, younger than my ds but much bigger - I said yes please and mil was to be asked to deliver them. Mil totally insulted the other person by saying that I wouldn't want second hand and if we couldnt afford new then she would buy it for us!! I was

YANBU. There is nothing wrong with 2nd hand clothes, I have taken baby/kids clothes from friends and passed some onto friends, but I personally wouldn't be happy if my MIL turned up with a bag a slightly stained car boot sale clothes for my new baby!

Sorry, but you sound grabby.

As PP have said, on car boots and the like, you can get some nice 2nd hand stuff, from next, debenhams etc.

Better than cheap ASDA George tat.

Yes they MAY have been soiled, but babies poo is not nuclear warfare waste you know.

It was what washing machines and detergents were invented for.

Also, as you will know, babies grow that fast, and you can change babies 10+ times a day, you'll be thankful for the spares.

Saves all those clothes going to landfill when reused.

I don't think anyone is B particularly U here. Personally, I am a total charity shop addict and I LOVED hunting down the best bits and bobs I could for my DD and I encouraged family and friends to do the same (many hated this idea and just ignored it and bought new things, which was fine). However I was quite selective and looked for things in good condition that I thought were useful and/or pretty. Not everyone did the same and I did get some stained bodysuits, bobbly old grey cardis etc. There is a big difference between a well worn and poo stained bodysuit and a nice little cardigan or dungarees in good condition. At the end of the day what your baby wears is up to you, and I understand second hand things are not for everyone. (prob the same people who don't like the sale rail in shops because you have to rummage...)

However, finding these things and digging around for them takes time and effort, far more than conventional shopping, so I would be touched she has tried so hard. Just send them back to a charity shop and be pleased you have a MIL who makes and effort for your DC; not everyone does.

First World problem!! Think yourself lucky she is taking an interest in your children and buying them stuff. Some people would be grateful for clothes. Charity shops, ebay, car boots etc are great places to find bargins. Then save the money for something else. Your child wont know the difference at all and frankly will be in them months if that!!

I get what you're saying OP. It's not about the clothes per se, but the meta-message the gift is sending.

Yes, babies grow out of things quickly. No, from a purely practical point of view there's no point in spending money on baby clothes as babies don't care what they wear. Yes, it was kind of her to think of buying baby clothes at all. Yes, secondhand is the more environmentally friendly option.

But, BUT, it's not just about all those factors, is it?

This is the first and might be the only daughter OP ever has. She (like all babies) is precious and perfect and brand new, and there is something intangibly lovely and appropriate in honouring all that newness with something new to put her in.

Or something previously worn but special in its own way, because of its provenance (eg christening dress of family member).

She's got the whole of her life to wear secondhand clothes, I do understand the weirdly primal need the OP has to put her new baby in new things.

(That said, my poor little short-changed 4 month old DTSs are dressed exclusively in the sleepsuits I lovingly washed, ironed and put away when DS1 grew out of them. )

In your position, if the clothes weren't suitable, I would dress her in them once, visit MIL, take oodles of cute pictures of the two of them together, print and send pics to MIL, then give the whole lot to a charity shop. Everyone's happy.

would just say to her how you appreciate the effort but you would prefer t buy new as you can afford it

It really annoys me when people say things like this – lots and lots of people can afford to buy new and choose to buy second hand. It’s simply not necessarily the case that second hand is what poor people do. My DH and I are in the fortunate position of being able to live a comfortable lifestyle and save over £1000 a month but I’m buying second hand baby clothes – because a) I don’t see the point in spending money on things that I don’t need to and b) I think it’s better for the environment. I buy myself second hand clothing sometimes too – the clothing in my wardrobe ranges from £1 charity shop buys to £500 outfits for family weddings, I am happy to pay a lot for things that are worth it to me, babygros that my baby is only going to wear for a few weeks are not in that category.

It’s just disingenuous to say that you’re not buying second hand because you can afford not to – it’s because, for some reason that I completely don’t understand, it icks you out. So either be honest about that and say “I don’t want to dress my baby in second hand clothing, except when it’s from people I know” or just accept them and give to charity shop if you won’t use them. Personally, I’d go for the latter because I think your position is not going to be easy to explain – why is second hand clothing different when you know the person?

I don't think you Abu my mil is still doing the same. Her heart is in the right place as she thinks she is helping 2 causes at once. The charity shop and me. I am not impressed as I would never give a second hand gift. I am not against second hand clothes and pick up a few myself now dd is at nursery as she wrecks everything.

God almighty, the woman is probably just trying to ensure you have plentiness. Lots of clothes for all those changes without the washing machine running all the time. It was no doubt, actually a lot of trouble. It would probably have been simpler to throw in a few new asda vests with her grocery shop. A lot less effort and thought required.

It really makes me cringe when people are so narrow and ungracious that if a present isn't exactly What they'd want themselves, they're all sniffy.

Really unpleasant and yes yabu.